"Lost"

Does anyone else still watch this show? Finally, tonight, it's back. Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurlie...

I've watched it since it's first episode. It's about a group of people who crashed in a plane. And when they crashed, they found faith. All of their lives had been mishaped. They had trials that weren't be handled in a healthy way. One girl was pregnant and alone. Another was paralized and wanting to die. They crash on this island that has slowly, over three seasons, given them faith in one thing - the mirror of themselves.

Today was a hard day. I feel as if we've been thrown under a bus - I feel it for my friends and their friends. We were part of a group that had been lumped together to gain a little ground and stand a little stronger. There were three parts to our group. & let's just say, the other two left my part behind. The worst part? I get it.

As I spent all that time fighting for Gracie, I never wondered how bad I might make it for a mother behind me. Of course, people would tell me so I knew the possibility but it didn't matter. I was fighting on behalf of my daughter. If I could save her, I could work on the rest of them later. But that's what parents do. There was nothing that could have convinced me not to fight for her incase of creating bad law. I was fighting for her, not my people.

So now, that's what these people are doing. We hoped that a Bill that protected us all would pass through with flying colors. Instead, they cut us out to guarantee passage. (kinda like HRC did with ENDA...) Now, children of step-parents and grandchild of grandparents will never lose those relationships because there will be a law to protect them. But our children won't be included. Everyone's children but ours.

I found myself the "mirror of myself" today. Lost. I felt like karma had come to kick my ass. I was willing to sacrifice others to protect my daughter. The other parts of my army did the same thing today. They did and they should have. I can't blame them. Hundreds of children will be safe from the very thing Gracie wasn't. I'm grateful for that.

This bill has nothing at all to do with our adoption bill and we are still going full steam ahead with that. If it passes, the other won't matter. If it doesn't, we have to work that much harder next year. Wish us luck - lots of it.

Happy Birthday, Randy!

My dear friend Leah, from Ohio, asked if I would mind posting a birthday note to her son, Randy. She is a mom, just like me, waiting for her child.

Leah, on this day, I pray that the wonderful memories are louder than the pain you feel from missing him. I love you. I am blessed to know you. And I'll be right here all day.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY RANDY!

I recall sitting beside your bed during thunderstorms, we played in sandboxes, slid down slides together, I worried through your fevers, we battled monsters in closets, you helped me mend your broken toys and you kissed my boo boos like I kissed yours. I have laughed louder, smiled broader and loved more profoundly because of you.

Happy 4th Birthday Randy.
I Love You Son,
Leah

President Hinckley 1910-2008

You had to know I would blog about this.

Last night, I was quietly watching Extr*me Home Mak*over when the news chimed in to tell me that "the prophet of the Morm*n church died at 7pm." I realized that at 7pm, I was sitting in the very room he was born. Maybe he even stopped by on his way...up.

Now I'm not a Morm*n but I definitely have respect for any man that serves human kind the way he did. Plus, I believe he was married to his wife for 67 years and nothing impresses me more than that. She died a few years back and that was the first thing I thought of when I heard the news of his passing - that he would join her.

If you've been reading here a while, you know that I live in the home where he was born. Our house was born in 1896. He was born 14 years later. And I found out earlier today that his wife was born in the home across the street. Crazy!

We've had news media hanging around here all afternoon. One report showed a reporter asking a neighbor how long our home had been purple. - longer than we've been here, I assure you. He came through our house a few years ago and they recorded him walking from room to room telling stories.

Yeager thinks it's kind of cool that he lived here. He cheered extra loud at a parade last summer. I think there are other's in Cristy's family who think of us living here as sinful. It's kind of strange that it went from Mormon to Jewish to So Very Gay. Full circle, right? Kidding.

So, 97 years later, he left his religion about a zillion people bigger than before he started. And while we haven't benefited from the religion, at least we got the house, right? God bless Pres Hinckley & God bless the Hinckley Plantation.

I think I want a copy of that video. You know, just to have.

Weekend In Paradise

...and pictures to prove it. :)

We left the madness of the city for a couple of quiet days in the moutains. My brother and his kids joined us and we all met up at our family cabin for some R&R and spoiling from grandma and grandpa.

This is our new family toy.

Here are some pictures of us all sledding down the driveway.

Cute Yeager. Could he really be happier?

