Wonderful Dreams

We're wrapping up a great weekend, once again. I'm looking forward to heading upstairs and sleeping soundly. Our new blinds let my beauty sleep soak in until 9:14 this morning. I think that's about to become a habit.

But my dreams...

4 of the last 5 nights have been full of wonderful dreams. I've dreamed of holding Gracie while she slept, hugging her so tightly with her hair blowing against my cheek and then swimming with her and watching her wave her magic wands through water. The water one has happened almost every night. But just feeling her in my arms and seeing her face so closely has made me remember how wonderful it was. And how badly I miss her.

She turned 6 1/2 on Friday. For some reason, I always remember that. I'm guessing the mother of her did as well. I know she's loved. I know she's cared for. But you know how you just feel like no one can do it like you do? Not that I was always perfect. But I know I love her in a way that no one else does/can. It's just something special that I hope to always hold.

We have this cool digital frame thing that, like me, you all got for Christmas. It goes through about 200 pictures and I watch it like a movie. Many, if not most, are pictures of Gray. I just sit and stare at it and I realized that all the years I watch it, she won't grow. She won't age. God knows I will. I'll be gray and wrinkled and she'll stay this beautiful little girl. I have her Easter picture out - still. It's the last professional photo I had taken of her. Again, it will be there every year. Maybe year around. It'll be Easter and Christmas at our house forever. What do people think? I guess I care or I wouldn't ask. After my brother died, no one took his pictures down. He has stayed 13 for twenty years. Is it the same? Or am I crazy and just trying to hold on - or not forget?

I'm tired. My whole house is already asleep. But before I go, we did the "random insem" today. I hate to make it sound so unimportant but it's just a way of making me feel like we're not wasting time. We can't see our new doctor for our next round of IVF until later this month. Why do nothing, right? & maybe, just maybe...one of those little guys swam his hardest and decided to hang around. We'll see. Either way, thanks for hanging around to find out.

Am I Chronically Medicated?

I woke up with a migraine this morning. I should have stayed in bed a while but I thought I'd be a trooper and annoy my co-workers with my pain for a few hours in stead. I like to think I don't get them very often but it seems like it's happening more than usual.

I got a terrible one in DC. I'm not sure if I included it in my details for all of you but it was bad news. I blamed it on flying because I blame everything bad on flying. But it went something like this: I started the day ready to float around Capitol Hill but not like a bird - more like a girl with a jet pack. We had so many appointments lined up and I was really excited for it. But then it struck - like lightening to my left temple! (did I mention I'm a total drama queen?) I made it through all the meetings but I couldn't speak during the 2nd to the last one and I could see by the time we left the last Senators office. I was OUT. -1,2,3,4,5....KO!

Today was nothing like that. I was miserable for about three hours then broke down and took some meds. My medication makes me feel bad in a whole other way - It hurts to breath through my nose (& who doesn't breath thru their nose?) and it impairs my speech - like I'm drunk. But after being laughed at for a while, I recover nicely...for a drunk. :)

I'm wondering though, have any of you had more serious migraines with fertility meds? Although that even seems crazy because right at this moment, I'm not medicated! It just seems like, since last June (our first transfer), I have had increased headaches. Just wondering.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well. I wanted to leave you with a beautiful picture of Humphrey's in San Diego and remind you all that I'll be there in just 80 days - me, C & jbeeky - with drinks in hand, of course. Oh, & did I tell you we're on row 2? That's right folks, just inches away from my favorite girl with a guitar/banjo/large stick or whatever she's holding.



ARay, just 80 days 'til we meet again...

One Day at a Time

Life is kicking along. My week has been full of change & movement. We moved to a new office - the Gays are Growing in Utah! We more than doubled our last square footage and the new space feels like we're finally in a place we can call home. It's really lovely. I'm looking forward to hosting our community there.

