The Wedding Day!

Today, our best friends will marry. To call them best friends seems insufficient. They are our family. Part of our home. We feel so blessed to have found them. And they are even more blessed in finding each other.

One can wait a whole lifetime for a moment like this.
The woman who you never hoped to meet

now sits before you
and she talks and looks

exactly like the person you dreamed about.
But strangest of all is that you never realized before

that you had dreamed about her.
Your whole past is like a long sleep
which would have been forgotten

had there been no memory
but remembrance is there in the blood

and the blood is like an ocean
in which everything is washed away
but that which is new

and more substantial even than life: Reality.
-Henry Miller

There isn't much to say other than what has already been said. We love you both with all of our hearts. You have been a blessing to our relationship and we hope to always be the same to you. We wish you endless years of happiness, health, warmth & love. And hope to walk all of our miles just a mile or so away.

Forever and Ever.

The Gay Agenda/Gay Handbook

Where I live, the crazies are certain we have a step by step agenda on how we plan to take over the world. One of our craziest politicians even said we had a "gay handbook" to guide us along while we prey on those we intend to convert. I love that he thinks we're that organized and that committed. Not that we're not but...

Today, I met with a man who's running for office. He came in to "learn" about us (the Gays) and let us know where he stands on our issues, his personal beliefs, etc. I liked him fine. He was tall and handsome. Looking at him I was thinking, "How hasn't he always been a politician?" But then he said he was a lawyer and it all made sense. He is professional, well spoken and soft hearted. He doesn't "know much about our lifestyle but" feels that we "deserve equality... (insert drum roll) EXCEPT for the marriage part."

I'm blogging about this because I know we hear this all the time. This guy is no different from over half of this country. He's got to defend God's blessing! He must keep marriage between a man and a woman. In the same sentence he assured me that he thinks our jobs, our housing, our health care, our families & most of all, our children should be protected equally. But said, "It's when you start asking for rights that break down traditional marriage, that's when I get uncomfortable." Herein, the problem.

What's a girl supposed to do when everything she's asking for can be loosely defined as breaking down traditional marriage? Whether I'm looking for a legal union, domestic partner benefits, rights to protect my child(ren) or just fairiness in the workplace - they just shoot it back as "steps in the agenda". The argument is always that we're trying to dissolve traditional marriage.

I will sign in blood that that's not my intention people! I don't care if you don't want me married in your church. God will bless my Union the same way he'll bless your marriage! He doesn't care what we call it. I care. I admit I care. - but only because anything separate makes it less. It's a word you can have but I can't. I care. But not enough to demand church in my marriage. And I'm certainly not trying to steal your word or your traditions.

I've heard it all. Even when my case was being argued with the Supreme's, my ex-partner kept her side scared by saying to the media that if they 'ruled in my favor, my next steps would be to legalize same-sex adoption then legalize gay marriage'. Now that's a gay agenda! - A clear plan to lead my way and my people!



That argument scares people but it's crap! They think we're oozing through cracks and sneaking into their private thoughts. We're brainwashing them and taking names to add to our ooper large gay data base so we can track their every move. We want to be safe and protected. It's not about an agenda or a fight. If we could sit in our backyards and enjoy our equality like the rest of the world, we would. But we can't. We won't. Because as long as you draw a line around what you have and what I don't, we are not equal.

So draw a circle around yourself and what marriage means to you. Don't let any little request we have get into that circle. But dear God, don't say you "believe in equality except for...." There is no EXCEPT. It's all or nothing. Anything less is not enough.

And please, one of you "gays" out there, could you add this to the gay handbook for me? I left my copy at the local High School.

The Prophet Goes to Jail!

This is the headline story from every major news station in my State:

"Warren J*effs found GUILTY as accomplice to rape"

The leader of a polygamous Mormon splinter group was convicted Tuesday of being an accomplice to rape for pressuring a 14-year-old girl and her 19-year-old cousin into a religious and sexual union.
Finally, after years of torturing a community, he's going to jail. 5 years to life. Which means he might get as little as 7 years and as many as twenty.

