...On To Big Girl Talk!

Well, how fun was that? I felt like a bunch of my best girls were sitting around a camp fire telling stories of 'way back when'. I have lowered my expectations and I suppose since the rest of us were kissing at 12 & 13 (or younger...), he'll most likely leave this party with a kiss or two. Wow. How much more strange will this feel when it's Yegs having his first boy/girl party? So weird.

My past fews days have been a bit crazy. This time of year means full days and evenings for me. There's a lot going on with our local legislative session and we're gearing up for some big battles. One of these is dear to my heart and it makes me think of Gracie with every breath. Had she been protected by our laws, we wouldn't be apart today.

My State carries an adoption ban for anyone "cohabitating" and not legally married so I wasn't able to legally adopt her. Most of you know this but I just thought I'd throw it out there for added info. We will now start the uphill battle to erase that restriction, in hopes of protecting our children from people like the mother of her - and there are many. This is only one thing is does.

The restriction not only makes it impossible for lgbt people in committed, loving relationships to adopt or foster, it also makes it so we can't legally protect the children we already have together - the children we create together. It's really a terrible law and I'm kind of stunned that we've stood still and allowed it to smother us for so long. 7 long years.

So on Monday, I'll host a meeting at my house and hopefully we'll be nearing the ending stages of getting people involved. We've held three other meetings and still three more coming. If you are in this state and you haven't attended yet, please consider it. You can email me privately and I'll give you the details.

Happy weekend everyone!

Visitation Case Continues for Utah Lesbian

This article was published today and I thought I'd post it here - knowing there are locals who read here that need to know ... more.

Gina is part of our non-bio support group and she is one of the bravest girls I know. If you know someone who threatens their partner by using my case or has hurt their child by doing what Gina's ex is doing to their daughter, please say something. Not here. But say something! The pressure should not be about Gina setting a bad precedent. It should be on her ex for creating this case in the first place.

We must support each other. If you're interested in helping out locally, send me an email and I'll get you started.

Love you, G.

That's My Truck - or whatever.

So I haven’t been sleeping well. I think I’ve been too cold to sleep. And when I lay there awake, my head is full of a million things. I worry about situations that require deep thought. And then I try to find a solution with my eyes closed. This week I’ve pondered ways to heal a broken heart and heal a tired head. I’ve worried about my walk (& many of yours) through the upcoming holidays and what we’ll all look like when it’s over.

We had another non-bio support group last night. One of the women sat with us through her daughter’s fourth birthday. It’s the first birthday where they haven’t been together. I wondered how she did it. I watched her and waited for some kind of implosion. Heartbreaking.

I thought about how I felt missing Gracie’s 3rd birthday and remembered how painful it was. The only thing that kept me above water was my pending court case and luckily, it was almost over by then and I saw her just two months later. But this girl won’t see her daughter. And her daughter won’t see her mother. Not in two months, not in two years. She has moved to 'somewhere Carolina' and is now being raised by her other’s mother’s new husband. And I don’t know if that’s any more difficult that your child being raised by another mom - another anyone. It doesn't matter. The point is that someone else has stepped into her shoes and is taking her to school, feeding her dinner and brushing her hair. Again, my thoughts went back to Gracie.

Is there someone else caring for her in my place? I like to think it's impossible to replace the kind of love I have for her. And is it selfish that the very thought of it makes me sick to my core? I’m sitting here begging for any little part in parenting this child - a human I love most in the world and someone else can walk in, develop a relationship with her mom and take my place – just like that. And of course I want her to be loved. Absolutely, I encourage you all to love her! But when I think about it, it still hurts. That someone else could be wearing my shoes and holding my brush and baking my cake and telling my stories and dressing my barbies and wiping my tears...

