I'm asking you on a date

Have I mentioned that my house has been filled with workers for the last week? ie. Painters, roofers, sheet rock(ers) and soon to be carpet layers. Well it's finally coming to a close. By tomorrow, the inside guys should all be on their way home and I will finally be able to move in.

The whole main floor of my house is a wreck. Not to mention how awful the smell is of paint and stain and wall mud stuff. These poor men stay in there all day and suffocate through the fumes. I keep reminding them to wear masks. I lay them out every night. But they don't. My family has no nose hairs left. (not that we really have nose hair because that would be gross.) We won't even let our son sleep there because his brain cells may be more volatile than ours. You never know about such things. Anyway, the point is, they're leaving and WE'RE STAYING!!

Last night, my partner and I were laying in bed and she said, "I promise you that one day this will be your dream house." We've been talking about all it can be but these are things that will take patience and much more money than we have this day. But how fun! It's been such dessert for me to watch her participate in colors and art and furniture. Who knew she cared so much? We've always had two separate houses. She decorated hers and I decorated mine. Doing it together has created this whole new dimension of partnership between us. My letting go of some of that control has been an incredible step for me and it's also allowed her to show off her "passion for fashion"! (she would die at that reference but you get what I'm saying)

We are party host(ers). We love having gatherings of small friends. Or small gatherings of friends. Either way. I am so excited to host our first dinner in our beautiful dining room. When it's all set up, I'll post a picture so you can validate my taste and tell me how pretty it is. (I won't, however, post pictures of the crooked walls upstairs, the fake tile upstairs or the bad light fixtures upstairs. Let's just say - no pictures of the upstairs!) Really, I can't wait to have you all for dinner!

Are you free Saturday night? You know, Saturday night...May 5th?

Every Little Girl

I saw a little girl today that made me ache for Gray. There is always that constant ache - the same shared ache that so many of us feel for the children we're waiting for. But every piece of me wanted to reach out and pick her up. I wanted to hold her without looking at her face - without having to be reminded that she wasn't mine. Her little fingers were wrapped around her umbrella so tightly and my guess it that she couldn't wait to put on her rain boots today. I felt my heart break a little when she got in her wagon to ride away. Will it always be this hard?

Our new house has a beautiful little girl's room. We have set it aside to be a nursery but all of us, accidentally, keep referring to it as Gray's room. She had a room at the old house. It was almost always without her but it was still there. And she was born there. She filled the whole house for years. Her room had her clothes and toys and little girl energy. This house isn't full of her and I'm really beginning to miss just having a place for her.

Those of you who read this blog, that are also waiting for your children, know what I'm talking about. We've had long conversations about empty bedrooms, pictures that are years old still hanging in the hallway and even college funds set aside for a child who may not even remember. Without these conversations with those of you who breathe the same dense, quiet air as I do, I would certainly feel lost. Although I would rather none of us share this pain, I'm grateful we have each other.

Thank you for the email today, Leah. I'm right there with you.

Tick Tock

We are back on for the IVF transfer.

In the next few weeks I'll begin injections again and (fingers crossed) the transfer will be around the first week of May. That means we will have an answer by June! A perfect month to celebrate!

This time won't be so intense because we've already got four fertilized eggs. Twin girls and boys. I'd list names but that would curse it. No more giant ovaries. Just some meds to strengthen my uterus and I can certainly handle that after what they put me through before. It's all worth it though. Every needle prick, every mood swing. If we can add a baby to our family, I won't complain a bit.

So much has happened since we first began this process. There are days I forget we haven't yet finished. Yegs came home the other day and said, "I know what we can name our new baby!" and I thought, "oh yeah, we're trying to have a BABY!" The name, of course, wasn't acceptable but they rarely are. It's usually something like Monkey or Big Head or worse. But I love that he's invested in the process. He's going to make a wonderful big brother to Buttocks Yegs the Second. :)

No More Easy Silence

A little something about me...I think I might be a control freak. The fact that I used the word "might" makes it even more evident. I've spent the last 3 1/2 years so out of control that now I seem to be grasping on to every decision - craving to make it my very own.