I've learned much about this man over the last decade and a half. When I was twenty-one, I was studying religion and spent almost a month in Colorado City/Hildale. And over the next many years I went back several times. This place is like nothing I've ever seen. The whole place is a dirt hole filled with 1/2 built houses, broken roads - all under a beautiful backdrop of red rock plateau's. One school. One grocery store. Hundreds of children walk through the streets in packs; families. Girls must wear long dresses, long sleeves and long hair. I brought many dresses and still, I had to layer long(er) sleeves over them.

I stayed in a house with one family - one family with one husband, three sister wives and 33 children. The oldest was my age. 33 children age 21 and younger. They were actually wonderful. I loved every minute I spent with them. The teenagers would sneak "out to the sticks" and share a six pack of beer between twenty of them. They would fall in love without ever speaking to each other. It seemed so simple to me. I made friends there that I still have today. &, in fact, I introduced a friend to one of them and she ended up marrying into polygamy. (the guilt!) But back then, their prophet didn't purposely mislead them, lie to them and hurt them. Back then, they were led my a man named Rulon Je*ffs and everyone adored him.

Don't get me wrong, the lifestyle was still very strange and sometimes painful to watch. Girls would be wakened over night, at sixteen, to marry a man in a strange place. Boys would have to marry girls they didn't know when they were hoping to marry someone else. But they all agreed to it. It was God asking, not man. They signed their homes to the trust. They gave the prophet all of their earned money - in which he turned around and paid them, less tithing. They were led by a man they loved so everyone just followed him. When he died, they were torn about who would lead. It ended up being one of his many sons and it was the beginning of the end for the entire community.

He began tearing families apart. If a man didn't agree with him about something - anything, he would take away his wives and children and place them with another man. Because the homes were all held in trust, they would lose everything. In some cases, men have never found their families. They're shipped to South Dakota or Texas or Colorado. People began standing up for themselves and moving away on their own. And finally, charges were filed and he ran just like the coward he is. His people still took care of him by sending him money when they didn't have enough to keep their homes warm. They were used to being shunned and punished for wearing anything immodest but he was found in a t-shirt and shorts - plenty of skin showing. White, pasty, gross, rapist skin. He hurt so many people and still, he tried to manipulate them. He's disgusting.

So today put an end to the question of whether or not he would lead his community again. The answer is no.

These people are strange. They're odd. They're different, just like many of us. But they believed as they were taught. Their lives are unraveling and it's all many of them have every known. First they were abandoned by the LDS church and now their prophet. I feel sorry for them. I feel strongly that the big church in this state (Morm*ns) should do whatever it takes to educate, shelter and rehabilitate them. It breaks my heart.

I think of the family who took me in and gave me lessons on cooking, sewing, raising children and I have such love in my heart for them. I wonder if they're still a family. Or if they, too, were victims of this awful man.

Their last "unhitched" Saturday night

One party down, just two more to go! J&E are less than a week away from the biggest, most special of all their days thus far!

We celebrated with a bachelorette party that included fabulous games like:

1. Pin the boobs on the babe (Cristy purposely steered me wrong or I WAY would've won!)
2. Bobbing for boobies (I only got three but the third one way a double D! ... 3 and a HALF!)
3. Newlywed game (We came in second. She forgot about that awful orange shirt I would burn Today if I could!)

I'm still bothered that I didn't win a single one but we made a good (2nd place) team.

E was a good guide but she wasn't even close!

I think these girls were a little closer but you can still see the fear in their eyes




But the winner? Yeah, she was just fingertips away!

We all had our turn (well, minus one unamed germ o phobe!) with this one but the winner was able to transfer SIX boobs and won some handy body paint.

There were other gifts that I won't even mention. I will be blushing until next week about a certain can of...something. But they loved every minute. And the cake? oh, she was Lovely!

And the brides to be? Beautiful!

Happily Ever After, I tell ya!

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

I just put Yegs to bed. We had a bit of a tantrum challenge - each of us. He's been really sensitive lately and tonight, I had enough. I went upstairs, ready to challenge his tantrum. But he was literally so sad. No pouting, no tantrum.

