Pieces of Gray

I'm Moving On...

2008-04-10T17:30:00.002-06:00

But I'm taking you with me!

This "blogger" thing has been wonderful but I think I'm ready for something a little more functional.

Come visit me at http://piecesofgray.wordpress.com and be sure to tag it because I'll be shutting this one down very soon.

xo.

Hi, my name is Keri...

2008-04-08T17:17:00.003-06:00

...and my tour ends here.

If any of you have any idea of what that means, you might be a tinsy more pathetic than I am. And now, of course, you won't admit it because... hell - I wouldn't either if I were you. But we're all friends here, right? You won't judge me like you did when I admitted to watching Tori & D*an - Inn L*ove. Right? Oh God, here it goes.

So a while ago I was moseying around the cable channels and I came across this train wreck. I should preface by saying that I am an OUT fan of reality television. A "fan" in a "thank God that's not me" kind of way. I watch the Bachelor. I can't help it. I love fairy tales. I've watched Survivor once or twice but it's just too mean. I've watched Amazing Race but that doesn't really count because it's...Amazing! Everyone should watch that show!

Anyway, so I'm moseying around and I see this show full of really skanky, half dressed women and I stop. (mostly because of the half dressed part) Hey, I was curious! And then it went like this:

Old Rocker Guy: (in his anti-sexiest voice) Chastity, will you stay in this house and continue to Rock My World?

Chastity: (or some other slutty name) I will Bret, I will! (then he places a back stage pass around her neck- double gag!)

Old Rocker Guy: And Destiny, will you come down here please? (she walks to him with boobs that should be held in a much more supportive bra) Destiny, I think you're hot. So hot. But I'm sorry, the tour ends here. (and she exits as if she were just dumped by Amy Ray)

It's awful. It's delicious! It's embarrassing but again, I know you won't judge me this time. I'm addicted. So addicted, in fact, that we're now down to the last two girls. I don't have a favorite because - well, they're both just gross. But I HAVE to keep watching! How can I not follow through? How can I not see who my Bret chooses to be his everlasting love?

In case you don't know who "Bret" is, he's the main guy from a band called Pois*n. I wouldn't have thought I knew their songs but I do. All three of them! & he's kind of this soft, sensitive guy who with softer skin, could make a pretty girl. And he plays a guitar so that puts him 1/2 way there for me - or maybe 1/8. hmm. I need to rethink this.

Do I hear any other fans out there?
If you come clean I promise to tell you the rest of this story...

Wonderful Dreams

2008-04-06T20:34:00.002-06:00

We're wrapping up a great weekend, once again. I'm looking forward to heading upstairs and sleeping soundly. Our new blinds let my beauty sleep soak in until 9:14 this morning. I think that's about to become a habit.

But my dreams...

4 of the last 5 nights have been full of wonderful dreams. I've dreamed of holding Gracie while she slept, hugging her so tightly with her hair blowing against my cheek and then swimming with her and watching her wave her magic wands through water. The water one has happened almost every night. But just feeling her in my arms and seeing her face so closely has made me remember how wonderful it was. And how badly I miss her.

She turned 6 1/2 on Friday. For some reason, I always remember that. I'm guessing the mother of her did as well. I know she's loved. I know she's cared for. But you know how you just feel like no one can do it like you do? Not that I was always perfect. But I know I love her in a way that no one else does/can. It's just something special that I hope to always hold.

We have this cool digital frame thing that, like me, you all got for Christmas. It goes through about 200 pictures and I watch it like a movie. Many, if not most, are pictures of Gray. I just sit and stare at it and I realized that all the years I watch it, she won't grow. She won't age. God knows I will. I'll be gray and wrinkled and she'll stay this beautiful little girl. I have her Easter picture out - still. It's the last professional photo I had taken of her. Again, it will be there every year. Maybe year around. It'll be Easter and Christmas at our house forever. What do people think? I guess I care or I wouldn't ask. After my brother died, no one took his pictures down. He has stayed 13 for twenty years. Is it the same? Or am I crazy and just trying to hold on - or not forget?

I'm tired. My whole house is already asleep. But before I go, we did the "random insem" today. I hate to make it sound so unimportant but it's just a way of making me feel like we're not wasting time. We can't see our new doctor for our next round of IVF until later this month. Why do nothing, right? & maybe, just maybe...one of those little guys swam his hardest and decided to hang around. We'll see. Either way, thanks for hanging around to find out.

TGIF

2008-04-04T10:57:00.003-06:00

We have some great plans over the next couple of days. I think we're even getting our bikes and scoots ready for movement! Maybe a little tennis in the morning to amp us up for some competitive games in the evening! Oh yes J, I'm prepared to kick your butt! :)

So I watch the Opr*h show yesterday. Anyone else? I'm not a big fan of O's. I know, not a very popular thing to say but it's true. I know she does amazing things. She changes lives. She gives stuff away. But does she have to tell us every time she does something good? I mean, we know how great she is but, for me, it just takes it away when she reminds me over and over again. Anyway, back to the pregnant man...

So, I watched the show and all I could think of is "why is this so neat?" I mean, it's not miraculous or anything. He still had everything he needs to conceive a child. There's no miracle. He's been off testosterone for 2 years. That facial hair? It's the same facial hair as two years ago. He no longer has to trim or shave or shape it. Anyway, I felt like it was just a great way to sell magazines and gain viewers. Unless, UNLESS you were an average joe/jane. I am not. I'm not above average but I know a thing or two about this blended community we call LGBT. And as I told one of you yesterday, I still have much to learn... But if you are an average joe/jane, you may have never seen such a great example of why none of this should matter. Here's this guy and his wife, dragging their two grown children to the O show. They bring in their doctor, a few neighbors just for added validation. They talk about their love for each other and what defines them as a family. - And that having another child/sibling is just a bonus to the love/family they have. None of them spoke of anything unique - just that they had the option and they went with it. It was beautiful. & hopefully they caught the eye of some below average people and maybe changed some minds/hearts. God knows that's never a bad thing.

Moving on...

Do you want to know my favorite thing about this weekend? Other than having Yegs home, having game night and doing a random insem... I get to Sleep In!!

My amazing, talented, terribly beautiful partner hung blinds in our bedroom yesterday. Before yesterday we had these flimsy gold draperies that, I swear, inhaled the nightime street lights. Plus, they're gold so the morning sunshine was like, "wha-hoo! I can shine right onto Keri's face at 6am every weekend!" Plus, and again,...they're gold. Yuck. But now, after one year and fifteen days, I have IKEA navy blinds and pretty white curtains to shut out the light and allow me to get my beauty sleep. I AM THANKFUL!

Good weekend rest to all of you! xo.

What to Think?

2008-04-02T21:07:00.005-06:00

So I heard about this story on the news a few days ago and thought it was one of those "myth buster" shows. Then I saw in Pe*ple Magazine and realized it must be true. It is true.... what?

It turns out it's no myth at all and it's certainly not some kind of freak show either. It's a story of a transman who was smart enough to keep the girl parts that allow some of us to create a child. I'm not saying that trans men who choose to opt out of all things female are stupid, I'm sure they're not. But for this guy & his wife - what a bonus!

I have to admit, I couldn't stop looking at the photo of him with that beautiful belly full of baby. Like me, you must be curious. & imagine... being a woman, married to a man and having a conversation that went something like this:

Wife: I'm just so tired of this ttc thing. I've tried and tried and failed and failed. I think we need to start looking into other options.

Hubby: Honey...I'm so sorry. I wish it wasn't so hard. Hey, I just thought of something! Why would we consider further options when we have another perfectly healthy womb right here? (points to self)

Many of you have had this same conversation (well, the YOU that are lesbians) but I bet you never thought that the hetero couple down the street could possibly do the same thing. Yeah, me neither. I think it's amazing.

Thoughts?

Am I Chronically Medicated?

2008-04-01T16:15:00.007-06:00

I woke up with a migraine this morning. I should have stayed in bed a while but I thought I'd be a trooper and annoy my co-workers with my pain for a few hours in stead. I like to think I don't get them very often but it seems like it's happening more than usual.

I got a terrible one in DC. I'm not sure if I included it in my details for all of you but it was bad news. I blamed it on flying because I blame everything bad on flying. But it went something like this: I started the day ready to float around Capitol Hill but not like a bird - more like a girl with a jet pack. We had so many appointments lined up and I was really excited for it. But then it struck - like lightening to my left temple! (did I mention I'm a total drama queen?) I made it through all the meetings but I couldn't speak during the 2nd to the last one and I could see by the time we left the last Senators office. I was OUT. -1,2,3,4,5....KO!

Today was nothing like that. I was miserable for about three hours then broke down and took some meds. My medication makes me feel bad in a whole other way - It hurts to breath through my nose (& who doesn't breath thru their nose?) and it impairs my speech - like I'm drunk. But after being laughed at for a while, I recover nicely...for a drunk. :)

I'm wondering though, have any of you had more serious migraines with fertility meds? Although that even seems crazy because right at this moment, I'm not medicated! It just seems like, since last June (our first transfer), I have had increased headaches. Just wondering.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well. I wanted to leave you with a beautiful picture of Humphrey's in San Diego and remind you all that I'll be there in just 80 days - me, C & jbeeky - with drinks in hand, of course. Oh, & did I tell you we're on row 2? That's right folks, just inches away from my favorite girl with a guitar/banjo/large stick or whatever she's holding.

ARay, just 80 days 'til we meet again...

Fan-tastic!!

2008-03-30T22:04:00.007-06:00

We're wrapping up a wonderful weekend. I think we'll stay up late just to drag it out a little.

First of all, we played Wii. Or maybe we played with a Wii. Either way, SO fun! I know some of you are months ahead of us. We had no idea what we were missing. We had dinner with friends Friday night and they treated us by kicking our butts in tennis and boxing. Cristy almost made them wish they didn't invite us because she almost punched a hole in their ceiling with her forehand - or something like that... It's HARD! And boxing? C'mon! I'm a lover, not a fighter! :)

I've talked back and forth with my long lost cousin a few times this weekend. It's feeling a bit less scary and it's actually been amazing to see/hear what her life has been like. She's married. She has no children. When I asked she actually said that she couldn't have children - "what would she say" to Mercy? I guess that makes sense. She's in Florida. She's been there off and on since she left. She's been clean for eleven years. She's been clean since the year after she left. That shocked me a little, I think. But I suppose there are bigger things than drugs when you deal with the trauma she's lived with. We talked in length about her regrets and I just tried to remind her that I love her and that I'll be here as long as she'll talk. It feels good.

We slept until 9am today. SO nice. Then we watched a movie in bed. I love Sundays. Unfortunately, I eventually had this (non)wonderful idea. I thought, "we should totally spend our whole Sunday doing all the things around the house/yard that we've put off since moving in!" dumb. As I sit here with a sore neck from resting my dining room light on it for 2 hours, I guess I'm glad it's over. But seriously, not my first idea of a Sunday with my girl. We bought a medallion about a year ago. It's really beautiful and it kind of matches the one that was already in the Parlor.

This is the before:

Anyway, after many strained muscles and much less patience than when we started, it's beautiful!

And after that? We finished our day with some terribly tasty sushi with our best girls! De'lightful! De'licious! De'Lovely!

One Day at a Time

2008-03-27T20:59:00.003-06:00

Life is kicking along. My week has been full of change & movement. We moved to a new office - the Gays are Growing in Utah! We more than doubled our last square footage and the new space feels like we're finally in a place we can call home. It's really lovely. I'm looking forward to hosting our community there.

And big news for me, Cristy surprised me with another planned vacation. She came home Saturday morning and asked me if I'd like to go to San Diego in June. And then she told me that the Ind*go Girls are coming to Humphreys. I realize many of you have not experienced those two things together and that's why I'm promising to take a million pictures to share it with you. But one of my favorite parts? I finally get to meet my favorite fellow blogger, jbeeky. I can't wait to see you, dear. And hug you and share our ARay passion!! We still have a couple of months but that gives us more time to plan for a perfect 5 days!

We've made all the appointments we'll need to get on with IVF#2. It's crazy to think that it's happening again but also crazy that it takes so long. Our appointments don't begin until April 21st. And we'll have a new doctor because our other doctor can't begin another round with us until June. June. And thank God for tax returns after paying on a new mortgage. We're lucky ducks to have the opportunity for another chance.

And the last thing I wanted to share with you is that finally, today, my phone rang. I've been waiting for almost a week and you've all been so great at giving me advice and just letting me express my feelings. My cousin called today. I heard her voice and she sounded wonderful. She cried the whole time but it felt good to just sit with her. She was quiet and I spent some time catching her up on new marriages and new babies.

My life was so different when she left. I was just 25 years old. I mean, my life hadn't even begun. Everything "big" was still years away. I had never been in love. I hadn't had children. I still had my cute green Cabriolet. :) And then I spent time listening to her past, her regrets and her fears. It's all so surreal. We talked about just taking a day at a time. She knows I'm afraid to dive in and I understand her need to stay safe. It's just crazy that it's all here, right in front of me. I came home today and unloaded a bunch of old emotions on Cristy. My counsin's past brings up a lot of old garbage in my life but it's healing and luckily, C is a great listener.

I feel so thankful and blessed. ...Because she took the step and because you have all been so supportive.

She Speaks

2008-03-25T09:26:00.004-06:00

Thanks for all the love around my very long post the other day. I definitely spent the weekend by my computer - refreshing every few hours or so. But I didn't hear from her - until today.

Seeing her name and knowing she wrote it, is seriously haunting. You can't imagine how long I've waited for this conversation. About 7 years ago, I resorted to the fact that she was probably dead. She lived a dangerous life. I know that sounds very fiction but it's true. No boundaries or even a compass. She hitch-hiked across the county for God's sake. The fact that she has lived this entire life for the last dozen years is just so unbelievable to me.

Her email was short but said a thousand things. She said she was scared. She thanked me for telling her Mercy was safe & healthy but also said she knows she doesn't have a right to ask those questions anymore. She doesn't know where to start or how to ask for forgiveness. I don't have any answers for her.

I have so much compassion for her but, at the same time, I question it. I mean, how could you leave your child? What kind of person could literally walk away and simply trust that she would be cared for? From the place I stand, it eats at me. I like to think, no matter what would happen/ed in my life, I could never do what she did. & even if we live through terrible experiences, we can still make choices and live differently, right?

Then again, I step back and I think it's wrong to judge her. How do we know how all of these awful things affected her? The same things may have happened to me or you but we have strong family support & maybe that's what made all the difference. I can't even imagine otherwise.

When I sent her a note thru myspace, I told her that Mercy was doing well. After I sent it and after obsessing for days, I regretted saying anything about her daughter. On one hand, she doesn't deserve to know. On the other hand, anything I say can scare her away and I'm guessing everything around her leaving, seats her right on the edge of escaping again.

And that's a risk for me. I'm scared too. I spent years looking for her - just for the answer of whether or not she was alive. Investing in this "new relationship" with her feels very scary for me. At the same time, I am so grateful that she took a step toward home. And so grateful that, if Mercy wants answers, she just might be able to get them.

Some of you wrote about my loss of two girls. And while there are many similarities, my feelings of loss are nowhere comparable between the two. However, knowing that Mercy might know her mother one day gives me hope for Gray and me. I think of the questions she'll have and the peace that the answers will give her. I obviously didn't abandon Gracie but part of me wonders if she'll have those same feelings. She must. Needless to say, it has opened some thought around both girls.

I wrote her back. I'm taking baby steps , trying to avoid scaring her. My biggest fear is that she can so easily disappear again. I'm not telling my family (other than my mom) that we're speaking. I don't want Mercy to know anything. Yet. She'll be 17 in just a few months. Soon enough, she'll be able to decide for herself.

Hold my hand as I tip toe in.

Yegs rhymes with Eggs!

2008-03-23T09:09:00.014-06:00

I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday. We woke up bright & early to watch Yegs hunt for Easter eggs. Still, where did this tradition really come from? Odd.

Here are some pics from the Big Hunt's this weekend.

Yegs was on the run! No way was he gonna miss out on 12 eggs!

And he got 'em!

My two favorite bunnies.

Searching high & low...

He was terribly excited to find his "money" egg.

This morning we're having our best girls & their family over for an Easter/Birthday celebration! Happy Birthday, J. We love you to death & wish you many, many more years of bliss!

And because it's Easter and you know I'm a Jesus freak, I thought I'd share with you a poem. Imagine me - around 12 or 13 - reciting this in front of a crowd of many... And who am I kidding, I still perform it every year. :)

What came first? The Chicken or the Egg?
What is this day all about?
Hiding eggs for kids to route?

Cakes and cookies shaped like lambs
Pink Chappeaus or Pink Madames?

That's not what this day is all about!
Who got buried then got out?
Leaving no one any doubt.
"He has Risen", hear them shout!

That's what this day is all about.

Ghost From My Past

2008-03-21T15:33:00.008-06:00

This may be a bit long - just warning you. There's a lot of back story...

My family has always been very tight. We typically saw our cousins every weekend when we were little. But my mom's oldest brother & his kids lived in FL - way far away. We didn't know them. The parents eventually divorced and the mother (my uncle's wife) abandoned her children when the oldest (of four) was only about 10 years old. The whole situation was very tragic. My uncle ended up moving them all back here a few years later and my grandparents tried to help raise the kids.

The oldest was a year younger than me. She was trouble. She immediately started running away. They put her in my school so she could be friends with "my" friends. They were good kids - they would surely change her. (dumb) It didn't work. She flocked to the trouble makers. She was a rebel. She finally ran away at sixteen and we didn't hear from her for two years.

In 1991, she called from Florida. She was pregnant and needed help. When she needed help and called home, it meant that she was calling me because I was really the only person who kept trying to find her every time she left. My parents cared too but other than that, I really think people just forgot about her.

So one day she called. We sent her a ticket to come home. She was 19. I was 20.

When she arrived she informed us that she wasn't going to keep the baby. This would be my grandmother's first great-grandchild and it caused quite a stir in our family. She was eventually guilted enough to keep her and even still, I'm grateful every day. Her reasons, however, were very real. She wasn't ready to be mother. Her example had been terrible. I think everyone hoped that would change when her baby was born but it really didn't. She had big issues to heal. Big.

But she had the baby. A beautiful little girl. She moved around a lot and eventually moved in with me when the baby was around 2yo. Still, she would say that she didn't feel a bond. She felt more like she was her little sister. This little girl was so fantastic. I mean, she would literally talk to anyone. She was so completely brilliant that people would constantly ask her to read and write and sing and dance - she was amazing and she was just a toddler.

One day, when she was just barely 4, my cousin called and asked if I would watch her for the weekend.

And she never came back.

After two days, this amazing little person started to tell me that her mother told her good-bye. "She's not coming back. This is where I live." As the days went by it became obvious that she was really gone. I called in a missing person report but she had been known to run for years. And her parents were long ago disinterested. No one cared.

I kept this little girl for the next year. She was the light of my every day. I was very young and in my first relationship. She added a whole new world to our world. We loved every minute of her. I always believed that her mom would come home so I never really let go in a way that you would if you adopted a child. She would ask if she could call me "mommy" and I would tell her that I loved her more than the stars but that she had a mommy who was going to come home one day. I regret it now. If I had known she would really stay gone, I would've done everything differently.