Another little something about me is that I like to be taken care of. I like knowing all the little things are too far away to bother me - that someone else will make sure I'm safe and held away from any real decisions. You're now asking yourself, "how can these two personality traits co-exist? Poor C!" I know! And I agree. Hence, the latest struggle in my life.

My partner has been wonderful about keeping the world at bay for me. Because I have had to become a World Champion Fighter in the biggest part of my life, she holds everything else at a distance so it won't tire me or scare me or worry me. But all of a sudden, I want to know. I want to know who's painting the house for God's sake! When are they coming? When are they leaving? How much money do we have? How much have we spent? Where is the deodorant and why was it moved? Has this person called? Why not?

So much for the easy silence and peaceful quiet. It's not easy anymore. I want voices and noises and choices! I want to be included in anything that will keep me busy! I want projects and agendas. I want to be able to decide for myself - knowing I can't actually have what I want most in this whole world.

Over the weekend I found myself being bossy and demanding. I look in the mirror and I see "tantrum" written across my face. It's not pretty. & even if my partner didn't notice, it's only because I hold everything so tightly. I bleed from the outside in. But she knows. She'll walk around the corner and wait to hold me. She'll listen as I rant and just allow me to expel. She knows me. And knowing her reminds me that she'll give whatever I can take and be patient through my fears. She'll allow me to make decisions and she'll take them from me when I scream that they're too heavy.

So, while I may be a control freak, I have arms to catch me - in or out of control.

Wishing You Little, White Daisy's

I forgot a few things...

First, Happy Spring to all of you! The timing is perfect for my "new beginning" phase. Not that I purposely picked to be here but since the Supreme Court has decided to turn my life upside down, I might as well ride with it.

Spring brings new life, new beginnings. My hope is that it's the beginning of healing and renewal. My hope for Gray is that her front garden is full of little white daisy's by now and that, for years to come, they're full of "love me's" rather than "love me not's". My hope is that I taught her well enough to know that picking flowers for your nightstand is never a bad thing. I would guess that it's rainy season by now in Texas and that she's chased rainbows ten times by now. Her other mother will teach her to dance under them while rubbing her belly and patting her head and she'll look crazy to other's while she wishes with her eyes closed. But I know the joke. I fell for it too. It makes me giggle and cry just to think about it.

Second...Court. Some of you are asking how it went so I thought I'd just answer it here. Fortunately, I missed it. I got the time wrong and I actually think it was a higher power that lead me a stray because I was begging the Universe to keep me from going. Anyway, I got the call from my amazing, fantastic attorney who told me that the Judge just wanted to spank the opposing attorney for being such an incredibly awful man. (okay, those are my words but it was basically just like that) She has recommended him to the Social Conduct Board and we're all hoping he gets in a lot of trouble. The Judges are all terribly unhappy about the ruling, knowing it doesn't put the best interest of the children First and it takes away their room to do what is RIGHT! - not for GAYS but for CHILDREN. It was a little validation but really nothing compared to what has happened.

So there you have it! We're all updated.
Thanks for all the concern.
Back to moving.

We Have Officially Moved

I'm so happy to be at work today! Being here means I'm not at court, I'm not cleaning and I'm NOT moving! Thank God! I am sick to death of all three of those activities for weeks (maybe YEARS) to come.

But poor C...she's not yet sick of cleaning and moving. She took another day off to finish what I left her with - a big, fat, mess! But it's so worth it! Our house is practically perfect! Of course, "perfect" would mean there were no boxes in the halls and no cracks in the walls. If it were perfect we'd have Internet access, a phone line and a new roof. We'd have new paint in the family and dining room and new paint to cover the old bubblegum purple shade that now sets us apart from any other house in a two mile radius. Really though, we're just about there!

