While I Wait

Someone once told me you need a whole year - every day in every month - to heal from a loss. You need to experience that loss through your birthday, their birthday, an anniversary, Christmas, Mother's Day, etc. You get the idea. And then you can begin healing and...dare I say... moving on. I have repeated this advice to many over the years.

There are different reasons we experience loss. Like a break-up for instance. They're out there and you can wonder how they are and maybe run into them at the coffee shop on Sunday morning and have that awkward "this is my new girlfriend" moment. Or maybe a death where they're not "out there" anymore and you can have all the feelings of "what if" and memories that soften with time.

But today, I have no words to describe, with any sanity, what I feel. My loss fills me with complete emptiness and I can't begin to explain it to myself or begin to wonder the impact it will have on my daughter. And the experience has left me with a lost identity - am I a mother if they say I'm not? If she's still out there but I can't feel her heartbeat or hear her voice, is she really mine?

The Supreme Court said something like they "appreciated my sincere interest in her but...". I am insulted by that very sentence. My sincere interest? She is my daughter, for God's sake. The least I can give her is fucking "interest"! I should be obligated to give her all that I am for the next thirteen years! I should be obligated to love her, support her, cry for her and yes, fight for her. But not according to them. They even took away my opportunity to fight - to simply "ask" them if I can raise my daughter. They said, "thanks, but don't even ask".

I don't doubt that she'll know I've done everything I can do to keep her. I have spent years begging. I hired the best attorneys. I've spent over $100K. I've prayed as hard as Mary herself! I don't regret a minute. And I'd do it all another 816 days for just another day with her hand in mine. Just one more day twirling her around the mall with her little poodle purse - I would give a thousand lives.

So, today might be the third day of that first year but there will never be healing and I will never move on. I'm certain, however, that I'll be stronger and fight harder and someday I'll tell her I did everything I could - that I fought like a mother fights for her child - and she will be proud of me while I wait.

Praying and Wishing and Pleading

Hush a bye Dont you cry
Go to sleep my little baby
When you wake You shall have
All the pretty little ponies

Can you see the little ponies
dance before your eyes
All the pretty little ponies
Will be there when you arise

Good night, my sweet girl. I'll meet you in your dreams.

Be Careful What You Wish For...

I've said I'm tired. I've said I'm ready. But now it's here and I'm scared to death. The Utah Supreme Court called yesterday to tell us they're ready to issue a ruling. I haven't talked a lot about this but I am assured that tomorrow, my daughter's life will be changed in some way.

This case began over three years ago and my guess is that they're getting a little tired of holding on to it. I don't blame them. And my hope is that they've gone over and over all the aspects of it - all the pro's and con's - not just law. So many times people forget about this little girl who's been torn from 1/2 her family. No matter what Gribble v Gribble says or Troxel v Granville, there are children who are loved in many different situations and it always will be! No matter how they rule tomorrow, our children are being born and being raised in families that aren't yet written into law. God, please hear me.

In many ways, I'm ready. The last three years have been very positive for us in that the courts, the Judges, the Commissioner, the Evaluators...all of them have ruled for Gracie's best interest. I live in a blood red State but still, they've looked past the fact that she has two moms and have simply sought to find what's best for her. So far, so good. My heart tells me that they will continue to protect her. It's my head that's killing me.

My head tells me that they've read all the briefs that say how unruly her mom has been. They've seen how she's in Contempt and how she refuses to comply unless it's on her terms. If they could only see us all together, they'd know what a fake she is. When I'm there, in her comfort zone, she's wonderful. We laugh and play and talk about good times. We cry and sit quietly and know what each other is thinking. If they knew those things, they'd know we would eventually work this out - for her.

I'm trying not to hold my breath. My heart beats softly as I think of her sweet face and her little voice. I pray that she knows I'm right there with her. And I pray that, after tomorrow, we will be that much closer to her always knowing I'll be right back.

Please hear me. She is depending on it.

So Much For Waiting...

It's here. The much awaited, awful bill has shown it's language with full bigotry. I'm not sure if I spoke too soon or if they were just waiting until I was an inch off guard. Either way, it's back.

The bill has the same name as last year and worse, the same intent. The goal is to make it so in loco parentis isn't allowable to people like me - families like mine. Now it's time to gather the other non-bio moms out there to fight this damn thing. Again. The problem is, they don't come out. For some reason, they all think they'll never break up or nothing will ever happen that will put their child in jeopardy of losing them. It doesn't matter. If nothing does, great! But don't you think, as a parent, you'd fight just in case? As a great local attorney said last year, "where are all the mama bears?"

Another problem is that maybe we're not our best arguement. Do they really care that our children might not be protected? Do they care that a wicked lesbian might not be able to raise her daughter? We need step-parents and grandparents. We need the hetero's to come out in droves.

