They Remind Me

My best friend Jack sent these words to me yesterday. I wanted to share them with you...not to show off her talent or to depress you even more with my story but to really share it with those of you, like me, who might need a little validation through the battle.

Thanks for being who you are, Jack. "Jackie" was one of Gray's favorite words for a very long time. Mine too.

For your blog:

She is a Mother:
Beautiful and proud,
She holds the imaginary hand of hope
and walks toward the unsteady future,
praying for stillness, to remove the turmoil inside.
She is a Mother:
Forever, unconditionally.
Prescribed this title by God,
She has been denied by man,
Temporarily ceased from being,
She wants to be left alone,
Yet must remain engaged.
She is a Mother:
Steadfast and loyal,
Driven by courage, yet stifled by discrimination.
She is pure and honest,
Sensible and upfront.
She is a Mother,
Inherently ingrained with the qualities of such,
Naturally and gracefully.
She is my hero:
She is the reason I am here,
The reason I believe in Jesus and in love.
One can only pray for qualities like her's.
She is a Mother,
And also my best friend.

I love you.
-Jack

This one is from another non-bio mom in my State. She fights this fight with me every day. I know there are a few of you who deserve to hear these words from her just as much as I do. Ohio and North Carolina - hang in there. We are right there with you.

It is your sorrow that enters my dreams
and takes me captive in the night.
And there you are,
crushed by the weight of the world and its ignorance.
A warrior
that is tattered and torn by the courageous fight for its life.
A battle
that the gods of a society all too soon struck down with one violent blow.
And the sword of ignorance and arrogance
has fallen upon you, offering no compassion.
And in my slumber, I see you softly on the earth
with a flood of sadness running through your streets.
But, I know in this moment as I watch you,
that you are a spiritual warrior,
and your strength is as visible as your grief.
It surrounds you and is in you,
like it runs through the lifeline of your soul.
I know you are tired,
but your bravery is as strong as eternity is long.
For you stood fearless before the face of a savage society
For you
For me
For all of us
And we thank you for your valor.
And I know one daythe sun will rise on your horizon and warm you into a soft peace.
-Anonymous

An Old House to Grow Old In

A while ago I let you know we were house shopping. So much has happened since then that I haven't really updated you on the little things. :) You know like, buying a whole, big house with another human being!! All in all it's pretty exciting. We found a beautiful old house to grow old in and I really think this one's in the cards.

I should first say that it was born in 1896. Also, it's purple but soon to be green. And, the prophet of the Mormon church was born there...I swear to God. I'm sure he wasn't born in 1896 but probably not long after. They wait until someone's almost dead to let them speak with God. (but that's another story) So how funny is it that the prophet's birth house will now be smudged by lesbians? I know, full circle. For those of you not from Utah, I really can't explain it any further. :)

This house is amazing. It has so much character. It's aged, like good wine. Only wine with a few cracks in it and too many layers of paint. Maybe cheese would be a better example. But still, it's unique and fascinating and, in some ways, mysterious. It has a parlor for God's sake! How cool is that?

Yegs is thrilled because it has a tree house. Little does he know there's also a secret attic that will surely be magical to a seven year old boy. There's a huge yard for exploring! My hope is that there aren't any bugs but my guess is he'll find plenty.

But of all the neat things about it, my favorite is that I'm going to live there with C and that we're going to begin somewhere new and build lifelong memories. We won't be moving in without Gray in our hearts. We'll hold her close and let a new family build memories in our old house. In her old room. And some day, she'll see where we've been waiting for her.

Some Change is Good

You might have noticed that my blog has changed. There are some updates, photos, real names, etc. That's because it doesn't matter any more. My life is no longer a secret. I am grateful for this in some way but I'd trade it back in a second.

Some of you that email me don't have a clue who I am. I will tell you now - my name is Keri. My daughters nickname is Gray. Hence the title of my blog. My partner is C and her son, my stepson, is Yegs. We are currently a no dog family but I'm certain we'll be changing that when we get a new home and Yeager gets his way. We're also, as you know, hoping for a new baby and I'll be certain to introduce HER (or him :) when the time comes.

I wanted to get this out in a generic post so I can get on with business. I thought if I just started using names, without introduction, I'd throw you a bit.

So there you go.
Nice to meet you.

What Do You Say to a Girl Like Me

It's hard to be gracious on days like this. So many people call and email and I say, "thank you" and then I begin to cry again. No one knows quite what to say. "It's unfair", "what can we do?", "what's next?" My life has been in limbo for so long. I'm sure I've complained excessively over the years. But today, I pray for stillness in the moments when it was still a "maybe".