I teased and prodded and nothing. I asked if I could guess what was wrong and finally got a sarcastic smile when I asked if it was because I forgot to paint his toenails red. But after about ten minutes, he spilled. He holds feelings so tightly but finally, Finally he let it all out.

Through tears and choppy breaths he explained to me what it's like to have your parents divorce. His parents, Cristy and his other mom, divorced when he was three. He doesn't remember it but he knows it happened, obviously. & now his other mom is going through another break up.

His biggest worry is what's going to happen to her. Who will take care of her? Why did this happen? Where will they go and how long will they stay there? It broke my heart. He's worried that she has to get a job and that she's sad about it. He's scared. And truthfully, as persons of married parents, we don't even understand what it's like. We laid on his bed and he told me just how hard it is to be a child of divorce. He's just days away from being 8. He's so too little to carry something so heavy. I tried to reassure him that he's loved, that it's good to talk about and that he can always share his feelings. We said a prayer and he feel asleep with short, sad breaths.

I'm sitting here thinking about it and thinking about Gracie. I consider myself divorced from her mom, even though we are still happily married according to VT law. :) But she'll never know that. She doesn't know she's a child of divorce. Maybe that's good. I don't know anymore.

But divorce is ugly, always. I know there are times when it can't be avoided and when that's the case, I think it's best. But even explaining that to him didn't ease his sorrow. He asked if me "& mama would ever divorce". I wanted to promise No but I know better than to be so certain. I've made that mistake before. We both have. I did, however, tell him that I learn more every day how important our relationship is to me, to him, to us. And that I feel safe knowing that our family is strong and happy and that, of course, I love them both so fully.

Should you make the promise of always being together - never splitting up or getting divorced? I mean, of course that's the intent but is promising really right?

I'm Stunned.

I refreshed my email today at 2:13PM. There she was. Is. The mother of her, sitting in my inbox. After all this time and all these blogs, she finally comments. She asked that I please remove Gray’s pictures to protect her privacy and then sent me the following info on how she is and what she’s doing. Because you've all been right here with me, I wanted to share it with you.

"Just so you know she’s doing great. She had her first dance recital and of course she ate up every second of it. She started kindergarten and the uniform is the cutest thing I have ever seen, particularly with her in it. She’s taking horseback-riding lessons and much to our surprise, she’s great at it. She loves church more than ever, and has even helped lead kids worship a few times. And of course SeaWorld has officially been done (and re-done and over-done) this summer---Shamu says “HI!”

God Bless you & yours,"


I think I held my breath while reading it. & then I re-read it and imagined Gray through every word. She had her first dance recital! She’s taking horse back riding lessons! My little girl has lead worship! I’m certain she’s the belle of the ball, the star of the show and the strictest of song leaders! I think of her and how happy she is and, while I miss her more than the stars, I’m smiling. I'm missing so much of her and through these few words, I find miracles. Just the miracle of knowing anything.

I will remove her pictures. And know now for certain that she’s reading here. And hope & pray that somehow that gives her a path to me, ...in case you ever, ever have a change of heart.



Ever.

Thanks for saying "gay"

Yesterday, I had the once in a lifetime experience of speaking before all the Walm*art managers in this great state. They called (from headquarters in Arkansas) and said they were holding a training on diversity and they would like the topic to be something like "How lgbt people contribute to corporate America" or something. I happen to do a workplace training that deals with such thing so I agreed to participate. Bad idea number 1.

I showed up early because that's just how I am. I watched the speaker before me and knew it wasn't possible for me to be more nervous than him so I relaxed. I met a few people and told them I was speaking. One lady, an HR MANAGER, asked, "so when we Get a gay employee, how do we deal with that?" I switched up my training a bit to include things like "how to Deal with a gay employee/co-worker". I figured if we got through the first steps then maybe I'd get back to my original topic.

I gave my speech. I through out every scenario I could think of when running into a "gay". I pretended to work at the Walm*art with a closet "gay" and listed some of the things I could do to make him/ her more comfortable. It was pathetic. So then I went on to the regular training and I don't think anyone heard how it could possibly be beneficial to them to hire or work with a "gay". (or any person different from them) I didn't get a single question, not a single head nod. Nothing.