And I know, some “anonymous” person will chime in and tell me that I should only wish for her happiness and that if the mother of her is happy then Gracie will benefit 10 fold. I get it. Please don’t say it. & don’t think I don’t wish/pray for their happiness and health in every prayer and every fountain. Every day and every night. I do. But you get it, right? Straight/Gay/Whatever. It’s someone else, right? Isn't there a country song that says something like, "there's some guy driving MY truck that's parked in My front yard and he's playing with MY dog"... or something? I swear it's a song. And you know who would know? The mother of her! That's who would know that song and she'll read this and think, "well, you should've done this or you shouldn't have done that..." But she hears me. As you read this, she's reading it too. And I don't want my truck back or my yard back. I want my daughter back. & if you're allowing someone else to love her 1/2 as much as I do, I simply beg you not to replace me.

I said "ever" and I meant it.

Celebrate Good Times!

It's Wednesday night and I'm about ready for bed. This blog has been terribly boring of late because I have simply been consumed with elections. Well, it's over. I'm happy to say that we came out very well. We have an amazing new Mayor and two amazing new councilmen. And almost as big as that, school vouchers Failed! :) Yesterday was a good day. Mostly.

Yesterday there was an op-ed written to my city's newspaper. It was written by a man from Arizona whom I've never heard of. He's aligned with the organization that represented the mother of her so you can guess that he didn't speak very highly of me. He, of course, said that it's not possible for me to be a parent to Gracie - we're not "related". And that if anyone thought I was, they must also think that it's fine if a "live-in boyfriend of seven months or so" claims right to someone else's child. I could go on and on about why this is so absurd. I could scream the facts at him. I could tell him that I picked our donor to fit MY characteristics. I could tell him that I went to every prenatal visit. I never missed a single doctors appointment. I sang to her, bathed her, fed her and rocked her and now she's not seven months old - she's SIX. Six. But I don't need to tell him any of this. It won't make a difference. He doesn't see me. I have hate inside me for this man that I pray will go away. But still, nothing hurts me more than this part:

"The issue was not denial of visitation to an 'aggrieved parent,' but instead was sleight of hand to advance an agenda that seeks to redefine the family until it has been reduced to meaninglessness. "

I am sick and tired of bad people saying this is all just part of a grand agenda. I'm sick of them acting like my entire goal was just to dissolve the "natural family" or ruin marriages for all my hetero friends. I'm sick of it because it distracts from what this did to my daughter. It leaves her name/her person out of it and that's when I can't just sit by and listen. Instead, I'll respond. I'll call him a liar (without using those words) and I'll tell you here that we need to stand up and say they're wrong. We need to let them know that we fight for our babies because we love them and we're obligated to do so because we made promises before they were born.

There were over fifty comments after what he said. Most of them were people who thought just like him. Most of them could not understand why I would try so hard to take a baby "away from her mother". But I never did that. I would never do that to my daughter or anyone else's daughter.

That's what THEY did. They took my daughter's mother away.

Don't pretend to know me and my agenda. She has always been the only reason. Always.

Gina.

I wrote this blog a few days ago but haven't had the heart to post it. I feel like a broken record some days and this day is no different.

Back to bad news.

My friend Gina, who shares my city and has shared her thoughts here on a few occasions, has been fighting for the right to see her daughter since February. The day of my ruling, her ex-partner cut off visitation between she and her daughter. The ruling gave her the ammo to take such action and unfortunately, the courts just gave her permission to use it.

She lost this round but she's a fighter. Her attorney is amazing and together they will do everything they can to get her back to her daughter. But for now, we wait longer than we had hoped. And more wounds are made that will have to be healed.

When will it stop? When will we stop hurting each other like this? When will we stop punishing our children to prove a point? Fine! You're the biological parent! So what? Explain that to a four year old. And I've said it thousand times and will obviously continue but please, do what you can While you can. Talk about what will happen should your relationship dissolve. And maybe it won't help anyway. It didn't help my daughter. But some day it will help some one's daughter. It has to.

I know I'm preaching to the choir. I think you've all heard this a thousand times but a new day comes and I meet another mom who wants to challenge the law with nothing other than emotions. I'm meeting with a woman today whose ex-partner just took their daughter to live in another state. She left and she has no way of finding her. And no defense. No contracts. No legal guardianship. No will. Nothing. What do I say to her?

...