And big news for me, Cristy surprised me with another planned vacation. She came home Saturday morning and asked me if I'd like to go to San Diego in June. And then she told me that the Ind*go Girls are coming to Humphreys. I realize many of you have not experienced those two things together and that's why I'm promising to take a million pictures to share it with you. But one of my favorite parts? I finally get to meet my favorite fellow blogger, jbeeky. I can't wait to see you, dear. And hug you and share our ARay passion!! We still have a couple of months but that gives us more time to plan for a perfect 5 days!

We've made all the appointments we'll need to get on with IVF#2. It's crazy to think that it's happening again but also crazy that it takes so long. Our appointments don't begin until April 21st. And we'll have a new doctor because our other doctor can't begin another round with us until June. June. And thank God for tax returns after paying on a new mortgage. We're lucky ducks to have the opportunity for another chance.

And the last thing I wanted to share with you is that finally, today, my phone rang. I've been waiting for almost a week and you've all been so great at giving me advice and just letting me express my feelings. My cousin called today. I heard her voice and she sounded wonderful. She cried the whole time but it felt good to just sit with her. She was quiet and I spent some time catching her up on new marriages and new babies.

My life was so different when she left. I was just 25 years old. I mean, my life hadn't even begun. Everything "big" was still years away. I had never been in love. I hadn't had children. I still had my cute green Cabriolet. :) And then I spent time listening to her past, her regrets and her fears. It's all so surreal. We talked about just taking a day at a time. She knows I'm afraid to dive in and I understand her need to stay safe. It's just crazy that it's all here, right in front of me. I came home today and unloaded a bunch of old emotions on Cristy. My counsin's past brings up a lot of old garbage in my life but it's healing and luckily, C is a great listener.

I feel so thankful and blessed. ...Because she took the step and because you have all been so supportive.

I'm a Swinger

Still nothing. Like stale air I just sit here and wonder what is happening with my body. I'm still waiting for cd1 and it looks to be nowhere in sight. Maybe I've begun my own personal summer. :) (I've always wanted to put that in writing.) Maybe my body is trying to tell me that it's tired of me filling it with chemicals so it acts according to the script I write. My head is tired too. As is my heart.

Cristy met me at home early yesterday. She called my boss at 2pm and requested he boot me out the door. It was very sweet, actually. She took me to a movie to hold my hand for two hours. She reminded me how special we are and how this is just a small piece of what our lives will hold. She knows I have issues at failing with this. My last relationship took a huge blow with the fact that I couldn't conceive. Not because of her, but me. I held the blame back then. All I could think of were the promises I had made - that I would carry the rest of our children. But I never could. This time, we share it. We share the process as much as we'll share the result. It feels beautiful and safe and reassuring. And it makes me all too excited to get there.

It's crazy to want something so much and not get it. I'm not a spoiled brat or anything but I don't think the average Jane waits this long for anything. I mean, I've been there before but ttc is a whole new ballgame. Typically you can work toward something. Like, you try for months and months - even years - then you should get closer to the goal. I mean, you're trying that whole time. We must be getting better at it, right? Closer to it actually working?

Maybe it's like softball. I played that damn game for 3 years when I was small. I showed up at every practice, swung at the ball and aimed my mitt to catch pop-ups. But I never got better. I was terrible. The poor coach of the Green Machines, my team, finally just asked me to stop swinging. I had better luck to walk. He was right.

ug, that sounds pathetic. Don't worry, I'm not that down on myself. Sometimes I just wonder when it is that I'll move on to another "way". We talk about all of our options and I feel so fortunate that we have so many. But right now, this is the one I choose.

I'm swinging, damnit.

I'm Out

I broke down & tested. My body still hasn't told me a single thing. I had a tiny bit of spotting yesterday but nothing since. But the glaring single line told me everything I needed to know.

Just wanted to throw it out there so you weren't wasting wishes over here. I'll be focusing mine on those of you still waiting and pleading for yours again in just a little while.

xo.

Holding My Last Breath

I really am still here. I really am wondering every second of every day if this is finally the cycle that said yes. Every day that goes by gives me tiny bits of hope. At the same time, I've been here before. Not to sound like a Negative Nancy but it's true. I can fool myself like no other. And today, I can feel the signs of af at every turn.

