June 29th - Twenty years ago.

Of all sad things of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, "it might have been".

And yet, another Anniversary.

Twenty years ago today, I lost my little brother. He was bright and beautiful - an identical twin to my other amazing brother. We grew up very close. We all shared the same friends - about twenty of us grew up in the same small neighborhood and there was no one spared from the story of that day.

I know many people have experienced the loss of a family member. But I tell and re-tell this story to put a face to such a senseless tragedy. My hope is that you'll spread it around in a "i know a boy who.." kind of way.

This is my memory of June 29, 1987.

Twenty years ago I was sixteen. I think back and I was such a grown up - even then. That morning I was getting ready to go swimming at a local Crazy Wave place. I'm not sure if you know but in 1987, even if you're about to swim all day, you still put on a full face of make up and curl your hair. He came in the bathroom and looked at me through the mirror and asked if he could come with me. I wanted to bring him/them. But there are two of them, twins, & that meant two tickets and I only had enough money for one. He turned away - sad that I said no. I'll never forget it. Ever.

My next memory of that day was coming home. My mom had picked me up and I made her drive around the long way so I could see if my boyfriend was outside. Waste. We came up the hill and saw what seemed like hundreds of Emergency Vehicles. Fire trucks, Ambulances, Cop cars and even a hovering helicopter. I said to my mom, "I wonder if *old neighbor man* died." She nodded. But as we got closer we could see that all the people were surrounding OUR house. All of our neighborhood was just standing and staring at OUR front door. I was terrified.

My mom threw the car into Park so hard and fast that we flew forward. She jumped out. I saw her running and I became so afraid for her. The panic in her made me fear for her safety - not even thinking my little brothers were in THAT house. I mean, the house is what everyone is staring at! There must be something awful in there. I prayed that she wouldn't go in and I got to her just in time. But I didn't save her from what she would see. We ran up as they were wheeling my brother out on a stretcher. He looked sick. Very sick. And worse, the people around him looked petrified/hollow - like they had been through a hell they'd never seen before.

My mom, with her maternal instinct, knew something was really bad. She stayed with him and left in an ambulance. I was whisked away - into the house to come to my own conclusion and to find my other brother. ...'I saw his face and he had no color. He must have had an asthma attack. I mean, he always does. We can't do any activity for very long before he has blue lips and is wheezing like crazy. That must be it!'... So I went on my way, cleaning up the mess they made in the house. Wrappers - everywhere. Weird ones - not for band aids but for long tube things that looked scary and important. But still, I was certain it was an asthma attack.

I heard a noise and ran to the window. I saw my dad pull up on the lawn. ...'he's on our lawn. He's in a big hurry!'... I went to run outside but by the time I got to the front door, my other brother had jumped in his truck and they were driving away.

I was left alone.

I went back inside and took messages from the many people that kept calling. I got tired of cleaning and taking messages so I went outside to see our friends. They were all still standing out there, staring at our house. I grabbed the basketball and asked who wanted to play Horse. I remember very clearly how they all just stared. This was my first experience with people tip toeing around me. Still, I didn't get it. We started playing Horse and no one said a single word.

But it wasn't long until the neighbors came out to get me. They said my grandmother had called them, trying to find me. They said I was supposed to go with them until my parents picked me up. I asked, "does she know Paul is sick? did she say how he was?" Their answer will be in my memory forever. "Yes honey, he didn't make it."

What? "didn't make it" - what does that mean? Didn't Make WHAT? The football team? Lunch on time? How could this be? I hadn't even begun to think it was serious - let alone, possibly fatal. And that was it. The first day of a new life for us.

I have struggled a lot with all the "what if's" from that day. What if I had taken him with me? What if I would've stayed home? What if my mom didn't have to pick me up before going home? What if I wouldn't have made her drive by my boyfriends house when every second counted? What if I would've jumped in the ambulance or made it in time to leave with my dad and had those last few minutes with him? What if - a million times.

But I realized, after many years, that none of those things would bring him back and none of it's my fault. My brother's were playing the pass out game. All the kids were doing it back then - where you hold your breath upside down and you get that sort of "rush" that makes for a great story at school on Monday. Only my one brother decided to do while he was alone, thinking he'd pull a scary trick on my other brother. Scary all right. Unforgettable.

My family has spent many hours over the last two decades educating other families and school children about the danger of this game. We traveled around to schools, churches and news programs. Every year, I try to do just one more thing to tell one more person what a tragedy this has brought to our lives. My own Party of Five is now a party of four. My twin brother is now twin-less. & my parents will never be whole again.

This year, this is my "one more thing" and "one more person". My brother was only 14 when he died. But he lived a big life and that's the part we still remember and tell and re-tell to the nieces and nephews/wives and partners he didn't get to meet. We miss him so much that even they miss him.

Happy sleeping brother.
Twenty years later and I still say, "see you soon".

Happy Anniversary

I was reminded a few hours ago that on this very day, 10 long years ago, I met a girl who would become my best friend.

It's kind of a funny story so I thought I'd share it. Plus, she reads here and I know she'll appreciate it.

