When it rains...

It's been a hard week. I like to blame it on astrology and say that my planet is out of line from my moon - or something. If I read enough horoscopes, I'm sure to find one or two that affirm it.

You are all so wonderful about listening to me and telling me I'm okay. You're like little friends in my pocket - I can just pull up this blog and if I'm feeling blurry, you remind me that I'm doing fine. And I guess I know I am.

I spent years with a woman who told me I had never done anything brave in my life. I'm not sure if it was a challenge or just a way to make me smaller but I did my best to prove to her otherwise. It didn't work. The word "brave" is not something to which I relate. To hear you say it gives me strength but I really feel like I stand on so many shoulders to be as strong as I am.

I've spent too much time inside my head and finally crashed to earth yesterday during lunch. Hard and heavy. There's a lot to think about and far too much to feel. And with everything so busy lately, the noise is beginning to overwhelm me. I showed up at work ready to implode but instead my boss thought it a better idea to ex'plode. He was right. I felt better letting it out. J called me when I walked through the door to remind me that I had an appointment with an Energy Doctor at 3:30. All I could think of what that I was so emotional that she would surely peg me as "unworkable". I stressed myself out about it after I assured J that I wouldn't. (but you knew I would, right?) I have such an ignorance/aversion to hokey things and I was worried that my spirituality would be taken out of the equation. I always close off to that. But my dear friend reminded me that God speaks through everyone and this just might be the way I finally hear what I need to - not for closure but just to manage what is.

I took some time to talk and cry and felt better before I went.

I walked in and I was so nervous. I have not had any luck with any kind of therapy since this journey with(out) Gracie. It seems people are far too interested in the parts I don't want to talk about - like the Court part of it. I expected the worst from her. I had stubbornly decided I wouldn't be talking. J & E had already told me this would be fine. "energy work doesn't need talking" - then that's what I'll do! Perfect!

But she was soft and kind and I'm certain she's lived dozens of interesting lives. & not because she hasn't fulfilled them but because she wants to keep learning and teaching. Oddly enough, the clock rang 1 hour and 15 minutes later and I was still spilling my life onto the floor like hot chocolate sauce that would harden if I didn't keep spilling. It was so strange that I didn't even know what I had said. - or what she had asked. She knew things about me before I said anything other than names of people I hold closely. She told me how I felt about those people just by the energy I gave off when speaking their names. She knew when I loved someone, when I missed someone and when I was scared by someone. She knew things - not in a "i can read your mind" way but in a "i can see your soul" way. She was standing behind me, holding my head, for the longest time. And she started crying. I felt terrible about it and wanted to comfort her but before I could say anything she said, "just let me go". I swear I wanted to die. But then she moved her thumb and my veins were filled with cold water. I felt like I was floating and I think she stopped crying.

When I got off the table, I felt taller. I know, it even sounds funny when I write it. But seriously, I kept looking at the ground because it seemed so much farther away. And when I walked out her door I walked into a lobby I hadn't seen going in. There was a hard floor and stairs I didn't remember. She's magic. She explained myself to me and while I don't like that whole "i know you and you don't" thing, it felt very genuine - almost scary. She moved my insides. Who does that? Hokey, Magic Lady! I'm telling you!

She gave me homework so we'll see how it goes. If nothing else, at least I'll end up a bit taller. A girl can always use a few more inches upward.

One Scarred Hand to Another

Love songs have been my Nemesis the last few years. Ask Cristy. Every song, no matter what kind of love it's about, reminds me of Gray. It can be Pink or Avril. Kelly or Cold Play. She's learned when to change the station in the middle of brunch so stealthily that our friends don't even notice. It's insane and because of it, I only listen to Christian music. Maybe that's misleading. I've always listened to Christian music but now I almost ONLY listen to Christian music. This makes me very unhip but ask my leg warmers when that's ever bothered me before.

The other night Cristy and I went shopping. Gray's birthday is three weeks from tomorrow. She'll be six. Six. And I'm going to miss it. And really, who cares if I miss her birthday when I'm missing her life? But back to shopping. I found her a dark purple baby doll coat with matching leggings and I stood there with them in my hands and thought that as long as I was touching them, she'd feel me. I'll never see her in them but I know what she'll be wearing, right? I pray so hard that I'm certain I'm running out of wishes.