Signs? (wait, I don't believe in signs)
I had very odd cramping on 11dpo. I actually thought I'd start that day.
Sore boobs. But that's normal for me when I'm medicated.
A very large grumpy bone yesterday at ShopKo. But that could be my new no caffeine rule...
See? And here I am, days later and I got nothin'! Sigh.

It's now 15dpo for me. But sometimes I can be tricked until day 17. You'd think I'd break down and take a damn test but something in me likes to keep the possibility as close as I can for as long as I can. Foolish, I know. Cristy threw a test at me every time I came near the bathroom yesterday. I considered it. It was fun teasing her... but considering the possibility of a "negative" made me decline. Am I losing it? Have I just been doing this too long? Tests just aren't my thing! It's like I want everything ruled out first. I'm sure there's no sense in it, really.

This time, this cycle, I had it right. I'm sure of it. Peaked on cd16 at noon. Inseminated at 2pm on cd17. I felt every little egg that dropped from my clomid filled ovaries. I was certain it would catch just one.

Either way, no matter how this one ends (& there will be a certain end Very soon), I'm not quitting. As my dear friend K said, you can't win if you don't play.

Not much to see here...

I'm 10dpo and feeling fine. No symptoms that I can think of - just trying to get through the last few days of not knowing. I really do okay until the last inning or so. No testing until day 14 - ever. & even then, I usually just wait another day or so. But now is about the time I start second guessing every little twinge or pain.

I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I haven't done that in a long time. Looking at the positive test seemed very real. Somehow after the test, I saw the size of my uterus. I sat there, checking it out and imagine how tiny my little baby was in there. It's was like a large roma tomato. I think I even touched it. It's gross just to write it. In my dream I started telling people I was pregnant and even had maternity clothes in my closet. I half woke and actually questioned what was real.

...

I don't believe in signs. Cristy will say that's a lie. She'll say I only believe in bad signs. I spent a long time thinking everything "good" was a sign. Pete's Dragon, Land Before Time, half moons - just to name a few. But now I think of it all like fiction or stories for fairy tales. Signs are what you find when you're looking too hard. I realize this makes me sounds ultra romantic. Kidding. But I like to think that, while I may be a little jaded, I live in real life and know not to expect the unexpected.

At the same time, I don't want any of you to assume that I don't have a mouth full of hope every single minute of the day. Hope is different than assuming or simply just "feeling it". I hope all. day. long. I am dripping with hope.

So...just a few more days and I'll have my answer. And I'll stop this game for another couple of weeks. And I'll drink. Big. (that's about two drinks max for me!) Then I'll start again because that's just how positively ready we ARE!

***

I thought you might all want to see this story. I'm not sure why. I guess I just thought of your jaws dropping just as mine did and it made me smile.

Woman sits on boyfriend's toilet for 2 years Deputies said a woman in western Kansas sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years, and they're investigating whether she was mistreated.

And here's another one you must see. I'm sure you all heard the horrific words from the Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern. This is a snipet from Ellen's Show today. For being so non-political, she sure has found her voice lately... Love it!

On to the Big House!

Law and justice are not always the same. When they aren't, destroying the law may be the first step toward changing it.
-Gloria Steinem

We leave tomorrow morning for DC. It's a work trip but I'm certain we'll visit all the tourist sites while we're there. ie. The war memorials, The cemetery, Abe. It's more history than we can possibly relive in 4 days but we'll try.

Cristy has never been. & the last time I was there I was with someone else at the end of our relationship. If there is ever a reason to re-do a trip, that is it! So we'll go and we'll lobby our Federal government for all the is right and just. And then we'll come back here and relax because tomorrow - TOMORROW - is the Last Day of our Legislative Session!! Wha-hoo!!

My terribly sweet co-worker brought me a bag 'o goodies to celebrate the end of our 40 day nightmare. In it included a ribbon that says, "I Made It!", a stress ball, Tylenol, a cold pack, etc. It was such a nice "end to my session" since I actually left today. :) Thanks, L.