And here are some pictures of everyone sledding ALL the way down the mountain. We followed them on the Ranger and Snow Mobile to make sure cars weren't coming. They literally rode their sleighs 35 minutes - one solid ride. Amazing.

My brother on the luge run.

Little seven year old, Salomon. He's a dare devil.

The whole gang ending at the bottom of the road. The sun went down on our second trip. Very chilly.

This is the lake that is now covered in 8 inches of ice. There were people fishing on it all day. Not me - not in that wind.

This is the view up the hill. No one ever visits that little cabin. What a waste.

And here are some random pictures of us.

And this is all of us but Cristy, the photographer.

It's a compliment, right?

One of my favorite co-workers (& there are many) said something interesting to me tonight. We threw a rally at the Capitol to support Workplace Fairness. I had sent him a text to tell him he was magic (because he really is) and when he called me to say thank you, he also said, "you are a dream with the life history of a nightmare". I was kind of stunned because it was such a thoughtful, genuine thing to say but also because he acknowledged a part of my life that keeps me motivated on nights like tonight.

I came home after the rally with thoughts of the rally we're about the throw on behalf of the adoption bill. Truth be told, that is where my passion is. This isn't a secret. Protecting children from what happened to mine is almost haunting for me. I think I have selfishly taken it on - knowing it makes me feel like I'm still fighting for her.

Some days, like yesterday, are so hard that it doesn't feel possible to really do enough. (btw, thank you for all of your thoughts) And then there are days like today when I watch my community stand up for their families through radio interviews, op-eds and rallies. It's inspiring and it feels like they want it as much as I do. Maybe the reason is different. Maybe my reason is so I can tell her I kept fighting until we won. But we're still in the same game and on the same side. And although my history has proved to be a "nightmare", on this night I receive a call to say that our largest paper has taken support of our bill. - acknowledging the nightmare of my past and the dream of my future.

***

Outdated law: Utah should allow same-sex couples to adopt

Utah's law banning adoptions by gay and lesbian couples and unmarried straight couples was a deplorable codification of bigotry in 2000 when it was passed. That hasn't changed.

But after eight years the law has become an illogical anachronism, considering the results of new studies, and it should be changed. The number of same-sex couples who are raising children increased by a third from 2000 to 2005, and the body of research showing that children raised by homosexual couples have no more problems than those from homes with a mother and a father has also grown.

Rep. Rebecca Chavez-Houck, D-Salt Lake City, is carrying the banner for equality during the current session of the Legislature in the form of House Bill 318, which would lift the adoption restrictions, while stating that the Legislature prefers that a child be adopted by a parent or parents who are legally married.

Winning passage for the bill will be an uphill struggle against conservative forces, but it is a battle worth fighting, for the sake of children who need permanent homes with people who are their legal parents.

The Williams Institute based at the University of California Los Angeles estimates there are 53,832 gay, lesbian or bisexual Utah residents. Among them, there were 4,307 same-sex couples, up nearly 1,000 from 2000.

Nineteen percent of those couples are parents, raising a total of about 1,226 children. They may be the biological offspring of one spouse. Robbing the other parent of the ability to legally adopt the child leaves that parent on shaky legal ground when it comes to daily parenting duties - doctor visits, talking with teachers, signing documents - and in the event the couple were to split up.

In other cases, these couples simply want to give a good home to children, sometimes needy children who have been in foster care.

Growing up with two lesbian mothers or two gay fathers may require some explanation, but evidence shows such children are at no more risk than those from traditional homes. The American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics have all stated their support for same-sex couples adopting.

Only two other states - Florida and Mississippi - block homosexual couples from adopting. It's time Utah joined the majority that allow it.

***

Amen.

The Hands that Held Her

I had an appointment today. You know, that awful 'once a year' appointment you have with your OBGYN. I dreaded it on many levels but the biggest was that I haven't seen her in a very long time.

The last time I saw her she was sitting in a courtroom testifying on behalf of me & Gracie. It was 2004. She was testifying to the fact that "yes, they did have the child together" and "yes, Keri was there when Gracie was conceived and at every pre-natal appointment and at her birth and so on".