A year or so later, my aunt filed a petition for custody of her. She was married and hadn't been able to have children. As a young person, I didn't have a clue what to do. I was crushed. I had every intention of keeping her until her mom came back. I was also only 1/2 "out" and was certain if anyone (dcfs) knew, they'd take her from me. I didn't fight. And they came and took her away.

I'll never forget it. I'll never forget her little voice telling me she promised to be good if I'd only let her stay.

Luckily for me, she hasn't gone far. She was raised right here by me and I've watched her grow into an amazing sixteen year old. I still wish I had made different decisions. I wish I wouldn't have been so scared back then. But she's had a happy life and she knows she's loved by me and everyone around her.

I spent years looking for her mother/my cousin after she left. I tracked her to Florida then to Arizona. She changed her name and probably lived on the streets for a long time. She can do that. She can survive through anything. I've always stood up for her and said that she made the right decision by leaving Mercy with me. If she hadn't, we would've lost them both. My family obviously holds angry feelings for her but they didn't know her like I did. (way more to that story - another day)

So here were are...it's been 12 years since she left - almost to the day.

My friend was showing me around myspace today. I'm embarrassed to tell you all how un'hip I am but I had no idea I had a page. I log in sometimes to read another friends blog but that's all I knew. So I pull it up and what do you know? I have friends! She starts showing me around a bit and I see that there's a person that I don't know on there. And I delete her.

We dig around further and there it is! A message from my cousin - from little Mercy's mother. Four of them. She left them between November and January. The last one finally says her name and asks if I'm her cousin and says she's looking for her family. But the worst part? I had deleted her. I can't get her back. I sent her a note but now I have to wait and hope she gets it. Can you stand it?

After all these years she reaches out. I kept my land line until 1 year ago just for her. I've paid online searches for her a dozen times. I've written down stories about her so Mercy could one day read & learn about her mom. And there she was - on my myspace page I didn't know I had.

I gasped. I held my breath & kept re-reading her name. It felt like a ghost was talking to me through a dream. 12 years. Many times I have thought she must be dead. Why wouldn't she ever call? How could she not wonder if her daughter was happy & healthy? At the same time, I have dreaded telling her that it wasn't me that raised her.

I'll sit here and refresh my email a hundred times this weekend.

After all the times I searched for her, she found me.

I'm a Swinger

2008-03-19T16:18:00.005-06:00

Still nothing. Like stale air I just sit here and wonder what is happening with my body. I'm still waiting for cd1 and it looks to be nowhere in sight. Maybe I've begun my own personal summer. :) (I've always wanted to put that in writing.) Maybe my body is trying to tell me that it's tired of me filling it with chemicals so it acts according to the script I write. My head is tired too. As is my heart.

Cristy met me at home early yesterday. She called my boss at 2pm and requested he boot me out the door. It was very sweet, actually. She took me to a movie to hold my hand for two hours. She reminded me how special we are and how this is just a small piece of what our lives will hold. She knows I have issues at failing with this. My last relationship took a huge blow with the fact that I couldn't conceive. Not because of her, but me. I held the blame back then. All I could think of were the promises I had made - that I would carry the rest of our children. But I never could. This time, we share it. We share the process as much as we'll share the result. It feels beautiful and safe and reassuring. And it makes me all too excited to get there.

It's crazy to want something so much and not get it. I'm not a spoiled brat or anything but I don't think the average Jane waits this long for anything. I mean, I've been there before but ttc is a whole new ballgame. Typically you can work toward something. Like, you try for months and months - even years - then you should get closer to the goal. I mean, you're trying that whole time. We must be getting better at it, right? Closer to it actually working?

Maybe it's like softball. I played that damn game for 3 years when I was small. I showed up at every practice, swung at the ball and aimed my mitt to catch pop-ups. But I never got better. I was terrible. The poor coach of the Green Machines, my team, finally just asked me to stop swinging. I had better luck to walk. He was right.

ug, that sounds pathetic. Don't worry, I'm not that down on myself. Sometimes I just wonder when it is that I'll move on to another "way". We talk about all of our options and I feel so fortunate that we have so many. But right now, this is the one I choose.

I'm swinging, damnit.

I'm Out

2008-03-18T12:46:00.004-06:00

I broke down & tested. My body still hasn't told me a single thing. I had a tiny bit of spotting yesterday but nothing since. But the glaring single line told me everything I needed to know.

Just wanted to throw it out there so you weren't wasting wishes over here. I'll be focusing mine on those of you still waiting and pleading for yours again in just a little while.

xo.

Holding My Last Breath

2008-03-17T16:10:00.003-06:00

I really am still here. I really am wondering every second of every day if this is finally the cycle that said yes. Every day that goes by gives me tiny bits of hope. At the same time, I've been here before. Not to sound like a Negative Nancy but it's true. I can fool myself like no other. And today, I can feel the signs of af at every turn.

Signs? (wait, I don't believe in signs)
I had very odd cramping on 11dpo. I actually thought I'd start that day.
Sore boobs. But that's normal for me when I'm medicated.
A very large grumpy bone yesterday at ShopKo. But that could be my new no caffeine rule...
See? And here I am, days later and I got nothin'! Sigh.

It's now 15dpo for me. But sometimes I can be tricked until day 17. You'd think I'd break down and take a damn test but something in me likes to keep the possibility as close as I can for as long as I can. Foolish, I know. Cristy threw a test at me every time I came near the bathroom yesterday. I considered it. It was fun teasing her... but considering the possibility of a "negative" made me decline. Am I losing it? Have I just been doing this too long? Tests just aren't my thing! It's like I want everything ruled out first. I'm sure there's no sense in it, really.

This time, this cycle, I had it right. I'm sure of it. Peaked on cd16 at noon. Inseminated at 2pm on cd17. I felt every little egg that dropped from my clomid filled ovaries. I was certain it would catch just one.

Either way, no matter how this one ends (& there will be a certain end Very soon), I'm not quitting. As my dear friend K said, you can't win if you don't play.

My One Night Stand

2008-03-13T21:08:00.006-06:00

I got your attention, right? I'm not talking about that kind of one night stand. Tonight we went to a comic/monologue called My One * Night * Stand With * Cancer, by Tania Katan.

She wrote a book about her experience with breast cancer. Her first bout at age 21. And another at 31. She talks about her life and it's almost like a dance. She's a Jewish, lesbian playwright (probably not in that order) and she's had an incredible life experience. It's amazing. At the end she ripped off her shirt and stood there with bravery draped across her chest - proud that she was still standing before us. I sat there - stunned...knowing I wouldn't be that strong in the same situation.

I'm telling you this because you first must read the book. Although...I feel like a hypocrite for saying that as I haven't yet read it. But I'll have it my sticky hands tomorrow and I'll read it right away. THEN, you must see the show. Just look it up and see what you think. I'm not kidding. It's funny - witty, charming, heart breaking, scary and then funny all over again. I laughed so hard and then I thought, "you know, I really need to have my first mammogram."

My grandma had a double mastectomy. & they didn't get it all. She likes to say the had a triple mastectomy. I remember playing with her silicone filled bra when I was little. My family used to laugh at me when I put it on & ran around the house. I wonder now, what bra was she wearing when I did that?

Anyway, it's something I think about all the time. I think things like, "my mom should be sure to do self breast exams" or "I would die if my mom got cancer". But I never think it could be me. I'm too young. But I'm way older than 21. I'm even older than 31. & I heard that lesbians have a higher chance of breast cancer because so many of us don't have children/breast feed. I'm not sure if that's accurate but it's enough to add another reason to my list of why I really want to have a baby. :)

So do it. Go get the book. And then tell me what you think. I was moved and I kinda think you will be too. And before you do that, go see Turtle & Butterfly and give her some love $$. She's taking the high road later this fall and doing something wonderful for those who came before her and those that are surviving!

btw...11dpo & I'm surviving over here too. :)

Happy Birthday!!

2008-03-13T08:08:00.002-06:00

Today, Cristy turns double 4's! Whew! :)

That sounds crazy because but if you knew her, you'd know that her youth shines through by her rebellion. She still lives like she's in her twenties. (minus the beer & marijuana) She's amazing at everything she does. She's one of those "play on the floor" moms and it's one of my favorite things about her. Yegs gave her a new baseball mitt and she acted like it was a new diamond ring. Well, she acted like I would if I got a new diamond ring.

I love her - BIG!

We had dinner last night with family & friends and tonight we'll spend another evening celebrating her!

I hope your day is beautiful, baby. Every little minute of it.

Happy, happy Birthday!

Not much to see here...

2008-03-12T14:07:00.007-06:00

I'm 10dpo and feeling fine. No symptoms that I can think of - just trying to get through the last few days of not knowing. I really do okay until the last inning or so. No testing until day 14 - ever. & even then, I usually just wait another day or so. But now is about the time I start second guessing every little twinge or pain.

I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I haven't done that in a long time. Looking at the positive test seemed very real. Somehow after the test, I saw the size of my uterus. I sat there, checking it out and imagine how tiny my little baby was in there. It's was like a large roma tomato. I think I even touched it. It's gross just to write it. In my dream I started telling people I was pregnant and even had maternity clothes in my closet. I half woke and actually questioned what was real.

...

I don't believe in signs. Cristy will say that's a lie. She'll say I only believe in bad signs. I spent a long time thinking everything "good" was a sign. Pete's Dragon, Land Before Time, half moons - just to name a few. But now I think of it all like fiction or stories for fairy tales. Signs are what you find when you're looking too hard. I realize this makes me sounds ultra romantic. Kidding. But I like to think that, while I may be a little jaded, I live in real life and know not to expect the unexpected.

At the same time, I don't want any of you to assume that I don't have a mouth full of hope every single minute of the day. Hope is different than assuming or simply just "feeling it". I hope all. day. long. I am dripping with hope.

So...just a few more days and I'll have my answer. And I'll stop this game for another couple of weeks. And I'll drink. Big. (that's about two drinks max for me!) Then I'll start again because that's just how positively ready we ARE!

***

I thought you might all want to see this story. I'm not sure why. I guess I just thought of your jaws dropping just as mine did and it made me smile.

Woman sits on boyfriend's toilet for 2 years Deputies said a woman in western Kansas sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years, and they're investigating whether she was mistreated.

And here's another one you must see. I'm sure you all heard the horrific words from the Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern. This is a snipet from Ellen's Show today. For being so non-political, she sure has found her voice lately... Love it!

Safe & Sound

2008-03-10T17:15:00.015-06:00

We're home. It's been a while since I've been away that long. I'm sure I could've spent another 3 days there but I was missing my bed.

The trip was incredible. We stayed in this very swanky hotel. Ultra modern & very funky. There were pictures of half dressed barbies on the walls and the bed was in a cave. You had to crawl up it to get in.

We spent the first day lobbying our Congressmen & Senators. The best part was just being at our nation's Capitol and seeing all there is to see. We went through the underground tunnels and peeked in Committee hearings. Even though we see it all here locally, it's much different and more exciting in DC.

And if you think you've heard too much Obama/Hillary conversation lately, just go to DC and see it on every window, hear it in every coffee shop and read it in every journal. Politics are beaming 24/7. & I couldn't tell if one of them had any lead on the Hill. I think it's probably 50/50 and we'll be blessed either way.

We went to an H*R*C hosted luncheon and Senator Kennedy spoke. He's 76 years old and to hear him speak, you'd think he was still in his forties. Brilliant. & motivating. H*R*C has a beautiful building. They ran a capitol campaign about five years ago and it's really incredible to look at the skyline of DC and know there is a Big, Gay skyscraper among them.

This is Elizabeth Birch who happens to be my most favorite:

This is their Election Campaign for 2008. I'm sure they'll bother all of you with all the details:

We spent yesterday looking at all the sites. Cristy had never been. It was great seeing her "see" it all. She teared up at the Lincoln Memorial - I knew she would. & we walked the Mall and saw all the different war memorials. We didn't make it to Arlington but we'll probably be back there in October.

This is the amazing Washington Monument. Construction began in 1848 but wasn't completed until 1884. Old news. If we could just get our home to last as long...

And this, of course, is Abe's place. It much more beautiful at night but we didn't have the opportunity to stay down there. It was built in 1922. I think it's haunted.

And a few random from the WWII memorial. My grandfather fought in that war & this was my first time back since they built & introduced it. I'm sure it's much more stunning when the fountains are on...I wasn't so impressed so I'll just show you my grandpa's part and my favorite quote.

Because I'm still in my tww, there wasn't a lot of "wild & crazy" but we had a great time. It was a great way to end the session and it reminded me of how much history Utah doesn't have.

On to the Big House!

2008-03-04T17:41:00.002-07:00

Law and justice are not always the same. When they aren't, destroying the law may be the first step toward changing it.
-Gloria Steinem

We leave tomorrow morning for DC. It's a work trip but I'm certain we'll visit all the tourist sites while we're there. ie. The war memorials, The cemetery, Abe. It's more history than we can possibly relive in 4 days but we'll try.

Cristy has never been. & the last time I was there I was with someone else at the end of our relationship. If there is ever a reason to re-do a trip, that is it! So we'll go and we'll lobby our Federal government for all the is right and just. And then we'll come back here and relax because tomorrow - TOMORROW - is the Last Day of our Legislative Session!! Wha-hoo!!

My terribly sweet co-worker brought me a bag 'o goodies to celebrate the end of our 40 day nightmare. In it included a ribbon that says, "I Made It!", a stress ball, Tylenol, a cold pack, etc. It was such a nice "end to my session" since I actually left today. :) Thanks, L.

And on to my tww...

We did our insem on Monday. Sorry I'm just now getting around to posting about it. We used the last of our donor up there so if it doesn't work, we'll be on to a new (& improved) gentle man with Hispanic heritage, 6' tall, dark brown eyes - know anyone? kidding. So we're in the big wait and I'm doing fine. We had perfect timing and after the round of clomid, I'm certain I felt every egg drop. We'll see if the rest of me cooperated.

I hope you're all having a beautiful week. I'm looking forward to getting outa town again and being farther than just a drive away. I'm not, however, looking forward to the plane ride. I swear I've seen more crashes or almost crashes with planes than I've cared to see the last few days. Anyway, enough of that.

I'll brag a little while I'm gone, I'm sure. If not, know that it's because I'm changing the world.

Again, kidding.
xo.

Winter Feet

2008-03-02T18:08:00.013-07:00

I'm back home from my trip and it was everything I wanted it to be. Plenty of degrees, short sleeves and painted toe nails. To prove it, I took a picture of one finished product. Believe me, these toes are night and day compared to the "winter wear" I had on Friday. :) And feel free to comment on how long and finger'ish they are. Believe me, I know.

As I stared at this picture, I remembered another that was similar.

About two years ago, Gracie and I sat at the pool, comparing toes. She always said that her hands look like mine because 'I caught her when she came out'. But I tried to convince her that our toes were the same too. Even she, at five, knew better. No way would she admit to having same/same toes. :) Man, what I wouldn't give to kiss on those toes today.

My trip was based around organizing another community to bring great change to their electoral strategy this fall. We met with a group that has begun to mobilize and it definitely re-energized me as I head to DC this week. It always amazes me when twenty people build on to something large enough to make a difference. Very cool. & hopefully they'll need me again because I would make that trip any time. Just beautiful.

St George is this little town nestled inside red rock. When the sun starts to set, the mountains glow with such a fire. I'm certain it was painted by a blind person before it was created. It's that kind of 'perfect'.

While I was down there, I looked for her. Not because I know she's there but because, I thought for a minute, that I'd feel her if she was. I got in my car and drove around until I got lost. I kept doing a little "check-in" in hopes of simply following my heart. I drove until it was dark and finally found the place I looked for. - a beautiful adobe home, right along a mountain side. And the only thought I had was that it made me happy to know she'll visit there. The landscape is stunning. There's an ice-cream store just down the road. She'd love the pond and the red dirt.

I spent time missing her but also cherishing memories of her. & I found this next picture too. I thought it was appropriate for this post. In her scrapbook it's titled:

"These Feet Will Follow You Anywhere"

And they will baby. Every step.

And I'm Free In You

2008-02-29T10:40:00.002-07:00

Got no worries in my mind
I know what to do
That's to treat you right
And love you kind
Thank you ever on my mind
Love is just like breathing
When it's true

We're packed & ready to head out for a quick trip to beautiful Southern Utah. It will be 70 degrees when we get there and I have on my coziest capries in honor of all those degrees!

All 70 of them!

I'll have hours and hours in the car with my best girl. I'll have my hand on her knee and my feet will be tapping out the window to all the music I've planned. I'll paint my toes so the truckers won't be horrified by the "winter" toes I have right now.

& if a certain someone reads this and has fear that I'm coming to look for her, I am. But I won't be a bother. I'm just looking for a little peace in my heart and this trip will certainly make me feel closer to what feels the farthest away.

I don't know where it all begins
And I don't know where it all will end
Better off for - all that we let in.

I wish you all a sunny weekend. & I suppose those of you on the East Coast will have to hit a tanning salon for that kind of thing. But I'll be thinking of you and sharing red rock when I get home.

Hey, Jude! I've been Tagged!

2008-02-27T20:06:00.005-07:00

Maybe you've all seen this by now but I just got this from a friend last week. I mimic it all the time & can't get it outa my head. Just watch.

I love this child. And he makes me think of the wild and crazy girl I'll have one day - except she'll be head to toe in tie-die and then add dreadlocks when she's sixteen. I laugh at her already.

Super cute, huh? & you can't stop watching it or passing it around. I know...

So I was tagged by Mrs Bluemont for a fun little game.

Rules:
1. Grab the nearest book of 123 pages or more.
2. Open it to page 123.
3. Find the first 5 sentences and write them down.
4. Then invite 5 friends to do the same.

I was given "The Nanny Diaries" by a friend & have started it about six times. I do like it very much. But she has such a unique, catty way of writing that I make myself start over each time I pick it up. I'll finish it E, I promise. & I've promised myself that I'll finish before I go out and rent the movie. :)

Anyway, page 123...

"Dad, you really should come out - it's not so bad. That writer guy is here, the one from China. And he's not even wearing a tie - you could hang out with him."
He takes off his glasses. "I'd rather spend time with my daughter.

I tag... Baby Mama Drama, Turtle & Butterfly, Our Life, Raz-ma-taz & Jbeeky.

3/4 Sleeves

2008-02-25T13:51:00.004-07:00

It's raining. That means that spring is coming. In honor of the "coming" part, I'm wearing a pink shirt without long sleeves! Wha-hoo! I just love the time of year when people start showing skin!

Speaking of showing skin, how 'bout that LWord last night? I mean, there wasn't much skin but still - what a great episode. I'm always about 2 minutes away from 'never watching it again' but last night seemed to redeem it for me. I heart Tasha & Alice so I'm certain it's my favorite episode so far this year. I don't want to give too much away but I will say that it ends with many overdue kisses!

We had a great weekend. I was heavily considering a sick day today to extend it but I figured I'd had enough rest. Or maybe I was worried my medication would kick back in and I'd be a raging lunatic like I was Sunday morning. I don't think C would be able to so easily tell Anyone that she hasn't noticed my meds yet. Nope. I put an end to all that "she hasn't changed at all" conversation.

