Wonderful Dreams

We're wrapping up a great weekend, once again. I'm looking forward to heading upstairs and sleeping soundly. Our new blinds let my beauty sleep soak in until 9:14 this morning. I think that's about to become a habit.

But my dreams...

4 of the last 5 nights have been full of wonderful dreams. I've dreamed of holding Gracie while she slept, hugging her so tightly with her hair blowing against my cheek and then swimming with her and watching her wave her magic wands through water. The water one has happened almost every night. But just feeling her in my arms and seeing her face so closely has made me remember how wonderful it was. And how badly I miss her.

She turned 6 1/2 on Friday. For some reason, I always remember that. I'm guessing the mother of her did as well. I know she's loved. I know she's cared for. But you know how you just feel like no one can do it like you do? Not that I was always perfect. But I know I love her in a way that no one else does/can. It's just something special that I hope to always hold.

We have this cool digital frame thing that, like me, you all got for Christmas. It goes through about 200 pictures and I watch it like a movie. Many, if not most, are pictures of Gray. I just sit and stare at it and I realized that all the years I watch it, she won't grow. She won't age. God knows I will. I'll be gray and wrinkled and she'll stay this beautiful little girl. I have her Easter picture out - still. It's the last professional photo I had taken of her. Again, it will be there every year. Maybe year around. It'll be Easter and Christmas at our house forever. What do people think? I guess I care or I wouldn't ask. After my brother died, no one took his pictures down. He has stayed 13 for twenty years. Is it the same? Or am I crazy and just trying to hold on - or not forget?

I'm tired. My whole house is already asleep. But before I go, we did the "random insem" today. I hate to make it sound so unimportant but it's just a way of making me feel like we're not wasting time. We can't see our new doctor for our next round of IVF until later this month. Why do nothing, right? & maybe, just maybe...one of those little guys swam his hardest and decided to hang around. We'll see. Either way, thanks for hanging around to find out.

Winter Feet

I'm back home from my trip and it was everything I wanted it to be. Plenty of degrees, short sleeves and painted toe nails. To prove it, I took a picture of one finished product. Believe me, these toes are night and day compared to the "winter wear" I had on Friday. :) And feel free to comment on how long and finger'ish they are. Believe me, I know.

As I stared at this picture, I remembered another that was similar.

About two years ago, Gracie and I sat at the pool, comparing toes. She always said that her hands look like mine because 'I caught her when she came out'. But I tried to convince her that our toes were the same too. Even she, at five, knew better. No way would she admit to having same/same toes. :) Man, what I wouldn't give to kiss on those toes today.

My trip was based around organizing another community to bring great change to their electoral strategy this fall. We met with a group that has begun to mobilize and it definitely re-energized me as I head to DC this week. It always amazes me when twenty people build on to something large enough to make a difference. Very cool. & hopefully they'll need me again because I would make that trip any time. Just beautiful.

St George is this little town nestled inside red rock. When the sun starts to set, the mountains glow with such a fire. I'm certain it was painted by a blind person before it was created. It's that kind of 'perfect'.

While I was down there, I looked for her. Not because I know she's there but because, I thought for a minute, that I'd feel her if she was. I got in my car and drove around until I got lost. I kept doing a little "check-in" in hopes of simply following my heart. I drove until it was dark and finally found the place I looked for. - a beautiful adobe home, right along a mountain side. And the only thought I had was that it made me happy to know she'll visit there. The landscape is stunning. There's an ice-cream store just down the road. She'd love the pond and the red dirt.

I spent time missing her but also cherishing memories of her. & I found this next picture too. I thought it was appropriate for this post. In her scrapbook it's titled:

"These Feet Will Follow You Anywhere"

And they will baby. Every step.

One Year Ago

One year ago I hadn't slept in two days.
One year ago, the ruling came.
Not the one I had hoped for, but the one that I had feared for 3 1/2 years.

One year ago this very day.

I'll never forget a thousand things from that morning...
The look on my attorney's face when she held the answer that would change my life.
The disbelief in Cristy's voice after having such certainty justice would prevail.
The pounding of my heart when I knew in an instant that the last time was really the last time.

I thought of her, knowing she had no idea what just happened to us. What would she be told? Where did I go? How will she know that I love her if I'm not there to tell her and show her? Why didn't I prepare her? Why did I promise her I would be back?

I remember asking a friend if I was still a mother. How could I be a mother if they took away my only child? I ached just breathing. I cried so hard my ears bled. I cried harder that day than I ever have. I remember just knowing that I couldn't live through it. That, at some point, I would simply stop breathing.

***

Last night, I sat across a table from Cristy. We were holding hands and I realized that today would mark that awful day. And I'm still breathing. Sometimes barely. Last Saturday was the worst day I've had in a while but those days come less often than they used to. I still miss her with every breath but to channel it somewhere where I can still fight for her has been a blessing.

I still think about the time we had together - singing, shopping, hugging, laughing, twirling. The last time I saw her, her hair was cut in a dutch-boy style. She was five year, two months and twenty days old. She loved velvet and barbies and tippies and Mr Tumnus.