When I finished, they gave me a certificate and a check. Some girl came running up and claimed to know me from high school. Then she said, "so, you kept your maiden name!" What? You aren't BORN with a maiden name. You get a maiden name when you take the name of someone else. I seriously didn't know what "maiden name" meant for about 5 seconds. Weird.

During the closing remarks, the big manager looked at me and said, "& let's all thank Keri for using such sensitive words like gay, lesbian and "t". That must be uncomfortable sometimes." Again, what? "t"? You can't even get that one out! Go ahead and thank me for standing in front of you for an hour with no more than a blink from anyone. Thank me for switching up my presentation to include terminology. But I don't need thanks for saying GAY. It's not a swearword for God's sake.

And in the elevator on the way to my car, a woman looked at me and said, "that must've been hard on you." You have no idea, lady.

Happy Anniversary!

Today is my six month anniversary! Cristy and I have, once again, been together Six Months!

We decided that because we've never really figured out an official Anniversary, we would just celebrating in 6's. This might be our eighth or ninth go around but who's counting? & how fun to be reminded of "us" twice a year!

Plus, we moved into our house on March 20th, this year. Our first house that's just ours. Not hers, not mine. No one we've slept with has ever lived there but US! :) This is significant because we lived back and forth for years between two houses we once owned with other women. ...So it's also happy six months living in our new/old house!

What a day to celebrate!

But she's not here. Instead she left me a bucket of lillies on the kitchen island and a card in my underwear drawer. I know, sounds odd. But she knew I'd find it first thing this morning - unless I oddly decided to go commando today...but I didn't. I found my card and boobed about it all the way to work. I love that girl.

Thanks for sticking it out, baby. I still pinky to be worth it.

She's Leaving Home...

Do any of you tantrum when your partner goes out of town? I mean, there are many things that bring this behavior out in me but I really hate it when she leaves. I hate it enough that I punish her. Not in loud ways but I might build a small wall so when she goes to hug me good-bye, I hug like a straight girl. In the same moment I beg for extra attention & bat my eyes wildly. I pout and maybe I won't answer the phone until the third ring, instead of the second. I'll watch a chick flick and bawl my eyes out missing her but tell her later that I've had a fabulous day and pretend I've hardly thought of her for minutes.

I'm such a baby.

We've spent a lot of time being quiet the last few days. We saw our best girls Friday night and I told and re-told my "energy doctor" story. I remembered more and more as we talked about it. I think the experience was amazing and I look forward to doing my homework and seeing her again. A couple of things she said - that I know I didn't mention before - are that I time travel. Always backward. She said I carry my past with me like a blanket full of rocks. Now that's baggage, right? Also, she said that I don't have any anxiety. A normal person would have a little but I have none. I guess you hold your anxiety in your muscles but mine were free and clear! That's good...I think. Anyway, it was fun comparing stories with J&E and just feeling like I had experienced something cosmic or spiritual or healing. Maybe I can focus on homework instead of tantums these next few days.

We also had a memorable breakfast Sunday morning that will be written in the story of our lives. Can't talk about it much yet but it will certainly be something I'll scream from roof tops in the future, no matter the outcome. Chills. Still. Always.

As hard as most days are, I am still so incredibly blessed and I want to make clear that even on the days I feel most picked on, I know how lucky I am.

But still, she leaves tomorrow. She'll be home on Friday. I'm pathetic.

Chick flick, anyone?

When it rains...

It's been a hard week. I like to blame it on astrology and say that my planet is out of line from my moon - or something. If I read enough horoscopes, I'm sure to find one or two that affirm it.

You are all so wonderful about listening to me and telling me I'm okay. You're like little friends in my pocket - I can just pull up this blog and if I'm feeling blurry, you remind me that I'm doing fine. And I guess I know I am.

I spent years with a woman who told me I had never done anything brave in my life. I'm not sure if it was a challenge or just a way to make me smaller but I did my best to prove to her otherwise. It didn't work. The word "brave" is not something to which I relate. To hear you say it gives me strength but I really feel like I stand on so many shoulders to be as strong as I am.