& more good news - we sold the other house too! So now we have two sold houses and one purchased house! The bad news is now we have two houses to empty and clean. boo. But you can't have things too perfect when making such a big move. It's not like there's a cleaning fairy who will make all the hard parts go away. I'm certain it will make us appreciate things even more knowing how hard it was to prepare for it.

I can't wait for you all to visit! We're calling it the Hinckley Plantation. - In honor, of course, of the prophet's birth place. (Mormon) We always name our homes. Mackay Manor. Downingshire. This one is, by far, the best though. We'll need ideas for cocktails. We'd like them all to be named after prophets so if you have any good ones - do tell!

What Happens in Vegas...

We're back...and we left Vegas far too much of our money!

Seriously - I can't imagine how rich that city is! We added up what we spent between the four of us and I'm still just shaking my head! The night that we went out, we spent $10 on each drink and, for those of you who know me, you know I can't have more than four drinks. But that's nothing compared to what everyone else drank! Now I'm sounding like I went with a bunch of drunks and that's not what I mean - just people that control their alcohol better than I...anyway, just amazing...

We had a great time - the best, probably. We went with our best girls and it turns out, we travel very well together. After reading another blog with a terrible friend/travel story, I got nervous. But it was wonderful. C and J got to celebrate their birthdays and we got to celebrate each of them! We spent the evenings all together but had the days to ourselves. Aside from Friday night, it was a lot of down time and I used up every minute of it.

I'm not sure if you've heard but Vegas is all about SIN! :) Yep, sin from head to toe! Every time I saw a child walking with their parents I thought, "OMG, did they just see the same billboard I saw?" And then I remember being a child and giggling with my brothers at all the naked pictures of women -whether they be on the cab in front of you, on a building, on a magazine cover...they're everywhere! Women just don't wear clothes in pictures in Vegas! & then there are the patrons! The women who frequent Vegas to play don't look anything like me or my crew. They all sparkle and glitter and wear clothes that you only see on JLo in People magazine. Needless to say, we weren't the hottest girls there but we were easily the sweetest!

Anyway, thanks for all the love and wishes for a restful weekend. I enjoyed every meal, every minute of quiet time and yes, every lap dance.

Now I'm leaving for court and then I'm off the new house!

They Can't Get Enough of Me

I just found out I have court on Monday. How is this possible and what could they possibly need to "review"? Will we sit there and rehash the last 3 1/2 years? Do they want to remind me that I lost?

The district court has always been good to me. In fact, losing at the Supreme Court was our first loss in this whole nightmare. If it were the opposite, I never would've had those years to be with her. That's my way of thinking it could've been worse. But what do they want now? Unfinished business? Will they still want her held in contempt? Will they still say she has to pay me back all the money she owes me? Or will they just say how angry they are at the ruling and give me a pitty pat on the back as I shuffle out one last time...

I have spent hundreds of hours in that courthouse and I would be fine to never go there again. But I will. I will go to support those of you behind me. Even if all they can give us now is pitty, pitty is a good start.

A Lap Dance & Marijuana Cigarette

Since I have so little to do right now - you know, with packing up my house, selling C's house and moving in to the purple house...tomorrow evening, we leave for Vegas!

The timing is terrible but we've been planning this trip for six months. We're going with another couple (our best girls) who are also celebrating a birthday. The plan is to smother the girls with a lap dance or two and maybe some triple margarita's. Don't get me wrong, I'm typically not a big fan of a room full of naked woman. In fact, I probably am fine to be called a hypocrite once a year. Vegas seems to be the only place where this kind of thing is allowable for me.

A funny story...

C always said when she turned 40, she would get a lap dance. We were newly dating at that time so I went along for the ride - but thought, honestly, that the whole idea was rather disgusting. We went to a couple of different clubs and couldn't get it without a "man" because they are too afraid you might be a hooker and take away their business. This made the whole thing far worse for me. I mean, we were obviously a couple and more obviously NOT hookers. Anyway, after searching for a while, we found a place to let us in.