I remember everything. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll start forgetting things like her smell and her hands and her pressed kisses. The toenail polish she left so messily on my feet has worn off, as have the fingerprints I tried to save for so long. But I have so many more things that are priceless and endless.

I miss you still baby girl. So very much. But I'm still breathing and hoping and fighting. And every night when I close my eyes, I enter your room and tuck you in. I fill you up with encouraging words and lullabye's. I will always be right here. & I will always be your mommy.

When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away

Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by

And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
...there you are to show me.

A Whirl Wind!

These past few days have been crazy for us! Aside from the Primary, there have been meetings and work events and now even More snow! I think we're like 200% of normal in the water range and while I'm grateful for enough water, ENOUGH all READY! Sheesh!

Something interesting...yesterday I was back in the Utah Supreme Courtroom. I even sat by my lawyer, just like old times. But this time I was there supporting one of our best girls. I worried that I would be messy - like my eyes would tear up when the elevator doors opened and I'd be sick to my stomach when I saw the Justices. Instead, I feel strong and partially healed, knowing I sat before them and still appreciate what they do!

I watched all of them during the arguments and it felt good to know that even though they got it so wrong by Gracie, they would get it right this time. They were smart and even funny at times. And our best girl was brave and resilient and the day felt successful - like she accomplished something bigger than most ever will.

Did you know that less than 1% of all people actually sit in a courtroom because of their own case? How weird is it that the two of us - two people who sit in the same kitchen over dinner once a week, ended up with a Supreme Court case? I think it's rather odd.

Anyway...So how 'bout that Primary? M'Cain & Clinton! Who knew? Well, I suppose she isn't quite there yet but what a great race! & finally, Romn*y will fade away. He actually ran away with 85% of our Republican vote. Insane. We're obviously off track from the rest of the country - off on so many tracks...

And just so all you know, last night our City Council passed a Domestic Partn*r Registry by a 7 - ZERO vote! How great is that? Incase that doesn't sound like big news, let me remind you that Romn*y won with 85% here. :) It really is very exciting and my heart was full and fat with love listening to all those "yes" answers. Beautiful. Maybe I'll ask Cristy if she'll be my Domestic Partner. I'm so romantic.

I'm ready for March. Or April. ...when we can ride our scooters to get an iced-tea at 8 o'clock at night. And we can plant some flowers and fill the bird feeders and I can wear skirts with no tights. I want the windows open when I clean my house. And I want my dog to smell like perfume after her bath, instead of just wet dog.

Plus, I want to be pregnant.

Seven years ago today Gracie was conceived. It's strange to think about but I set this day aside to remind myself of such a miracle. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I were pregnant now? & I could have a baby somewhere around her birthday? (but she was super early and I don't hope for that) Either way, I'm thinking of her today and knowing that her other mom is celebrating her right this very minute.

"Lost"

Does anyone else still watch this show? Finally, tonight, it's back. Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurlie...

I've watched it since it's first episode. It's about a group of people who crashed in a plane. And when they crashed, they found faith. All of their lives had been mishaped. They had trials that weren't be handled in a healthy way. One girl was pregnant and alone. Another was paralized and wanting to die. They crash on this island that has slowly, over three seasons, given them faith in one thing - the mirror of themselves.

Today was a hard day. I feel as if we've been thrown under a bus - I feel it for my friends and their friends. We were part of a group that had been lumped together to gain a little ground and stand a little stronger. There were three parts to our group. & let's just say, the other two left my part behind. The worst part? I get it.

As I spent all that time fighting for Gracie, I never wondered how bad I might make it for a mother behind me. Of course, people would tell me so I knew the possibility but it didn't matter. I was fighting on behalf of my daughter. If I could save her, I could work on the rest of them later. But that's what parents do. There was nothing that could have convinced me not to fight for her incase of creating bad law. I was fighting for her, not my people.

So now, that's what these people are doing. We hoped that a Bill that protected us all would pass through with flying colors. Instead, they cut us out to guarantee passage. (kinda like HRC did with ENDA...) Now, children of step-parents and grandchild of grandparents will never lose those relationships because there will be a law to protect them. But our children won't be included. Everyone's children but ours.

I found myself the "mirror of myself" today. Lost. I felt like karma had come to kick my ass. I was willing to sacrifice others to protect my daughter. The other parts of my army did the same thing today. They did and they should have. I can't blame them. Hundreds of children will be safe from the very thing Gracie wasn't. I'm grateful for that.

This bill has nothing at all to do with our adoption bill and we are still going full steam ahead with that. If it passes, the other won't matter. If it doesn't, we have to work that much harder next year. Wish us luck - lots of it.

It's a compliment, right?

One of my favorite co-workers (& there are many) said something interesting to me tonight. We threw a rally at the Capitol to support Workplace Fairness. I had sent him a text to tell him he was magic (because he really is) and when he called me to say thank you, he also said, "you are a dream with the life history of a nightmare". I was kind of stunned because it was such a thoughtful, genuine thing to say but also because he acknowledged a part of my life that keeps me motivated on nights like tonight.