I've spent too much time inside my head and finally crashed to earth yesterday during lunch. Hard and heavy. There's a lot to think about and far too much to feel. And with everything so busy lately, the noise is beginning to overwhelm me. I showed up at work ready to implode but instead my boss thought it a better idea to ex'plode. He was right. I felt better letting it out. J called me when I walked through the door to remind me that I had an appointment with an Energy Doctor at 3:30. All I could think of what that I was so emotional that she would surely peg me as "unworkable". I stressed myself out about it after I assured J that I wouldn't. (but you knew I would, right?) I have such an ignorance/aversion to hokey things and I was worried that my spirituality would be taken out of the equation. I always close off to that. But my dear friend reminded me that God speaks through everyone and this just might be the way I finally hear what I need to - not for closure but just to manage what is.

I took some time to talk and cry and felt better before I went.

I walked in and I was so nervous. I have not had any luck with any kind of therapy since this journey with(out) Gracie. It seems people are far too interested in the parts I don't want to talk about - like the Court part of it. I expected the worst from her. I had stubbornly decided I wouldn't be talking. J & E had already told me this would be fine. "energy work doesn't need talking" - then that's what I'll do! Perfect!

But she was soft and kind and I'm certain she's lived dozens of interesting lives. & not because she hasn't fulfilled them but because she wants to keep learning and teaching. Oddly enough, the clock rang 1 hour and 15 minutes later and I was still spilling my life onto the floor like hot chocolate sauce that would harden if I didn't keep spilling. It was so strange that I didn't even know what I had said. - or what she had asked. She knew things about me before I said anything other than names of people I hold closely. She told me how I felt about those people just by the energy I gave off when speaking their names. She knew when I loved someone, when I missed someone and when I was scared by someone. She knew things - not in a "i can read your mind" way but in a "i can see your soul" way. She was standing behind me, holding my head, for the longest time. And she started crying. I felt terrible about it and wanted to comfort her but before I could say anything she said, "just let me go". I swear I wanted to die. But then she moved her thumb and my veins were filled with cold water. I felt like I was floating and I think she stopped crying.

When I got off the table, I felt taller. I know, it even sounds funny when I write it. But seriously, I kept looking at the ground because it seemed so much farther away. And when I walked out her door I walked into a lobby I hadn't seen going in. There was a hard floor and stairs I didn't remember. She's magic. She explained myself to me and while I don't like that whole "i know you and you don't" thing, it felt very genuine - almost scary. She moved my insides. Who does that? Hokey, Magic Lady! I'm telling you!

She gave me homework so we'll see how it goes. If nothing else, at least I'll end up a bit taller. A girl can always use a few more inches upward.

One Scarred Hand to Another

Love songs have been my Nemesis the last few years. Ask Cristy. Every song, no matter what kind of love it's about, reminds me of Gray. It can be Pink or Avril. Kelly or Cold Play. She's learned when to change the station in the middle of brunch so stealthily that our friends don't even notice. It's insane and because of it, I only listen to Christian music. Maybe that's misleading. I've always listened to Christian music but now I almost ONLY listen to Christian music. This makes me very unhip but ask my leg warmers when that's ever bothered me before.

The other night Cristy and I went shopping. Gray's birthday is three weeks from tomorrow. She'll be six. Six. And I'm going to miss it. And really, who cares if I miss her birthday when I'm missing her life? But back to shopping. I found her a dark purple baby doll coat with matching leggings and I stood there with them in my hands and thought that as long as I was touching them, she'd feel me. I'll never see her in them but I know what she'll be wearing, right? I pray so hard that I'm certain I'm running out of wishes.

***

I get asked all the time about my faith. It's probably normal for people to question it because loss makes you question things that big. & other moms like me have asked how I stay so faithful. I just had this conversation the other day and I almost couldn't answer. Not because I've lost faith but because there are definitely days when I want better answers. I have days when I feel lost or left behind by the one thing in all the world that brings me peace. I question, just like you, why I'm so certain on most days and so displaced on others. But like I told this friend, holding on to God (or whatever you consider bigger than you) gives me strength. & whatever is smothering me, let's go when I have that power.