And on to my tww...

We did our insem on Monday. Sorry I'm just now getting around to posting about it. We used the last of our donor up there so if it doesn't work, we'll be on to a new (& improved) gentle man with Hispanic heritage, 6' tall, dark brown eyes - know anyone? kidding. So we're in the big wait and I'm doing fine. We had perfect timing and after the round of clomid, I'm certain I felt every egg drop. We'll see if the rest of me cooperated.

I hope you're all having a beautiful week. I'm looking forward to getting outa town again and being farther than just a drive away. I'm not, however, looking forward to the plane ride. I swear I've seen more crashes or almost crashes with planes than I've cared to see the last few days. Anyway, enough of that.

I'll brag a little while I'm gone, I'm sure. If not, know that it's because I'm changing the world.

Again, kidding.
xo.

3/4 Sleeves

It's raining. That means that spring is coming. In honor of the "coming" part, I'm wearing a pink shirt without long sleeves! Wha-hoo! I just love the time of year when people start showing skin!


Speaking of showing skin, how 'bout that LWord last night? I mean, there wasn't much skin but still - what a great episode. I'm always about 2 minutes away from 'never watching it again' but last night seemed to redeem it for me. I heart Tasha & Alice so I'm certain it's my favorite episode so far this year. I don't want to give too much away but I will say that it ends with many overdue kisses!

We had a great weekend. I was heavily considering a sick day today to extend it but I figured I'd had enough rest. Or maybe I was worried my medication would kick back in and I'd be a raging lunatic like I was Sunday morning. I don't think C would be able to so easily tell Anyone that she hasn't noticed my meds yet. Nope. I put an end to all that "she hasn't changed at all" conversation.

Before the rage of Sunday, we had a wonderful gathering with so many of YOU! One of the Utah bloggers hosted a lovely little gig to welcome Holly. It was so great to meet her in person and also see so many others that we rarely see. There were truckloads of babies - like a mormon reception center - but these ones were well dressed and & stinckin' cute! (that's the clomid talking) I figure if I needed to rub elbows with some fertile women, I was in the right place. SO, thanks to these girls for hosting. I loved every minute of it. Yeager too!


As for the Oscars...I don't have much to add. My favorite part was having Freeheld win the short documentary. It's beautiful and if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. I also loved John Stewart and didn't love Cameron Diaz. Why was she there? Anyway, unfortunately I haven't seen very many of the movies. I ended up just voting for the best dress. & even then, there weren't that many that were worth wishing for...


Hopefully you're all having a great Monday. We're about a week away from our insem so wish C luck over the next few days. How long will I feel crazy? I think I'm actually feeling a bit more normal today...or is that my manic mind doing tricks on me. :)

Day Four...

Okay, I'm thinking this Clomid is kicking my ass. This cry baby that has taken me over is just not me! I mean, I'm usually the first to cry at a commercial or episode of Little House but I can typically control myself until the room is clear. Let me think....it hit yesterday around 2pm. I think I've had tears behind my eyeballs and that hard swallow in my throat since then.

I had a work function last night and when I walked in, a co-worker asked me to come sit down by him. You'd think I could've just sat down like a normal person but I thought I'd throw in a little bonus for him and cry my eyes out. Why, you ask? No real reason. Everything just hits a little harder when I'm medicated. This med seems to bring out the worst reaction. My dosage is only 100 so it could actually be worse! Oh God, please bring courage to those that surround me...

So far Cristy has deemed me a Saint(ress). She never admits when I'm "too much". Maybe she'd tell some of you but she'll lie to me until I demanded differently. I guess that makes her the Saint! :)

Getting home last night, I decided to check in here & also visit some of you. I found you all responding to my last post and noticed that, once again, we had an intruder. I won't talk much about it but I will say that any of you who come here to complain or listen to me complain about ttc or any old thing, are welcome. The comments that were left were deleted and not just because they hurt me but because I don't want any of us to have to read words that make the battle feel like it's our fault. I could ask this woman to go away but we all know that will just egg her on. Anyway, thanks to b & googie for putting up your dukes! I love you both to bits!