Before the rage of Sunday, we had a wonderful gathering with so many of YOU! One of the Utah bloggers hosted a lovely little gig to welcome Holly. It was so great to meet her in person and also see so many others that we rarely see. There were truckloads of babies - like a mormon reception center - but these ones were well dressed and & stinckin' cute! (that's the clomid talking) I figure if I needed to rub elbows with some fertile women, I was in the right place. SO, thanks to these girls for hosting. I loved every minute of it. Yeager too!

As for the Oscars...I don't have much to add. My favorite part was having Freeheld win the short documentary. It's beautiful and if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. I also loved John Stewart and didn't love Cameron Diaz. Why was she there? Anyway, unfortunately I haven't seen very many of the movies. I ended up just voting for the best dress. & even then, there weren't that many that were worth wishing for...

Hopefully you're all having a great Monday. We're about a week away from our insem so wish C luck over the next few days. How long will I feel crazy? I think I'm actually feeling a bit more normal today...or is that my manic mind doing tricks on me. :)

Day Four...

2008-02-21T10:15:00.003-07:00

Okay, I'm thinking this Clomid is kicking my ass. This cry baby that has taken me over is just not me! I mean, I'm usually the first to cry at a commercial or episode of Little House but I can typically control myself until the room is clear. Let me think....it hit yesterday around 2pm. I think I've had tears behind my eyeballs and that hard swallow in my throat since then.

I had a work function last night and when I walked in, a co-worker asked me to come sit down by him. You'd think I could've just sat down like a normal person but I thought I'd throw in a little bonus for him and cry my eyes out. Why, you ask? No real reason. Everything just hits a little harder when I'm medicated. This med seems to bring out the worst reaction. My dosage is only 100 so it could actually be worse! Oh God, please bring courage to those that surround me...

So far Cristy has deemed me a Saint(ress). She never admits when I'm "too much". Maybe she'd tell some of you but she'll lie to me until I demanded differently. I guess that makes her the Saint! :)

Getting home last night, I decided to check in here & also visit some of you. I found you all responding to my last post and noticed that, once again, we had an intruder. I won't talk much about it but I will say that any of you who come here to complain or listen to me complain about ttc or any old thing, are welcome. The comments that were left were deleted and not just because they hurt me but because I don't want any of us to have to read words that make the battle feel like it's our fault. I could ask this woman to go away but we all know that will just egg her on. Anyway, thanks to b & googie for putting up your dukes! I love you both to bits!

My dukes are up too. Beware. This girl is medicated.

Am I Still Ticking?

2008-02-19T12:49:00.003-07:00

It's Tuesday. I need a vacation. Or a nap.

The last week has filled me with a rush of emotions. The rally was amazing and exhausting. By Valentine's, I was a big puddle of mush. Cristy made me a fabulous crab dinner and I think I was snoring by 8:30. I tried to make it up to her the next night but honestly, I spent the whole weekend T.I.R.E.D.

I appreciate all the love around the anniversary of Gracie's ruling. It still seems strange that that much time has gone by. And I do take pride in the fact that I'm still breathing and fighting and waiting. Getting through that day felt healing.

I realized with all the hustle of last week, I never updated you all on our baby making process. As you may have guessed, it wasn't successful. Truth be told, I was so completely busy that I barely thought of it. Seriously. I didn't test and Cristy actually had to remind me of my dpo. I knew I had missed my window. I never felt confident but I would've been more mad at myself if we didn't at least try.

So. Another try has begun. I started Clomid yesterday and I'm bound & determined to get the timing right. If it doesn't work, we are ready for another round of IVF. It feels good to have a plan - to know what's next.

So far, the meds have been good to me. Many years ago I spent too much time on them with too high a dosage. I was a mess. But my second day has not lead to any deaths or lost friends. That's all I can hope for, right?

Really, I'm praying hard for this time. Really hard. In fact, I could use a few of yours too.

One Year Ago

2008-02-16T12:18:00.003-07:00

One year ago I hadn't slept in two days.
One year ago, the ruling came.
Not the one I had hoped for, but the one that I had feared for 3 1/2 years.

One year ago this very day.

I'll never forget a thousand things from that morning...
The look on my attorney's face when she held the answer that would change my life.
The disbelief in Cristy's voice after having such certainty justice would prevail.
The pounding of my heart when I knew in an instant that the last time was really the last time.

I thought of her, knowing she had no idea what just happened to us. What would she be told? Where did I go? How will she know that I love her if I'm not there to tell her and show her? Why didn't I prepare her? Why did I promise her I would be back?

I remember asking a friend if I was still a mother. How could I be a mother if they took away my only child? I ached just breathing. I cried so hard my ears bled. I cried harder that day than I ever have. I remember just knowing that I couldn't live through it. That, at some point, I would simply stop breathing.

***

Last night, I sat across a table from Cristy. We were holding hands and I realized that today would mark that awful day. And I'm still breathing. Sometimes barely. Last Saturday was the worst day I've had in a while but those days come less often than they used to. I still miss her with every breath but to channel it somewhere where I can still fight for her has been a blessing.

I still think about the time we had together - singing, shopping, hugging, laughing, twirling. The last time I saw her, her hair was cut in a dutch-boy style. She was five year, two months and twenty days old. She loved velvet and barbies and tippies and Mr Tumnus.

I remember everything. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll start forgetting things like her smell and her hands and her pressed kisses. The toenail polish she left so messily on my feet has worn off, as have the fingerprints I tried to save for so long. But I have so many more things that are priceless and endless.

I miss you still baby girl. So very much. But I'm still breathing and hoping and fighting. And every night when I close my eyes, I enter your room and tuck you in. I fill you up with encouraging words and lullabye's. I will always be right here. & I will always be your mommy.

When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away

Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by

And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
...there you are to show me.

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T14:48:00.005-07:00

Cristy,

Happy Valentine's Day.

I want you and the world to know how lucky I feel every moment that you choose me. & I want to remind you of all the reasons I choose you back.

You are the most loving, caring, sincere person I have ever known. You teach me lessons every day on how to be better and patient and couragous. I feel incredibly blessed to have you not only by my side but on my side.

I think of us - way back - and remember the time you waited for me. For a year, you stood behind me without saying a word. You let me grow and heal and heal some more. You stood quiet while my world ran crazy. You silently held me and most days I didn't even know it. Looking back, I would've fallen without your arms to hold me. I'm certain of that.

I am so incredibly grateful that you believed in us even before I did. I am so grateful that you waited for me to see what you saw. I thank God that we were guided together and I have every confidence that we will be blessed with this kind of love all the days of our lives.

You are my Easy Silence, baby.
I love you my whole life.

Keri

When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind

Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving
Burning fumes of gasoline
And everyone is running
And I come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay

Monkeys on the barricades
Are warning us to back away
They form commissions trying to find
The next one they can crucify
And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay

Children lose their youth too soon
Watching war made us immune
And I've got all the world to lose
But I just want to hold on to the
Easy silence that you make for me

Damn the Snow Gods!

2008-02-13T20:42:00.020-07:00

...but they didn't keep us ALL home!

I couldn't wait another second to talk about tonight's rally. I know there are so many Utah bloggers and I'm not sure why that is or how you all happen to know each other but I must take a second to tell you all how proud I am to have found you & your families. Standing before you tonight was almost more than my heart could take. The weather was seriously awful. But you came from Park City, Tooele and the point of the mountain. & because of you, I am re-energized. Our bill sponsor is re-energized. Our family community is ready to fight until we've won!

I couldn't wait to post some pictures of our rally tonight. Plus, our sweet Yeager's speech at the rally. I'm telling you, he stole the show. :)

I'm sorry about how dark it is but you can hear his sweet voice.

btw, if any of my readers happen to see their faces or those of their loved ones and want them removed - just say the word. These are without permission from a single one of you.

Cute Yeager who can't stop talking about fighting for his rights!

Look at this sweet boy!

Update from past post...

2008-02-12T21:05:00.001-07:00

Okay so, that same awful man that scowled at my beautiful Cristy had a bit of a blunder on the Senate floor today...

They were discussing equalizing school capitol when another Senator said something like, "this bill is an ugly baby"... and our awful Senator stood up and said, "yeah, this baby is BLACK. It's a dark, ugly thing."

Now I imagine you're sitting there stunned like I was when I first got the email. I didn't quote it until I saw it in the paper - just to make sure it actually happened in MY Capitol - the PEOPLE'S HOUSE! Can you stand it? Unbelievable!

He was hauled off to a private office and made to come back in to apologize. It seems his excuse was that 'his mouth got ahead of his brain'.

No kidding.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words - Update

2008-02-12T15:09:00.001-07:00

Anybody who has ever doubted whether a picture is worth a thousand words MUST consider the picture below.

This is my partner, testifying on what having a Domestic Partnership Registry would mean to her. She is talented and kind. She's happy and healthy. She's caring and giving. & he looks at her like she's garbage. When I first saw this picture this morning, it brought out the mama bear in me and I was ready to kick some ass for my family. I had big tears in my eyes just seeing how someone would dare look at her. But then I stepped back and realized he was looking at all of us that way - all of us who think differently than him. You, me, Cristy and every ally who believes that we should all stand equal.

If you don't live in my State, you have no idea who this man is. If you live here and you don't know who he is, you need to. And you need to know all of his friends too. In fact, one of his friends that came yesterday and spoke right before Cristy was Cheryl's awful attorney. She once told me he was the most "godly man" she knew. It makes me sick to even repeat that. He is such a terrible example of a Christian man - I can't even go there.

Anyway, yesterday was the first day I've seen him since my last hearing a year ago. Seeing him was hard enough but hearing his voice was just disturbing. They actually brought up my ruling as reason to deny the Domestic Partnership Ordinance. What is that? At least they made that argument look as stupid as it is...

Yegs came with us and I made sure we were conversing every time they said things like "lgbt parents don't care for their children as well as hetero's..." and "children are better off with a mom & a dad.." He knows better but those are still words I don't want him hearing. He was so proud of his mom when she was speaking. I loved watching his face. Sometimes he looks just like her.

Here's a link to one of the articles.

http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_8237567?source=rv

This is a comment that was left under the article. I though it was perfect enough to copy here...

***

Please, look closely at the photo of Sen. Butt*rs looking at Cristy Gl**ve while she is speaking. That face of hate says it all.

I imagine Hitler looking at the people he sent to the gas chamber with that expression. Stalin probably wore that expression often. Saddam probably looked about like that as he gassed thousands of his own citizens.

Hate, Mr. Buttars, will eat you alive. It will make you look like that. Your eyes are the windows to your soul and your face reflects your true self. Do you suppose Jesus EVER looked like that? Do you think Gordon B. Hinckley ever wore that expression?

If your motivation was pure, if you really wanted what is best for all residents of Utah... You wouldn't need to look like that Mr. Buttars.

Your motivation is hate... and I'm shocked that a bill such as the one you are sponsoring wasn't laughed off the hill like all hate-motivated actions should be.

Amen.

Weekend Wrap Up

2008-02-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

We watched a movie yesterday. The Brave One. Have you seen it? I had actually seen it once before when I somehow convinced some friends to take me out while Cristy was on a work trip. I thought it would motivating. I thought I would grow muscles and not be afraid to go home alone. Instead I had nightmares. It's really awful. Twice.

The worst part is that Jodie Fost*r has a sex scene with a boy. I'm not against sex scenes with boys but you can't really be more gay than Jodie. I mean, it was gross. The boy was Saeed from Lost and that made it weird too because he's such a tough guy in that show. And she's such a tough guy, in general. It just wasn't right.

And almost worse was the violence. I thought Yeager was going to pee his pants in the first 10 minutes. Oh wait, that was ME. Because I would never Ever allow Yeager to watch a rated R movie - let alone one that has beatings and shootings and just way too many reasons to ever live in a big city. It was just me & Cristy and my face was burried for about 1/2 the show. There won't be a third time.

Then, last night we had a big, fat cousin sleepover. We rented The Last Mimzy. You must see this movie if you have a child at home that will give you the excuse to rent it. The little girl is reason enough to see it at least twice. She crinkles her nose when she's mad and pierces her lips with such a pout. Ah, I love pouty lips on little girls. & there's a bunny with the cutest belly button you've ever seen. Need I say more? I don't know what it was about really but it was heaven compared to the Jodie sex scene and the kids were cute.

And then tonight we met Cristy's family for dinner. Part of them brought their 8 month old little boy and I swear he bragged the whole time about how cute he was and how soft he was and how he made their lives complete. The whole dinner was all about him, him, him. The ego on that kid weighed about 17 1/2 pounds. And I'm obviously just being nasty because he is actually really cute and soft and wonderful - and I want one just like him. He was born just as my IVF failed and I sat & thought that if it would have worked, I would almost be ready to give birth. Weird. Time even flies when you're holding your breath.

We're crashing early tonight. My amazing better half is speaking at a committee hearing tomorrow morning at 8am. Yegs is coming too and if any one of those awful people even wince at him, I'll kick 'em in the shin. Because that's about how tired I am. & how terrible they are. Give us some love about saving our Domestic P Registry. We'll need it.

Happy early Monday everyone.

Fair Adoption Laws Now!

2008-02-08T11:16:00.000-07:00

I realize you can't see every single child in this picture. But this is a copy of a banner we've made to fight the awful laws in this state. This banner is 6'x12' and has 400 children on it. - 400 children from right here - where I live. Amazing.

We found out recently that over 1226 children were unprotected legally by one of their parents as of 2005. Most of these children weren't even born yet. My guess is that there are probably close to 1500 now. Maybe more. Either way, the banner is insanely beautiful and I can't wait to see it at our rally next Wednesday.

***

If your children are somewhere in there, thank you thank you - from the bottom of my heart. I will work til I die, for every one of them, to change this law.

A Whirl Wind!

2008-02-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

These past few days have been crazy for us! Aside from the Primary, there have been meetings and work events and now even More snow! I think we're like 200% of normal in the water range and while I'm grateful for enough water, ENOUGH all READY! Sheesh!

Something interesting...yesterday I was back in the Utah Supreme Courtroom. I even sat by my lawyer, just like old times. But this time I was there supporting one of our best girls. I worried that I would be messy - like my eyes would tear up when the elevator doors opened and I'd be sick to my stomach when I saw the Justices. Instead, I feel strong and partially healed, knowing I sat before them and still appreciate what they do!

I watched all of them during the arguments and it felt good to know that even though they got it so wrong by Gracie, they would get it right this time. They were smart and even funny at times. And our best girl was brave and resilient and the day felt successful - like she accomplished something bigger than most ever will.

Did you know that less than 1% of all people actually sit in a courtroom because of their own case? How weird is it that the two of us - two people who sit in the same kitchen over dinner once a week, ended up with a Supreme Court case? I think it's rather odd.

Anyway...So how 'bout that Primary? M'Cain & Clinton! Who knew? Well, I suppose she isn't quite there yet but what a great race! & finally, Romn*y will fade away. He actually ran away with 85% of our Republican vote. Insane. We're obviously off track from the rest of the country - off on so many tracks...

And just so all you know, last night our City Council passed a Domestic Partn*r Registry by a 7 - ZERO vote! How great is that? Incase that doesn't sound like big news, let me remind you that Romn*y won with 85% here. :) It really is very exciting and my heart was full and fat with love listening to all those "yes" answers. Beautiful. Maybe I'll ask Cristy if she'll be my Domestic Partner. I'm so romantic.

I'm ready for March. Or April. ...when we can ride our scooters to get an iced-tea at 8 o'clock at night. And we can plant some flowers and fill the bird feeders and I can wear skirts with no tights. I want the windows open when I clean my house. And I want my dog to smell like perfume after her bath, instead of just wet dog.

Plus, I want to be pregnant.

Seven years ago today Gracie was conceived. It's strange to think about but I set this day aside to remind myself of such a miracle. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I were pregnant now? & I could have a baby somewhere around her birthday? (but she was super early and I don't hope for that) Either way, I'm thinking of her today and knowing that her other mom is celebrating her right this very minute.

Super Duper Tuesday!

2008-02-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

I voted early. My little voice has given it's weight to my worthy candidate.

Last Friday I tip toed into the county complex and I swear that I wasn't certain of my vote until the exact moment I pushed the button. I had plus' and minus' about both of my choices but the one thing I'm certain of, and grateful for beyond words, is that I had such a hard choice before me.

Incase any of you are in that same predicament, I thought I'd share this song with you. Before you click, I should tell you that it's in favor of Obama. That's not why I'm sending it out though. I just love it and you will too. & I'm not telling you to vote for him or that you shouldn't. But I absolutely love watching this video and being reminded that we're just inches away from real change. Whether you're voting for Hillary or Obama, you're casting a vote that gives my soul a little breathing room. Doesn't that feel wonderful?

Here I am, assuming that none of my readers could possibly be voting for the "other" party. If you are, I hope it's because you have a secret plan than makes Romney somehow lose by miles. Or if you are, I hope it's because you just come here to spy and you're not really a good American. :) I love saying that... Or if you are, I hope that song changes your mind and you don't waste a vote on someone who doesn't love you as much as I do. snicker, snicker. :)

So those of you who get to cast your vote tomorrow, be comforted that you really can't do anything too tragic. In fact, the only thing tragic you could do is stay home.

Post Insem

2008-02-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

We decided that since we can't do another round of IVF for a couple of months, we would go back to doing regular insems to pass the time. That doesn't make me sound very hopeful but it does seem strange to go from IVF to something so simple. It's like going from an ipod to a tape recorder. But sometimes those tape recorders work really well! :)

So I surged Thursday morning. It's been a while since I've had to pee on a stick. I saw the dark line but it didn't seem dark enough. When I got home that night, I knew I should've tested. I sat around, watching Lost and eating pistachios - all the while my little egg was making it's way down the hill. I tested again Friday morning and it was gone. Is that normal? I mean, it wasn't totally gone but it was pretty 'gone'.

I spent the whole next day upset. I cried all the way up to the Capitol. I'm just so disappointed that I didn't pay good enough attention. It's a whole month. - an entire month that we could be closer to getting it right. But we did it anyway. Friday night, after work. I'm certain I was a day late but I'm still happy we went through with it.

And now we wait.

I am committed to this tape recorder for at least another month. I want to get it right, even if it's just one, good month. After that, we plan to do another IVF and just hope for no OHSS. Ugh.

But this morning, right before I woke up, I had a dream about college. My friend J and I were sitting through a lecture and I was saying to her that 'if I failed, I would switch classes'. And 'if that didn't work, I would change schools'. She told me that if I had enough faith, I wouldn't be making a back-up plan. And when I started waking up, I could still hear her saying that.

If I had faith, I would stop making back-up plans.

Shake it Off

2008-02-01T17:03:00.000-07:00

This was my theme for the day - to shake off the muck that smothered me yesterday and fill up with the hope that bathed over me today.

If you haven't yet read chicory, you should. From a person who isn't already a bit jaded by the "justice" of this State, it's worded perfectly.

She, along with her beautiful family, joined me and many other parents at the Capitol today. We arrived with about six other families and by the time we left, we had secured enough nods to get our bill moved to a committee. Big news! Exceptionally big! & I felt so incredibly proud to be surrounded by these mothers who were there simply to ask that their children be treated the same as their legislators children.

At one point, I was standing aside and watching a mother, holding her son, with tears runnning down her face. And I thought, "how can he look at her and say no?" And he didn't. It was real lobbying at work. It was a citizen asking a Public Servant to look a little closer and listen a little longer. It worked.