I came home after the rally with thoughts of the rally we're about the throw on behalf of the adoption bill. Truth be told, that is where my passion is. This isn't a secret. Protecting children from what happened to mine is almost haunting for me. I think I have selfishly taken it on - knowing it makes me feel like I'm still fighting for her.

Some days, like yesterday, are so hard that it doesn't feel possible to really do enough. (btw, thank you for all of your thoughts) And then there are days like today when I watch my community stand up for their families through radio interviews, op-eds and rallies. It's inspiring and it feels like they want it as much as I do. Maybe the reason is different. Maybe my reason is so I can tell her I kept fighting until we won. But we're still in the same game and on the same side. And although my history has proved to be a "nightmare", on this night I receive a call to say that our largest paper has taken support of our bill. - acknowledging the nightmare of my past and the dream of my future.

***

Outdated law: Utah should allow same-sex couples to adopt

Utah's law banning adoptions by gay and lesbian couples and unmarried straight couples was a deplorable codification of bigotry in 2000 when it was passed. That hasn't changed.

But after eight years the law has become an illogical anachronism, considering the results of new studies, and it should be changed. The number of same-sex couples who are raising children increased by a third from 2000 to 2005, and the body of research showing that children raised by homosexual couples have no more problems than those from homes with a mother and a father has also grown.

Rep. Rebecca Chavez-Houck, D-Salt Lake City, is carrying the banner for equality during the current session of the Legislature in the form of House Bill 318, which would lift the adoption restrictions, while stating that the Legislature prefers that a child be adopted by a parent or parents who are legally married.

Winning passage for the bill will be an uphill struggle against conservative forces, but it is a battle worth fighting, for the sake of children who need permanent homes with people who are their legal parents.

The Williams Institute based at the University of California Los Angeles estimates there are 53,832 gay, lesbian or bisexual Utah residents. Among them, there were 4,307 same-sex couples, up nearly 1,000 from 2000.

Nineteen percent of those couples are parents, raising a total of about 1,226 children. They may be the biological offspring of one spouse. Robbing the other parent of the ability to legally adopt the child leaves that parent on shaky legal ground when it comes to daily parenting duties - doctor visits, talking with teachers, signing documents - and in the event the couple were to split up.

In other cases, these couples simply want to give a good home to children, sometimes needy children who have been in foster care.

Growing up with two lesbian mothers or two gay fathers may require some explanation, but evidence shows such children are at no more risk than those from traditional homes. The American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics have all stated their support for same-sex couples adopting.

Only two other states - Florida and Mississippi - block homosexual couples from adopting. It's time Utah joined the majority that allow it.

***

Amen.

The Hands that Held Her

I had an appointment today. You know, that awful 'once a year' appointment you have with your OBGYN. I dreaded it on many levels but the biggest was that I haven't seen her in a very long time.

The last time I saw her she was sitting in a courtroom testifying on behalf of me & Gracie. It was 2004. She was testifying to the fact that "yes, they did have the child together" and "yes, Keri was there when Gracie was conceived and at every pre-natal appointment and at her birth and so on".

It was humiliating for me to ask all these people to "vouch for me" for something that was so intricate in my every day life. But my ex had told the court that I was nothing more than a roommate. -that she boarded a room in my house and that sometimes I would "babysit". The reality of it was more than I would wish on anyone. Each person who spoke for me, including our doctor and Gray's pediatrician, made an impact in my ruling which resulted in the next 2 years I was able to spend with my daughter.

But back to today.

I walked in and the nurse took me back to the room to get all naked and nervous. I realized immediately that I was in the same room that Gracie was conceived. Up came the tears. I remember every moment - every moment. It was the third try - and it was a charm!

I sat and waited for about 5 minutes. I saw her when I walked in so she knew I was there. I wondered if she was uncomfortable. I mean, it has been four years! I had her refer me to a specialist the year after my hearings so I literally have never talked to her since that day in court.

She came in and knew I was nervous. She immediately sat by me and held my hands. My first thought was that 'those were the hands that first held my daughter'. She held her as she entered this world and then she turned to me and lay her in my hands - like a gift. Those hands that held mine today...those hands... I broke down and started crying.

She said she had kept up on my battle through the media and through common patients. She knew how it ended and I didn't have to explain anything. I couldn't if I tried.

It's amazing how long it's been and how much it still hurts. When I think of her and how close she once felt to me, I crave knowing what she would feel like today. - what the weight of her would feel like laying on my chest. -what her hands would feel like inside mine.

I miss her. I always will.

Christmas Eve

It's early in the morning and I thought I'd better start this post now or it won't happen.


This time of year brings such joy for me. As a Christian I feel extra emotional, knowing that this is when we celebrate the birth of Christ. As a daughter and sister and Auntie, I feel grateful because I seem to see my family about every other day or so through the month of December. As a partner, I count the Christmas' we've spent together as milestones and I feel lucky for each year that she's chosen to spend with me.


Last year, I spent this entire day with my daughter. I've relived the day a million times so I can seriously document every thing we did from morning 'til night. We laughed and sang. We cuddled and "watched a show". I held her in my arms after we spent a rainy day at Sea World. She fell asleep on my left side with my arm wrapped around her. I played with her during her bath and then brushed her hair. I helped her put on the new Christmas dress I brought her and got her ready for church. I kissed her. I hugged her - probably twenty times. Before she and her other mother dropped me off and drove away I asked her, like always, "how much do i love you?" and she said, "forever." It would be the last time I saw her.