Right away we started talking about who would actually get the honor of being C's 40th birthday, first ever, lap dance girl. She spotted her. A little, tiny blond - no fake body parts. Her name was Shilo. But after being there for FIVE hours, she settled on the first girl to come by. She was this very tall, very red headed, very voluptuous woman. We called her Jessica Rabbit. I gave her the money and she proceeded to dance for C. It was hilarious. C barely moved. I'm not even sure that she opened her eyes. I was terribly amused. And I thought, hey - what about me? :)

Unfortunately for C, her sweet little natural girl happened to walk by. This time, it was My turn. Again, I gave her my money and she danced for me. I loved it! She was so pretty and smelled so good and I was totally into it. So much for my feminist nature and my disgust for strippers! She was great fun! :) But don't feel too badly for C - she got a second lap dance by the tiny girl and we left very happy.

So now, years later, we're having a do over. I'm guessing Miss Shilo is no longer a working girl but we're keeping our fingers crossed.

And did I mention that when I turn 40, I'm going to smoke a marijuana cigarette? That, of course, is years away but it's way more safe than a naked woman in Vegas!

Forty THREE?

Today, my better half is having a birthday and I thought I'd post it here so you could all send her warm thoughts.

Happy Birthday, my Sweet C! I wish you chocolate cake & many moonlit nights in a warm hot tub.

Yours forever -

8 days...thinking Purple!

I'm finally getting better. I sound like a drugged up 70's singer but at least I'm walking again. If you have children, please keep them far from me. & no close hugs. I promise people, I am a walking germ and, most certainly, a germ magnate. These are sick days.

My weekend consisted of resting and being terribly angry. Saturday, my sweet Jackie came over and made me real chicken noodle soup. She really cut up the celery and carrots. She boiled chicken and shredded it. Seriously, real soup. And better than that, she stayed most of the day just talking with me and watching a movie. It was wonderful. She'll read this & smile but I'm not just trying to gain friend points. I think we've both grandfathered each other there.

After my day with her, everything just fell apart. My emotions are running terribly high. I have been over medicated for six days and I'm running out of time to pack up a house, clean out another then move! I was feeling terribly left out of things. I'm not the kind who can remove herself even though I'm home asleep or barely conscious. My things were scattered between two places and I was really a mess. C came home and I gave her plenty of reasons to wish she hadn't.

Yesterday, I decided I would start to pack Gray's room. This would not be such an issue if I knew I'd be unpacking it in a week. Unfortunately, that won't be happening. The idea of putting her things away felt safe enough. It's like, I wanted to pack them beautifully so that when she opened her boxes, many years from now, she'd find everything perfect - just the way she left it. But then I realized how long that will be & couldn't pull myself out of inhaling every t-shirt and every blanket. As your children grow, you mourn the years gone by. I remember going through her preemie clothes and being so sad that she'd grown. This was like that but so much more intense - knowing I'll skip many years of sticker art and masterpieces, t-shirts from soccer, dance shoes and prom dresses. It was hard but it's done. At least, that part.

My weekend ended with a kiss but it took a lot for me to get there.

Next week will be very new. Hopefully there will be something special for us - something peaceful but refreshing. Our new house will be a beginning we've waited for for a long time. We're looking forward to creating and renewing ourselves. This house will give us plenty of growing room - inside and out.

I have the flu

I can't sleep. I haven't slept well in weeks. Finally, my body succumbed and is now more sick than it's ever been. I have the flu. Not just aches and fever but like the whole body flu. I hurt everywhere. C tried to rub my back this morning and my skin hurt too much. I'm miserable.

I could easily blame my best friend who asked that I bring her coffee during her flu last week. I'm certain I wouldn't have hugged her so tightly had she looked anywhere near as awful as I do. I could also blame the bar because I haven't been in over two years and our friends talked us into it last weekend - thinking it might get me out of my head for a while. It could surely be the pounds of smoke I inhaled during the two hours we were there. Or the many 21 year old girls who were stacked on top of eachother. (how is it that people go there?)