The biggest loser in this situation is always the child. This little girl of Gina's woke up on Friday, February 16th, not knowing that my ruling would affect the rest of her life. While Gina fights to maintain that relationship, the other mother finds it perfectly appropriate to still frequent the gay bars every weekend, participate in Pride Day with a new girlfriend, new friends - her life goes on like she's done nothing. Her new friends don't even know what she's done. They think she's just making a decision on behalf of her child. But she's making a decision on behalf of all of our children and we just let her do it. If we can treat each other this way, how on earth can we expect the world to treat us fairly? But what can we do? Picket the bars? Chase her out of Washington Square? How do we put a face to this? How do we convince ourselves that this behavior is not acceptable?

I wonder if the mother of her knew the kind of ripple effect she'd be causing by her actions. I wonder... if she knew it now, would she change her mind? Tell me what to do. Tell me where to start.

We have to do something. Isn't there a quote that says something like "the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing"?

Let's do something.

Face to Face

So the idea is to start a support group. You know, for those of us in this awful situation of either having lost our child, in the process of losing our child or waiting to see if we're going to lose our child. The idea floated around a few months ago and was brought up again the other day. I guess it's time. There's obviously need for it.

I started this blog in hopes of keeping open communication between non-bio moms in my situation throughout the county. Some of our cases are now over and others are still pending. Some have won and other have settled. At the time of my ruling, I didn't know anyone here who was in my same situation but within days of my ruling, that changed. Now there are 7. 7 women in this very city whom I've spoken to in one way or another - some I'm close to and others I only know through phone calls or emails. Either way, they all think it's time we meet in the same place. Face to face.

I have mixed feelings about us all meeting in one place. As much as I love the idea of supporting each other, I have fear that it could somehow make it worse. Believe me, in no way do I feel like I'm healed or even closer to healing than I was 9 months ago. But I also really try not to focus on what I've lost. I just hold it quietly and when I fill up, I do what I can to let some go. But when I let myself sit it in, I'm consumed. I think about everything that went wrong and how unfair life is and how I will never truly be able to explain this to her.

The best thing I see happening is sharing information on what works and what doesn't. How do you get to sleep at night? What argument did your lawyer use? Who is your lawyer? How did you pay for your case? Wen do you say when? How long is too long? What I'm afraid of is everyone telling their story and having it be a big, sad experience where everyone goes home feeling worse and more lonely and more afraid than when they started.

Somehow I wish we could all be together and have one big cry fest. Just once. All of you - even those way over there in the middle & on the east coast. I miss you somehow when we're talking of meeting. And not seeing your faces seems unfair. I almost said, "you should start the same kind of group where you live" but then realized there probably aren't any others like you where you live. My
ruling made other people like me. I created monsters. Not me, really. But my life. Really.

I want time to pass quickly. For others, I want time to stand still. But I guess, while we wait, we wait together.

Leah

This post is dedicated to my dear friend Leah. She lives in a state that doesn't acknowledge her parental rights nor the rights of her non-biological son. She has spent the last year fighting to protect him and maintain a relationship with him. She just found out they won't hear her case - they won't give her the opportunity to be with him.

My heart is broken for you.

At the same time, I know you're strong and willing to do whatever it takes. Sometimes that means you keep fighting your way up the ladder and sometimes it means you sit still and wait. Whatever it means for you, I know you'll see it through and I know he'll love you more for it.

You are amazing. You are thoughtful and brave. You love him wholly and honestly and he will know of these long days. One day he will know.

In the meantime, please let this email be a reminder to do everything you can - while you can - to protect your kids. Legally, no matter where you live and what your laws are, write it up! Hire a lawyer. Sign your names to something that says your family's intent. Do it now. Don't wait. And don't think you won't need it.


On a lighter note, but still terribly important, if you're still on the hunt for someone to vote for next year, here's a little quiz that might get you started in the right direction.

http://www.wqad.com/Global/link.asp?L=259460

Just to clarify...

I won't take too much time here but I wanted to respond to a comment a few posts ago. Somehow I went back a bit and found it.

Anonymous said..."I wish you and your daughter the best. I wonder about another person involved in Gracie's story and that is her father."