My dukes are up too. Beware. This girl is medicated.

Am I Still Ticking?

It's Tuesday. I need a vacation. Or a nap.

The last week has filled me with a rush of emotions. The rally was amazing and exhausting. By Valentine's, I was a big puddle of mush. Cristy made me a fabulous crab dinner and I think I was snoring by 8:30. I tried to make it up to her the next night but honestly, I spent the whole weekend T.I.R.E.D.

I appreciate all the love around the anniversary of Gracie's ruling. It still seems strange that that much time has gone by. And I do take pride in the fact that I'm still breathing and fighting and waiting. Getting through that day felt healing.

I realized with all the hustle of last week, I never updated you all on our baby making process. As you may have guessed, it wasn't successful. Truth be told, I was so completely busy that I barely thought of it. Seriously. I didn't test and Cristy actually had to remind me of my dpo. I knew I had missed my window. I never felt confident but I would've been more mad at myself if we didn't at least try.

So. Another try has begun. I started Clomid yesterday and I'm bound & determined to get the timing right. If it doesn't work, we are ready for another round of IVF. It feels good to have a plan - to know what's next.

So far, the meds have been good to me. Many years ago I spent too much time on them with too high a dosage. I was a mess. But my second day has not lead to any deaths or lost friends. That's all I can hope for, right?

Really, I'm praying hard for this time. Really hard. In fact, I could use a few of yours too.

A Whirl Wind!

These past few days have been crazy for us! Aside from the Primary, there have been meetings and work events and now even More snow! I think we're like 200% of normal in the water range and while I'm grateful for enough water, ENOUGH all READY! Sheesh!

Something interesting...yesterday I was back in the Utah Supreme Courtroom. I even sat by my lawyer, just like old times. But this time I was there supporting one of our best girls. I worried that I would be messy - like my eyes would tear up when the elevator doors opened and I'd be sick to my stomach when I saw the Justices. Instead, I feel strong and partially healed, knowing I sat before them and still appreciate what they do!

I watched all of them during the arguments and it felt good to know that even though they got it so wrong by Gracie, they would get it right this time. They were smart and even funny at times. And our best girl was brave and resilient and the day felt successful - like she accomplished something bigger than most ever will.

Did you know that less than 1% of all people actually sit in a courtroom because of their own case? How weird is it that the two of us - two people who sit in the same kitchen over dinner once a week, ended up with a Supreme Court case? I think it's rather odd.

Anyway...So how 'bout that Primary? M'Cain & Clinton! Who knew? Well, I suppose she isn't quite there yet but what a great race! & finally, Romn*y will fade away. He actually ran away with 85% of our Republican vote. Insane. We're obviously off track from the rest of the country - off on so many tracks...

And just so all you know, last night our City Council passed a Domestic Partn*r Registry by a 7 - ZERO vote! How great is that? Incase that doesn't sound like big news, let me remind you that Romn*y won with 85% here. :) It really is very exciting and my heart was full and fat with love listening to all those "yes" answers. Beautiful. Maybe I'll ask Cristy if she'll be my Domestic Partner. I'm so romantic.

I'm ready for March. Or April. ...when we can ride our scooters to get an iced-tea at 8 o'clock at night. And we can plant some flowers and fill the bird feeders and I can wear skirts with no tights. I want the windows open when I clean my house. And I want my dog to smell like perfume after her bath, instead of just wet dog.

Plus, I want to be pregnant.

Seven years ago today Gracie was conceived. It's strange to think about but I set this day aside to remind myself of such a miracle. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I were pregnant now? & I could have a baby somewhere around her birthday? (but she was super early and I don't hope for that) Either way, I'm thinking of her today and knowing that her other mom is celebrating her right this very minute.