I was at a local gay bar with some friends. Another girl, a sort of friend, came up and told me that she literally met some girl who happened to be driving next to her and happened to be gay and happened to be attracted to her... and they ended up at this bar together. The "sort of" friend was very unique. A bit crazy - the crazy girl at the bar. You all have one, right? Well my reaction was, "what kind of girl do you pick up on the street?" - imaging a trucker or hooker or something not good. But she took me over to meet her and she was beautiful and naive and sweet and so fun!

She and "crazy girl" only lasted the week (this is, of course, after they bought rings together :) but we've been joined at the hip ever since.

Lately, as with most friendships, we've had a rough patch (her words) but I wanted to thank her here for the past decade. Thick and thin was the promise and there have been many, many extra thick parts the last few years. I want to thank her for the reminder of our anniversary and tell her that I love her no matter what, no matter why and no matter Who.

And while I'm thanking...thank you crazy M'angela - whichever planet you're on now - for introducing me to Jack.

50 years 'til rocking chairs.
Cheers.

Will Science Render Men Unnecessary

Known Donor vs Anonymous Donor...how much longer will we need either?

A few of us have been talking more and more about this subject. It always seems surreal to me. This article is far more sarcastic than the actual reality of it. But I thought it was fun to read.

Let me first state, however, that just because I'm a lesbian doesn't mean I would ever prefer a girl over a boy. I have experienced both a daughter and a son and, while very different, I would never say one gender is better or easier or prettier or smarter. The reason for wanting one over the other would have nothing to do with my preferring women over men. - just to get that out of the way.

The simple thought of Cristy and I making a baby together brings me such joy. Like 'way deep down kind of joy' that I almost haven't ever felt. I mean, we're trying to do that now but imagine if we didn't need to funnel through sperm banks or deal with anonymous or known donor talk. What if the sperm was created separately and there really was no third party? C-razy! & this has nothing to do with being a "man hater" or whatever else the Nazi's think of me. I love men - many of them. But you know, the thought of one naked in my very bed makes me cringe just a tiny bit. But of course there are covers and dark shades and lights that turn off so I'm certain many of you get by just fine. (i'm totally kidding)

My partner and I have spoke very little about using a known donor. I've always been 100% against the idea due to reading too many terrible court cases. (one right here, right now!) But after entering blogland and seeing how nicely it works out for some of you, I'm probably only about 86% against it now. :) Cristy is still 100% anti. & I get it. It leaves her way out of line in the legality of it all. But she's willing to hear the good parts as long as I don't forget the bad parts.

The good parts:

There would be not only a face but also a personality.
You would know so much more about the real things. Are they the reason your child is so ... ?
Blame. :)
When your child comes to you with the "where's my dad" questions, there would be a (sort of) answer.
There could possibly be another human who loves and adores your child. & you might love them back.
A potential babysitter.
Seems physically easier.

The bad parts:

Your child could possibly be related to five other boys in his home room class.
There's the legal stuff - in this State, he could come back for visitation rights.
People (family) might treat the donor with a title far too intimate that I'd like.
There would be another person who might love and adore your child as much as you do. (selfish me)

I'm really thinking hard about it. No rush. Just trying to put all our options on the hard, cold, baby making table.

And Another...

Another day, another news story. But this is written well and each of you should read it.

This particular woman, whose picture you will see in the article, is my friend. Not only do we share the same incredible attorney, we share the same unfortunate story. I've talked about her here before - her courage to fight for her child in a state that is fighting hard against her. I've talked about other mom's out there who read and comment here - same story, different place. All of us had children that we planned to parent forever. And all of us have lost them - temporarily.

But today, I want to talk more about the women who are doing this.

In this article you will read that her ex partner ended her relationship with her daughter the day after my ruling was issued. I met her before that and I listened to the fear she had about what would happen should my ruling come back against me and Gracie. First of all, I was terribly naive to think I would really lose Gracie and secondly, I was terribly naive to think that people would echo what my ex did to our daughter. I was actually shocked to receive her phone call that Sunday night.

But this is the problem. These women, many of them, are still walking around my community. And yours! Our Gay Community! Some are flying rainbow flags from their homes, some are heading parenting groups. Some are leading organizations that swear to secure the rights of lgbt families. Some are going to the bars and dancing the night away while their children are being babysat by someone other than their Other mother!

If you know anyone who is doing this, and I believe many of you do, demand an answer! I know you're probably not wanting to get involved. Or maybe you're thinking there are two different sides to every story and it's not your business. Maybe you're wanting to give it time to see how it really pans out. But it IS your business! It will effect you and your (future) family forever because the more it happens, the more common it will be. The more it happens, the more case law is developed to defeat future cases like Yours and Mine and Gina's and Leah's and Em's and Denise's, etc. & those cases are not just defeating us, they're defeating our children - YOUR children.