***

I get asked all the time about my faith. It's probably normal for people to question it because loss makes you question things that big. & other moms like me have asked how I stay so faithful. I just had this conversation the other day and I almost couldn't answer. Not because I've lost faith but because there are definitely days when I want better answers. I have days when I feel lost or left behind by the one thing in all the world that brings me peace. I question, just like you, why I'm so certain on most days and so displaced on others. But like I told this friend, holding on to God (or whatever you consider bigger than you) gives me strength. & whatever is smothering me, let's go when I have that power.

***

So again, back to shopping. I stood there questioning, wanting answers. I stood there and felt betrayed and forgotten. And then I'm reminded when I turn the radio on. See? I had a point. I'm reminded that I'm not alone and that I'm still as strong or as weak as I want to be and that free will allows us all to make the wrong choices and even sometimes allows others to make the wrong choices for us. I turned on this song half way through but I'm certain I was meant to listen. Do you know Nichole? Am I her only fan? ...besides Leah?


...Oh Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel's Den
And I have asked you once or twice if you would part the sea again
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
I just want to know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry

Tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer,
Are you there?
I know you could leave writing on a wall that's just for me
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping - deep into a sweet dream
But I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end
Just want to know that you still know how many hairs are on my head


Sometimes we need to be reminded.
Today I am strong in my faith, knowing the answers I need and the ones I can wait for. And comfortable knowing there will be more bad days - plenty of them. And knowing that I love her Big Enough to walk all the steps it takes to get to her.

September 11th, 2007

My first thought waking up today was...who will be our new Mayor? Then...Happy Birthday to my dear friend Tori. Then...

Six years ago, this country experienced a new kind of fear. I've not been on this blog long enough to have written about it before so I thought this year would be my token year to talk about the day that will never die.

We can all recall where we were and how our reality was challenged and we "couldn't believe it was real". I've heard people ask my mom where she was when Kennedy was shot or when Elvis died. This will be our question. Where were you when the towers fell?

My memory goes like this:

I was in bed. Asleep. The mother of her was over 7 months pregnant with Gracie. The phone rang and it was my aunt. She told the mother of her that I needed to turn the television on because a plan had hit my tower. I knew exactly what she was talking about because I had been obsessed with them since I first saw them in 1994. I turned on the tv and, like everyone else, thought it wasn't right - wasn't real. I was staring at it when the second plane hit the second tower and I gasped so loudly that my partner came downstairs. When they fell, I said outloud, "I think 8 thousand people just died." I thought that because I remembered hearing that 8 thousand people worked in the towers. It was devastating.

I called my work to say that I wasn't coming in but no one was there. Everyone was afraid. I was afraid. Here we were, about to bring a baby girl into this world and the world was falling out from underneath us. So many things changed that day. & from way over here in the West, we've felt it. Those of you so close...I bet you still see/hear reminders all the time.

Today we remember the towers and all the people who fell with them.

Pride Softball! It's OVER!

I wanted to upload this little, bitty picture because it sums up what I did ALL weekend! Cristy and her team started playing Saturday morning and ended Sunday at 6:30 with a fat (or phat?) trophy! It's her first year playing and even I had so much fun!

So here's a shout out to my girl to tell her congratulations! Watching her was my favorite part, of course. But the whole team was so great - even Yeager got to be part of it as the bat boy and he was fantastic!

So minus too much sunshine on my neck, plus the fact that (again) our garage went unpacked, it was a perfect, productive weekend that ended in a thousand kisses!

...that's all for today but I will be back to make sure you all went out and voted!! Please, O'please make this a priority - especially if you live by me! I won't be rude and tell you who to vote for. Nor will I ask you once you do. Just as long as you DO!

Let's Make Up!

"Never vote for the best candidate. Vote for the one who will do the least harm."
- Frank Dane

This is not necessarily the best quote for this post but I wanted to get your attention.

Next Tuesday, is the Primary Election. In this State, we'll be voting in the municipal races and it's getting intense people! "NECK and Neck and neck..." in the SLC Mayor race. So this email is to tell each and every one of you to vote in your primary but especially if you're here, in my city! I can't tell you who to vote for because my amazing job doesn't allow me to speak until after September 11th but I can tell you that your vote will matter. Your little finger print on that screen could make oodles of difference in your city! So DO it!