Post Insem

We decided that since we can't do another round of IVF for a couple of months, we would go back to doing regular insems to pass the time. That doesn't make me sound very hopeful but it does seem strange to go from IVF to something so simple. It's like going from an ipod to a tape recorder. But sometimes those tape recorders work really well! :)

So I surged Thursday morning. It's been a while since I've had to pee on a stick. I saw the dark line but it didn't seem dark enough. When I got home that night, I knew I should've tested. I sat around, watching Lost and eating pistachios - all the while my little egg was making it's way down the hill. I tested again Friday morning and it was gone. Is that normal? I mean, it wasn't totally gone but it was pretty 'gone'.

I spent the whole next day upset. I cried all the way up to the Capitol. I'm just so disappointed that I didn't pay good enough attention. It's a whole month. - an entire month that we could be closer to getting it right. But we did it anyway. Friday night, after work. I'm certain I was a day late but I'm still happy we went through with it.

And now we wait.

I am committed to this tape recorder for at least another month. I want to get it right, even if it's just one, good month. After that, we plan to do another IVF and just hope for no OHSS. Ugh.

But this morning, right before I woke up, I had a dream about college. My friend J and I were sitting through a lecture and I was saying to her that 'if I failed, I would switch classes'. And 'if that didn't work, I would change schools'. She told me that if I had enough faith, I wouldn't be making a back-up plan. And when I started waking up, I could still hear her saying that.

If I had faith, I would stop making back-up plans.

Shake it Off

This was my theme for the day - to shake off the muck that smothered me yesterday and fill up with the hope that bathed over me today.

If you haven't yet read chicory, you should. From a person who isn't already a bit jaded by the "justice" of this State, it's worded perfectly.

She, along with her beautiful family, joined me and many other parents at the Capitol today. We arrived with about six other families and by the time we left, we had secured enough nods to get our bill moved to a committee. Big news! Exceptionally big! & I felt so incredibly proud to be surrounded by these mothers who were there simply to ask that their children be treated the same as their legislators children.

At one point, I was standing aside and watching a mother, holding her son, with tears runnning down her face. And I thought, "how can he look at her and say no?" And he didn't. It was real lobbying at work. It was a citizen asking a Public Servant to look a little closer and listen a little longer. It worked.

I'm home now. My breathing is less heavy. My head is less full. I'm getting ready for an insem that I thought would not take place due to my level of stress. But it's happening. And maybe, just maybe I'll create a child while my heart is full of hope and pride and love for all those mother's that came today and created another step forward.

Congratulations, ladies. Your children will be proud.

Keri vs Britney

I went to the grocery store today. You know what that means, right? Yes, that I got to read all about Britn*y Spe*rs buying a pregnancy test with her latest boyfriend. Splashed across the cover were things like, "She's having another one!" & "A little sister for ? & ?" Whatever. I'm still bitter.

But then I thought about her and (because we all know her so very well) I realized I would rather slit my wrists than have her life. I'm not sympathizing - just saying she's made a nightmare out of what should have been a very creative, active, giving, happy life. And I want more than that.

Sure, I'd like the money she has. I could buy a lot of beautiful things for countless beautiful people. I'd also like the body she has. But she'll be thirty-seven one day and all "that" won't sit so high. I might like the attention for a while - maybe. But I have a lot that she doesn't have. You too, right?

I have family that doesn't call Dr Phil when I throw a tantrum. I have a partner who adores me and it's not because I let her ride my coattails and make some Gawd awful rap album. Cristy? Rap? And I have an amazing job where I'm encouraged and supported and guided through the good days and bad. (we even throw in a few dance moves every now and then too.)

So even though she can get pregnant on a whim - she's got nothin' on me. OR you.

Pitty Me

So a while ago I announced that I was on cd1. ...a Way Long While Ago. I believe my full cycle was about 38 days and now I'm feeling like a dud. We rushed into tracking and I think I actually ovulated much later than I originally thought and now I feel cursed with waiting six weeks to see what happens this time. Yuck. I am currently bothered that I'm a girl and that I must deal with a flunker of a reproductive system.