I'm home now. My breathing is less heavy. My head is less full. I'm getting ready for an insem that I thought would not take place due to my level of stress. But it's happening. And maybe, just maybe I'll create a child while my heart is full of hope and pride and love for all those mother's that came today and created another step forward.

Congratulations, ladies. Your children will be proud.

"Lost"

2008-01-31T19:02:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else still watch this show? Finally, tonight, it's back. Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurlie...

I've watched it since it's first episode. It's about a group of people who crashed in a plane. And when they crashed, they found faith. All of their lives had been mishaped. They had trials that weren't be handled in a healthy way. One girl was pregnant and alone. Another was paralized and wanting to die. They crash on this island that has slowly, over three seasons, given them faith in one thing - the mirror of themselves.

Today was a hard day. I feel as if we've been thrown under a bus - I feel it for my friends and their friends. We were part of a group that had been lumped together to gain a little ground and stand a little stronger. There were three parts to our group. & let's just say, the other two left my part behind. The worst part? I get it.

As I spent all that time fighting for Gracie, I never wondered how bad I might make it for a mother behind me. Of course, people would tell me so I knew the possibility but it didn't matter. I was fighting on behalf of my daughter. If I could save her, I could work on the rest of them later. But that's what parents do. There was nothing that could have convinced me not to fight for her incase of creating bad law. I was fighting for her, not my people.

So now, that's what these people are doing. We hoped that a Bill that protected us all would pass through with flying colors. Instead, they cut us out to guarantee passage. (kinda like HRC did with ENDA...) Now, children of step-parents and grandchild of grandparents will never lose those relationships because there will be a law to protect them. But our children won't be included. Everyone's children but ours.

I found myself the "mirror of myself" today. Lost. I felt like karma had come to kick my ass. I was willing to sacrifice others to protect my daughter. The other parts of my army did the same thing today. They did and they should have. I can't blame them. Hundreds of children will be safe from the very thing Gracie wasn't. I'm grateful for that.

This bill has nothing at all to do with our adoption bill and we are still going full steam ahead with that. If it passes, the other won't matter. If it doesn't, we have to work that much harder next year. Wish us luck - lots of it.

Happy Birthday, Randy!

2008-01-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Leah, from Ohio, asked if I would mind posting a birthday note to her son, Randy. She is a mom, just like me, waiting for her child.

Leah, on this day, I pray that the wonderful memories are louder than the pain you feel from missing him. I love you. I am blessed to know you. And I'll be right here all day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RANDY!

I recall sitting beside your bed during thunderstorms, we played in sandboxes, slid down slides together, I worried through your fevers, we battled monsters in closets, you helped me mend your broken toys and you kissed my boo boos like I kissed yours. I have laughed louder, smiled broader and loved more profoundly because of you.

Happy 4th Birthday Randy.
I Love You Son,
Leah

President Hinckley 1910-2008

2008-01-28T17:36:00.000-07:00

You had to know I would blog about this.

Last night, I was quietly watching Extr*me Home Mak*over when the news chimed in to tell me that "the prophet of the Morm*n church died at 7pm." I realized that at 7pm, I was sitting in the very room he was born. Maybe he even stopped by on his way...up.

Now I'm not a Morm*n but I definitely have respect for any man that serves human kind the way he did. Plus, I believe he was married to his wife for 67 years and nothing impresses me more than that. She died a few years back and that was the first thing I thought of when I heard the news of his passing - that he would join her.

If you've been reading here a while, you know that I live in the home where he was born. Our house was born in 1896. He was born 14 years later. And I found out earlier today that his wife was born in the home across the street. Crazy!

We've had news media hanging around here all afternoon. One report showed a reporter asking a neighbor how long our home had been purple. - longer than we've been here, I assure you. He came through our house a few years ago and they recorded him walking from room to room telling stories.

Yeager thinks it's kind of cool that he lived here. He cheered extra loud at a parade last summer. I think there are other's in Cristy's family who think of us living here as sinful. It's kind of strange that it went from Mormon to Jewish to So Very Gay. Full circle, right? Kidding.

So, 97 years later, he left his religion about a zillion people bigger than before he started. And while we haven't benefited from the religion, at least we got the house, right? God bless Pres Hinckley & God bless the Hinckley Plantation.

I think I want a copy of that video. You know, just to have.

Weekend In Paradise

2008-01-27T18:03:00.000-07:00

...and pictures to prove it. :)

We left the madness of the city for a couple of quiet days in the moutains. My brother and his kids joined us and we all met up at our family cabin for some R&R and spoiling from grandma and grandpa.

This is our new family toy.

Here are some pictures of us all sledding down the driveway.

Cute Yeager. Could he really be happier?

And here are some pictures of everyone sledding ALL the way down the mountain. We followed them on the Ranger and Snow Mobile to make sure cars weren't coming. They literally rode their sleighs 35 minutes - one solid ride. Amazing.

My brother on the luge run.

Little seven year old, Salomon. He's a dare devil.

The whole gang ending at the bottom of the road. The sun went down on our second trip. Very chilly.

This is the lake that is now covered in 8 inches of ice. There were people fishing on it all day. Not me - not in that wind.

This is the view up the hill. No one ever visits that little cabin. What a waste.

And here are some random pictures of us.

And this is all of us but Cristy, the photographer.

It's a compliment, right?

2008-01-24T20:44:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite co-workers (& there are many) said something interesting to me tonight. We threw a rally at the Capitol to support Workplace Fairness. I had sent him a text to tell him he was magic (because he really is) and when he called me to say thank you, he also said, "you are a dream with the life history of a nightmare". I was kind of stunned because it was such a thoughtful, genuine thing to say but also because he acknowledged a part of my life that keeps me motivated on nights like tonight.

I came home after the rally with thoughts of the rally we're about the throw on behalf of the adoption bill. Truth be told, that is where my passion is. This isn't a secret. Protecting children from what happened to mine is almost haunting for me. I think I have selfishly taken it on - knowing it makes me feel like I'm still fighting for her.

Some days, like yesterday, are so hard that it doesn't feel possible to really do enough. (btw, thank you for all of your thoughts) And then there are days like today when I watch my community stand up for their families through radio interviews, op-eds and rallies. It's inspiring and it feels like they want it as much as I do. Maybe the reason is different. Maybe my reason is so I can tell her I kept fighting until we won. But we're still in the same game and on the same side. And although my history has proved to be a "nightmare", on this night I receive a call to say that our largest paper has taken support of our bill. - acknowledging the nightmare of my past and the dream of my future.

***

Outdated law: Utah should allow same-sex couples to adopt

Utah's law banning adoptions by gay and lesbian couples and unmarried straight couples was a deplorable codification of bigotry in 2000 when it was passed. That hasn't changed.

But after eight years the law has become an illogical anachronism, considering the results of new studies, and it should be changed. The number of same-sex couples who are raising children increased by a third from 2000 to 2005, and the body of research showing that children raised by homosexual couples have no more problems than those from homes with a mother and a father has also grown.

Rep. Rebecca Chavez-Houck, D-Salt Lake City, is carrying the banner for equality during the current session of the Legislature in the form of House Bill 318, which would lift the adoption restrictions, while stating that the Legislature prefers that a child be adopted by a parent or parents who are legally married.

Winning passage for the bill will be an uphill struggle against conservative forces, but it is a battle worth fighting, for the sake of children who need permanent homes with people who are their legal parents.

The Williams Institute based at the University of California Los Angeles estimates there are 53,832 gay, lesbian or bisexual Utah residents. Among them, there were 4,307 same-sex couples, up nearly 1,000 from 2000.

Nineteen percent of those couples are parents, raising a total of about 1,226 children. They may be the biological offspring of one spouse. Robbing the other parent of the ability to legally adopt the child leaves that parent on shaky legal ground when it comes to daily parenting duties - doctor visits, talking with teachers, signing documents - and in the event the couple were to split up.

In other cases, these couples simply want to give a good home to children, sometimes needy children who have been in foster care.

Growing up with two lesbian mothers or two gay fathers may require some explanation, but evidence shows such children are at no more risk than those from traditional homes. The American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics have all stated their support for same-sex couples adopting.

Only two other states - Florida and Mississippi - block homosexual couples from adopting. It's time Utah joined the majority that allow it.

***

Amen.

The Hands that Held Her

2008-01-23T16:29:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment today. You know, that awful 'once a year' appointment you have with your OBGYN. I dreaded it on many levels but the biggest was that I haven't seen her in a very long time.

The last time I saw her she was sitting in a courtroom testifying on behalf of me & Gracie. It was 2004. She was testifying to the fact that "yes, they did have the child together" and "yes, Keri was there when Gracie was conceived and at every pre-natal appointment and at her birth and so on".

It was humiliating for me to ask all these people to "vouch for me" for something that was so intricate in my every day life. But my ex had told the court that I was nothing more than a roommate. -that she boarded a room in my house and that sometimes I would "babysit". The reality of it was more than I would wish on anyone. Each person who spoke for me, including our doctor and Gray's pediatrician, made an impact in my ruling which resulted in the next 2 years I was able to spend with my daughter.

But back to today.

I walked in and the nurse took me back to the room to get all naked and nervous. I realized immediately that I was in the same room that Gracie was conceived. Up came the tears. I remember every moment - every moment. It was the third try - and it was a charm!

I sat and waited for about 5 minutes. I saw her when I walked in so she knew I was there. I wondered if she was uncomfortable. I mean, it has been four years! I had her refer me to a specialist the year after my hearings so I literally have never talked to her since that day in court.

She came in and knew I was nervous. She immediately sat by me and held my hands. My first thought was that 'those were the hands that first held my daughter'. She held her as she entered this world and then she turned to me and lay her in my hands - like a gift. Those hands that held mine today...those hands... I broke down and started crying.

She said she had kept up on my battle through the media and through common patients. She knew how it ended and I didn't have to explain anything. I couldn't if I tried.

It's amazing how long it's been and how much it still hurts. When I think of her and how close she once felt to me, I crave knowing what she would feel like today. - what the weight of her would feel like laying on my chest. -what her hands would feel like inside mine.

I miss her. I always will.

Happy MLK Day

2008-01-21T17:31:00.000-07:00

"Now is the time to make justice a reality for all God's children."
-Martin Luther King, Jr
Address at March on Washington August 1963

We're still working on it.

Today was the first day of the Ut*h Legislative Session. It only lasts 45 days but only people that don't live and breath for those 45 would say it only lasts 45 days. It's plenty long for this old girl. :) 45 days of anxiety, hope, headaches, hunger, pride, etc. I love every minute of it.

As I said before, we've decided to change the laws around here. Our adoption laws suck and I blame every inch of them - as well as a few others - for taking my daughter away. I am passionate about it. I would give anything to be able to tell Gracie that even though I lost her when she was only 5, eventually all children were safe from the kind of hurt that happened to her. I didn't sit still. I kept fighting.

We're looking for letters from people that support the bill. -local people who think that every child should be given the rights and security that comes from having two parents. When writing my own, I decided to demand Cristy to move us away. I go through this every few months. And it's not because I don't want to live here. I love it here. I love the seasons, my family, my city, my Mayor, my many fellow lesbian families :) but I need new laws! A girl needs some heavy muscles for protection after a year like last year.

She'll say yes. Then I'll say no. :) That's how it always goes. Because I don't really want to leave. I really want to stay here and raise a family with my favorite girl in our favorite house with our favorite dog. And while we're at it, I want to 'make justice a reality for all of God's children' - then I'll never have to make empty threats again.

Keri vs Britney

2008-01-17T21:35:00.000-07:00

I went to the grocery store today. You know what that means, right? Yes, that I got to read all about Britn*y Spe*rs buying a pregnancy test with her latest boyfriend. Splashed across the cover were things like, "She's having another one!" & "A little sister for ? & ?" Whatever. I'm still bitter.

But then I thought about her and (because we all know her so very well) I realized I would rather slit my wrists than have her life. I'm not sympathizing - just saying she's made a nightmare out of what should have been a very creative, active, giving, happy life. And I want more than that.

Sure, I'd like the money she has. I could buy a lot of beautiful things for countless beautiful people. I'd also like the body she has. But she'll be thirty-seven one day and all "that" won't sit so high. I might like the attention for a while - maybe. But I have a lot that she doesn't have. You too, right?

I have family that doesn't call Dr Phil when I throw a tantrum. I have a partner who adores me and it's not because I let her ride my coattails and make some Gawd awful rap album. Cristy? Rap? And I have an amazing job where I'm encouraged and supported and guided through the good days and bad. (we even throw in a few dance moves every now and then too.)

So even though she can get pregnant on a whim - she's got nothin' on me. OR you.

Pitty Me

2008-01-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

So a while ago I announced that I was on cd1. ...a Way Long While Ago. I believe my full cycle was about 38 days and now I'm feeling like a dud. We rushed into tracking and I think I actually ovulated much later than I originally thought and now I feel cursed with waiting six weeks to see what happens this time. Yuck. I am currently bothered that I'm a girl and that I must deal with a flunker of a reproductive system.

About 1/2 way through, I started having terrible pain - almost constant pain. I felt like my ovaries were growing like during the old OHSS days. And maybe they were. But why? I have asked "why" a thousand times this cycle... but here I am on cd2 and tracking every move I make. I will most certainly have it down by the end of February. Oh God...February. And in the meantime, back to the doctor so she can tell me that nothing is wrong and that it's certain to happen any time now. (minus the fact that we haven't agreed to do an insem...)

The big plan is to do another round of IVF in March or April but those months feel like years from now. We might get a little tricky in the meantime but can I tell you how tired I am of waiting for this baby to get here? I mean, I put it out there years ago. I admit I got tired of trying and took a long break. Was it too long? Am I too old? Was I always too old?

I'm back now. A changed life later and still waiting. I'm getting less picky by the minute. I no longer plan insems around the month I'd like to give birth. I don't care about the gender of my child(ren). I haven't even looked at the donor stats in months because I don't care if he's brown or green or if his eyes are blue or gold. Well, I care because this child will be my green skinned, gold eyed wonder but you know what I mean. This girl is not picky. But she's sad. And she's scared that the dream of it all is feeling farther and farther away.

"Jupiter" far.

Attn: Utah Bloggers!

2008-01-14T11:02:00.000-07:00

Last night, my family made the trek to a beautiful, tucked away community that's very obviously packed full of lesbian mom families. We left the grid of our city to get lost among the street names of a city called Riverton.

Since it seems that everyone in this great State is a blogger, I thought I'd out those of you that I know and ask the rest of you that read here to tell me who you are. If kj introduces me as my blog name, I am certainly not reading as much about my neighbors as I should. And I feel badly about it.

Back to last night and all the lesbians in the south valley...I'm still in awe. I imagined there might be four of you that convinced each other to move out there because the schools were close, the views were beautiful and the traffic was ... hell. (scratch that reason) But I was shocked at the crowd and am forever grateful to the hosts for filling their home on a late Sunday night.

If you don't live in Utah, you probably don't think there are more than 10 of us. But we really have a very large lgbt community here. And we're also way up there in the numbers of lgbt headed families. That is one of the many reasons we need to change our adoption laws. Our children deserve the same protection as the children next door - period.

If you were one of the many people that attended the meeting last night, keep in touch. Write your letters and ask that your family write theirs. And any ally who disagrees with the laws that don't protect our children make great stories too. Your daycare provider, your pediatrician, your church leader, your midwife - your child(ren)'s grandparents and aunts and uncles... I can tell you that the letter my mom wrote after she lost her grand-daughter was more compelling than any lifetime movie. Your family matters and everyone who doesn't get it, needs to hear it.

Attend the rally on the 13th of February (Capitol Rotunda 6pm) and show your support of this bill. If we fail to have a presence in it's first year, we will fail all together.

And...scene!

...On To Big Girl Talk!

2008-01-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

Well, how fun was that? I felt like a bunch of my best girls were sitting around a camp fire telling stories of 'way back when'. I have lowered my expectations and I suppose since the rest of us were kissing at 12 & 13 (or younger...), he'll most likely leave this party with a kiss or two. Wow. How much more strange will this feel when it's Yegs having his first boy/girl party? So weird.

My past fews days have been a bit crazy. This time of year means full days and evenings for me. There's a lot going on with our local legislative session and we're gearing up for some big battles. One of these is dear to my heart and it makes me think of Gracie with every breath. Had she been protected by our laws, we wouldn't be apart today.

My State carries an adoption ban for anyone "cohabitating" and not legally married so I wasn't able to legally adopt her. Most of you know this but I just thought I'd throw it out there for added info. We will now start the uphill battle to erase that restriction, in hopes of protecting our children from people like the mother of her - and there are many. This is only one thing is does.

The restriction not only makes it impossible for lgbt people in committed, loving relationships to adopt or foster, it also makes it so we can't legally protect the children we already have together - the children we create together. It's really a terrible law and I'm kind of stunned that we've stood still and allowed it to smother us for so long. 7 long years.

So on Monday, I'll host a meeting at my house and hopefully we'll be nearing the ending stages of getting people involved. We've held three other meetings and still three more coming. If you are in this state and you haven't attended yet, please consider it. You can email me privately and I'll give you the details.

Happy weekend everyone!

First Kiss

2008-01-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

I read a statistic that over 80% of woman hated their first kiss. I think "hate" is a little harsh but I must admit I fall into the majority. Since 80% of woman probably had their first kiss with a boy, this makes perfect sense to me. Okay, that was harsh and I'm honestly kidding. But also, 9% of people marry the first person they kiss and 84% of kids under 13 have already experienced that first, dreadful french kiss.

I was 13. Almost a grown up :) I was "dating" a boy in the neighborhood. He was dangerous for a 14 year old. I always crushed on the type that got in too much trouble. So... I decided he could be my boyfriend when we were on a church trip. I think we were gone for a weekend so I was feeling extra rebellious. I held his hand. I was nice to him in front of my friends. And when our church leader dropped us off, I let him walk me home.

I knew the moment was coming. I knew we wouldn't be a real couple until I kissed him. He had already kissed other girls - oh, the pressure! He walked me up to the door and we stood there for (not nearly long enough) a while. Eventually, he made his move. I'm certain it felt something like this poor child is experiencing:

Grooooooss. He ended up marrying my best friend and I doubt there's been much change in his kissing style. Poor Tricia.

Many years later, eight to be exact, I would finally have my first real kiss with a girl. And the result was much better. So was it because I was so young when I "hated" my first kiss or was it better later just because I kissed a girl? Does it seem like girls actually care that kissing is good and important? And that boys are just trying to hurry through to the next step? :) I'm laughing because I know girls who hurry through too but I never minded them as much. :)

How was your first kiss? Boy or girl? Good or bad? & how young were you? This is causing me great anxiety. You're probably wondering why I'm googling all these statistics but it's because this Saturday is my best nephews first boy/girl party - he's twelve. Twelve. I held him in my arms just over twelve short years ago. He worshipped me - still does. He won't kiss her, right? I mean, he's not thirteen - yet.