I want to make it perfectly clear that my daughter doesn't have a "father", she has a donor. An anonymous donor at that. We chose, on purpose, to not involve a third party. Not because we have anything against father's or men in general but because we wanted to be clear that she has two parents, two moms.

I get heated about this subject for a couple of reasons:

1) because I became the third party in court.

Our sperm donor, who we'll never know, had a step up the legal ladder ahead of me and they used that tool as often as they could. In fact, my attorney argued something like "what if the parents were heterosexual..." and Cheryl's mom piped out "they ARE!" She included this man in the title of PARENT. She counted him, with my ex, as the two hetero people that parent our daughter. Explain how a donor can possibly be a parent?

& 2) because I'm now dealing with another case where the "donor" has decided he wants rights to "his" child after years of not knowing her.

Why? Because he all of a sudden wondered if she was okay? Because he knows, after my ruling, he has a chance? Because his new wife decided they should know all of "his" children? Y.U.C.K.

I suppose, like the rest of us, donors should really think about what a donor is before giving such a forever gift. & I know there are arrangements out there that work perfectly. I know there are exceptions. But this wasn't like that. If Gracie and Yeager's donors are out there wondering how they are and what they're like, I hope it's through grace and a full heart - not because they think of them as their children. Ew.

I want to be clear also, that I am so grateful for men like #Gracie maker who gave such a precious thing to people he would never know. To some, it's no different than giving a child up for adoption. For others, it's a simple gift to strangers. And even other's...40 bucks. Still, what would we do without them?

Let's Review...

I realized I never sent an update on Leah after I asked you all for extra thoughts for her. Let's start there.

Leah's day in court was Monday. The other side had filed a Motion to Dismiss so this hearing was in response to that. The Judge (or whatever they call them there) did not rule on the Motion. She said she needed to further read some recent case law before she made her decision. I think that, along with a few more things, sound very positive.

Where Leah lives, there is already high court case law that denies her right to fight for her child. That puts her in a pretty vulnerable place but she's decided that it's worth it. The Judge was sad that they couldn't work out a visitation schedule based on what's best for their son. In other words, I think personally she would like to see Leah remain in his life. She also set a court date in case she rules against the Motion. Good sign. And the best news of all, the other side's attorney said he would also like to see an agreement.

So, thank you all for the lovely words for her. I've talked with her a few times and I know when she reads here next, she'll be so happy that you're thinking of her.

Onto my last email...

You know how you have some days where you think and think and then you just explode? Well I've had many of those days of late and that's what finally happened the other night. And I guess sitting here and spilling it out feels safe because so many of you get it. And so many more of you at least get the "fear" of it. I just want to express my thanks to you for always coming back with some validating comment or email. There is definitely safety in numbers and you all surround me with comfort day after day.

And up to date...

Last night was Equ*lity Utah's big night! We raised many, many dollars to contribute to fair minded candidates this fall & we're all very proud of it. We, with the help of so many volunteers, threw a love fest for almost 1200 people! I walked into the ballroom and it took my breath away. My first tears came at that moment and stayed on call until about 11pm. It was the end of my first year working with the most amazing people. Our staff consists of three and we basically spent the morning hugging and kissing and reminding each other what it's all about. I love those boys more than the stars.

The event was inspiring - almost spiritual. Kate Kendell (National Center for Lesbi*n Rights) was our keynote speaker and she had everyone laughing and crying and laughing again. She spoke of my ruling and so lovingly spoke of Gracie and the impact on her. I'm not sure I was prepared to hear her name - nor did I prepare my mom - but it was sincere and real and I know how full her heart was in it. & honestly, I decided I don't hear her name enough. I say it in my head every day. I write it in these posts and some of you even write it back to me but no one says her name out loud anymore and I've missed the sound of it. I've been thinking of her so heavily lately and it made her seem a little closer.

All of my best girls were there and that made it even more special. Those of you who joined us, thank you so much. It meant a lot to have you there with us. I needed every last one of those hugs!

So that's my catch up. Now I'm taking five days off to get my head together and relax with Cristy, E&J and family. I'm so looking forward to all the downtime.