I think about her today and there's probably a similar ritual happening. I miss her with every breath but I also count her as my greatest blessing. Pain/Beauty. The fact that I spent over five years with this fantastic, brilliant, funny, bull headed little miracle is something I'll always hold so tightly. And today, every year for the next many, I'll think about the perfect day that was one whole year ago and wish - every wish I can hold - for her to be happy and healthy and surrounded by goodness.


I love you Gracie girl - my whole life.

A Little Explanation

I have gone back and forth around leaving up the video of the mother of her and her awful attorney. I considered deleting the word "awful" because I thought for a minute that I shouldn't say something too personal about him on a place that's so public. But then I remembered all the stuff he said about me on the video. All the things they both said. And I feel like I could add a few more descriptive words and I'd still be way ahead of the karma game.

I wondered if posting the video would hurt your feelings. I mean, it's obviously personal for me but these might be words you've never heard about your families. Maybe you've never been called a "legal stranger" or "nothing more than a babysitter". I hope so. But I wanted you to see what they say about you - how much less they think of your family and mine. And I suppose I wanted you to grieve with me and be sick at the thought of people thinking of them as champions.

I think about what she said - that I always resented Gracie... Like I all of a sudden jumped out of the bushes to fight to keep a child that I never even wanted. Now I know what she'll tell her as she grows. But I don't worry about that. She knows I love her. I never saw her without telling her I'd do anything in the world for her. As they pass this video from church to church to raise money to fight cases like mine, I wonder if any of those church goers think it's odd that I would take such steps for a child I never wanted. I like to think people can see through that thick black eyeliner. I like to think they can tell she's an actress and that she's spent her life changing skin for those she'd like to impress upon.

There will always be a few that think of her as a miracle. She lived in sin for so many years - poor child. She never had a father - that must be what happened. I bet her adoptive dad would love to hear that. She never felt pretty so, of course, she "became" a lesbian. It's the most absurd thing I've ever seen. I watched her cry and thought, "she doesn't cry like that" - but what do I know about her? How do I know how she really cries?

And when she talks about y(our) children having mother after mother after mother - she's really talking about her own history of a million failed relationships. Three marriages - two before mine that she somehow failed to mention. Don't let her make you feel like you aren't whole and genuine. Shine that mirror back at her - at all of them.

This video answered every question I ever had about what went wrong with us. Every question she couldn't answer or that I didn't dare to ask was revealed there and, in some ways, I'm relieved. I'm relieved to know that whatever change happened in her, happened ("before") when I started asking. Selfishly, it feels good to know the timeline instead of feeling like I had been crazy all that time.

But none of this leaves me peace around Gracie. It just pummels me until I ache - knowing the eyes Gracie looks into are just ... vacant - a shell of the woman she once was. I'm worried that she'll hear words like she was "created out of sin" and not love. I fear that she'll spend the next ten years being raised by robots - people who preach hate and intolerance. And I'll spend the rest of her life showing her what it really means to love all God's children.

Do I sound intolerant? If I do, I think I have enough good karma to work with for a while.

Forgiveness (I might be preaching a little)

If you've read here for a while, you know this word has been a common thorn for me. I pretend to let things go and try to move forward but then I hear myself say things like, "except for them" and "I guess I deserve that". I remind myself daily that I can feel whatever I feel but that holding on to what ails me, dampens my spirit and keeps me from feeling whole. But then I give myself permission to keep holding on to it. It's a vicious cycle.

I've thought a lot lately about things I count as "unforgivable". - certain people who made it their priority to separate me from my daughter, certain people who will punish me until the end of time for something I can no longer say I'm sorry for, myself for a million little things that weigh so heavy in my heart. 'Tis the season for forgiveness and I still can't grasp what I wish for most - to begin again without holding or placing blame.

Like a twelve year old, I look at myself in the mirror some days and see an internal tantrum. I'm still mad. I still have thoughts that cling to my shoulder muscles and wake me from my sleep. I'll hear someones name and I'm angry in an instant as though I'm back in the courtroom, listening to hateful words and lies - even people I've already "forgiven" can bring me right back there.

I'm reminded every time I turn on the radio that what we wish for will be granted by simply saying it out loud. Not in a "click your heels" sort of way but by prayer. Whomever you pray to or wish to, if you do and once you do, you're forgiven. If I made a mistake and I'm sorry, I say I'm sorry. I let it go and "it's as far as the East is from the West". & if I don't, the bible says I'm insulting God by asking for forgiveness twice. - that I'm not trusting in Him to forgive me the first time I asked. In God's eyes, I am perfect. He would know, right? :) My mistakes are part of my free agency. He asks that I do my best and be my best. I try to keep a positive spirit - live my life in a way that makes me proud to repeat it.

So why can't I do this? What are they rules around how long it takes? Because I actually feel pretty good until I realize that the result after my "ask" still leaves me without her. & then I go back to punishing myself & grabbing back all the "forgiveness" I've doled out - because it starts over and it's a vicious, endless cycle. And maybe it doesn't start all the way over but you get it.