I miss her.

My ring tone is her voice screaming, "Mommy, telephone!" Will I ever change it? My partner stopped our screen saver of her pictures flashing through one at a time. She couldn't look at it without crying. I would watch it and get lost in each frame. I hear her voice at the post office, in the lobby, in my dreams. When will any little person ever call me "mommy" again?

I ache to hear her voice.

I sold my house. Finally, I won't have to walk by her room and remember her there. I won't have to wonder how I'll ever change it or fill it with another baby. It's her's, alone. I won't have to keep telling myself to wash her handprints off the window. I can't do it. Instead, I will remember the happy times in that house - when she filled it with noise and messes and tantrums and laughter.

I Am Re Mad

I am so mad today. I feel like my skin in crawling and there are needles in my head. I feel picked on or so much worse than that. "Picked on" sounds like someone laughed at me because my shoes didn't match. What I feel is so much bigger.

There are two kinds of people in my life right now. Those that are cheering and those that are tip toeing. Both are making me furious.

Senator Bell said that Friday's ruling was a "marvelous decision". How is it possible that someone would really say that out loud? I mean, even if they thought that lesbians were bad and that I didn't deserve to have children, wouldn't you at least be thoughtful about the child? & knowing that, as gay as I am, she will suffer?

& then there are those that testified three years ago. I can barely even go there right now but I am RE mad! I realize you've apologized. You've even taken back your testimony but you know, what if one little thing you said stood out to one of those Justices? Just one little thing? All the forgiving I've done over the last three years has gone out the door. No matter the reasons you think my relationship ended, what does that have to do with my daughter? I don't care if you were mad at me or just wanted a little piece of the action, what you did is written in stone somewhere in the third district court - and way down deep inside me.

And those of you that are tip toeing...my God, please don't! Be sad for me. Cry yourself to sleep for my child and yours. Scream to every paper and every neighbor! Be disgusted that an entire group of children have lost the security of knowing they'll never lose a parent even if the dynamic of their family changes. Be angry and willing to voice your concerns during the interim THIS YEAR! But don't tip toe. No one will hear you.

While I Wait

Someone once told me you need a whole year - every day in every month - to heal from a loss. You need to experience that loss through your birthday, their birthday, an anniversary, Christmas, Mother's Day, etc. You get the idea. And then you can begin healing and...dare I say... moving on. I have repeated this advice to many over the years.

There are different reasons we experience loss. Like a break-up for instance. They're out there and you can wonder how they are and maybe run into them at the coffee shop on Sunday morning and have that awkward "this is my new girlfriend" moment. Or maybe a death where they're not "out there" anymore and you can have all the feelings of "what if" and memories that soften with time.

But today, I have no words to describe, with any sanity, what I feel. My loss fills me with complete emptiness and I can't begin to explain it to myself or begin to wonder the impact it will have on my daughter. And the experience has left me with a lost identity - am I a mother if they say I'm not? If she's still out there but I can't feel her heartbeat or hear her voice, is she really mine?

The Supreme Court said something like they "appreciated my sincere interest in her but...". I am insulted by that very sentence. My sincere interest? She is my daughter, for God's sake. The least I can give her is fucking "interest"! I should be obligated to give her all that I am for the next thirteen years! I should be obligated to love her, support her, cry for her and yes, fight for her. But not according to them. They even took away my opportunity to fight - to simply "ask" them if I can raise my daughter. They said, "thanks, but don't even ask".

I don't doubt that she'll know I've done everything I can do to keep her. I have spent years begging. I hired the best attorneys. I've spent over $100K. I've prayed as hard as Mary herself! I don't regret a minute. And I'd do it all another 816 days for just another day with her hand in mine. Just one more day twirling her around the mall with her little poodle purse - I would give a thousand lives.

So, today might be the third day of that first year but there will never be healing and I will never move on. I'm certain, however, that I'll be stronger and fight harder and someday I'll tell her I did everything I could - that I fought like a mother fights for her child - and she will be proud of me while I wait.

Praying and Wishing and Pleading

Hush a bye Dont you cry
Go to sleep my little baby
When you wake You shall have
All the pretty little ponies

Can you see the little ponies
dance before your eyes
All the pretty little ponies
Will be there when you arise

Good night, my sweet girl. I'll meet you in your dreams.