I have severe baggage around this whole thing. Obviously, I lost my daughter and will live with that fact until I can be with her again. But I also hold incredible guilt for being the "excuse" these women are throwing around. I have heard that people are using the threat of the "j*nes v b*rlow" case. "Well, you know about the ruling - you know what I can do!" My ruling, my life is the permission they needed to act so selfishly. It's the catalyst that Gina's ex needed to take her daughter away. & it's happening more and more.

If you know someone who is doing this very thing, ask them about it on behalf of Your family. You deserve an answer because it's not just their child they're hurting, it's your child too. They lose a parent - the end. Just like 1/2 the other "marriages" around the country - our relationships end and, most of the time, badly. But that doesn't have ANYTHING to do with our children.

I know I bring this up every few months but I'm hoping, someday, there won't be a need for it. Until then...

Don't Back off! Step UP!

I Won A Scooter!

Here she is! Isn't it pretty? Well, maybe I didn't "win" her. Maybe I just won the auction that sold her. Still! Isn't she pretty? Mine's still in a big box but this one looks just like it!

The story goes...We were at an HR*C Fundraiser Saturday night. The air was dry, there were double cosmo's flowing. And there happened to be SEVEN of these babies at the silent auction. Not only is it so cute, it was also for a great cause!

How could I resist? And Cristy, with all my begging and batting of lashes (& did I mention the double cosmo's?) - she had no chance! So now I need to trade in my powder blue hat for baby pink! I also want to add one of those cute baskets too. & now I can zoom around town with Cristy and her little retro bike!

I'm so lucky!! No birthday or Christmas for me! Just a new hat, a new flowy scarf, a new basket, maybe some matching shoes, etc., etc.

Thanks baby!

First Day of Summer

Out with Spring! Time for iced-tea & air conditioning! Springtime in Utah is usually hot enough to be considered summer. But it's the still the end of a season! Time to heat up!

This morning someone asked me my favorite summer memory as a kid. It goes like this:

It's sort of a lot of memories but one activity. It went on for years. My mom would let us know around 7:30 pm that we were going to pack up and go to the drive-in. We all knew that meant we should get on our pj's and start cooking popcorn. She would do this weird 'popcorn in a pan' thing and then we'd stuff it into layered paper sacks. The butter wouldn't seep through and we'd have two huge grocery bags of popcorn - one for the front seat and one for the back. Wonderful! She'd load us into the Ford Fairmont and, lucky for me, I got the front seat every time. My brothers are twins and are a couple of years younger. They always fell asleep during the first show. But I was smarter than them. I knew this was My time with My mom. I would do anything to stay awake and just sit there with her. She would give me "sneak" sips of her Pepsi and I would eat enough popcorn to make me sick for days. I don't remember a single movie we ever saw - just the time we spent preparing for those double features that mostly just included me sitting with her and hoping to be just like her one day.

Summer is all about those spontaneous moments. Waking up and saying "let's plant five trees today" or Cristy ordering pasta salad from the pub and driving us up to the canyon for an impromtu dinner date. Today is the first day of summer and the longest day of the year. What can I squeeze in to make it memorable? I mean, should we all be doing something "else" today since we have more daylight? What do I typically stop doing when the sun goes down? Maybe I'll be gardening and think "oh, if only I had another 38 seconds to pull those last few weeds". Or "you know, I should call my good friend because there's still a few more minutes of sunshine today". Either way, it's all downhill from here people. Days will be shorter and shorter and pretty soon we'll be counting down to Christmas.

But wait! There are so many wonderful things that come before Christmas! Our housewarming party, a river rafting trip! Equality Utah's Allies Dinner and the wedding of our dearest friends! There is much to be done and the sunshine is running out!

But if you're already over that hump and counting, (as am I) there are still One hundred and Eight seven days until Christmas :)

A - Mazing!!

I am happy. I am filled. The concert was beautiful! - maybe even one of my top three!

I wish I could post pictures but I was too excited to get there and forgot my camera. boo.

I'm not sure how all of you do it in your cities but the whole "preparation" part is very big here. We wait in line for six hours. Rain or Shine. Cristy got there before noon and I joined her around 2pm. Luckily, she had made friends with the girls around her so by the time I got there we were one big family. We played cards, we drank, we ate fruit & licorice and tried to stay hydrated. Very hot. But so worth it!

When the gates opened, we had our "runners" up front so they could throw the blankets and save the spots. The slow ones (me) waddled in just seconds behind with the chairs, etc. It's all part of the plan. We made it to front and center and I couldn't have been happier. In fact, I forgot to ask J if she was trampled in line - staying back with all the coolers! It must have been a war zone!

The crowd was full of friends, ex-friends, ex-partners, etc. But something about it makes it all perfect. Everyone singing the same song seems to bring peace for a few moments.

Anyway, the Girls played for two hours and it wasn't nearly enough. After the concert ended, we all stood around and talked about the tour and where we could see them next. So far, the answer is Austin. But next year, I won't be missing Humphrey's.

What is it that makes us love them so much? What is it that makes us cheer every time they swear or say "gay" or "queer"? I laugh at myself for being one of those girls who would follow them off the earth but it's true - I am a lover. The biggest fan.