It was humiliating for me to ask all these people to "vouch for me" for something that was so intricate in my every day life. But my ex had told the court that I was nothing more than a roommate. -that she boarded a room in my house and that sometimes I would "babysit". The reality of it was more than I would wish on anyone. Each person who spoke for me, including our doctor and Gray's pediatrician, made an impact in my ruling which resulted in the next 2 years I was able to spend with my daughter.

But back to today.

I walked in and the nurse took me back to the room to get all naked and nervous. I realized immediately that I was in the same room that Gracie was conceived. Up came the tears. I remember every moment - every moment. It was the third try - and it was a charm!

I sat and waited for about 5 minutes. I saw her when I walked in so she knew I was there. I wondered if she was uncomfortable. I mean, it has been four years! I had her refer me to a specialist the year after my hearings so I literally have never talked to her since that day in court.

She came in and knew I was nervous. She immediately sat by me and held my hands. My first thought was that 'those were the hands that first held my daughter'. She held her as she entered this world and then she turned to me and lay her in my hands - like a gift. Those hands that held mine today...those hands... I broke down and started crying.

She said she had kept up on my battle through the media and through common patients. She knew how it ended and I didn't have to explain anything. I couldn't if I tried.

It's amazing how long it's been and how much it still hurts. When I think of her and how close she once felt to me, I crave knowing what she would feel like today. - what the weight of her would feel like laying on my chest. -what her hands would feel like inside mine.

I miss her. I always will.

Happy MLK Day

"Now is the time to make justice a reality for all God's children."
-Martin Luther King, Jr
Address at March on Washington August 1963

We're still working on it.

Today was the first day of the Ut*h Legislative Session. It only lasts 45 days but only people that don't live and breath for those 45 would say it only lasts 45 days. It's plenty long for this old girl. :) 45 days of anxiety, hope, headaches, hunger, pride, etc. I love every minute of it.

As I said before, we've decided to change the laws around here. Our adoption laws suck and I blame every inch of them - as well as a few others - for taking my daughter away. I am passionate about it. I would give anything to be able to tell Gracie that even though I lost her when she was only 5, eventually all children were safe from the kind of hurt that happened to her. I didn't sit still. I kept fighting.

We're looking for letters from people that support the bill. -local people who think that every child should be given the rights and security that comes from having two parents. When writing my own, I decided to demand Cristy to move us away. I go through this every few months. And it's not because I don't want to live here. I love it here. I love the seasons, my family, my city, my Mayor, my many fellow lesbian families :) but I need new laws! A girl needs some heavy muscles for protection after a year like last year.

She'll say yes. Then I'll say no. :) That's how it always goes. Because I don't really want to leave. I really want to stay here and raise a family with my favorite girl in our favorite house with our favorite dog. And while we're at it, I want to 'make justice a reality for all of God's children' - then I'll never have to make empty threats again.

Keri vs Britney

I went to the grocery store today. You know what that means, right? Yes, that I got to read all about Britn*y Spe*rs buying a pregnancy test with her latest boyfriend. Splashed across the cover were things like, "She's having another one!" & "A little sister for ? & ?" Whatever. I'm still bitter.

But then I thought about her and (because we all know her so very well) I realized I would rather slit my wrists than have her life. I'm not sympathizing - just saying she's made a nightmare out of what should have been a very creative, active, giving, happy life. And I want more than that.

Sure, I'd like the money she has. I could buy a lot of beautiful things for countless beautiful people. I'd also like the body she has. But she'll be thirty-seven one day and all "that" won't sit so high. I might like the attention for a while - maybe. But I have a lot that she doesn't have. You too, right?

I have family that doesn't call Dr Phil when I throw a tantrum. I have a partner who adores me and it's not because I let her ride my coattails and make some Gawd awful rap album. Cristy? Rap? And I have an amazing job where I'm encouraged and supported and guided through the good days and bad. (we even throw in a few dance moves every now and then too.)

So even though she can get pregnant on a whim - she's got nothin' on me. OR you.

Pitty Me

So a while ago I announced that I was on cd1. ...a Way Long While Ago. I believe my full cycle was about 38 days and now I'm feeling like a dud. We rushed into tracking and I think I actually ovulated much later than I originally thought and now I feel cursed with waiting six weeks to see what happens this time. Yuck. I am currently bothered that I'm a girl and that I must deal with a flunker of a reproductive system.