About 1/2 way through, I started having terrible pain - almost constant pain. I felt like my ovaries were growing like during the old OHSS days. And maybe they were. But why? I have asked "why" a thousand times this cycle... but here I am on cd2 and tracking every move I make. I will most certainly have it down by the end of February. Oh God...February. And in the meantime, back to the doctor so she can tell me that nothing is wrong and that it's certain to happen any time now. (minus the fact that we haven't agreed to do an insem...)

The big plan is to do another round of IVF in March or April but those months feel like years from now. We might get a little tricky in the meantime but can I tell you how tired I am of waiting for this baby to get here? I mean, I put it out there years ago. I admit I got tired of trying and took a long break. Was it too long? Am I too old? Was I always too old?

I'm back now. A changed life later and still waiting. I'm getting less picky by the minute. I no longer plan insems around the month I'd like to give birth. I don't care about the gender of my child(ren). I haven't even looked at the donor stats in months because I don't care if he's brown or green or if his eyes are blue or gold. Well, I care because this child will be my green skinned, gold eyed wonder but you know what I mean. This girl is not picky. But she's sad. And she's scared that the dream of it all is feeling farther and farther away.

"Jupiter" far.

Weekend Wrap-Up

The weekend is winding down with just a few more hours to go. I'm about to head upstairs to watch the first LW*rd of the season - hoping Bette and Jodi get back together and that Tina gets whisked off to London on some urgent, very long assignment. I'm not a fan until she gets back to being Randall Dean. I suppose if you don't know what I'm talking about, you're simply not as gay as I am. Poor you. :)

Our weekend has been nothing short of perfect. We've had some beautiful storms and our yard still looks like Christmas. However, we have removed all things Christmas from the house so it's now back to clean lines and no clutter. Loving every minute of it. Have I told you lately how much I love our house? ahhh...

I have to tell you a very funny story from Friday night. Yegs came walking in the kitchen and announced that he can't wait until he gets hair on his penis. What? Um, why? His answer went something like this: "because then I'll accidentally zip up the hair instead of my penis." Oh My God. I almost pee'd my pants. He has actually done this a couple of times - only once in my presence - but it's obviously happened enough times for him to be doing some future planning. I'm still getting used to this "having a boy" thing. Hilarious.

Hey - have any of you ever heard someone say "that scared the b'jesus out of me!" Because earlier tonight, Cristy and I almost saw a car wreck. After I said, "i think that scared the jesus out of me" and she made fun because she tought it was "b'jesus". My mom agreed but I'm certain you are all way smarter than them and you're going the agree that it's "the jesus" and not "b'jesus".

You can tell I'm a little over relaxed. Just bare with me.

Also, I wanted to give a very big shout out to our favorite Texas bloggers... B and K have been supporting my rants for a long time and they've been suffering through ttc right along the rest of us. Well, Saturday morning they got a wonderful New Year's present and I thought you all might want to be sure to show them some love! Very exciting! They've been through a hard time of late and I seriously think this is just inches from being a miracle! Love you girls.

Where are my happy thoughts?

Reading the last while, you would think I don't have any. I can't bare the thought of giving that video as much energy as I have. Let's be done today. Yuck.

Instead, let's talk about sex. Well maybe not. I don't think it bodes well for my G rated blog. Although, I think I may have lost my G rating once kj started commenting. :) And speaking of comments, thank you all for the comfort and validation. I always know where to go when I need people to nod in agreement.

But back to sex. I decided the other night that maybe it's good that I'm an infertile lesbian. Maybe the fact that sex doesn't have to be so clinical for me is a blessing. I mean, imagine having to time and temp at every saucy moment? And then realizing not enough time had gone by or that you're not "hot" enough. (I just giggled.) I'm obviously still very jealous about the "roll over and get me pregnant" thing that hetero's are blessed with. But then if you're hetero and infertile...hmmm. Maybe I'm speaking too soon. Anyway, those of you who can't just roll understand my point.