I also wanted to add a little shout out for all of you who participated in yesterday's commenting competition. I'm still determining the winner. I'll let you know after the Primarys. (trying to lighten the mood here)

I appreciate the forum of blogging because it allows us to be funny and obnoxious and concerned. We can educate, evaluate and question even our own hearts. I feel safe here, as I've said before. And maybe it's because you don't see my face as I type or even at the market or on the street. Even if you know my story with Gray, I can talk about the good parts here and parts of my new family. Maybe it's because we're all a little "anonymous" through these posts and we can express ourselves without being on the front page of (not)gay.com. Either way, I thank each and every one of you - whether we agree or not.

Have a lovely weekend!

Just to clarify...

I won't take too much time here but I wanted to respond to a comment a few posts ago. Somehow I went back a bit and found it.

Anonymous said..."I wish you and your daughter the best. I wonder about another person involved in Gracie's story and that is her father."

I want to make it perfectly clear that my daughter doesn't have a "father", she has a donor. An anonymous donor at that. We chose, on purpose, to not involve a third party. Not because we have anything against father's or men in general but because we wanted to be clear that she has two parents, two moms.

I get heated about this subject for a couple of reasons:

1) because I became the third party in court.

Our sperm donor, who we'll never know, had a step up the legal ladder ahead of me and they used that tool as often as they could. In fact, my attorney argued something like "what if the parents were heterosexual..." and Cheryl's mom piped out "they ARE!" She included this man in the title of PARENT. She counted him, with my ex, as the two hetero people that parent our daughter. Explain how a donor can possibly be a parent?

& 2) because I'm now dealing with another case where the "donor" has decided he wants rights to "his" child after years of not knowing her.

Why? Because he all of a sudden wondered if she was okay? Because he knows, after my ruling, he has a chance? Because his new wife decided they should know all of "his" children? Y.U.C.K.

I suppose, like the rest of us, donors should really think about what a donor is before giving such a forever gift. & I know there are arrangements out there that work perfectly. I know there are exceptions. But this wasn't like that. If Gracie and Yeager's donors are out there wondering how they are and what they're like, I hope it's through grace and a full heart - not because they think of them as their children. Ew.

I want to be clear also, that I am so grateful for men like #Gracie maker who gave such a precious thing to people he would never know. To some, it's no different than giving a child up for adoption. For others, it's a simple gift to strangers. And even other's...40 bucks. Still, what would we do without them?

Happy Labor Day!

Labor day means an extra day off for me. I'm wondering if it came from somewhere or if I should be doing something specific to celebrate. Rest? Work? I don't really understand it. If you know, chime in & make me look bad. I love that. :)

I hope you all had a restful, long weekend. We did. In fact, ours began last Thursday but I was so tired that all I was good for was a little help with homework and a lot of Sleep. The rest of it went flawlessly though. Lots of family time, friend time and Us time. Perfect.

Saturday night, & every Labor Day, my parents host a Cowboy Poetry night at our cabin. Everyone has to dress up like cowboys and read a poem or sing a song or dance a dance. You get it. This year was no exception and we had a great time. Cristy and I sing a song to the tune of "Beverly Hillbilli*s" every year. This is us in our cowgirl gear on the back deck. I think we took first place. We rocked!!

The kids were adorable. It's been a while since I've seen my big family and a few of them were curious about Gracie and how I was doing & what I knew of her. She was missed there. Everywhere. Yeager has a family tradition with his other family this weekend so he wasn't there either. We were kid free. Some times that's good but not this weekend. They both would've loved every minute of it.

All the cowboys and cowgirls. Brookie, Annie, Tana, Broc, Salomon, Coby & Preston.

Me and my favorite first nephew, Broc.

My brother, pretending to look loaded, and his adorable children.

Our cabin looks over a lake called Rockport. The views are stunning. The sunsets are incredible and the stars could make any night magic. We don't get up there as often as we'd like but every weekend we go up, we promise to go more. Here are a few pics of what we saw all weekend.

View from the back deck.

Cristy, in our bedroom.

The sunset down the hill.

The deer come right up on the deck. They'll eat out of your hands. This is my brother playing ... The Deer Whisperer...

The most handsome man I could find up there. :)

It was nice to get away and spend some time where life is easy. We have such amazing canyons in this State. The leaves are already changing so if you live here, get up there in the next couple of weeks to see the colors.

We will.