Weekend Wrap-Up

2008-01-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

The weekend is winding down with just a few more hours to go. I'm about to head upstairs to watch the first LW*rd of the season - hoping Bette and Jodi get back together and that Tina gets whisked off to London on some urgent, very long assignment. I'm not a fan until she gets back to being Randall Dean. I suppose if you don't know what I'm talking about, you're simply not as gay as I am. Poor you. :)

Our weekend has been nothing short of perfect. We've had some beautiful storms and our yard still looks like Christmas. However, we have removed all things Christmas from the house so it's now back to clean lines and no clutter. Loving every minute of it. Have I told you lately how much I love our house? ahhh...

I have to tell you a very funny story from Friday night. Yegs came walking in the kitchen and announced that he can't wait until he gets hair on his penis. What? Um, why? His answer went something like this: "because then I'll accidentally zip up the hair instead of my penis." Oh My God. I almost pee'd my pants. He has actually done this a couple of times - only once in my presence - but it's obviously happened enough times for him to be doing some future planning. I'm still getting used to this "having a boy" thing. Hilarious.

Hey - have any of you ever heard someone say "that scared the b'jesus out of me!" Because earlier tonight, Cristy and I almost saw a car wreck. After I said, "i think that scared the jesus out of me" and she made fun because she tought it was "b'jesus". My mom agreed but I'm certain you are all way smarter than them and you're going the agree that it's "the jesus" and not "b'jesus".

You can tell I'm a little over relaxed. Just bare with me.

Also, I wanted to give a very big shout out to our favorite Texas bloggers... B and K have been supporting my rants for a long time and they've been suffering through ttc right along the rest of us. Well, Saturday morning they got a wonderful New Year's present and I thought you all might want to be sure to show them some love! Very exciting! They've been through a hard time of late and I seriously think this is just inches from being a miracle! Love you girls.

I got a crush on ...

2008-01-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

Obama.

Not really. I mean, he's handsome enough - in a "donor" sort of way. But I wonder if any of you have seen this yet, you simply must if it hasn't found its way to you yet. I saw it a few months ago and then started signing off as K to the E to the R to the I. It's very funny. Then Hillary fans started sending this one around which isn't nearly as easy to watch but still good and terribly funny. I'm sure there are more but these are the best I've seen.

It got me thinking...if I'm going to run for President one day, I need a new name. There just isn't a "ring" to my short little four letter name. K to the Anything doesn't roll of your tongue. & no one really has a crush on "ker". It just sounds weird. I've always wanted a 3 syllable name like Tiffany or Stephanie or Penelope - wait, that's four but you get it. I wanted one of those names that has lots of loops and looks pretty in cursive. My entire name - first, middle and last, has just four... small... syllables. Many people use my middle name just so it doesn't sound like they're clearing their throat or trying to get someone's attention. I'm whining. It's just that, if someone is going to get in their bikini and sing a song for me, I must have a very cool name!

When I think of naming our future young, I always try to stretch it out. I'll say, "how about TWO f's?" and Cristy will cross one out. Or "how about ll...ie?" and she'll say - why not just ly? Her name is as short as it can be too. You'd think she'd understand my pain.

And, I think four word names are fun too. Stephanie Melissa Perfect Jones. And names like Holly Lillia - when you say it all together it's like Hallelujah. Okay, I'm not serious. Don't worry. But I do want to come up with something original, yet easy to spell. And pretty. It must be pretty.

I think if I ever run for President I'll change my name to Harmony. Three syllables. Pretty. Loopy. There's no "i" to draw a heart over but I can deal with that.

Vote for Harmony Holly Lillia Jones! ...I'll keep thinking...

Iowa Caucus' *Update

2008-01-03T17:37:00.000-07:00

It's time to begin politicking again. Did it really ever stop? It seems the upcoming Presidential race was well in force by last November's elections. So maybe the question should be...will it ever end? But I love it. The very threads of democracy are being woven as we speak and there is hardly nothing more exciting in my book.

So today, the Iowa caucus' meet and they'll gather around their favorite candidate and whoever has the largest group wins. Did you know it worked like that? I think it's odd. The Republicans do it differently but none of you would be one of those, right? kidding.

Anyway, statistically speaking, tonight will be telling of what's to come. & then whose turn is it? - New Hampshire? Ah - to Live Free or Die. That's their state motto. I love that. I spent a couple of weeks there on a honeymoon of all things. I was married on Independence Day and New England really knows how to celebrate this country! I bet they really throw around their flags this time of year too. Anyway...

To be honest, I haven't made my mind up yet regarding a candidate. I think Cristy and I like to compete against each other so we go back and forth about who is best. A woman? An African-American? A rich guy who happens to have a brilliant daughter? It's up in the air and thank God we've got a few months to bicker about it. Are any of you set in stone? Because if so, I bet I have a good argument to sway you. Again, kidding.

& don't go listing Romney just to play on my "Utah" card. I'm not a fan. - not of his politicking, not of his eyebrows and not of his faith. You can bet he'll win in this State but I'm not seeing much more out there for him. How do you really go from being pro-choice and pro-gay to such a bigot? Tricky, that's how. And Huckabee? Ew. Guiliani (or however you spell it), he's not handsome enough. The President must be handsome, right?

Now Hillary, she's handsome.
Last time, kidding.

**Update
Looks like it's Obama & Huckabee - who knew?
What do you all think?

Happy New Year!

2008-01-02T14:58:00.000-07:00

I've been catching up on all of you and it sounds like everyone had a perfect holiday - minus a few little colds and headaches. We're back home and, while we had a really nice week away, I was happy to be sleeping in my own bed with my own pillow. - the little things.

Reading you all made me realize how many of us trying to have babies are actually GOING to have babies in 2008! And now kj has joined the bunch! That girl just can't get enough attention. :) And if you haven't sent her love yet, please head over there and give her a cheer. And better yet, if any of you have five babies under age 4, let her know how easy it's going to be. Or lie - because right now she needs you to lie. :)

2007 is over and done with and even though I'm a good twenty pounds heavier, I feel lighter knowing I have a new year to look forward to. Looking back, a lot of exciting things happened.

* We went through our first round of IVF so now we should be pro's by the next time. :)
* We sold two houses and bought our first house that's just OURS.
* We did a little bit of traveling but not nearly enough. (Vegas, anyone?)
* We got a new/used dog that brings me happiness every single day.
* We paid off all of our debt but some tried to latch on again. (hence, the new house)
* We saw our best friends marry.
* We made many new friends.
* We caught up with old friends.

& if that's all I look at, it seems it was a pretty good year. In fact, I feel strong enough today to make the prediction that this year will beat last year by mountains!

My goal was to be better with my time and I think I did pretty good. I show up when I say I will. I'm organized. I focus on spending my time with people I love. Good on me!

So here's to the new year of baby making, weight losing, debt freeing, trip taking days to come! Cheers!

Happy New Year's Eve!

2007-12-31T19:57:00.000-07:00

It seems I've rested myself a cold...

While I sit in here and catch up on email, Cristy and her family are creating 6 masterpieces for dinner - anywhere from lobster, artichokes, crab legs, shrimp, cheeses upon cheeses, goat something and more cheese. I can sort of smell it at this point but I'm certain in just moments, I'll taste it. Spoiled am I.

We're counting down the hours to cheers to a new year. B posted this fab idea of toasting champagne then breaking your glass. I love it and may have to copy it and start a new family tradition. Supposedly it breaks through the pangs of last year and you begin anew. Isn't that what it's all about?

This year has been trying, no doubt. - full of pain and full of blessings. I suppose that's what life is all about. But as we count the goodness found from this year, I will count finding this safe place and finding all of you.

Happy New Year to you all. May all your dreams come true - God bless.

More Resting

2007-12-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

I love vacations. I love being here and not worrying about a single thing - except my sick dog. She ruins any kind of complete peace but other than her, perfection. I hear it's snowing like crazy at our house. Right now, Molly & her boyfriend are tearing it up in our yard - or better yet, tearing UP our yard. I miss her - them. But I know she's been very taken care of while we've been here and I am forever grateful for our house sitters.

Cristy still needs to be reminded to sit like a lady...

It's lovely here. Blue skies. Warm, finally. We wondered around without jackets this morning - feels like spring. We had Amy Ray blaring in the car while we argued over who was singing the words right. Me, of course. I love her.

This picture is from our back deck. It's for Gina - this is her city...

Last night we drove up to the observatory to look at Mars. It's not something I would typically think of doing but it was beautiful. I love LA. & have I mentioned what great food they have here? I know it sounds cliche' but I have loved every restaurant, every coffee bar, every last morsel of apple tart. We've had pasta's, mushroom puree soup, sushi, beet & arugula with parmesean cheese - oh god, I could go on and on. Cristy's brother-in-law likes eating as much as she does. Or maybe I should say they appreciate it. :) They've done a great job at picking places the last couple of nights. But because they are so good at "picking", I need to binge and purge for weeks once we get home. :)

Tuna tartar

Us after a few drinks

Us with Uncle Steve

Cristy and her favorite oldest sister

I think I fell in love this morning. Again. Cristy looks prettier when she's in California. It's her real home. Watching her walk through 'Val Surf is like watching a child in a candy store. I looked at her at one point and thought, "that's what she looked like when she was 13". I can So see her bothering the neighbors with the sound of her skateboard wheels. She is...beautiful.

You might not see it here but she's really a catch!

Enough of that. I'm obviously on vacation and away from bill paying and house cleaning. But I thought I'd better document my adoration for her so when I look back during times of begging her to do some yard work or dusting, I remember how great she is.

Hope you're all well.

Rubbing it in...

2007-12-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

It's our 2nd day here and I'm still in "rest mode". Loving every single minute.

We got here terribly early yesterday morning. 7am, to be exact. Jet Blue has that wonderful timing thing going on. Luckily our friends have a 4 year old that wakes them before then so we drove to Irvine and had breakfast in Laguna - the finest fresh squeezed orange juice I've had since I was here last. ah...fresh fruit.

We drove the 1 all the way up to the strawberry fields - only strawberries aren't in season so we settled for avocados and a tomato. I should've bought those lillie's. Damn. Malibu was burned all the way to the freeway and that was kind of odd to see. It's one of the most beautiful places on earth and it's sad to think what people lost here just a few months ago. Also, we saw this hill of sand that people were using boxes to sled down. For a minute I thought, "I bet these people wish they had snow" but who am I kidding? No one likes snow for more than a week or so. :)

But don't be too jealous yet, Utah bloggers. It's cold here. I don't think it's been more than 50 degrees and we have been mooching sweaters and socks to stay warm. Cristy brought shorts. I know, go ahead and laugh at her. I told her it wasn't April but she didn't believe me.

I think I slept 11 hours last night. I'm not even kidding. It's amazing what life looks like when you have nothing to think about. I've been sticking to my "stay in pajamas" as much as possible.

We've had some great food and wine since getting here and there's more to come. And we went to a movie today called Juno. If you haven't seen it, you must. I had popcorn and milkduds. You might not care about that but I'm trying to make you understand that I'm on VACATION! I'm eating and drinking like a girl who doesn't have twenty-five pounds to lose - it's fabulous. A glass of wine, pasta, a cocktail, a snowball dessert with coconut on top...let it never end.

Tomorrow we head to Santa Barbara and then back here again for New Year's Eve. I'll be rubbing it in as I go.

And just to remind you - only three more days to let all the bad stuff from 2007 go. We're starting anew, right? Pile it up - we'll burn it, erase it and shake it off on Monday night. anew...

Post-Christmas

2007-12-26T19:36:00.000-07:00

I hope you all had a perfect holiday and are now setting your sites on New Years. It's hard to believe we'll be entering 2008 in just days...

My girl and her boy

Such a sweet smile

He's eight

Molly's boyfriend bought her a new duck

Our family - 2oo7

Our Christmas was really nice. We spent the Eve with my family for their traditional homemade chowder and bread. And then we were back the next morning at 6:45am for Santa Clause. My niece and nephew are still believers and there is nothing sweeter than listening to them rave about the tiny bite that the reindeer took out of the orange. And how Santa always eats Tana's cookie first. He knows. And then they're just amazed that he really listened when they asked for that particular lavender shirt or spy gear. So cute.

And Yeager? Well the kid must've been good this year. He got a cell phone, an xbox 360 and an ipod. And that was before he came to our house! I think Cristy and I were both a little worried that he'd be disappointed at our gifts after opening all that but he was so excited about every little thing. We always give him a gift from Gracie and this year it was his favorite. He even said, "i hope nothing happened to it when it was shipped from Texas". I think we still have some explaining to do. :)

Cristy and I leave in the morning for LA. That was my big gift! I am so excited that I probably won't sleep well - like a kid the night before Disneyland. We'll fly into Long Beach, head down to Irvine then drive the coast all the way up and over. If I feel like bragging about my "down time", I'll try to blog. You'd all like me to rub it in, right?

If I'm not here until after my vacay, have a wonderful New Years!

Welcome to Our World

2007-12-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Jesus and Merry Christmas to each of you.

I thought I'd post one of my favorite Jesus' Birthday songs. I hope you all enjoy it and enjoy your day!

Big love to all of you from our family to yours.

Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

It's early in the morning and I thought I'd better start this post now or it won't happen.

This time of year brings such joy for me. As a Christian I feel extra emotional, knowing that this is when we celebrate the birth of Christ. As a daughter and sister and Auntie, I feel grateful because I seem to see my family about every other day or so through the month of December. As a partner, I count the Christmas' we've spent together as milestones and I feel lucky for each year that she's chosen to spend with me.

Last year, I spent this entire day with my daughter. I've relived the day a million times so I can seriously document every thing we did from morning 'til night. We laughed and sang. We cuddled and "watched a show". I held her in my arms after we spent a rainy day at Sea World. She fell asleep on my left side with my arm wrapped around her. I played with her during her bath and then brushed her hair. I helped her put on the new Christmas dress I brought her and got her ready for church. I kissed her. I hugged her - probably twenty times. Before she and her other mother dropped me off and drove away I asked her, like always, "how much do i love you?" and she said, "forever." It would be the last time I saw her.

I think about her today and there's probably a similar ritual happening. I miss her with every breath but I also count her as my greatest blessing. Pain/Beauty. The fact that I spent over five years with this fantastic, brilliant, funny, bull headed little miracle is something I'll always hold so tightly. And today, every year for the next many, I'll think about the perfect day that was one whole year ago and wish - every wish I can hold - for her to be happy and healthy and surrounded by goodness.

I love you Gracie girl - my whole life.

Christmas Adam

2007-12-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

Today, this day, is Christmas Adam. It's the first day of "Christmas" in my family. Tomorrow will be Christmas Eve - and then, of course, Christmas Day will follow. This is not because I'm a big believer in Genesis - it's just a nice reminder that there's a lot that came before us.

I thought I'd post a sweet story with you about giving and sharing because that's most of what we do here, right?

***

A holy man was having a conversation with God one day and said."God, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like." God led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms. Each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. God said, "You have seen Hell."

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, "I don't understand." "It is simple," said God. "It requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves and starve."

***

I've always loved this story and even though I don't believe in the traditional idea of "hell", I do know that sometimes we feel like we're stuck in our version - situational or emotional. But I think, no matter how you celebrate this time of year, this story is a lesson in taking care of each other and nurturing each other...exactly what we do through our blogs.

So, the moral of this story? I will always share my spoon with you.

Happy Christmas Adam.

Blog'iversary?

2007-12-20T15:27:00.000-07:00

Someone sent me an email the other day to let me know it was my 1 year blog anniversary. Wow. 1 year in this very place. I started looking back...

Before I started this blog I had another one. But I never shared it with a single soul - even still. I kept track of things there - mostly feelings. The thought of someone seeing it scared me to death. I imagined showing up in court and having every word up on the big screen. I think starting this blog was me creeping out of the "custody battle closet" a bit. I think I started feeling safe - knowing that court couldn't really hurt me like it could before. After all, at that point the mother of her was held in contempt, I had a very routine visitation schedule and I had an amazing child custody evaluation on the side of me & my daughter. I was in the clear. ...Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda. Damn.

I remember the morning that I decided to show Cristy my blog. I had been writing for a while but just felt so vulnerable & never dared to tell her about it. I left it up on the computer and let her find it. She cried. Sobbed. Some of my words she had never heard before. Because isn't is so easy to write your feelings instead of say them out loud sometimes?

At that time I was only reading two other blogs and I would never comment because that would mean someone might find me. Now I absolutely love having you all here and I love keeping up with you too. I am happy - big happy tears happy - that I found this place.

One year ago today, I wrote this. I think I loved her. I love her still. I'm still this bad when she leaves. I hope to look back 10 years from now and feel the same way.

Where are my happy thoughts?

2007-12-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

Reading the last while, you would think I don't have any. I can't bare the thought of giving that video as much energy as I have. Let's be done today. Yuck.

Instead, let's talk about sex. Well maybe not. I don't think it bodes well for my G rated blog. Although, I think I may have lost my G rating once kj started commenting. :) And speaking of comments, thank you all for the comfort and validation. I always know where to go when I need people to nod in agreement.

But back to sex. I decided the other night that maybe it's good that I'm an infertile lesbian. Maybe the fact that sex doesn't have to be so clinical for me is a blessing. I mean, imagine having to time and temp at every saucy moment? And then realizing not enough time had gone by or that you're not "hot" enough. (I just giggled.) I'm obviously still very jealous about the "roll over and get me pregnant" thing that hetero's are blessed with. But then if you're hetero and infertile...hmmm. Maybe I'm speaking too soon. Anyway, those of you who can't just roll understand my point.

I had these thoughts because no matter how we make babies, there's never really romance involved. I was reading Chicory the other day and the entire scenario just proved this point...and made me pee my pants a little. The "baby making" part is simply so technical and organized (expect for the example I just gave - see above link) that there's not room for romance. I mean, you're naked, the lights might be dimmed but there's most likely not wine and because the end goal is just baby and not...well, you know - it's just not the same. I'd like to say I'll boycott but we all know we can have both. Or try for both. And hopefully get both but at least get one. Right? Oh God, I think I'm seeing stars. And I do know that it helps to ... (blushing) unless you're doing IVF. Then that's bad. Ugh. Enough.

You get it.

So here's wishing that we all have babies. And sex. And even if sex doesn't create babies, maybe pretending it did will lead to more trying.

Why am I talking about this again?

A Little Explanation

2007-12-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

I have gone back and forth around leaving up the video of the mother of her and her awful attorney. I considered deleting the word "awful" because I thought for a minute that I shouldn't say something too personal about him on a place that's so public. But then I remembered all the stuff he said about me on the video. All the things they both said. And I feel like I could add a few more descriptive words and I'd still be way ahead of the karma game.

I wondered if posting the video would hurt your feelings. I mean, it's obviously personal for me but these might be words you've never heard about your families. Maybe you've never been called a "legal stranger" or "nothing more than a babysitter". I hope so. But I wanted you to see what they say about you - how much less they think of your family and mine. And I suppose I wanted you to grieve with me and be sick at the thought of people thinking of them as champions.

I think about what she said - that I always resented Gracie... Like I all of a sudden jumped out of the bushes to fight to keep a child that I never even wanted. Now I know what she'll tell her as she grows. But I don't worry about that. She knows I love her. I never saw her without telling her I'd do anything in the world for her. As they pass this video from church to church to raise money to fight cases like mine, I wonder if any of those church goers think it's odd that I would take such steps for a child I never wanted. I like to think people can see through that thick black eyeliner. I like to think they can tell she's an actress and that she's spent her life changing skin for those she'd like to impress upon.