I had these thoughts because no matter how we make babies, there's never really romance involved. I was reading Chicory the other day and the entire scenario just proved this point...and made me pee my pants a little. The "baby making" part is simply so technical and organized (expect for the example I just gave - see above link) that there's not room for romance. I mean, you're naked, the lights might be dimmed but there's most likely not wine and because the end goal is just baby and not...well, you know - it's just not the same. I'd like to say I'll boycott but we all know we can have both. Or try for both. And hopefully get both but at least get one. Right? Oh God, I think I'm seeing stars. And I do know that it helps to ... (blushing) unless you're doing IVF. Then that's bad. Ugh. Enough.

You get it.

So here's wishing that we all have babies. And sex. And even if sex doesn't create babies, maybe pretending it did will lead to more trying.

Why am I talking about this again?

Babies & Birthdays

So...to try another round of IVF, we would 1/2 the meds. That's the (so far) advice of our specialist. By doing so, we run the chance of less eggs/no eggs. We only got 13 the first time with just 4 fertilizing so it makes me worry. Plus, let's be real - it's damn expensive! I almost hate to try again until we have more information. I know there aren't any guarantee's and I'm not looking for that kind of guarantee but I'd like to know whether or not I'll get sick again. If so, we'll have to do another FET and our chances go way down again. Y.U.C.K.

We'll keep talking about it. We'll also keep talking about all the other options. I so appreciate all the advice I get here, believe me. If it weren't for so many of you, Kerry in particular, I wouldn't even consider IVF again. We're kicking around a million ideas but they all include a baby in the house. No matter how - and don't worry, I won't do anything illegal...we will have a solution. I'm certain of it. And I'm going to do as Nerdgirl said and start making some demands of Santa. I hadn't thought of that. :)

Onto happier times...tomorrow is a good day! It's the day that my very dear friend was BORN and can I just tell you how happy it makes me? She is intelligent and funny. She's beautiful and compassionate. She has raised incredible daughters and married an equally wonderful woman this very year. This year, I believe, is her best Ever and even though she wishes her birthday didn't exist, it exists to us and there is more light in our world with every birthday she has.

So...a day early, as not to make a fuss ON her birthday - I wanted to wish E the best day ever! I love you dearly and can't wait to celebrate you this weekend!

And after such a nice, long weekend...

back to work.

I loved having so much time off and so much time at home. The house is clean, the laundry is done and I even got to watch a couple of movies. We had a ton of time with family and friends and now I just want it right back. I can never get enough.

Some of our friends were in town for Thanksgiving so we had them over Saturday night. I haven’t seen them in a while. The last time they were here, I was with Gracie in Texas. I haven’t seen them since the ruling and their first questions was whether or not it was okay to talk about. Yuck. I tried to keep it quiet and Cristy was so great about moving the conversation in another direction.

They have a 5 year old little girl that was so fun! She went up to the nursery/spare bedroom/Gray’s room and started playing with her things. I was nervous at first. I hold that room as hallowed ground sometimes. But I loved having little girl energy in there and in the house! She and Yegs played so well together - until they crashed. He SO needs a sister or brother!

And I can hardly think of anything else. I sat at the computer for way too long over the weekend - searching sites, researching possibilities. Sometimes I wonder if it's really going to happen. We're nearing the first steps of trying again and part of me cringes at the emotions it brings. But aren't I living with them anyway? I mean, I sit here consumed at the thought of getting pregnant/getting a baby. What am I waiting for? I say my body needs more time to heal but aren't I just going to get sick again anyway? What are the chances of OHSS not happening the 2nd time? Kerry? Anyone? Part of me thinks something was wrong and they wouldn't do it like that again. My estrogen level was over 8000. Surely, something "wrong" triggered that.

& there are other options. We can lie through our teeth and adopt. It's illegal to adopt in my state if you aren't married...but living with someone & having sex. I know, odd. But that was their way of excluding the gays without actually saying it. It's a Morm*n thing. That's how they communicate. Ask Cristy's family. So we could lie and say we're not a couple. Or we could use an agency out of State and hope nobody thinks twice about where we "found" our child. It's all just frustrating and I don't know where to begin.

For now, I'll keep thinking and dreaming and wishing for a possible solution.