It's almost been a year. And a year ago I thought this day would never be. I thought I'd see her every Christmas, every New Years, every "all the time" - forever. & I get stuck with knowing where to start living differently. Or maybe I've already begun but I don't like it. Maybe that's why I can't let the bad stuff go - because at least it's part of her. It's just big and I'd like to give it all away. Maybe I'll send it to one of those people I haven't forgiven - for Christmas. :) See, I can still be funny.

But this I know:

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and then discover the prisoner was you."

I'll still work on it.

Killing Time

Man. Long day. It's only Monday, right? I wonder if this is telling of the week I'll have.

Life is busy. There is much to do. All. The. Time. Right now I'm dreaming of steeping some tea and bathing with lavender salts frothing around me. Instead I'll take Cristy who just walked in with chocolate covered strawberries and cinnamon almonds.

Cristy has "business stuff" tonight and tomorrow night. That leaves me with time to fill up. I'm embarrassed to say that anything more than a couple of hours doesn't bid me well. In fact, she actually makes me fill the time so I don't leave myself room to get into a funk.

So tonight I decided to use it to visit my mom - the greatest woman on earth. We sat. We talked. We had dinner. She is everything wonderful you would find in a mom. Sometimes I look at her and I feel a little anxiety - knowing I might not be that great. You know? She's had a lot of living. She had three kids under the age of 3 by the time she was 22. She married terribly young and spent the next twenty years fighting to keep it. I wonder how she and my dad ever made it 37 years. But then I remember, it was all her. She has held us all through so much. She lives and breathes every day with the loss of a son and a grandaughter but she only talks of both of them with smiles and as blessings - she's never a victim. She's amazing.

My drive home was full of tears with a familiar song from last Christmas. I knew I'd have more time alone when I got here and I was anxious thinking about it. But as I walked through the back door, sweet Tori was at my front door. A bit of an angel? Yes. She just might be my longest "friend" and when I get to talk to her, I enjoy every minute of it. She stayed until just minutes before Cristy walked in.

Isn't it funny how things just work out? Like getting to eat stawberry's in bed near a lavender candle maybe?

I'm on it.

That's My Truck - or whatever.

So I haven’t been sleeping well. I think I’ve been too cold to sleep. And when I lay there awake, my head is full of a million things. I worry about situations that require deep thought. And then I try to find a solution with my eyes closed. This week I’ve pondered ways to heal a broken heart and heal a tired head. I’ve worried about my walk (& many of yours) through the upcoming holidays and what we’ll all look like when it’s over.

We had another non-bio support group last night. One of the women sat with us through her daughter’s fourth birthday. It’s the first birthday where they haven’t been together. I wondered how she did it. I watched her and waited for some kind of implosion. Heartbreaking.

I thought about how I felt missing Gracie’s 3rd birthday and remembered how painful it was. The only thing that kept me above water was my pending court case and luckily, it was almost over by then and I saw her just two months later. But this girl won’t see her daughter. And her daughter won’t see her mother. Not in two months, not in two years. She has moved to 'somewhere Carolina' and is now being raised by her other’s mother’s new husband. And I don’t know if that’s any more difficult that your child being raised by another mom - another anyone. It doesn't matter. The point is that someone else has stepped into her shoes and is taking her to school, feeding her dinner and brushing her hair. Again, my thoughts went back to Gracie.

Is there someone else caring for her in my place? I like to think it's impossible to replace the kind of love I have for her. And is it selfish that the very thought of it makes me sick to my core? I’m sitting here begging for any little part in parenting this child - a human I love most in the world and someone else can walk in, develop a relationship with her mom and take my place – just like that. And of course I want her to be loved. Absolutely, I encourage you all to love her! But when I think about it, it still hurts. That someone else could be wearing my shoes and holding my brush and baking my cake and telling my stories and dressing my barbies and wiping my tears...

And I know, some “anonymous” person will chime in and tell me that I should only wish for her happiness and that if the mother of her is happy then Gracie will benefit 10 fold. I get it. Please don’t say it. & don’t think I don’t wish/pray for their happiness and health in every prayer and every fountain. Every day and every night. I do. But you get it, right? Straight/Gay/Whatever. It’s someone else, right? Isn't there a country song that says something like, "there's some guy driving MY truck that's parked in My front yard and he's playing with MY dog"... or something? I swear it's a song. And you know who would know? The mother of her! That's who would know that song and she'll read this and think, "well, you should've done this or you shouldn't have done that..." But she hears me. As you read this, she's reading it too. And I don't want my truck back or my yard back. I want my daughter back. & if you're allowing someone else to love her 1/2 as much as I do, I simply beg you not to replace me.

I said "ever" and I meant it.

Perfect Weekend.

How nice it is to be home for hours and hours and leave only for terribly important things like a lovely high school play, dinner with new friends and lots of hot coffee!

Today was dedicated to Christmas!! & decorations! I can never have too many. So now you're saying to yourself, "there's no way she actually put up decorations..." Well friends, I didn't just do that - I put up my TREE! I think I had a tree up last year on November 1st. I waited 10 days later this year so if you're wanting to tease me, keep that in mind.