But, truth be told, it's all my fault. Ever since I was small my mom would tell me, "if you don't get enough sleep, you'll get sick every time!" She's right. Every time. But what do you do if you can't sleep? I lay awake and just think. Even my thoughts wake up my partner - they are that heavy. And if by chance I fall asleep, I usually wake up long before the sun comes up and I just lie there. I try to think about the new house. I'll walk through every room and look at every detail. I'll think of all the fixing it needs and how I want to do so much. But then I'll realize that she won't be here. & not only will she not be here, I won't be there either. & it kills me.

How do I reconcile this? The very thought of it is making me physically ill. I wonder constantly what she's doing. And then I think there'll be times when I'll wonder what she looks like. How could I possibly not know what my daughter looks like? Or where she lives? I go in circles and just pray to go backwards. But I can't. I have to figure out a way to walk toward her - knowing it will be years before I reach her.

I got an email from a lovely woman who told me my story could only be related to someone whose child had been kidnapped by their ex. They're still out there - you just can't find them. I suppose that's the closest thing to this. My ex did kidnap her. I just happen know where she is and can't do anything about it. The good side is that I know she's well taken care of and loved. I can picture her in all the places we've been - her church, the park, the bookstore. I've been there hundreds of times and hopefully those memories will be just as strong for her as they are for me.

And, just in case, I guess I should start writing them down.

Do you know The Secret?

Time just keeps passing.

It's March and so many things are going on. My house, my people, my life, my country are all a little tired these days. My house is 1/2 packed and 1/2 lived in. My people are still in shock about the ruling and what lies ahead for the next many years. My life is hauntingly still without battle and my country is being led by a complete idiot.

I lay awake and think about how we ended up here. & I'm not necessarily complaining - just curious at how a few simple steps such as... selling your house to the first couple that has a baby girl or electing five people to make life altering decisions or the fact that the ruler of the free world could actually win an election without really even winning... can move and change things so drastically. All of these things (& so many more) have such a huge result on the rest of forever. I know, a little dramatic. But seriously, all that grows or must be un-done is just mind boggling.


We had a nice weekend. My boss gave me a day off and that sent me into "packing" mode. Packing sent me into a flood of memories and while I was crying next to my daughters bed on Thursday afternoon, I got a phone call. A friend that I rarely speak with, aside from community work, called simply to ask how I was doing. It was perfect timing. The ringing of the phone pulled me up off the floor and the conversation pulled me out of a space that was sure to ruin my weekend. She asked if I had seen "The Secret" and, because I hadn't, she talked and talked about how amazing it was and it changed the course of everything else for the next few days. Everything. Incredible!

Later that day, we had the inspection on our new (really old) home. I'm not sure if I told you but Yegs was very against the idea of moving. He loves his house, his room and his things just the way they are. He loves it so much that he fights us to stay home every minute of every weekend. Needless to say, we knew it would be a chore convincing him that there could possible be a better place to live. Problem #1: We have always said we would make the decision as a family. So once we lied and bought the house without him knowing, I was scared to death that he would say "no". We'd have to go against our "word" and do it anyway and what kind of lesson is that to a seven year old? I was stressed.

We picked him up and he informed us that he was so distraught about the house that he missed five on his spelling test. I know, a little manipulative but it was working on me. All the way downtown he had tears in his eyes. He didn't want to move. There's no way aroun it. I spent the whole drive telling him my favorite things about his room and all the things we can do over the years to make the house perfect. I also added things like, "you look so handsome today!" and "tell me again about that new bear you want". But there need'nt be sucking up. Once we walked into the house and he did some exploring, it was "Y-E-S"!! He Loves it! He loves his room, the tree house, the attic, the Everything! & we could not have been happier. One day he'll know that we never actually kept our end of the deal but for now, he thinks HE made the final decision and we're fine with that.

The house passed inspection so everything is on it's way. We're still packing up one house, trying to get another one to sell and buying our very first home Together! Keep your fingers crossed that nothing falls through. Wait, let me re-phrase that...Keep your fingers crossed that everything goes right!

See? I know "The Secret" :)