We might lose this one. We're hearing that it's a "done deal" and I suppose I'd be smarter to just focus on how to fight it once it passes. I'll do that too. But, until then, I'll fight it like I've fought this all along. In loco parentis is about a parent and child. It's not about gay marriage or any relationship between two adults. I'll fight because she's worth it. And every other parent after me and every other child deserves fairness and truth and justice.

Now where are my people?

A Lady in Waiting

I'm frustrated this morning.

Things in this state are crazy. I'm not sure how many of you have ever been here but, truly, we have people we actually ELECTED who just don't get it. There are bills this session to make sure foster children wait and wait until FINALLY a man & woman can adopt them because God knows that's way better than placing them right away with a single person or two parent co-habitating couple. Another bill that would BAN abortion, even though it's totally unconstitutional and will cost our state 4 million dollars to LOSE the case anyway. And then, of course, there are 3 or 4 bills that have these titles like, "Child Custody Amendments" & "Parent Time Amendments" and I'm certain they'll be all about my case so I check for language thirty times a day but NOTHING! Nothing so far! Yesterday, at noon, we were half way through the session so what are they waiting for? Are they waiting for the Supreme Court to rule because, c'mon! who isn't?

I'm feeling picked on just because I'm waiting. I'm always waiting on everyone else to decide my life. I'm asking strangers, "Can I see my daughter?" "Can I be a mother to her or any other child?" "Can I marry my partner?" "Can I make a decision about my own body?" When will it stop? I can go to court every six weeks or so and my attorney can tell me I'm doing everything right and every Judge and Commissioner and Child Psychologist agrees that my daughter does best when I am in her life continually but my ex, the wonder that she is, keeps breaking the law and snubbing the court system and we have to keep waiting and waiting and waiting.

And then I think about all these other women in my life who struggle with similar questions in their home states. My friend in Ohio whose ex has taken their baby away and her attorney doesn't know where to begin. My friend in North Carolina who I have to talk through panic attacks because she misses her son so painfully. My friend here who has custody of her child because the ex is a drug addict and has caused more grief to this child than we will ever really know! & the people before us who didn't have an opportunity to even fight for their kids because there was no one who dared to touch it. Before Lamda. Before NCLR. Before Lauren.

Enough of that. I'm having a hard time today. But I'm still hopeful and I'll be on my way as soon as I get the green light, baby. Hold on.

Six Years Ago

Six years ago, today, my daughter was conceived. It didn't happen by accident and there weren't candles and romance but there was plenty of love. I celebrate this day almost as much as her birth. A miracle happened and neither of us thought she'd come so soon. So many people try for months and months - including myself - but after three tries, there she was ... a little creation!

She was born very small and very early. She was healthy but she looked liked she'd fit in your pocket. I wondered if she'd ever get to face forward in her car seat. 4 lbs 10 oz. 17". And now she's five! She's a little, energy filled tom-boy who wrestles in princess dresses and high heels. She's so tall and so big. She's smart and sassy and I am more grateful for her than another other piece of this earth!

Six years ago, she was created...and I am thankful for every wish we made that morning that brought her here. I'm still making those wishes so I can finish watching her grow!

It was our third try and she is definitely a charm!

Are you feeling it?

Happy February - the month of Love! I don't know about you but I can find pounds of love in my life and I'm grateful for every little piece.

Whether it's my partner, my mom, my daughter, Jesus, my friends - it's all over the place! I selfishly place people in my life that love me. Who doesn't? I learned to do this a long time ago. Every person in my life fills a roll. I do my best to serve a place for them too but I'm certain I gain far more than I give.

To begin, there's more than just the bodies in my life that fill me with love. There's blue sky, funny stories, high heels, yellow t-shirts, white socks, days with no wind, back rubs, baby strollers, love songs, old pictures, new pictures, good movies and Sundays.

On the other hand, I have the love of a wonderful woman. She is kind and caring. She's smart and funny. She's beautiful and even handy! (She hates when I call her handy but I think it's quite a quality.) My life, of late, seems to be trial after trial and still she's there every day to hold me up. This month, I'm going to do something special for her. But I'm not telling you because you might tell her.

I also have the love of a wonderful family. & I'm not sucking up because, I swear, none of them read this blog. Truly, my family has been through a lot with me and a lot, in general. Through it, we've remained terribly close and stronger still. My immediate family meets once a week for dinner and it's my favorite thing. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because if anyone ever misses, it's me. But when I'm there, I love every minute. And when I'm not, I'm wishing I were.

I have a five year old daughter who gives me more love than I've ever felt my whole life. No matter how often I see her, she fills me right up. Loving her back gives me such intense joy. It makes this world feel easy and beautiful and all she has to do is BE! There is nothing more loving than your childs hands on your face and I can always count on her for that. She defines the very feeling.

So, happy Month of Love ladies and gentlemen. Now, when you email me, you won't think I'm so pathetic and you'll know, instead, who/what keeps me breathing.