And in case any of you haven't heard the news, we have some TTC'ers who are no longer waiting! Sara and Merr have made it through the wait and are now glowing! I am so happy for you both and can't wait to watch you grow :)

We have a Winner!

& boy did we need it!

Today, one of the non-bio moms in this state, won her fight - and she won Big! We'll call her M.

M has a thirteen year old daughter who has lived in her custody for 11 years. Her "bio" mom is a nightmare and I can say that because none of you know her. She is unfit and unstable and un - just about everything you can think of. But still, she has that biology part that seems to run the show these days.

When the bio mom heard about my ex, she hired the same attorney and challenged M's rights to their daughter. M then proved standing after my visitation ruling but like so many others, she was threatened with the Supreme's ruling earlier this year. They took her back to court and said that because of my ruling, her standing didn't...stand.

Luckily, they went another route. They threw out the in loco parentis argument, knowing that's how I lost, and instead chose to fight using contract law. This, again, is why it's so important to create as many legally binding contracts as you possibly can. Cheryl and I had many, many different contracts but we didn't use that argument. Maybe if we had, it would've turned out differently. They had one contract and it was enough.

Of course this ruling will be challenged on appeal but this is a big step in a very positive direction. I care about this little girl so much and to know that she won't know the fear her mom has lived with this whole year is a very big deal. Kudos to you, M. You are strong & brave and I only see good things ahead. :)

***

Back to contracts...those of you who live in State's like mine - where you can't adopt your children - there are so many things you can do from Estate Planning, Trusts, Wills, Co-guardianships, etc. But don't forget to do a Parenting Agreement. Write up what will happen should you split up. Again, it can be challenged but it's one more thing and I'm not sure enough people know to do it.

Again, big day! Gina, you're next & I'm keeping everything crossed :)

Hard times...

The past few days have been hard. I've been getting press calls since the interview I did with Gina aired last Friday. I guess it's news that I've decided not to take my case to the Federal Supreme Court.

I actually made this decision before the ruling came down. It's no surprise to those who know my case. I was told that if we lost, it would take years to push it through the Federal Courts and I wouldn't see Gracie that entire time. Imagining the impact on her through this and then that is just unbearable. How can I justify coming in and out of her life over and over? & then there's the risk that it could do if I lost there too. Being responsible for that kind of devastation is more than I can hold.

But then there's Gracie. And it's not like I have any hope that I would win but will she believe I tried everything? If I could say I took the next step, would that be healing for her some day? There are no good answers and I feel overwhelmed with what has happened to her and what I should/could do about it.

I miss her. I miss the things I know and the things I don't know. I miss her sweet hands on my face and her chubby toes nestled under my legs while she sleeps. I miss her songs and her jokes. I miss the new songs and the new jokes. I send her clothes and I'm not sure what size she wears. I send Barbie's but there will be a day when that won't be what she loves and I'll miss the transition from barbies to big girl make-up.

I haven't seen her in six months and three days and that's only the beginning of a very long wait. And I'll remember everything and gather things she'll need to know about one day. I'll hold her tightly in my heart and hope she remembers to do the same.

And someday, some very strong woman will take a very strong case to a very good team of Justice's and we'll never have to fight to protect our children again.

"It's not as simple as DNA"...

I just got back from doing a morning radio show with another mom. It was our local NPR station. It was quick and mostly painless. The show is promoting a fabulous fundraiser for my friend Gina who is in the midst of her battle to bring home her daughter.

The host was great and seemed to really understand. He mentioned that he is a child of divorce and his parents have hated each other ever since. But the law protected him and I think he understood how unfair it is for kids like Gray, Madison, Randy, May, etc.

I wanted to just post something quick about tomorrow night in case any of you live in this God forsaken State and would like to support Gina and Maddie with your love and dollars.

Static Salon
380 W Pierpont Ave (between 2nd & 3rd S)
Starts at 7pm and there will be food and entertainment & everyone is welcome!
$15 suggested donation
or 3 for $40
& a silent auction and raffle for all the girls like me who can't bare to leave without a prize or two in hand!
More details at www.swerveutah.com

Please come. Show her some love!