There will always be a few that think of her as a miracle. She lived in sin for so many years - poor child. She never had a father - that must be what happened. I bet her adoptive dad would love to hear that. She never felt pretty so, of course, she "became" a lesbian. It's the most absurd thing I've ever seen. I watched her cry and thought, "she doesn't cry like that" - but what do I know about her? How do I know how she really cries?

And when she talks about y(our) children having mother after mother after mother - she's really talking about her own history of a million failed relationships. Three marriages - two before mine that she somehow failed to mention. Don't let her make you feel like you aren't whole and genuine. Shine that mirror back at her - at all of them.

This video answered every question I ever had about what went wrong with us. Every question she couldn't answer or that I didn't dare to ask was revealed there and, in some ways, I'm relieved. I'm relieved to know that whatever change happened in her, happened ("before") when I started asking. Selfishly, it feels good to know the timeline instead of feeling like I had been crazy all that time.

But none of this leaves me peace around Gracie. It just pummels me until I ache - knowing the eyes Gracie looks into are just ... vacant - a shell of the woman she once was. I'm worried that she'll hear words like she was "created out of sin" and not love. I fear that she'll spend the next ten years being raised by robots - people who preach hate and intolerance. And I'll spend the rest of her life showing her what it really means to love all God's children.

Do I sound intolerant? If I do, I think I have enough good karma to work with for a while.

Visitation Case Continues for Utah Lesbian

2007-12-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

This article was published today and I thought I'd post it here - knowing there are locals who read here that need to know ... more.

Gina is part of our non-bio support group and she is one of the bravest girls I know. If you know someone who threatens their partner by using my case or has hurt their child by doing what Gina's ex is doing to their daughter, please say something. Not here. But say something! The pressure should not be about Gina setting a bad precedent. It should be on her ex for creating this case in the first place.

We must support each other. If you're interested in helping out locally, send me an email and I'll get you started.

Love you, G.

Forgiveness (I might be preaching a little)

2007-12-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

If you've read here for a while, you know this word has been a common thorn for me. I pretend to let things go and try to move forward but then I hear myself say things like, "except for them" and "I guess I deserve that". I remind myself daily that I can feel whatever I feel but that holding on to what ails me, dampens my spirit and keeps me from feeling whole. But then I give myself permission to keep holding on to it. It's a vicious cycle.

I've thought a lot lately about things I count as "unforgivable". - certain people who made it their priority to separate me from my daughter, certain people who will punish me until the end of time for something I can no longer say I'm sorry for, myself for a million little things that weigh so heavy in my heart. 'Tis the season for forgiveness and I still can't grasp what I wish for most - to begin again without holding or placing blame.

Like a twelve year old, I look at myself in the mirror some days and see an internal tantrum. I'm still mad. I still have thoughts that cling to my shoulder muscles and wake me from my sleep. I'll hear someones name and I'm angry in an instant as though I'm back in the courtroom, listening to hateful words and lies - even people I've already "forgiven" can bring me right back there.

I'm reminded every time I turn on the radio that what we wish for will be granted by simply saying it out loud. Not in a "click your heels" sort of way but by prayer. Whomever you pray to or wish to, if you do and once you do, you're forgiven. If I made a mistake and I'm sorry, I say I'm sorry. I let it go and "it's as far as the East is from the West". & if I don't, the bible says I'm insulting God by asking for forgiveness twice. - that I'm not trusting in Him to forgive me the first time I asked. In God's eyes, I am perfect. He would know, right? :) My mistakes are part of my free agency. He asks that I do my best and be my best. I try to keep a positive spirit - live my life in a way that makes me proud to repeat it.

So why can't I do this? What are they rules around how long it takes? Because I actually feel pretty good until I realize that the result after my "ask" still leaves me without her. & then I go back to punishing myself & grabbing back all the "forgiveness" I've doled out - because it starts over and it's a vicious, endless cycle. And maybe it doesn't start all the way over but you get it.

It's almost been a year. And a year ago I thought this day would never be. I thought I'd see her every Christmas, every New Years, every "all the time" - forever. & I get stuck with knowing where to start living differently. Or maybe I've already begun but I don't like it. Maybe that's why I can't let the bad stuff go - because at least it's part of her. It's just big and I'd like to give it all away. Maybe I'll send it to one of those people I haven't forgiven - for Christmas. :) See, I can still be funny.

But this I know:

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and then discover the prisoner was you."

I'll still work on it.

I'm leaving on a jet plane!

2007-12-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

Not today. And not for a couple of weeks but I'm so excited because we bought tickets to go to CA for the week after Christmas! Wha-hoo! It's been far too long since we've done our typical trip and if we could skip every day between now and then, I would take her hand and lead her there this very minute!

My (our) plans are very simple. I want to fly into long beach, drive to the coast and have breakfast, head to Irvine to visit some friends, get lost in the strawberry fields then somehow end up in LA until New Years Day! I promise to get dressed a few times but my first choice will be to remain in my pj's for as many hours as possible. I want to watch movies and eat in. I want to talk until 2am and walk until we're lost. I want to open the coffee shop then mozy around Whole Fo*ds until noon. Every - single - day. Life is always easy in LA.

This was Cristy on a trip just like the one we'll take. Except this is San Diego. Near Humphrey's and near Amy Ray. jbeeky knows this view well. Well, not the view of Cristy's "butt" well but you get what I'm saying.

Taking this trip is keeping me sane at the moment.

I better go. I need to start packing...

Peaceful & Perfect!

2007-12-09T20:38:00.001-07:00

I think I may have had my best weekend ever. Or maybe not Ever but in a very long time.

As you know, we got snow! Inches of it! It's beautiful! & when it snows, we like to do just about anything to stay warm. I love layers and cocoa and blankets and big socks. I love early to bed and late to rise. I love to shop when everyone's too afraid to be out and about. And this weekend, I finally found a painting for our parlor.

I know, I've probably not done a lot of complaining here about not having a painting but I do it a lot to Cristy. We have this big, burgundy wall that's just empty. It's has an art light outlet but no art. & you don't want to just hang something up there. It has to be special and it has to mean more than the furniture we'll have to replace every five years. We got it. (here you go, Jack!)

I know you can't really tell, but it's very big. 4'X4'. But the wall is huge so I really think it's perfect. We hung it last night and we keep walking past it saying, "beautiful!" I think we're both pretty happy with it. The end of a long hunting trip.

Other parts of our weekend were full of me ordering a beer and really liking it, being in pj's by 6pm yesterday and today, renting a movie last night and seeing Gold*n Comp*ss today. (interesting) Seriously, if I would wrapped some presents I might've added "productive" to my title.

But wait, I got a painting. That. Is. Productive.

It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas!

2007-12-08T18:07:00.000-07:00

Here's what we woke up to this morning!

Believe it or not, all the snow I bragged about the other day was gone in days...this time it should last a while.

Thanks again for the all the comments and emails regarding our family baggage. I deleted the post after a day because I thought having Y's dirty laundry out there wasn't really fair. But we're happy we posted because your thoughts brought a lot of clarity to the subject and we're stronger for it by far. Big love to each of you.

Today is cd1. We're back on track but not sure for what. IVF? Fresh insems? It's all up in the air but at least today is the beginning of something and, while out and about today, we looked at little boy clothes and little girl furniture just for fun. It feels good to be back in the game.

Have a great rest of your weekend. Drive safely if your outside looks anything like mine.

Killing Time

2007-12-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

Man. Long day. It's only Monday, right? I wonder if this is telling of the week I'll have.

Life is busy. There is much to do. All. The. Time. Right now I'm dreaming of steeping some tea and bathing with lavender salts frothing around me. Instead I'll take Cristy who just walked in with chocolate covered strawberries and cinnamon almonds.

Cristy has "business stuff" tonight and tomorrow night. That leaves me with time to fill up. I'm embarrassed to say that anything more than a couple of hours doesn't bid me well. In fact, she actually makes me fill the time so I don't leave myself room to get into a funk.

So tonight I decided to use it to visit my mom - the greatest woman on earth. We sat. We talked. We had dinner. She is everything wonderful you would find in a mom. Sometimes I look at her and I feel a little anxiety - knowing I might not be that great. You know? She's had a lot of living. She had three kids under the age of 3 by the time she was 22. She married terribly young and spent the next twenty years fighting to keep it. I wonder how she and my dad ever made it 37 years. But then I remember, it was all her. She has held us all through so much. She lives and breathes every day with the loss of a son and a grandaughter but she only talks of both of them with smiles and as blessings - she's never a victim. She's amazing.

My drive home was full of tears with a familiar song from last Christmas. I knew I'd have more time alone when I got here and I was anxious thinking about it. But as I walked through the back door, sweet Tori was at my front door. A bit of an angel? Yes. She just might be my longest "friend" and when I get to talk to her, I enjoy every minute of it. She stayed until just minutes before Cristy walked in.

Isn't it funny how things just work out? Like getting to eat stawberry's in bed near a lavender candle maybe?

I'm on it.

From Start To Finish

2007-12-01T21:27:00.000-07:00

I must say - we've had a very full day. It's 9:27pm and I'm using this post to unwind before heading upstairs to watch Oce*ns 13. - except I've never seen eleven or twelve so I'm really just planning to shut my eyes and assume to know that all the handsome men end up alive and well in the end and that they robbed a big bank and they're all living on the coast of somewhere with an equally beautiful woman.

But back to the day...we woke up this morning to this:

Outside our side patio

Outside our back kitchen window

And the front view

It was so beautiful. I think we got at least six inches of snow this morning! I'm not sure how many times Cristy's shoveled but there is still more snow out there. Time for the blower, for sure! We actually made people come over during this snow storm so if any of you read this, know that we appreciate your bravery and collaboration and thank you very kindly for the doughnuts.

I had work related plans to attend a church service this afternoon and I definitely owe Cristy BIG for going with me. I was supposed to be speaking about the gays vs the evangelicals but it was so NOT that. Instead I spoke to a group that included a spritiual healer, a sex addict and a non-gay living gay man. We watched the movie I told you about and then searched "inside ourselves" for the answers it gave us. There were many moments of, "now close your eyes and listen to what your insides are telling you...listen...listen..." I sat there (eyes peeked open) and prayed that Cristy wouldn't laugh out loud. She didn't.

Tonight we went to Fr*sco's. If you live where I live and you haven't been there, do. It's a lovely little Italian pocket and the food was delicious. We celebrated our birthdays and they decorated our dessert plates with Happy Birthday chocolate sauce. I was wishing I would've had a camera so I could post a picture here. See how much I love you all? I even think of you while dining. Anyway, it was wonderful and, again, I am blessed to have those girls surround me. All three of them.

So I'll leave you to remember World AIDS Day today, December 1st. I'm not too late yet. And it's never really too late to remember.

"If we are to stop the AIDS epidemic from expanding, we have to break the cycle of new HIV infections. All of us working together -- government, communities and civil society -- can make the difference." Former South African President Nelson Mandela.

TGIF

2007-11-30T13:15:00.000-07:00

So my actual birthday came and went but I’ve been assured “birthday treatment” through the weekend. I’m a very lucky girl. Thanks for the many birthday wishes. I was still reading them this morning and feeling so grateful to know you all.

I worked yesterday but Cristy came and took me to lunch. I was kind of bummed out – just missing Gracie and wishing I could share my day with her. I tried to hold it in but ended up burying myself in it for a while. When I got home last night, Cristy had made a beautiful dinner and I was able to just enjoy the end of my day. Crab, squash and sparkling wine – delish! Isn’t it pretty?

Later today I will attend the funeral of my old Senator when we lived where we lived before now. He was a wonderful man and I'm certain there will be tears. I didn't know him personally but he always had time for me when I was fighting Gracie's bill in the 2006 session. The first time I met him, he hugged me goodbye and I had this moment of "he's kind of like Charles Ingalls" - whom I loved dearly. Anyway, God bless Sen Mayne.

Luckily, I have some birthday money to spend so hopefully that will be part of our Saturday. That night we’re celebrating with our best girls (mine & E's birthdays) and I’m SO looking forward to that. Cristy and J get Vegas for their birthdays so we’ll see what they come up with for us. No pressure, girls.

Tomorrow I’ll be participating in a panel about the divide between Gays and Evangelical Christians after we all watch For the B*ble Tells Me So - again. I do love this movie but I think I've seen it three times this year... I’m a little torn about the discussion. I suppose most people there will have a negative feeling toward religion and Christianity and that always makes me a bit uncomfortable. I am no fan of religion but I can also see a clear separation between the two and, where I live, they just combine them and call it a day. I see it all the time. I think many of us feel like there isn’t a place for us in a church, especially if you’re looking for a bible based church. But maybe I’ll be a good voice for the ½ and ½. I think they're expecting me to be on the side of the “gay divide". But I took years of debate. I can argue both.

Anyway, I hope you all have some fun holiday plans this weekend. Shopping, decorating, treat making, card mailing…wow, I have a lot to do.

xo.

Birthday Eve

2007-11-28T16:22:00.001-07:00

It's mine this time! Tomorrow morning, I will be thirty-seven years old! God all mighty - hold back the tears! Well, that's a bit dramatic but it does seem strange to be heading to forty.

Remember the day when you had your whole life planned? I was sure to be married at 23 and have three kids by the time I was finished being 26. Two girls and a boy. I think their names were something like "Chanda, Patricia & Christopher". Not pretty. I think they even had nicknames. Odd. They would be perfectly dressed at all times in their pinks and blues. I would have a house and a husband. (insert cough) I would be some kind of part-time movie star or talk show host - married to some kind of rock star. It was lovely. But all of the sudden I was finished being 26, realizing my life was kicking along and looking nowhere near what I thought it would be - in a good way.

That year I had been with my first girlfriend for about four years. We had started talking about having kids but (thank God) didn't do much more than talk about it. We had a house and a couple of dogs but it was one of those relationships where we were simply the only lesbians we knew so of course we should be a couple, right? Wrong. At 26, I knew I was on the wrong track.

A few years later, back on the track of beginning my life...I fell in love with the first rock star I found, got married, had a baby and thought I was living the dream. Wrong. Turns out, after watching a recent commercial she did, she knew she wasn't gay as soon as "God allowed her to be pregnant". A train wreck of mistakes and what ifs and life fell apart right before my eyes. You all know how that turned out.

Fast forward to now. This is my last day being 36. Ten years ago I was supposed to have everything I wanted but now, finally, I feel like I'm in my groove. I am exactly who I'd like to be and exactly where I fit and grow and heal and dream. I am loved wholly by the most wonderful person I've ever known and feel lucky every day for it. I have friends and family who I trust will always hold my heart and I plan and dream in a way I've never dared.

Here's to the rest of my life! Cheers!

Babies & Birthdays

2007-11-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

So...to try another round of IVF, we would 1/2 the meds. That's the (so far) advice of our specialist. By doing so, we run the chance of less eggs/no eggs. We only got 13 the first time with just 4 fertilizing so it makes me worry. Plus, let's be real - it's damn expensive! I almost hate to try again until we have more information. I know there aren't any guarantee's and I'm not looking for that kind of guarantee but I'd like to know whether or not I'll get sick again. If so, we'll have to do another FET and our chances go way down again. Y.U.C.K.

We'll keep talking about it. We'll also keep talking about all the other options. I so appreciate all the advice I get here, believe me. If it weren't for so many of you, Kerry in particular, I wouldn't even consider IVF again. We're kicking around a million ideas but they all include a baby in the house. No matter how - and don't worry, I won't do anything illegal...we will have a solution. I'm certain of it. And I'm going to do as Nerdgirl said and start making some demands of Santa. I hadn't thought of that. :)

Onto happier times...tomorrow is a good day! It's the day that my very dear friend was BORN and can I just tell you how happy it makes me? She is intelligent and funny. She's beautiful and compassionate. She has raised incredible daughters and married an equally wonderful woman this very year. This year, I believe, is her best Ever and even though she wishes her birthday didn't exist, it exists to us and there is more light in our world with every birthday she has.

So...a day early, as not to make a fuss ON her birthday - I wanted to wish E the best day ever! I love you dearly and can't wait to celebrate you this weekend!

And after such a nice, long weekend...

2007-11-26T16:07:00.000-07:00

back to work.

I loved having so much time off and so much time at home. The house is clean, the laundry is done and I even got to watch a couple of movies. We had a ton of time with family and friends and now I just want it right back. I can never get enough.

Some of our friends were in town for Thanksgiving so we had them over Saturday night. I haven’t seen them in a while. The last time they were here, I was with Gracie in Texas. I haven’t seen them since the ruling and their first questions was whether or not it was okay to talk about. Yuck. I tried to keep it quiet and Cristy was so great about moving the conversation in another direction.

They have a 5 year old little girl that was so fun! She went up to the nursery/spare bedroom/Gray’s room and started playing with her things. I was nervous at first. I hold that room as hallowed ground sometimes. But I loved having little girl energy in there and in the house! She and Yegs played so well together - until they crashed. He SO needs a sister or brother!

And I can hardly think of anything else. I sat at the computer for way too long over the weekend - searching sites, researching possibilities. Sometimes I wonder if it's really going to happen. We're nearing the first steps of trying again and part of me cringes at the emotions it brings. But aren't I living with them anyway? I mean, I sit here consumed at the thought of getting pregnant/getting a baby. What am I waiting for? I say my body needs more time to heal but aren't I just going to get sick again anyway? What are the chances of OHSS not happening the 2nd time? Kerry? Anyone? Part of me thinks something was wrong and they wouldn't do it like that again. My estrogen level was over 8000. Surely, something "wrong" triggered that.

& there are other options. We can lie through our teeth and adopt. It's illegal to adopt in my state if you aren't married...but living with someone & having sex. I know, odd. But that was their way of excluding the gays without actually saying it. It's a Morm*n thing. That's how they communicate. Ask Cristy's family. So we could lie and say we're not a couple. Or we could use an agency out of State and hope nobody thinks twice about where we "found" our child. It's all just frustrating and I don't know where to begin.

For now, I'll keep thinking and dreaming and wishing for a possible solution.

Post-Thanksgiving

2007-11-23T07:38:00.001-07:00

I hope everyone enjoyed their "yesterday". Thanksgiving is always one of our favorites and this year was so exception. The whole family crammed into one room - I love it every single time.

We were in charge of rolls and yams. We let the rolls rise for 5 hours, baked 'em 17 minutes. We opened a can of yams, baked 'em 30 minutes. (the yams are not a typical dish but my favorite oldest nephew had requested them as Thanksgiving was also his twelfth birthday.) Either way, I think our food assignments show that we clearly haven't entered the realm of "grown up" yet. My grandmother and mother are still here (thank God) so everyone else just kind of follows along. I'm afraid, by the time I have to cook my own turkey, I'll be too old to figure it out.

Moving on to Black Friday...

We left Yegs at grandma's last night. He would've killed us had we made him wake at 4am to go shopping. Plus, it's getting harder to hide things now that he's eight. But it was only a plan to go at 4am...MY plan. As usual, Cristy put on a pouty face and we ended up not leaving the house until after 7am. (just kidding, baby!) We got a coffee, got breakfast and it was all over by 11:30. Fa-abulous! Of course we spent every last dollar until payday but I feel good knowing that we're almost finished. And as I sit here, I can look over and see all the wrapped presents under the tree. Peace at last.