I know, I know. Everyone is bothered because Christmas comes "earlier and earlier" every year. But it couldn't come early enough for me. I love every minute of it. I don't care if I hear Jingle Bells in October. Sometimes I turn it on in August.

In fact, I sang carols as I decorated today. I tried to put on a fancy show for Cristy (leg kicks, jazz hands, etc.) during one of my favorites but then I remembered doing the same thing last year with Gracie and my smile turned to tears in an instant. It's funny how it's always right at the back of my throat. One wrong turn and it's hours to recovery. But I managed. It passed and I hung her stocking where it will hang ever year from now on. It's perfect.


So here's a picture of our masterpiece. Our first tree in our new house. It's beautiful!


And very soon, I'll blog about something like this:

"Twas six weeks before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring EXCEPT for a MOUSE!"

Better Hands

Thanks for the comments on my last post. Seriously, if I met someone who was in need of friends, I'd tell them to start a blog. :)

As I have slowly inhaled my way through the last year, many things have brought me peace. I am truly blessed with a loving family & home, supportive friends (here & in the tangible world), music & lyrics and also a very strong faith in God. Not often do I share this here but the last few days have brought music to my head that I'd like to share with you.

Do any of you ever turn on your radio and hear a song that fits perfectly in the moment? Or better, do you ask for it and happen to get exactly what you need from two or three lines of a song? It's ministry in music and I've come to depend on it a bit.

Lately, I've heard the following song often and maybe that's because it's so beautiful and everyone else wants to hear it too but I also think I hear it to remind me that I'm okay. We're all okay. And we're better off because we're here together, sharing what's right and what's wrong. It has always reminded me of Jesus - and most songs do. But today when I heard it, it reminded me of you.

We all go through so many trials with bumps and bruises that might not ever really heal. And whether we're trying to conceive and it's just one big losing battle, or we're waiting for babies coming from across the ocean, or we've lost pregnancies/babies/children while we're waiting for all of the above, or we're dealing with health problems of someone we love more than all the world...we are held so tightly among each other and stronger for it. So whether you give the credit to Jesus, your lucky star, Buddha or your best girl - it's about being held and being safe and I feel blessed so, thank you.

Here are the lyrics. If you want, listen & read as you listen. It's worth it, I promise.



It's hard to stand on shifting sand.
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night.
You can't be free, if you don't reach for help.
And you can't love, if you don't love yourself.

But there is hope when my faith runs out.
Cause I'm in better hands now.

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down.
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground.
So take this heart of mine, there's no doubt,
I'm in better hands now.

I am strong, all because of you.
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move.
I am changed, yesterday is gone.
I am safe from this moment on.

There's no fear when the night comes round.
I'm in better hands now.

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down.
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground.
So take this heart of mine, there's no doubt,
I'm in better hands now.

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down.
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground.
It's like the world is silent even though I know it isn't true.
It's like the breath of Jesus that's right here in this room.

So take this heart of mine, there's no doubt,
I'm in better hands now. I'm in better hands now.


Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you.
Jeremiah 1:5

With God in your world, you aren't an accident or an incident; you are a gift to the world, a divine work of art.

Celebrate Good Times!

It's Wednesday night and I'm about ready for bed. This blog has been terribly boring of late because I have simply been consumed with elections. Well, it's over. I'm happy to say that we came out very well. We have an amazing new Mayor and two amazing new councilmen. And almost as big as that, school vouchers Failed! :) Yesterday was a good day. Mostly.

Yesterday there was an op-ed written to my city's newspaper. It was written by a man from Arizona whom I've never heard of. He's aligned with the organization that represented the mother of her so you can guess that he didn't speak very highly of me. He, of course, said that it's not possible for me to be a parent to Gracie - we're not "related". And that if anyone thought I was, they must also think that it's fine if a "live-in boyfriend of seven months or so" claims right to someone else's child. I could go on and on about why this is so absurd. I could scream the facts at him. I could tell him that I picked our donor to fit MY characteristics. I could tell him that I went to every prenatal visit. I never missed a single doctors appointment. I sang to her, bathed her, fed her and rocked her and now she's not seven months old - she's SIX. Six. But I don't need to tell him any of this. It won't make a difference. He doesn't see me. I have hate inside me for this man that I pray will go away. But still, nothing hurts me more than this part:

"The issue was not denial of visitation to an 'aggrieved parent,' but instead was sleight of hand to advance an agenda that seeks to redefine the family until it has been reduced to meaninglessness. "

I am sick and tired of bad people saying this is all just part of a grand agenda. I'm sick of them acting like my entire goal was just to dissolve the "natural family" or ruin marriages for all my hetero friends. I'm sick of it because it distracts from what this did to my daughter. It leaves her name/her person out of it and that's when I can't just sit by and listen. Instead, I'll respond. I'll call him a liar (without using those words) and I'll tell you here that we need to stand up and say they're wrong. We need to let them know that we fight for our babies because we love them and we're obligated to do so because we made promises before they were born.