Some Days are Bad.

Today has been long. I feel tired and sad and I wish I could throw myself a little pitty party with just me, a warm bath and a bottle of wine. Instead, I have just a few minutes before I'm off to a work function with a bright, smiley face and warm welcomes. We'll see.

I've written a little bit here about the adoption laws in this State. They are nothing less than disgusting and of course I wish we could get all of the 500K children in foster care OUT of foster care. But even more appalling and nonsensical is the fact that we can't adopt our own children. Bad enough that it's not just a given. Worse that you can't have what's already yours.

A situation came on the radar screen a few weeks ago. (& I will lie telling you about it as to not bring too much attention...) A child has been placed in protective custody because the grandmother that has raised her thus far, recently passed away. Her bio parents are not in the picture and haven't been for some time. There's an Aunt who has been close with the child who assumed she would come live with her once the grandmother passed. Well, timing was off and instead, the child was sent to a foster home. The Aunt filed to gain custody but was denied because she's also in a long term relationship with a partner of 12 years. They share a home and a car and a couple of cats. The State said No. See, you can be gay and adopt in this State but you can't be gay and in a healthy relationship and adopt in this State. It's absurd.

So recently, the Aunt took the State to court and has since won full custody of this little girl. Why? What makes her different? Why can this Judge do something that other Judges won't? If the State appeals...well, they'll look like assholes trying to take a child away from someone she loves. Does this mean we should just take every case to court and see which one turns out good?

I heard the news and my heart was glad. But also a little bitter.

I don't understand why this world works the way it does. I don't understand why my daughter had to be the test case and why she will suffer when other's won't.

The Judge said he was tired of these children losing the only families they know just because the law is badly written. My Judge said that too. & then he gave me my daughter for two more years until another set of Judges re-read the law and made it bad again.

I love hearing happy endings but today I'm just feeling bitter. I miss her so intensely. If I could leave this minute and get to her and bring her home, I would be happy. Otherwise, there's no bothering today.

Sorry.

Will Science Render Men Unnecessary

Known Donor vs Anonymous Donor...how much longer will we need either?

A few of us have been talking more and more about this subject. It always seems surreal to me. This article is far more sarcastic than the actual reality of it. But I thought it was fun to read.

Let me first state, however, that just because I'm a lesbian doesn't mean I would ever prefer a girl over a boy. I have experienced both a daughter and a son and, while very different, I would never say one gender is better or easier or prettier or smarter. The reason for wanting one over the other would have nothing to do with my preferring women over men. - just to get that out of the way.

The simple thought of Cristy and I making a baby together brings me such joy. Like 'way deep down kind of joy' that I almost haven't ever felt. I mean, we're trying to do that now but imagine if we didn't need to funnel through sperm banks or deal with anonymous or known donor talk. What if the sperm was created separately and there really was no third party? C-razy! & this has nothing to do with being a "man hater" or whatever else the Nazi's think of me. I love men - many of them. But you know, the thought of one naked in my very bed makes me cringe just a tiny bit. But of course there are covers and dark shades and lights that turn off so I'm certain many of you get by just fine. (i'm totally kidding)

My partner and I have spoke very little about using a known donor. I've always been 100% against the idea due to reading too many terrible court cases. (one right here, right now!) But after entering blogland and seeing how nicely it works out for some of you, I'm probably only about 86% against it now. :) Cristy is still 100% anti. & I get it. It leaves her way out of line in the legality of it all. But she's willing to hear the good parts as long as I don't forget the bad parts.

The good parts:

There would be not only a face but also a personality.
You would know so much more about the real things. Are they the reason your child is so ... ?
Blame. :)
When your child comes to you with the "where's my dad" questions, there would be a (sort of) answer.
There could possibly be another human who loves and adores your child. & you might love them back.
A potential babysitter.
Seems physically easier.

The bad parts:

Your child could possibly be related to five other boys in his home room class.
There's the legal stuff - in this State, he could come back for visitation rights.
People (family) might treat the donor with a title far too intimate that I'd like.
There would be another person who might love and adore your child as much as you do. (selfish me)

I'm really thinking hard about it. No rush. Just trying to put all our options on the hard, cold, baby making table.