I hope you're all enjoying your long weekend. I hope it's filled with family and friends just like ours is.

***

I wanted to quickly post a request for prayers and love for Mommies in the Making as they journey through such a painful experience. Bless'ed be. You are surrounded.

Feeling a Bit Behind in the Game

2007-11-20T14:47:00.000-07:00

How many of you have started Christmas shopping already? Because I’m feeling behind and it hasn’t even begun. I need to get Gracie’s package ready and that always takes a lot of thought. What does she like? What size does she wear? Does she already have that movie? Is her hair long enough for clips? Does she need some fun blue extensions? Sheesh! So many things. And who knows what we’ll get Yegs. I feel like we buy him the same things over and over and just sneak a few pieces of clothing in now & then so he doesn’t notice. So far, so good. But what next? I guess I need to start thumbing through some catalogs…

So who really goes shopping at 4am? I know there must be at least one of you! The past couple of days have been full of commercials about stores opening at 4am on black Friday and I wonder who really does that? Plus, I’m embarrassed to say that I always thought black Friday meant that it was depressing or something. Cristy just informed me that it actually means a positive money day. Whatever. I'm not earning money that day so it’s still depressing, right?

I’ll be lucky to get Cristy out the door by 7am and that’s only if I have a clear plan of where we’re going and what we’re buying. I will also need a nice iced espresso mocha in her right hand and allow her to wear a hat. And even then it's questionable. But I could lie. She’d never know I didn't have a clear plan. Because isn’t it really about the rush of it all? - getting there and watching people go crazy over a towel that will just get gross after three washings? I mean, I buy things, I do. But I don’t really know what they are until I get there. Because you can see this wonderful item in a catalog but then you get there and it’s made of plastic or it’s scratchy or too dark. I like to look around – hold things. I like to know what people are buying – what’s neat! I am a voyeur, a follower. I like to see people get excited. I like to see moms with their daughters and granddaughters – when you know it’s something they’ve done together for years and years. I can hardly wait.

I wanted to pass on this new cartoon character I was sent today. I think it looks really cute and might be of use to many of you. If nothing else, the color pages are cute. It looks like a mimic of Dora but with two moms. It's full of lessons, which I like very much.

I also wanted to be sure everyone knew that HRC’s 2008 Buying Guide was released and it’s always a good reference when you’re doling out your pennies.

And if you’re interested in advertising equality in my particular state, you can also shop here on black Friday or any Friday or really any old day you want!

So there’s my push for community love! If you could give me back some good shopping ideas, I'd appreciate it.

Puke, Paint & Peace

2007-11-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

Friday night? Not so nice. Poor Yegs. The plan was to pick him up, pick up his friend and host a sleep over. Cristy picked him up from his moms and before they left the house, he puked. Big. Again in the car on the way home and another two or three times until he finally fell asleep. The problem? It's on your "every corner" menu! He ate a double cheeseburger, fish fillet sandwich, large fry and THIRTY-TWO ounce soda after school! Y.U.C.K. So, lucky for us - (the parents that never fill his fist sized stomach with that kind of garbage, let alone that MUCH garbage) we got to clean it all up! Not pretty. This was more food than a very large man would have for lunch. And the answer? "He ordered it." Nice.

Saturday I had early plans to help a friend pick out new colors for her new bachelorette pad. Sort of. Anyway, she's newly single and moving forward! You know those days...when you want to change every little thing that ever proved that someone else lived with you? Due to my later plans cancelling, I ended up staying until about 9pm. But it's lovely. I went back again today to finish up and start on the next room. I must admit that I love people who have white walls. - but let me change them. It made such a difference in her home and I'm just praying that she still loves it tomorrow. Caramel. Yum. If I could have a dream job it would be to spend other people's money - decorating their houses when they're not home. I realize there are already people who have this job but I don't see why it can't be me. It was so fun! & tiring! But I smiled a lot and worked the muscles in my right hand so all is well.

Our weekend is wrapping up nicely this evening. Our best girls just left and we are now refueled for the upcoming week. God bless J & E. I was able to sit for a couple of hours - eating, talking and running my fingers through Cristy's hair. Perrrfect.

And just to remind you all, Thanksgiving is this Thursday! I think I just realized this! Where is November going? So gather all your thoughts and find something to be grateful for - you have just a few days to be nice to whomever sits next to you...hoping they say your name when it's their turn to talk.

The Next Generation...

2007-11-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight I spoke to an American Government class at a local college. I do this kind of thing as often as I can but tonight was exhilarating! Nineteen kids, probably all under twenty, proved to me that they're about to change the world.

My goal was to teach them how to be involved in the political process. I told them how easy it is to lobby. Write an email, make a phone call, travel up to the Capitol and make your wish! I spoke for about a 1/2 hour before I decided to stop and ask some questions. I'm not sure why, but after reading them for a bit, I realized they were way above the kind of "easy" I was talking about. Before I knew it, we were talking about how to run for office, how to write legislation and how get it passed. Amazing.

They told ME how asking for basic rights is not asking for special rights. They told me that everyone deserves equality - that our families should recognize it, our employers should recognize it and our government should recognize it. I shared a little of my personal story about my battle around Gracie and I could see the question in their eyes. "What? How is that possible? And they tried to legislate your family?" They got it.

I like to think I was a pretty smart kid. I have always been curious about the politics in this country and I have even been known to be quite a patriot in some hoods. I voted for Reagan in a mock election in 4th grade and I couldn't wait to cast my first real vote in 1989. (I had changed parties by then) I take it seriously. I participate when asked. But these kids are for real! They are ready to go. Forget learning how to introduce yourself - jump in & change it up! It was wonderful.

I was reading one of my favorite blogs today and she talked about turning a corner into the "back in My day..." category. While I was reading it I thought, "oh, poor jbeeky, she must be Sooo old..." - not really. I mean, she is Not old. & I totally wouldn't think that about such a fantastic, amazing, young mother of two! :) What I really thought was, "I'm about to be heading to Forty". Some would say that's old. & sometimes I feel old. But tonight... tonight I felt like these kids have learned what they know from old people like me. (And jbeeky) Just like I have stood on the strong shoulders of those before me, they will now stand on mine and yours. And it felt good. I ended by telling them that because they have the "ability" to act, now they have the respons"ability" and I expect to see them put it to use.

They have my vote.

That's My Truck - or whatever.

2007-11-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

So I haven’t been sleeping well. I think I’ve been too cold to sleep. And when I lay there awake, my head is full of a million things. I worry about situations that require deep thought. And then I try to find a solution with my eyes closed. This week I’ve pondered ways to heal a broken heart and heal a tired head. I’ve worried about my walk (& many of yours) through the upcoming holidays and what we’ll all look like when it’s over.

We had another non-bio support group last night. One of the women sat with us through her daughter’s fourth birthday. It’s the first birthday where they haven’t been together. I wondered how she did it. I watched her and waited for some kind of implosion. Heartbreaking.

I thought about how I felt missing Gracie’s 3rd birthday and remembered how painful it was. The only thing that kept me above water was my pending court case and luckily, it was almost over by then and I saw her just two months later. But this girl won’t see her daughter. And her daughter won’t see her mother. Not in two months, not in two years. She has moved to 'somewhere Carolina' and is now being raised by her other’s mother’s new husband. And I don’t know if that’s any more difficult that your child being raised by another mom - another anyone. It doesn't matter. The point is that someone else has stepped into her shoes and is taking her to school, feeding her dinner and brushing her hair. Again, my thoughts went back to Gracie.

Is there someone else caring for her in my place? I like to think it's impossible to replace the kind of love I have for her. And is it selfish that the very thought of it makes me sick to my core? I’m sitting here begging for any little part in parenting this child - a human I love most in the world and someone else can walk in, develop a relationship with her mom and take my place – just like that. And of course I want her to be loved. Absolutely, I encourage you all to love her! But when I think about it, it still hurts. That someone else could be wearing my shoes and holding my brush and baking my cake and telling my stories and dressing my barbies and wiping my tears...

And I know, some “anonymous” person will chime in and tell me that I should only wish for her happiness and that if the mother of her is happy then Gracie will benefit 10 fold. I get it. Please don’t say it. & don’t think I don’t wish/pray for their happiness and health in every prayer and every fountain. Every day and every night. I do. But you get it, right? Straight/Gay/Whatever. It’s someone else, right? Isn't there a country song that says something like, "there's some guy driving MY truck that's parked in My front yard and he's playing with MY dog"... or something? I swear it's a song. And you know who would know? The mother of her! That's who would know that song and she'll read this and think, "well, you should've done this or you shouldn't have done that..." But she hears me. As you read this, she's reading it too. And I don't want my truck back or my yard back. I want my daughter back. & if you're allowing someone else to love her 1/2 as much as I do, I simply beg you not to replace me.

I said "ever" and I meant it.

Perfect Weekend.

2007-11-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

How nice it is to be home for hours and hours and leave only for terribly important things like a lovely high school play, dinner with new friends and lots of hot coffee!

Today was dedicated to Christmas!! & decorations! I can never have too many. So now you're saying to yourself, "there's no way she actually put up decorations..." Well friends, I didn't just do that - I put up my TREE! I think I had a tree up last year on November 1st. I waited 10 days later this year so if you're wanting to tease me, keep that in mind.

I know, I know. Everyone is bothered because Christmas comes "earlier and earlier" every year. But it couldn't come early enough for me. I love every minute of it. I don't care if I hear Jingle Bells in October. Sometimes I turn it on in August.

In fact, I sang carols as I decorated today. I tried to put on a fancy show for Cristy (leg kicks, jazz hands, etc.) during one of my favorites but then I remembered doing the same thing last year with Gracie and my smile turned to tears in an instant. It's funny how it's always right at the back of my throat. One wrong turn and it's hours to recovery. But I managed. It passed and I hung her stocking where it will hang ever year from now on. It's perfect.

So here's a picture of our masterpiece. Our first tree in our new house. It's beautiful!

And very soon, I'll blog about something like this:

"Twas six weeks before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring EXCEPT for a MOUSE!"

Someone To Say Hi To

2007-11-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

My sweet friend Jackie is leaving on a jet plane. Well, not really. She's leaving in her car to live a million miles away from here. Well, not really. She'll live many, many miles away and won't be back for five months. She's a military girl but don't "tell" ... get it? :)

We've been friends for 10 years and she's one of the funniest people I've ever known. She's funny in the "blond" way of funny. Now, if you're blond, don't be mad at me. Those jokes were made because of her. This is a girl who wished on a shooting star one night (eyes closed, very dramatic) and it turned out to be sparks from a chimney. This is a girl who (in trying to be very cool at one of our first "bar nights") ordered a glass of milk because she had snuck in a Reeses Cup. And when she met a lipstick girl and wanted to impress her, she went out and bought jogging suits to make her look "butch". Not a chance, Jack. I could go on and on and I'm pretty sure I even listed a bunch of Jackieisms in a book to her once...

So, she definitely entertains me but she also keeps me grounded. She reminds me where I've been and what my insides look like. She holds me to truth that sometimes I wish I could forget and she's the only person in the world that can tell me my history if I ever lose my mind. Plus, hearing Gracie say "Aunt Jackie" is one of my favorite sounds ever.

She'll no longer be across the valley but instead, over the mountains and into the flatlands of Texas. Too far for lunch but not too far for late night phone calls. So, I'll give you your song back until you come home...

From Sarah Bett*ns, From me, to You.

It's been wonderful and crazy knowing you.
And I hope that I can always see the teenage girl in you.
And I know that you'll be fine.
But I'll be there everytime
You need someone to say hi to late at night.

Better Hands

2007-11-08T18:22:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the comments on my last post. Seriously, if I met someone who was in need of friends, I'd tell them to start a blog. :)

As I have slowly inhaled my way through the last year, many things have brought me peace. I am truly blessed with a loving family & home, supportive friends (here & in the tangible world), music & lyrics and also a very strong faith in God. Not often do I share this here but the last few days have brought music to my head that I'd like to share with you.

Do any of you ever turn on your radio and hear a song that fits perfectly in the moment? Or better, do you ask for it and happen to get exactly what you need from two or three lines of a song? It's ministry in music and I've come to depend on it a bit.

Lately, I've heard the following song often and maybe that's because it's so beautiful and everyone else wants to hear it too but I also think I hear it to remind me that I'm okay. We're all okay. And we're better off because we're here together, sharing what's right and what's wrong. It has always reminded me of Jesus - and most songs do. But today when I heard it, it reminded me of you.

We all go through so many trials with bumps and bruises that might not ever really heal. And whether we're trying to conceive and it's just one big losing battle, or we're waiting for babies coming from across the ocean, or we've lost pregnancies/babies/children while we're waiting for all of the above, or we're dealing with health problems of someone we love more than all the world...we are held so tightly among each other and stronger for it. So whether you give the credit to Jesus, your lucky star, Buddha or your best girl - it's about being held and being safe and I feel blessed so, thank you.

Here are the lyrics. If you want, listen & read as you listen. It's worth it, I promise.

It's hard to stand on shifting sand.
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night.
You can't be free, if you don't reach for help.
And you can't love, if you don't love yourself.

But there is hope when my faith runs out.
Cause I'm in better hands now.

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down.
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground.
So take this heart of mine, there's no doubt,
I'm in better hands now.

I am strong, all because of you.
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move.
I am changed, yesterday is gone.
I am safe from this moment on.

There's no fear when the night comes round.
I'm in better hands now.

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down.
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground.
So take this heart of mine, there's no doubt,
I'm in better hands now.

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down.
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground.
It's like the world is silent even though I know it isn't true.
It's like the breath of Jesus that's right here in this room.

So take this heart of mine, there's no doubt,
I'm in better hands now. I'm in better hands now.

Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you.
Jeremiah 1:5

With God in your world, you aren't an accident or an incident; you are a gift to the world, a divine work of art.

Celebrate Good Times!

2007-11-07T20:37:00.000-07:00

It's Wednesday night and I'm about ready for bed. This blog has been terribly boring of late because I have simply been consumed with elections. Well, it's over. I'm happy to say that we came out very well. We have an amazing new Mayor and two amazing new councilmen. And almost as big as that, school vouchers Failed! :) Yesterday was a good day. Mostly.

Yesterday there was an op-ed written to my city's newspaper. It was written by a man from Arizona whom I've never heard of. He's aligned with the organization that represented the mother of her so you can guess that he didn't speak very highly of me. He, of course, said that it's not possible for me to be a parent to Gracie - we're not "related". And that if anyone thought I was, they must also think that it's fine if a "live-in boyfriend of seven months or so" claims right to someone else's child. I could go on and on about why this is so absurd. I could scream the facts at him. I could tell him that I picked our donor to fit MY characteristics. I could tell him that I went to every prenatal visit. I never missed a single doctors appointment. I sang to her, bathed her, fed her and rocked her and now she's not seven months old - she's SIX. Six. But I don't need to tell him any of this. It won't make a difference. He doesn't see me. I have hate inside me for this man that I pray will go away. But still, nothing hurts me more than this part:

"The issue was not denial of visitation to an 'aggrieved parent,' but instead was sleight of hand to advance an agenda that seeks to redefine the family until it has been reduced to meaninglessness. "

I am sick and tired of bad people saying this is all just part of a grand agenda. I'm sick of them acting like my entire goal was just to dissolve the "natural family" or ruin marriages for all my hetero friends. I'm sick of it because it distracts from what this did to my daughter. It leaves her name/her person out of it and that's when I can't just sit by and listen. Instead, I'll respond. I'll call him a liar (without using those words) and I'll tell you here that we need to stand up and say they're wrong. We need to let them know that we fight for our babies because we love them and we're obligated to do so because we made promises before they were born.

There were over fifty comments after what he said. Most of them were people who thought just like him. Most of them could not understand why I would try so hard to take a baby "away from her mother". But I never did that. I would never do that to my daughter or anyone else's daughter.

That's what THEY did. They took my daughter's mother away.

Don't pretend to know me and my agenda. She has always been the only reason. Always.

Get OUT and Vote!

2007-11-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

Come one - Come all!
It's your obligation!

I'll be out tomorrow - campaigning my little heart out. My hope is that those of you who read here will feel terribly pressured by this reminder. I like to think most of you will vote no matter what you read here but just in case, here is my plea.

Please, oh please - get out & vote today.

Walter H Judd said -

"People often say that, in a democracy, decisions are made by a majority of the people. Of course, that is not true. Decisions are made by a majority of those who make themselves heard and who vote - a very different thing."

If you think you won't make a difference, you will. I promise.

SO ready for Bed.

2007-11-04T18:55:00.000-07:00

The weekend is winding down and, partly due to the time change, I was ready for bed about 3 hours ago. Seriously, I have the hardest time with "Fall Back". Great that we get an extra hour but does it make everyone else get into their pajamas at 5:45pm? Dark translates to "bedtime". And it will be my bedtime just minutes from now.

The past few days have been full of good times. After work on Friday we went up to the cabin. Our best girls watched Molly Tomato so we could have a mini mountain retreat with the family. We left the very minute we got off work and enjoyed every minute of it. All the kids spent time exploring, climbing, 4-wheeling and staying up way too late. We spent time sitting and stretching and sitting some more. Lovely.

Yegs & my favorte first nephew

Same amazing nephew with his best grandma & My favorite 4-wheeler

Who could shoot this sweet mama?

I'm learning the "deer whisperer" moves of my dad

This dad was brave enough to come up but had his little guy wait behind. See him peeking?

Cristy and my mom, lounging in the sunshine

And this was all that Yegs had left on the way home

We came home Saturday in time to meet some other blog families at a local bounce house. The kids seemed to be having a great time and we had fun meeting people and talking to those of you we've loved getting to know better. I forgot my camera or I'd totally be exploiting all of you. My guess is that someone else took pics so you'll see the action elsewhere.

And finally, later that night, after Yegs went to his grandma's to eat too much junk food and watch grandma approved movies, We Went Out! We went to a trashy bar and watched the amazing Hells Belles. They're an AC/DC all female cover band and even though I'm not a big hard rock fan, they are incredible to watch. And did I mention there was a girl with a guitar? In dreadlocks? & a black bra? Have I told you lately just what that means to me? She was ... well I just can't even explain it. If they come near you, see them. You won't regret it. (& incase you're questioning my hard rock integrity, I only wore my ear plugs for about 3 minutes) Someone vouch for me. My guess is that most of you won't believe me...

Today has been nothing but undoing Halloween, resting and drinking too much coffee. I think I might have a "too much smoke at the bar" hangover. Or maybe it was my pre-bar Brigham Ade, my beer at the bar or my "cheers" with E over a kamakazi. Three drinks and I'm out. And that was over 3 hours. Cheap date? Yes.

Happy Monday ladies. (& gentleman)

Tagged...and I got right to it!

2007-11-01T15:00:00.000-06:00

NerdGirl tagged me for a meme.

For this meme I must post Six Random Facts/Habits About Myself that I Haven’t Already Posted. This is hard. What don't you know?

1 - I suppose I can admit here (not at home) that I'm a control freak. Cristy assumes that it's just about the remote control but that's just how I diffuse it. I have honestly had no control over my life these last few years and I'm certain she'll feel the effects of that until the day I die. Or she dies. You get it. Don't tell her.