About 1/2 way through, I started having terrible pain - almost constant pain. I felt like my ovaries were growing like during the old OHSS days. And maybe they were. But why? I have asked "why" a thousand times this cycle... but here I am on cd2 and tracking every move I make. I will most certainly have it down by the end of February. Oh God...February. And in the meantime, back to the doctor so she can tell me that nothing is wrong and that it's certain to happen any time now. (minus the fact that we haven't agreed to do an insem...)

The big plan is to do another round of IVF in March or April but those months feel like years from now. We might get a little tricky in the meantime but can I tell you how tired I am of waiting for this baby to get here? I mean, I put it out there years ago. I admit I got tired of trying and took a long break. Was it too long? Am I too old? Was I always too old?

I'm back now. A changed life later and still waiting. I'm getting less picky by the minute. I no longer plan insems around the month I'd like to give birth. I don't care about the gender of my child(ren). I haven't even looked at the donor stats in months because I don't care if he's brown or green or if his eyes are blue or gold. Well, I care because this child will be my green skinned, gold eyed wonder but you know what I mean. This girl is not picky. But she's sad. And she's scared that the dream of it all is feeling farther and farther away.

"Jupiter" far.

Attn: Utah Bloggers!

Last night, my family made the trek to a beautiful, tucked away community that's very obviously packed full of lesbian mom families. We left the grid of our city to get lost among the street names of a city called Riverton.

Since it seems that everyone in this great State is a blogger, I thought I'd out those of you that I know and ask the rest of you that read here to tell me who you are. If kj introduces me as my blog name, I am certainly not reading as much about my neighbors as I should. And I feel badly about it.

Back to last night and all the lesbians in the south valley...I'm still in awe. I imagined there might be four of you that convinced each other to move out there because the schools were close, the views were beautiful and the traffic was ... hell. (scratch that reason) But I was shocked at the crowd and am forever grateful to the hosts for filling their home on a late Sunday night.

If you don't live in Utah, you probably don't think there are more than 10 of us. But we really have a very large lgbt community here. And we're also way up there in the numbers of lgbt headed families. That is one of the many reasons we need to change our adoption laws. Our children deserve the same protection as the children next door - period.

If you were one of the many people that attended the meeting last night, keep in touch. Write your letters and ask that your family write theirs. And any ally who disagrees with the laws that don't protect our children make great stories too. Your daycare provider, your pediatrician, your church leader, your midwife - your child(ren)'s grandparents and aunts and uncles... I can tell you that the letter my mom wrote after she lost her grand-daughter was more compelling than any lifetime movie. Your family matters and everyone who doesn't get it, needs to hear it.

Attend the rally on the 13th of February (Capitol Rotunda 6pm) and show your support of this bill. If we fail to have a presence in it's first year, we will fail all together.

And...scene!

...On To Big Girl Talk!

Well, how fun was that? I felt like a bunch of my best girls were sitting around a camp fire telling stories of 'way back when'. I have lowered my expectations and I suppose since the rest of us were kissing at 12 & 13 (or younger...), he'll most likely leave this party with a kiss or two. Wow. How much more strange will this feel when it's Yegs having his first boy/girl party? So weird.

My past fews days have been a bit crazy. This time of year means full days and evenings for me. There's a lot going on with our local legislative session and we're gearing up for some big battles. One of these is dear to my heart and it makes me think of Gracie with every breath. Had she been protected by our laws, we wouldn't be apart today.

My State carries an adoption ban for anyone "cohabitating" and not legally married so I wasn't able to legally adopt her. Most of you know this but I just thought I'd throw it out there for added info. We will now start the uphill battle to erase that restriction, in hopes of protecting our children from people like the mother of her - and there are many. This is only one thing is does.

The restriction not only makes it impossible for lgbt people in committed, loving relationships to adopt or foster, it also makes it so we can't legally protect the children we already have together - the children we create together. It's really a terrible law and I'm kind of stunned that we've stood still and allowed it to smother us for so long. 7 long years.

So on Monday, I'll host a meeting at my house and hopefully we'll be nearing the ending stages of getting people involved. We've held three other meetings and still three more coming. If you are in this state and you haven't attended yet, please consider it. You can email me privately and I'll give you the details.

Happy weekend everyone!