Ask Questions and Demand Answers

I've been wanting to talk about this for a while but I've backed off in fear of igniting old wounds that I'm in no place to deal with. But today, it's not about me or the mother of her. It's about integrity and unity and community and I am angry.

Incase you hadn't heard, I am a lesbian. It's one of many ways to describe me but it's one of the bigger parts. It's added to other parts like: woman, feminist, lgbt advocate and activist and those are things that guide my soul and direct my life. No matter what I think of someone personally, the "whole" of the situation and the impact to my community matters very much.

So basically, I don't care if you want to leave your partner. I hate to see relationships fail just as much as the next person but it's not my business. Just don't expect my support when you abandon your child and refuse to keep promises you made to them. And if your partner left you for another man/woman, I'm sorry but I will never support you using that reason to take away another persons child. And I don't care if you have conviction to support current law as is, if it has negative effect on our children or our families, you don't deserve support or clout from this community.

If you know of a business or business owner who is hurting our families, don't spend your money there. Don't groom your dog there and don't donate money to organizations that allow this kind of behavoir. If you have friends who are considering taking away their partners child, demand differently. Demand that they explain their behavoir and if it's not good enough, please don't support it. Their are too many of us walking around this community after leaving our children or taking away our children or defending that behavoir in a court of law - it's disgusting and until we say it's not allowed, they'll still be there.

Scared of History Repeating Itself

Warning. Long. Long. Long post.

I want to be a parent. But do I need to be a bio parent? I have a non-biological daughter. I have a stepson. And we're trying to have a baby - our first together.

Recently, I have had so many conversations about bio vs non-bio. Many of you have been talking about this as well which makes me think it must be in the air. I've heard things like, "how do you know you love her the same as the bio mom?", "my partner went crazy once she got pregnant/had a baby", "because of your case, we've decided not to have a baby" and the truth is I have thought of all of these things.

It scares me to death to think of what sometimes happens. Will I be crazy? Will I obsess to the point of not letting anyone touch my child? Will I never want to work outside the home and be angry if I have to? I know that not many of you knew my ex-partner but I assure you, if you did, I think it would surprise you to know her reaction to these things. But the truth is, I noticed certain things very soon after our daughter was conceived. She had been Buddhist since I met her and suddenly, we needed to "find a Christian church". Her parents had always been distant but suddenly, she needed them. & after our daughter was born, she was totally in control.

Because she would be staying home for the first year, we decided she would pump so I could take part in those beautiful quiet moments of feeding. But, it didn't work out. It hurt and it didn't work. (i'm not trying to sound sarcastic...and certainly, in the moment, who was i to question?) So I backed off and just participated where I could. Our daughter was born very small (but healthy) so we planned to take it easy for a few weeks - stay home/no visitors/hunker down for the winter - but those few weeks turned into months and by the time most people met our daughter, she was three months old. Even then, my mom and two other friends were the only people allowed to hold her, other than us. But things eventually got better and all was well until that "one year" started approaching.

At that point, I started bringing up the fact that she should start looking for a job. It was the year after the 9/11 nightmare so things would be tough. My daughter was insured though my place of work but I couldn't insure my partner. That was something I pushed heavily. She has a blood disorder and requires medication and I thought that reason alone should be enough. Insurance! But the truth was, I couldn't wait for her to go back to work. I wanted our daughter to have time with other people and I wanted to have my own time with her. It was a mess.

Finally, another six months later, she got a job & hated every minute of it. It killed her being away. She worked four days. Our daughter was only in daycare three days but still - I'm not kidding - it killed her. She took the night shift at one point so she wouldn't miss Gray's waking hours. It was a big problem. People, mostly family members, started commenting on how her behavior wasn't normal and that she may be depressed. I didn't know what to do.