2 - I eat cereal. A lot. Without milk. I hate cow milk. I put my cereal in a bowl like a normal human but I don't add cow milk or any milk. Cow milk is from cows and that's just gross.

3 - Speaking of odd eating habits, I love sunflower seeds. However, I've never figured out how to eat them without using my fingers. I don't understand how you can divide the shell and only eat the part that doesn't leave slivers in your tongue. What are you - magic?

4 - I've never waxed my eyebrows. & I don't pluck. I tried plucking once and I thought I might die. So I recently decided to get my upper lip waxed because I'm certain I saw some kind of shadow. I . thought . I . might . die. Seriously, I've never felt more pain. If I can save one of you, it will have been worth bringing this up. Don't wax your lip. Wax all your under parts, wax your brows but God save you, don't wax your lip.

5 - I sniffed a whole peanut up my nose. Don't ask.

6 - I used to fall asleep and try to dream that Michael Landon was my father. This doesn't say much for my pa. I mean, my dad. But it was more about living the life of Laura Ingalls - Prairie and all.

So there you have it. Did you really know any of this about me? I've stumped you, I can tell.
So who's next? I get to pick THREE of you!

KJ - because she hasn't nearly exposed herself enough
MM - because she's the funniest girl I know (no pressure)
& KLG because those babies aren't keeping her very busy these days :)

Big love to you all!

Happy Halloween!

2007-10-31T11:40:00.000-06:00

From our pumpkins to yours! :)

Be safe! Have a great time! & if you're looking for the best candy, be sure to stop by OUR house!

Facing Demons

2007-10-30T18:28:00.000-06:00

I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately...facing demons. I don't mean it literally. Mostly. But I've had some experiences this month that have really thrown me back into the nightmare of my battle for Gracie.

First, I spoke with her. That alone was facing the demon of again wondering every single day when/if I'll ever speak with her again. I also spoke to her other mother in a way that felt very peaceful, familiar and normal. Then I ended up back at the same courthouse where I spent years (many) fighting against hurtful/hateful people that I never even knew existed. And today, I sat before the Utah Supr*me Court Justices that changed my ruling and took my daughter away.

I was attending a reception for my friend that just received his law degree. They swore him in and continued to talk about justice and ethics, equality and righteousness. I had no idea they would be there and listening to the Chief Justice brought a heaviness in me that left me full of tears. She stood up for my daughter. She, alone, cared about her and not the law. She, alone, said her name. It mattered to her what my daughter would lose. But no one else. The others that sat on that stage today never said her name - never thought about the loss.

I stared at them and wondered what it must be like to make decisions like that. Do they look out into an audience and know that they've changed a life sitting right before them? Do they wonder about her and how her life might be now?

In a strange way, I feel like I've been full circle. I suppose something else could happen that would prove me wrong.

To keep the ball rolling, I called her. No answer. She hasn't answered since that day and it breaks my heart every time I try. And it makes me question what I did right the day she picked up the phone. How can I re-do that?

I miss her. It seems like planning for another baby makes me ache for her so much more. I miss her being my baby. I miss the idea of knowing how happy she'd be to have a baby sister. I miss the funny things she says. I miss her lisp and every "l" word that starts with a "yu" sound. I miss her perfect little lips and squinty rootbeer eyes when she smiles. I miss the way she tantrums. I miss her poorly painted toenails and fly away hair. I miss her prayers. I miss her songs.

I miss you baby girl. I miss you tonight. And I'll miss you again tomorrow. I wish I were lying next to you and running my hands through your hair. I wish I could wake you tomorrow and spend Halloween trick or treating with you. I will think of you a thousand times. I will think of every costume you've ever worn and know that this year, you'll be a beautiful Princess...again.

Sweet dreams.

I'm going to be Old one day.

2007-10-29T09:45:00.000-06:00

We spent the weekend with old people. Cristy's mom, of course. And with my grandmother, who turned 80 on Saturday. We had an open house reception and it was full of people I didn't know or that I hadn't seen for years. I was reminded of how old eighty is. My grandparents just don't seem that old to me. But then I see all their friends and hear them talk of people that have passed - it's just odd.

My mom & aunt put a video together of their lives and, of course, it included some awful pictures of me. I had a good 3 years of really just looking ratty. Remember when we used to bleach our levi's? Remember when our hair was puffy? Yeah, those are the days I'm talking about. & do you think I smiled EVER back then? I don't think so. Was I too cool to smile? Or was I just permanently bitchy? There were pictures of my brother who passed away and it's so strange that he's frozen in time like that. I mean, I can look back at pictures and cringe but I know there will be others that prove I learned how to do my hair and smile when asked. As I've said before, my brothers are twins. My living brother grew up to be a terribly handsome 30 something with good hair and good clothes. But my other poor brother is frozen in time with bleached levi's and colored sweaters. Adorable, but frozen. This is a lesson in always trying to look your best in photos. :)

And then the pictures jumped to me & Gracie. Her little face smashed up against mine. Her hair short then long. She was beautiful. Everyone commented on her every time she came up. I heard, "oh! She looks like you!" over and over. And she does. And it's not just the chubby cheeks. And it's not just her hands.

So I started thinking about that. And I wondered, if we decide to adopt or if it's decided for us, will I miss out on the "she looks like you" or will (s)he look like me/us anyway? Everyone says that Yegs looks like Cristy. Is it mannerisms? Is it that big noggin? You decide. Still, it's something I think about and wish for.

I used to dream of this little dark haired girl on the shoulders of my partner while I walked next to her, holding her hand. She was sticky with cotton-candy hands and I would somehow be watching us from behind. I never saw faces but I knew it was us. I knew she was mine. It never mattered that she looked like me - just that we were a family. But I love it when people tell me I look like my mom or my brother or my nephew. It's connection, definition.

In reality, it doesn't mean a thing. We are a family. We will continue being a family no matter who is added to our lives. What matters is that we get to this baby making business already! Bring on the meds! Bring on the bills! This crock pot is not getting any younger! In fact...

I will be another year older in exactly one month! I do believe I've aged much more than that this year but I expect to be given some extra time in my eighties to make up for these last many months. When someone throws my 80ith birthday reception, please be sure the bleached levi's photos were mysteriously lost in the fire. Or something.

btw, Christmas is 57 days away. And I'm listening to Josh Groban - Noel.

Winding Down...

2007-10-25T17:13:00.000-06:00

The time is near. Two more days until Gorgeous goes to the next sibling. Is it bad to say I'm tired? Have I said more than once how hard it is to entertain someone for this long? We really do love her - every little thing...but it's hard, right?

And the worst part? She just got back from being gone for 2 days. I know, I'm awful. She had to attend a funeral and while she was gone I disturbed her things. Seriously, I was trying to clean up! I opened her door to let some air in there. She keeps it closed all the time. Then I put her washcloths in the laundry because she's used the same ones every day since she got here. I guess she washes them out everyday...gross. I put her instant coffee jar in the cupboard and her boiling water pan in the dishwasher. God forbid things not be in order before the Queen arrives. Okay, that was mean. I didn't mean it. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

The other night we took our mothers to a movie. When we got home, Cristy took a snapshot of me and my mom. It is rather cute but we then spent the next 5 or 6 shots trying to "recapture that moment" between C and her mom. She wanted to completely imitate the pose with Cristy. The problem was it was simply spontanious. You know, cuddle quickly, shoot and done! It looks like this:

They tried and tried but Cristy hated all of them. The first one I took, that was also just a quick snapshot - unplanned - was this:

Cute, huh? Then here's all of us...

Gorgeous isn't so big on pictures that you don't plan out. I just love that she's perched up there on Cristy's lap for the group shot. It's So her. She makes me laugh just to think about her. If I could only describe what she sounds like in a way that would make your cheeks hurt. It's been nice having her.

And to update you: Last night was our very first non-bio support meeting. I think it went well. There were 7 people total and that seemed perfect. Sad, but perfect. Everyone told their story - some more than once. And we all just validated angry feelings and tears. We set a date for next month, knowing there'll be more of us then. I think it's good. I wish the rest of you could be here. We talked about your stories too a little. Some day. Maybe soon, right Leah?

He's OUT of the Closet

2007-10-24T17:49:00.000-06:00

Poor guy. He never saw it coming.

When we were at the movie the other night, I overheard the woman behind me telling someone that she heard Harry Pott*r was gay. People were asking whether the actor or the character was gay and she was "certain" it was the character. Before I knew it, the other end of the aisle had heard it and I knew I had to put a stop to this nasty rumor. Okay, I was chicken so it was actually my mom that hushed the gossip and told them that instead, it was his Head Master. The Mentor. The all-knowing gentleman. And the cover of next weeks People Mag*zine.

Gasp!

I thought to myself, how odd that even a fictional character can be outed. It must be hard to stay in the closet, even in the smallest way, these days. I wouldn't know but I do remember the angst that came with thinking of my orientation falling on unsafe lips. Who would they tell? Who wouldn't they tell?

I remember walking into work one day and hearing that my "boss" saw me kissing my girlfriend at a local hotel/fundraiser. Within minutes, every co-worker knew I wasn't who I said I was. I wasn't. I had lied to them for almost two years. I had a made up boyfriend that miraculously showed up in every story I told. And sometimes, he even showed up in person. The shame! I was so afraid of my people not loving me the way they loved the person I wasn't.

So today, JK Rowl*ng is being tormented for creating this character. ...For announcing he's gay After people already decided to love and respect him. How dare she allow us to know this "person" and then tell us later he's not who we thought he was? And then the queer community is bothered that she chose to wait so long. Why wouldn't she have outed him when we really need a Strong character to look up to during the last election?

Sure, it would've been great if Dumbl*dore could've began his career already out of the closet. He may have lost friends, lost promotions, lost book sales and lost some of that hair but he would've been a strong, gay man with integrity. He could've been an example to me while I hid in my closet. Just like I could've been an example to someone else in their closet.

Who cares!? He's fictional! His only love never even came to fruition! And didn't he die recently?

I wouldn't know. I've never read a single HP book and I've only seen one of the movies and it gave me nightmares because some awful black image kept floating through the sky. Maybe that was the right-wing conservatives, threatening the poor man back into that classroom closet.

Do You Remember Me?

2007-10-22T21:43:00.000-06:00

Did I wake your walls when I walked through your door? Does my blood still run softly through the halls of your Kingdom? You carry part of me still - like a thick scar. I have left a piece of me with you. I do not want it back. It will always be.

Today I went back to the courthouse. It's the first time I've been there, when it wasn't about Gracie and my fight for her. Instead, I went there to support my sister & niece in-law. You remember...the story about the beautiful little girl with the mother addicted to heroin? Yeah, it was appalling.

Being there brought back many feelings of angst and fear and tragic endings. When I walked in the smell was so familiar - like I had known it my whole life. I walked through the scanner and felt like people were watching me, just like old times. But no one was looking at me. We were there to keep a family together and I tried to focus on that.

There was a long wait before we met before the Judge. We sat outside and I watched countless children with children walk by. My guess is that most of them were in situations they never dreamed they'd be in. Maybe some were fighting to keep their children, while others were giving them away. It was heartbreaking.

I thought about all of you. And me. All of us who want our children with all of our hearts. Some of us who haven't realized that dream yet and some that just want a second or third chance. And here are all these people who can't care for what they have. And even when they care, sometimes they don't care enough. The Judge had heard the story a thousand times. She didn't even bat an eye. "Admit heroin use, I'll issue a warrant for the father, temporary custody, come back in a week...bla bla bla"...another child who isn't being cared for by her parents.

Again, I don't know anything about drug use. I've been learning a little during this experience but I feel even more disconnected from the ability to sympathize after seeing all those kids today. How is this so hard? Why have a baby and make the promises you do and then make such a choice?

Sad, sad, sad.

Busy, Busy!

2007-10-21T19:09:00.000-06:00

It's finally Sunday night and I'm exhausted! We've had the busiest weekend - full of fun but seriously, I'm looking forward to work tomorrow. - a different kind of busy.

Company is hard. I feel like I've been complaining for days about it so why stop now, right? Kidding. Or not. It's hard to have someone here that does things a different way. Did I tell you she typically sleeps until at least noon? A couple of days she's slept until 2pm! Who does that? And do you know how hard it is to be quiet in such an old house? Until 2pm! I feel like I've said, "Yegs, be quiet!" about 300 times.

She's still warming over the stove. She even melted her newly painted nails. God help me. Why does this make me crazy? And KJ is no help - she thinks I'm trying to freeze the poor woman. I'm really not. It's not that cold! She's in bed 1/2 the day and then huddled in a long robe the rest of it. I'm going to hell. I'm a terrible, unsympathetic daughter in-law.

She did spend some quality time with Yegs. We had some functions throughout the weekend and he chose to stay home with her most of the time. Friday night we saw that fabulous movie I was telling you about. Last night we went to a Halloween party and this morning we celebrated a birthday with one of our favorite people. Lots of activity! Then, of course, every time we came back home we have a guest! A very lonely guest and sometimes I think C is going to slide out of her skin and seep under the couch just to catch a breath.

She's old. I think that's why she talks about death a lot. But she's not dying. She actually just got a clean bill of health so I'm certain she'll be around for many years. Her father lived to be 94. That's 21 more years if she's lucky. But she talks like she's already seeing the warning sign before the light that leads you to the bridge on the other side of the gate or whatever. She brings things to give away that you must cherish for all eternity. We're still getting to know each other so every time we're alone, I get all kinds of questions about my love for C and what our plans are for our future.

And while she adores C, she has little parts of her that still don't understand why she's gay. She's explained it to herself by saying 'C has always been a tom boy'. She has seen from her birth that she was "born that way". But I really mess her up. She said that if I had been her daughter - with bows in my hair and heels on my feet - she would've never been able to deal with it. How could I be gay? I am feminine enough to get a man! Ugh. A few steps forward, a few steps back...

Tonight she pulled out pictures of relatives from Texas - one of whom "married a Mexican". I just quietly rolled my eyes at the detail but things like that shake C to her core. Her mom is old school. She also had to point out that one of her great nieces got pregnant by a black man. We're not used to that. It's odd to hear someone point out the color of someone's skin when you're simply asking a name. Some of the stories she tells are awful. She lived way before segregation and I'm still not certain it would be her first choice, had the law not changed the idea for her. I was inches away from telling her we had a hispanic donor... I sat quietly instead.

She told us of her nephew who signed away rights to his daughter and "for some strange reason there isn't a bond between them" EIGHTEEN years later. Again Gorgeous, biology does not create a bond between two people. But it's a lesson unnoticed. She's come a long way from where she's from - from the way her parents lived and loved. I suppose you just listen and speak with conviction about that which stands strong in you. No reason to scream and yell like I would a neighbor or stranger. :)

We love her as she is...just wish we could make wishes...

Here she is again because I know you can't wait another minute. Tomorrow, I should have some with all of us for you.

Finally...Friday!

2007-10-19T10:30:00.000-06:00

Thanks for all the love around the MIL. I knew she'd make you smile. Now if I could somehow record her speaking...she'd have you all mesmerized. K seems to be pretty defensive about the accent so she obviously understands. :)
You really think she looks like Cristy? I don't see it...

Last night I over heard her telling Cristy how she loves her "with all my heart". It's that part about her that I adore. Her whole life is her family. She would love, more than anything, if Cristy called her every day to tell her exactly what her day was like - piece by piece. She never forgets to ask her what she had for lunch or dinner. She wants to know where we went and who we saw. It really is very sweet. I'm not sure if she's just bored or if she just doesn't want to miss a thing. Does it matter?

But then there's that part of her that makes me a little crazy. You know, like when she turns the gas stove on but leaves the "click" on so long that the house smells of gas. And then I walk in there and she's warming herself by the FIRE from the burner. & seriously people, our house is not cold. 69 degrees. That's okay, right? She spends 25 mintues outside, smoking 6 cigarette's and wonders why it takes her so long to warm up when she comes back in - just to got back out an hour later. Cristy bought her an electric blanket. She couldn't take the complaining anymore. And I decided that, even though I detest them, it's much better than her warming herself over open flames. Give and Take.

***

We're heading into a very busy weekend. Tonight we're hosting a movie for our community.
For the Bibles Tells Me So.
If you have a chance to see this, Do. I can't stress enough how amazing it is - especially for those who might not think you're on your way to heaven. Take them. It will prove them wrong. It's playing here in my city for a few days so if you're interested, shoot me an email and I'll give you details. Otherwise, check out the website and see if it's coming to you.

The rest of the weekend will be full of candidates, friends and Halloween! Busy but good.

I received this link at some point yesterday and it took my mind off of all the craziness that I've been wading through this week. I thought you might benefit from it too.

http://www.cubpack81.com/images/carve_pumpkin.swf

Enjoy!

And finally, proof!

2007-10-18T16:12:00.000-06:00

Introducing...

"Gorgeous"! This is not the name I gave her. It's just the only name she'll allow you to use when speaking of or to her. (other than "Mutha", of course.)

This isn't that great of a picture but it's the best I have for now. I'll try to sneak some through the week - and maybe one of the tool box that is her make-up case. I just didn't want to let you all down and make you wait any longer.

MIL - she's baaack.

2007-10-17T10:19:00.000-06:00

Well, she's here. She arrived Monday night and so far it's been really nice. I know, only two days but still - we're on a roll.

She really is a lovely lady. But with her includes 3 giant suitcases (the biggest you can get), a giant make-up suitcase that unfolds like a tool box, 6 or seven bags of things and a box or two full of "give-aways". It took a full night to unpack.

She doesn't just visit, she moves in. I cleared a shelf in my serving dish closet so she could put her make-up there. I'm not kidding about it being a tool box. You open it up and then it expands another 4x. She likes the light in the dining room so that's where it stays. She also keeps her instant coffee and sweet and low on the kitchen counter with the same spoon on the same napkin the entire time. She is not wasteful. She even gave me a lesson last night about using the same paper towell to wipe your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.

She brought out the give-aways last night. Old receipts of her mothers father - or something. Receipts from 1891, no kidding. Deeds and things. Very old and, I suppose, very cool to some. Cristy and I aren't sure what you do with "things" like that. She always brings things she thinks her children will cherish so we just kind of fake our way through it and try not to seem uninterested. Cristy needs to work on this, actually. Honey, listen to me. It should go something like this, "Ah! Wow! I've never seen such old documents! I'll treasure them always!" Got it? :)

Cristy set up a smoking station on the side smoking porch. She wants to be tucked back so she can see the neighbors but they can't see her. She's out there every hour or so - I'm sure we'll learn a lot from what she sees.

She carries a blanket with her wherever she goes. It's colder here than it is in Houston and she's a frail little thing. She has decided she's never coming this time of year again. She has no idea what winter is...

She uses two hands and steps sideways to get up and down the front stairway. Thank God for the back stairway or we'd never get up there. She's cautious. She's much older this year. She's moves more slowly and her face looks so thin. She still talks about needing to lose a little weight because she has a "pooch in front" but she must be losing her sight because there is Nothing there.

She adores Yeager almost as much as she adores Cristy. I think she had tears in her eyes after his dinner prayer last night. Very sweet. And he loves the attention - so much that he's offered to babysit her this Friday while we go to a movie. Does he need a baby sibling or what?

We have a pretty quiet week planned with her but next week we're hosting our monthly game night so all of our dearest friends can spend some time with the wonder that is Cristy's "Mutha".