First Kiss

I read a statistic that over 80% of woman hated their first kiss. I think "hate" is a little harsh but I must admit I fall into the majority. Since 80% of woman probably had their first kiss with a boy, this makes perfect sense to me. Okay, that was harsh and I'm honestly kidding. But also, 9% of people marry the first person they kiss and 84% of kids under 13 have already experienced that first, dreadful french kiss.

I was 13. Almost a grown up :) I was "dating" a boy in the neighborhood. He was dangerous for a 14 year old. I always crushed on the type that got in too much trouble. So... I decided he could be my boyfriend when we were on a church trip. I think we were gone for a weekend so I was feeling extra rebellious. I held his hand. I was nice to him in front of my friends. And when our church leader dropped us off, I let him walk me home.

I knew the moment was coming. I knew we wouldn't be a real couple until I kissed him. He had already kissed other girls - oh, the pressure! He walked me up to the door and we stood there for (not nearly long enough) a while. Eventually, he made his move. I'm certain it felt something like this poor child is experiencing:



Grooooooss. He ended up marrying my best friend and I doubt there's been much change in his kissing style. Poor Tricia.

Many years later, eight to be exact, I would finally have my first real kiss with a girl. And the result was much better. So was it because I was so young when I "hated" my first kiss or was it better later just because I kissed a girl? Does it seem like girls actually care that kissing is good and important? And that boys are just trying to hurry through to the next step? :) I'm laughing because I know girls who hurry through too but I never minded them as much. :)

How was your first kiss? Boy or girl? Good or bad? & how young were you? This is causing me great anxiety. You're probably wondering why I'm googling all these statistics but it's because this Saturday is my best nephews first boy/girl party - he's twelve. Twelve. I held him in my arms just over twelve short years ago. He worshipped me - still does. He won't kiss her, right? I mean, he's not thirteen - yet.

Weekend Wrap-Up

The weekend is winding down with just a few more hours to go. I'm about to head upstairs to watch the first LW*rd of the season - hoping Bette and Jodi get back together and that Tina gets whisked off to London on some urgent, very long assignment. I'm not a fan until she gets back to being Randall Dean. I suppose if you don't know what I'm talking about, you're simply not as gay as I am. Poor you. :)

Our weekend has been nothing short of perfect. We've had some beautiful storms and our yard still looks like Christmas. However, we have removed all things Christmas from the house so it's now back to clean lines and no clutter. Loving every minute of it. Have I told you lately how much I love our house? ahhh...

I have to tell you a very funny story from Friday night. Yegs came walking in the kitchen and announced that he can't wait until he gets hair on his penis. What? Um, why? His answer went something like this: "because then I'll accidentally zip up the hair instead of my penis." Oh My God. I almost pee'd my pants. He has actually done this a couple of times - only once in my presence - but it's obviously happened enough times for him to be doing some future planning. I'm still getting used to this "having a boy" thing. Hilarious.

Hey - have any of you ever heard someone say "that scared the b'jesus out of me!" Because earlier tonight, Cristy and I almost saw a car wreck. After I said, "i think that scared the jesus out of me" and she made fun because she tought it was "b'jesus". My mom agreed but I'm certain you are all way smarter than them and you're going the agree that it's "the jesus" and not "b'jesus".

You can tell I'm a little over relaxed. Just bare with me.

Also, I wanted to give a very big shout out to our favorite Texas bloggers... B and K have been supporting my rants for a long time and they've been suffering through ttc right along the rest of us. Well, Saturday morning they got a wonderful New Year's present and I thought you all might want to be sure to show them some love! Very exciting! They've been through a hard time of late and I seriously think this is just inches from being a miracle! Love you girls.

I got a crush on ...

Obama.

Not really. I mean, he's handsome enough - in a "donor" sort of way. But I wonder if any of you have seen this yet, you simply must if it hasn't found its way to you yet. I saw it a few months ago and then started signing off as K to the E to the R to the I. It's very funny. Then Hillary fans started sending this one around which isn't nearly as easy to watch but still good and terribly funny. I'm sure there are more but these are the best I've seen.