Gray stopped breast feeding at the same time. She became more independent and I started feeding her and putting her down more frequently. Now she could have a bottle, not just a boob. At one point, and very typically, she started to choose me for those times. And all you non-bio's know just what magic that brings to your life! Finally, they want YOU more! I could heal her wounds. I could make yummy cereal. I could rock her and sing her to sleep just as good as mama! She would call to "mommy" instead of "mama" and I was in heaven! Right away, I could see the anguish my partners eyes. It hurt her feelings and it broke my heart. To her, it was all my fault. I couldn't stand it. I was the cause of her pain. I made her go back to work and it was ME that took all that was special from her. I tried to get her back involved in her band but she would just cry during practice. If she came home at night and Gracie was already in bed, she would have to wake her up. She couldn't do it. She couldn't share.

We never got passed those times. I was either backing away from taking care of our daughter or I was in a competition with the woman I adored most in the world. Our relationship was over in the next six months.

I think about who she was before and who she became and it scares me to death. I don't want that to happen to me. I want to share this experience with C and I want our baby to be the love of her life. Along with all of our children. I want to create a family with my partner and have her just as involved in every little thing as I am. Knowing her, there is no other option anyway. She wouldn't back off if I squinched my nose tightly and growled.

Why wasn't I like that? Would I have lost either way? Or like my friend Leah, who noticed the behavior and still didn't back down - but she's currently battling for visitation.

What makes it happen? Why does it become a competition? When is works, because I know it does, why does it?

Are we similar?

I just got back from doing an interview on Radio Active. (a local, progressive radio show) The topic was something like "What does it mean to be a family?" How do we define family/parent? Who determines was a legitimate family is? Who can & can't participate? I was a guest, along with Kate (NCLR), Gina (local mom) and ... a bio dad. Interesting. The idea on the different perspectives was to point out that our issues are more about civil rights and not gay rights. And that by joining together, we're bigger and louder and will make more of an impact. Again, interesting.

Right away I could see right away there was misunderstanding amongst us. The dad thought we should all be focused on our rights as parents and not necessarily the rights of our children. He and his friends think that going the route of "best interest of the child" can actually hurt the parental rights cause. I'm sure he's right. What he doesn't realize is that we have no parental rights. The right to due process doesn't apply to us. In fact, we're not even allowed in the courtroom under the title of "parent". If we begin by asking for rights of our own, we start ten steps back from where we just LOST!

I know he means well. I've been speaking with him for a few months. His mentor has done a lot of speaking on my case and I've sort of become the gay example of a father in the "father's rights arena". Because there is bias against dads vs. moms, they think it's comparable to bio vs. non-bio. In many ways, it's true. As a non-bio, I was the financial provider and spent less time in the home. I did that so my daughter would not have to be in day-care the first two years of her life. I did that as a sacrifice for her. We made the decision together. We budgeted. It worked out and I'm grateful for it. But I was punished for it. In court they said things like, "you aren't the primary care giver" "you don't have the same bond as a stay at home mom would". I was punished for doing something I thought was best for our daughter. Dads too. Judges assume that dads aren't as emotionally connected and don't have quality time with their kids and it simply isn't fair.

Another take because now my mind is really going...

If a child is born to two parents and the relationship ends, why isn't first thought "50/50"? I mean, there is study after study saying if it's possible, it's best for children to have equal parent time. But still, most States (including UT) go right for that typical split which is usually about 11%. I'm not a dad but that definitely doesn't seem fair to me. If they're willing to have 1/2 time, why not? And if so, why child support? This gets sticky, I know. I know every situation is different and mine was definitely different. I never even peeped at my visitation schedule because I was grateful & desperate for every minute. And I also have never had a problem with paying child support. But what if I were able to be in Gray's life 1/2 time? What if we could do week to week like some parents and we were each responsible for that time? How would child support work then?

This dad, and many dads, are saying that child support is an "out" for their wives. I don't believe that's true. Maybe in some cases but I know that in many, dads aren't involved on a day to day basis and having the financial support is necessary. I guess I'm just trying to find a way to validate his argument and say that each parent should be given the opportunity to participate. And they should be obligated to step up after a split/divorce. We should have to keep our promises, routines and responsibilities for our kids.

Any thoughts?