***

So again, back to shopping. I stood there questioning, wanting answers. I stood there and felt betrayed and forgotten. And then I'm reminded when I turn the radio on. See? I had a point. I'm reminded that I'm not alone and that I'm still as strong or as weak as I want to be and that free will allows us all to make the wrong choices and even sometimes allows others to make the wrong choices for us. I turned on this song half way through but I'm certain I was meant to listen. Do you know Nichole? Am I her only fan? ...besides Leah?


...Oh Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel's Den
And I have asked you once or twice if you would part the sea again
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
I just want to know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry

Tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer,
Are you there?
I know you could leave writing on a wall that's just for me
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping - deep into a sweet dream
But I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end
Just want to know that you still know how many hairs are on my head


Sometimes we need to be reminded.
Today I am strong in my faith, knowing the answers I need and the ones I can wait for. And comfortable knowing there will be more bad days - plenty of them. And knowing that I love her Big Enough to walk all the steps it takes to get to her.

September 11th, 2007

My first thought waking up today was...who will be our new Mayor? Then...Happy Birthday to my dear friend Tori. Then...

Six years ago, this country experienced a new kind of fear. I've not been on this blog long enough to have written about it before so I thought this year would be my token year to talk about the day that will never die.

We can all recall where we were and how our reality was challenged and we "couldn't believe it was real". I've heard people ask my mom where she was when Kennedy was shot or when Elvis died. This will be our question. Where were you when the towers fell?

My memory goes like this:

I was in bed. Asleep. The mother of her was over 7 months pregnant with Gracie. The phone rang and it was my aunt. She told the mother of her that I needed to turn the television on because a plan had hit my tower. I knew exactly what she was talking about because I had been obsessed with them since I first saw them in 1994. I turned on the tv and, like everyone else, thought it wasn't right - wasn't real. I was staring at it when the second plane hit the second tower and I gasped so loudly that my partner came downstairs. When they fell, I said outloud, "I think 8 thousand people just died." I thought that because I remembered hearing that 8 thousand people worked in the towers. It was devastating.

I called my work to say that I wasn't coming in but no one was there. Everyone was afraid. I was afraid. Here we were, about to bring a baby girl into this world and the world was falling out from underneath us. So many things changed that day. & from way over here in the West, we've felt it. Those of you so close...I bet you still see/hear reminders all the time.

Today we remember the towers and all the people who fell with them.

Pride Softball! It's OVER!

I wanted to upload this little, bitty picture because it sums up what I did ALL weekend! Cristy and her team started playing Saturday morning and ended Sunday at 6:30 with a fat (or phat?) trophy! It's her first year playing and even I had so much fun!

So here's a shout out to my girl to tell her congratulations! Watching her was my favorite part, of course. But the whole team was so great - even Yeager got to be part of it as the bat boy and he was fantastic!

So minus too much sunshine on my neck, plus the fact that (again) our garage went unpacked, it was a perfect, productive weekend that ended in a thousand kisses!

...that's all for today but I will be back to make sure you all went out and voted!! Please, O'please make this a priority - especially if you live by me! I won't be rude and tell you who to vote for. Nor will I ask you once you do. Just as long as you DO!

Let's Make Up!

"Never vote for the best candidate. Vote for the one who will do the least harm."
- Frank Dane

This is not necessarily the best quote for this post but I wanted to get your attention.

Next Tuesday, is the Primary Election. In this State, we'll be voting in the municipal races and it's getting intense people! "NECK and Neck and neck..." in the SLC Mayor race. So this email is to tell each and every one of you to vote in your primary but especially if you're here, in my city! I can't tell you who to vote for because my amazing job doesn't allow me to speak until after September 11th but I can tell you that your vote will matter. Your little finger print on that screen could make oodles of difference in your city! So DO it!