It got me thinking...if I'm going to run for President one day, I need a new name. There just isn't a "ring" to my short little four letter name. K to the Anything doesn't roll of your tongue. & no one really has a crush on "ker". It just sounds weird. I've always wanted a 3 syllable name like Tiffany or Stephanie or Penelope - wait, that's four but you get it. I wanted one of those names that has lots of loops and looks pretty in cursive. My entire name - first, middle and last, has just four... small... syllables. Many people use my middle name just so it doesn't sound like they're clearing their throat or trying to get someone's attention. I'm whining. It's just that, if someone is going to get in their bikini and sing a song for me, I must have a very cool name!

When I think of naming our future young, I always try to stretch it out. I'll say, "how about TWO f's?" and Cristy will cross one out. Or "how about ll...ie?" and she'll say - why not just ly? Her name is as short as it can be too. You'd think she'd understand my pain.

And, I think four word names are fun too. Stephanie Melissa Perfect Jones. And names like Holly Lillia - when you say it all together it's like Hallelujah. Okay, I'm not serious. Don't worry. But I do want to come up with something original, yet easy to spell. And pretty. It must be pretty.

I think if I ever run for President I'll change my name to Harmony. Three syllables. Pretty. Loopy. There's no "i" to draw a heart over but I can deal with that.

Vote for Harmony Holly Lillia Jones! ...I'll keep thinking...

Iowa Caucus' *Update

It's time to begin politicking again. Did it really ever stop? It seems the upcoming Presidential race was well in force by last November's elections. So maybe the question should be...will it ever end? But I love it. The very threads of democracy are being woven as we speak and there is hardly nothing more exciting in my book.

So today, the Iowa caucus' meet and they'll gather around their favorite candidate and whoever has the largest group wins. Did you know it worked like that? I think it's odd. The Republicans do it differently but none of you would be one of those, right? kidding.

Anyway, statistically speaking, tonight will be telling of what's to come. & then whose turn is it? - New Hampshire? Ah - to Live Free or Die. That's their state motto. I love that. I spent a couple of weeks there on a honeymoon of all things. I was married on Independence Day and New England really knows how to celebrate this country! I bet they really throw around their flags this time of year too. Anyway...

To be honest, I haven't made my mind up yet regarding a candidate. I think Cristy and I like to compete against each other so we go back and forth about who is best. A woman? An African-American? A rich guy who happens to have a brilliant daughter? It's up in the air and thank God we've got a few months to bicker about it. Are any of you set in stone? Because if so, I bet I have a good argument to sway you. Again, kidding.

& don't go listing Romney just to play on my "Utah" card. I'm not a fan. - not of his politicking, not of his eyebrows and not of his faith. You can bet he'll win in this State but I'm not seeing much more out there for him. How do you really go from being pro-choice and pro-gay to such a bigot? Tricky, that's how. And Huckabee? Ew. Guiliani (or however you spell it), he's not handsome enough. The President must be handsome, right?

Now Hillary, she's handsome.
Last time, kidding.

**Update
Looks like it's Obama & Huckabee - who knew?
What do you all think?

Happy New Year!

I've been catching up on all of you and it sounds like everyone had a perfect holiday - minus a few little colds and headaches. We're back home and, while we had a really nice week away, I was happy to be sleeping in my own bed with my own pillow. - the little things.

Reading you all made me realize how many of us trying to have babies are actually GOING to have babies in 2008! And now kj has joined the bunch! That girl just can't get enough attention. :) And if you haven't sent her love yet, please head over there and give her a cheer. And better yet, if any of you have five babies under age 4, let her know how easy it's going to be. Or lie - because right now she needs you to lie. :)

2007 is over and done with and even though I'm a good twenty pounds heavier, I feel lighter knowing I have a new year to look forward to. Looking back, a lot of exciting things happened.

* We went through our first round of IVF so now we should be pro's by the next time. :)
* We sold two houses and bought our first house that's just OURS.
* We did a little bit of traveling but not nearly enough. (Vegas, anyone?)
* We got a new/used dog that brings me happiness every single day.
* We paid off all of our debt but some tried to latch on again. (hence, the new house)
* We saw our best friends marry.
* We made many new friends.
* We caught up with old friends.

& if that's all I look at, it seems it was a pretty good year. In fact, I feel strong enough today to make the prediction that this year will beat last year by mountains!

My goal was to be better with my time and I think I did pretty good. I show up when I say I will. I'm organized. I focus on spending my time with people I love. Good on me!

So here's to the new year of baby making, weight losing, debt freeing, trip taking days to come! Cheers!