There were over fifty comments after what he said. Most of them were people who thought just like him. Most of them could not understand why I would try so hard to take a baby "away from her mother". But I never did that. I would never do that to my daughter or anyone else's daughter.

That's what THEY did. They took my daughter's mother away.

Don't pretend to know me and my agenda. She has always been the only reason. Always.

Facing Demons

I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately...facing demons. I don't mean it literally. Mostly. But I've had some experiences this month that have really thrown me back into the nightmare of my battle for Gracie.

First, I spoke with her. That alone was facing the demon of again wondering every single day when/if I'll ever speak with her again. I also spoke to her other mother in a way that felt very peaceful, familiar and normal. Then I ended up back at the same courthouse where I spent years (many) fighting against hurtful/hateful people that I never even knew existed. And today, I sat before the Utah Supr*me Court Justices that changed my ruling and took my daughter away.

I was attending a reception for my friend that just received his law degree. They swore him in and continued to talk about justice and ethics, equality and righteousness. I had no idea they would be there and listening to the Chief Justice brought a heaviness in me that left me full of tears. She stood up for my daughter. She, alone, cared about her and not the law. She, alone, said her name. It mattered to her what my daughter would lose. But no one else. The others that sat on that stage today never said her name - never thought about the loss.

I stared at them and wondered what it must be like to make decisions like that. Do they look out into an audience and know that they've changed a life sitting right before them? Do they wonder about her and how her life might be now?

In a strange way, I feel like I've been full circle. I suppose something else could happen that would prove me wrong.

To keep the ball rolling, I called her. No answer. She hasn't answered since that day and it breaks my heart every time I try. And it makes me question what I did right the day she picked up the phone. How can I re-do that?

I miss her. It seems like planning for another baby makes me ache for her so much more. I miss her being my baby. I miss the idea of knowing how happy she'd be to have a baby sister. I miss the funny things she says. I miss her lisp and every "l" word that starts with a "yu" sound. I miss her perfect little lips and squinty rootbeer eyes when she smiles. I miss the way she tantrums. I miss her poorly painted toenails and fly away hair. I miss her prayers. I miss her songs.

I miss you baby girl. I miss you tonight. And I'll miss you again tomorrow. I wish I were lying next to you and running my hands through your hair. I wish I could wake you tomorrow and spend Halloween trick or treating with you. I will think of you a thousand times. I will think of every costume you've ever worn and know that this year, you'll be a beautiful Princess...again.

Sweet dreams.

I'm going to be Old one day.

We spent the weekend with old people. Cristy's mom, of course. And with my grandmother, who turned 80 on Saturday. We had an open house reception and it was full of people I didn't know or that I hadn't seen for years. I was reminded of how old eighty is. My grandparents just don't seem that old to me. But then I see all their friends and hear them talk of people that have passed - it's just odd.

My mom & aunt put a video together of their lives and, of course, it included some awful pictures of me. I had a good 3 years of really just looking ratty. Remember when we used to bleach our levi's? Remember when our hair was puffy? Yeah, those are the days I'm talking about. & do you think I smiled EVER back then? I don't think so. Was I too cool to smile? Or was I just permanently bitchy? There were pictures of my brother who passed away and it's so strange that he's frozen in time like that. I mean, I can look back at pictures and cringe but I know there will be others that prove I learned how to do my hair and smile when asked. As I've said before, my brothers are twins. My living brother grew up to be a terribly handsome 30 something with good hair and good clothes. But my other poor brother is frozen in time with bleached levi's and colored sweaters. Adorable, but frozen. This is a lesson in always trying to look your best in photos. :)

And then the pictures jumped to me & Gracie. Her little face smashed up against mine. Her hair short then long. She was beautiful. Everyone commented on her every time she came up. I heard, "oh! She looks like you!" over and over. And she does. And it's not just the chubby cheeks. And it's not just her hands.

So I started thinking about that. And I wondered, if we decide to adopt or if it's decided for us, will I miss out on the "she looks like you" or will (s)he look like me/us anyway? Everyone says that Yegs looks like Cristy. Is it mannerisms? Is it that big noggin? You decide. Still, it's something I think about and wish for.

I used to dream of this little dark haired girl on the shoulders of my partner while I walked next to her, holding her hand. She was sticky with cotton-candy hands and I would somehow be watching us from behind. I never saw faces but I knew it was us. I knew she was mine. It never mattered that she looked like me - just that we were a family. But I love it when people tell me I look like my mom or my brother or my nephew. It's connection, definition.

In reality, it doesn't mean a thing. We are a family. We will continue being a family no matter who is added to our lives. What matters is that we get to this baby making business already! Bring on the meds! Bring on the bills! This crock pot is not getting any younger! In fact...

I will be another year older in exactly one month! I do believe I've aged much more than that this year but I expect to be given some extra time in my eighties to make up for these last many months. When someone throws my 80ith birthday reception, please be sure the bleached levi's photos were mysteriously lost in the fire. Or something.

btw, Christmas is 57 days away. And I'm listening to Josh Groban - Noel.

A blessing, not a promise.

Isn't it crazy how things can so quickly seem wrong? - how one day can be great and the next not so great and then suddenly you're no where even resembling great?