I also wanted to add a little shout out for all of you who participated in yesterday's commenting competition. I'm still determining the winner. I'll let you know after the Primarys. (trying to lighten the mood here)

I appreciate the forum of blogging because it allows us to be funny and obnoxious and concerned. We can educate, evaluate and question even our own hearts. I feel safe here, as I've said before. And maybe it's because you don't see my face as I type or even at the market or on the street. Even if you know my story with Gray, I can talk about the good parts here and parts of my new family. Maybe it's because we're all a little "anonymous" through these posts and we can express ourselves without being on the front page of (not)gay.com. Either way, I thank each and every one of you - whether we agree or not.

Have a lovely weekend!

Just to clarify...

I won't take too much time here but I wanted to respond to a comment a few posts ago. Somehow I went back a bit and found it.

Anonymous said..."I wish you and your daughter the best. I wonder about another person involved in Gracie's story and that is her father."

I want to make it perfectly clear that my daughter doesn't have a "father", she has a donor. An anonymous donor at that. We chose, on purpose, to not involve a third party. Not because we have anything against father's or men in general but because we wanted to be clear that she has two parents, two moms.

I get heated about this subject for a couple of reasons:

1) because I became the third party in court.

Our sperm donor, who we'll never know, had a step up the legal ladder ahead of me and they used that tool as often as they could. In fact, my attorney argued something like "what if the parents were heterosexual..." and Cheryl's mom piped out "they ARE!" She included this man in the title of PARENT. She counted him, with my ex, as the two hetero people that parent our daughter. Explain how a donor can possibly be a parent?

& 2) because I'm now dealing with another case where the "donor" has decided he wants rights to "his" child after years of not knowing her.

Why? Because he all of a sudden wondered if she was okay? Because he knows, after my ruling, he has a chance? Because his new wife decided they should know all of "his" children? Y.U.C.K.

I suppose, like the rest of us, donors should really think about what a donor is before giving such a forever gift. & I know there are arrangements out there that work perfectly. I know there are exceptions. But this wasn't like that. If Gracie and Yeager's donors are out there wondering how they are and what they're like, I hope it's through grace and a full heart - not because they think of them as their children. Ew.

I want to be clear also, that I am so grateful for men like #Gracie maker who gave such a precious thing to people he would never know. To some, it's no different than giving a child up for adoption. For others, it's a simple gift to strangers. And even other's...40 bucks. Still, what would we do without them?

Happy Labor Day!

Labor day means an extra day off for me. I'm wondering if it came from somewhere or if I should be doing something specific to celebrate. Rest? Work? I don't really understand it. If you know, chime in & make me look bad. I love that. :)

I hope you all had a restful, long weekend. We did. In fact, ours began last Thursday but I was so tired that all I was good for was a little help with homework and a lot of Sleep. The rest of it went flawlessly though. Lots of family time, friend time and Us time. Perfect.

Saturday night, & every Labor Day, my parents host a Cowboy Poetry night at our cabin. Everyone has to dress up like cowboys and read a poem or sing a song or dance a dance. You get it. This year was no exception and we had a great time. Cristy and I sing a song to the tune of "Beverly Hillbilli*s" every year. This is us in our cowgirl gear on the back deck. I think we took first place. We rocked!!

The kids were adorable. It's been a while since I've seen my big family and a few of them were curious about Gracie and how I was doing & what I knew of her. She was missed there. Everywhere. Yeager has a family tradition with his other family this weekend so he wasn't there either. We were kid free. Some times that's good but not this weekend. They both would've loved every minute of it.

All the cowboys and cowgirls. Brookie, Annie, Tana, Broc, Salomon, Coby & Preston.

Me and my favorite first nephew, Broc.

My brother, pretending to look loaded, and his adorable children.

Our cabin looks over a lake called Rockport. The views are stunning. The sunsets are incredible and the stars could make any night magic. We don't get up there as often as we'd like but every weekend we go up, we promise to go more. Here are a few pics of what we saw all weekend.

View from the back deck.

Cristy, in our bedroom.

The sunset down the hill.

The deer come right up on the deck. They'll eat out of your hands. This is my brother playing ... The Deer Whisperer...

The most handsome man I could find up there. :)

It was nice to get away and spend some time where life is easy. We have such amazing canyons in this State. The leaves are already changing so if you live here, get up there in the next couple of weeks to see the colors.

We will.