I'm having a bad day and it's still pretty early.

It's been a week since I talked to Gracie. Part of me thinks the joy I felt that day should've lasted longer. Or lasted, in general. But I'm back to feeling worlds away from her and her life, maybe even more than I was before the call.

I remind myself every day that the phone call was a blessing, not a promise. I say that to myself over and over. It was what it was. I've prayed for months for the opportunity to say what I was able to say and I feel blessed to have had that chance. But it wasn't enough. Of course, it will never be enough.

Some of you have wondered if it would actually make things worse - harder. And I suppose I don't have a solid answer to that because all of it feels bad on this day. Some of you have questioned the intentions of the mother of her - did she send the email to hurt me? ...to rub in what I'm missing? Did she have Gracie answer the phone to derail any progress of healing I was showing on this blog? I don't know what to think. My heart wants to discount everything you're saying and believe she's trying to reach out with no intentions other than to see how it feels and where it goes. My heart also knows better and knows not to trust itself when it comes to her.

And so it goes.

Face to Face

So the idea is to start a support group. You know, for those of us in this awful situation of either having lost our child, in the process of losing our child or waiting to see if we're going to lose our child. The idea floated around a few months ago and was brought up again the other day. I guess it's time. There's obviously need for it.

I started this blog in hopes of keeping open communication between non-bio moms in my situation throughout the county. Some of our cases are now over and others are still pending. Some have won and other have settled. At the time of my ruling, I didn't know anyone here who was in my same situation but within days of my ruling, that changed. Now there are 7. 7 women in this very city whom I've spoken to in one way or another - some I'm close to and others I only know through phone calls or emails. Either way, they all think it's time we meet in the same place. Face to face.

I have mixed feelings about us all meeting in one place. As much as I love the idea of supporting each other, I have fear that it could somehow make it worse. Believe me, in no way do I feel like I'm healed or even closer to healing than I was 9 months ago. But I also really try not to focus on what I've lost. I just hold it quietly and when I fill up, I do what I can to let some go. But when I let myself sit it in, I'm consumed. I think about everything that went wrong and how unfair life is and how I will never truly be able to explain this to her.

The best thing I see happening is sharing information on what works and what doesn't. How do you get to sleep at night? What argument did your lawyer use? Who is your lawyer? How did you pay for your case? Wen do you say when? How long is too long? What I'm afraid of is everyone telling their story and having it be a big, sad experience where everyone goes home feeling worse and more lonely and more afraid than when they started.

Somehow I wish we could all be together and have one big cry fest. Just once. All of you - even those way over there in the middle & on the east coast. I miss you somehow when we're talking of meeting. And not seeing your faces seems unfair. I almost said, "you should start the same kind of group where you live" but then realized there probably aren't any others like you where you live. My
ruling made other people like me. I created monsters. Not me, really. But my life. Really.

I want time to pass quickly. For others, I want time to stand still. But I guess, while we wait, we wait together.

Guess who talked to Gracie?

You read it correctly. Yesterday was the best yesterday I've had in a very long time.

I typically call the mother of her a couple of times a week. Sometimes I leave a message. Most of the time I hang up at her voicemail. Since December 24th, she's never answered. Not once. But I call because I want to remind her that I'm always here, I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to forget. So yesterday I called and it went like this.

Her: "hello?"
Me: "who is this?"
Her: "this is Gracie!"
Me: ...in shock!!
Her: "hello? Keri?"
Me: ...

I was stunned. It took me a couple of seconds to say anything. I thought, for a minute, that Gray had answered and her mom didn't know. But then I heard her voice in the background, telling her to tell me about her birthday and about...her. I asked her if she knew who I was and she said, in a silly way, "ker-i!" I just started blurting out anything. I told her how much how miss her - how much I love her and how I think of her every minute. I asked if she knew that I miss her everyday and her little voice said, "yes" so softly. I asked her about her birthday, about her kitties and anything else I could think of. She told me stories about the boys singing to her for her birthday and how she cooked her pendant into her rainbow cake. It was perfectly lovely.

Then I talked to her mom for a while. The first thing she said was, "I'm not going to talk to you if you're going to put what I say on your blog..." But I assured her you were all wonderful and that I'd never give out her personal info (of course) and that THIS is the only place I talk about THIS stuff. If I can't talk here, I can't talk anywhere.

She seemed well. She said she was healthy and that things were going good. I didn't know what to ask and, to tell you the truth, I was scared to death. At times I would realize I was still on the phone just listening to the background. I couldn't remember what I had asked and what I didn't. I still can't. I'm not sure if we sat in silence - waiting of the other to speak. I was so afraid of her hanging up.

After a while I asked if I could say good-bye to Gracie. She called her back to the phone and we exchanged "I love you"'s and "I miss you"'s and we hung up the phone. I hung up. I sat and stared at my phone. My co-workers said I was beaming. I felt so full.

I heard her voice. I told her I love her. I felt like I could reach right into the phone and feel her little hands or see her smile when she told her stories. I keep looking at my phone in awe that she was actually right there. It was heaven and she hasn't left me all day.

I love you sweet girl. Every day - my whole, long life.