Five Months 'Til New Years Eve!

I know, hardly cause for celebration but a girl could use all the reasons she can get! :) Next year will surely be better than this one.

Last night we went to a fundraiser for a local theatre. It was wonderful. The title was "And the Bann*d Played On" - they focused on banned literature and songs and such. I laughed and cried throughout the whole thing. One book I thought some of you might love all over again is this. I've read it to Gracie many times at every B&N Story Telling Sunday but it never gets old and the fact that it's based on two very gay birds is just terribly sweet.

I cried all the way through the Dix*e Chicks - Not Ready to M*ke Nice. That has become my theme song of late and it brings out wells of emotions in me. I hate that they had such pain through the situation but I sure am happy they came up with that song. Something good out of something bad... just what I need right now.

I've been thinking more and more about the idea of adopting. That would also mean giving up the idea of being pregnant. Why is this so important to so many of us? I tackle the idea of being pregnant with so many "reasons". Biology means my child will never be taken away. Biology means I will care for a child from conception. Biology means we pick who/what make our baby. But it's hard and feeling hopeless and I begin to not care about those things as much. If another woman carries my child, wasn't it meant to be my child to begin with? Adopting/Surrogacy v IVF seems more hopeful. We'll end up with a baby - imagine that! & I won't be harming my body in the meantime. Since I'm certain to get OHSS again, it doesn't feel too awful to stray away from starting that mess again.

So I've been searching the sites and reading what you all have to say on the subject and I'll keep doing that for the next few weeks.

In the meantime, the countdown has begun. Five months 'til a New and better Year!

Sandy, Scooters, Sushi...

Another mom added to the list of so many of us on Friday. Her name is Jacqui and while I don't know her whole story, I'm glad she's here. - you are among friends.

The weekend was healing. Thanks for sticking it out with me. Every time I logged on to write, I ended up soaking in all of your words instead. It's amazing what a difference it can make for me. I hope you all feel the same.

Friday night was full of rest for us. I had a blueberry cocktail with J that afternoon that kind of set the scene for a relaxing evening. Cristy cooked a wonderful meal and allowed me to make her suffer through two movies. Both with Sandra Bullock and I didn't even do that on purpose. The next morning we woke up early and went to the Farmers Market. We were on our scooters for most of the day - it was lovely.

That night we had sushi with friends and planned to "swing by" the girl bar to say hi to a few friends. We ended up running into more friends and didn't get home until almost 3am! Mind you, we are girls who never "swing by" girl bars. There are only a couple anyway and neither are worth the "swing" but when you mix drinks with old friends and new friends...you just never know what will happen. It was so fun! At one point I asked E what time it was - thinking it was 11 or so - it was almost 1am. & we were just getting started! & to all of you who sang your hearts out...man I wish I had it in me! Thanks for the entertainment! Who knew you all had it in you? Besides Cristy, of course. She's a natural! :)

Last night we had dinner with my attorney (now very close friend) and her family. She reminds me how hard we tried but also about how much we lost. We also found out that there's yet another case looming in the distance and I just cringe when I think about what she's going through and what she has ahead of her.

Life is strange. & so uncertain. & what you know might really not be. I feel like I'm turning a corner and I'm finally starting to feel the anger that I've desperately needed. I've been too afraid to be mad because for so long I had to maintain a relationship with the mother of her. If I got mad at her she'd just pull Gracie farther away. I guess I have the freedom to really hate her if I want to. And that just makes me sad.

Damnit. Maybe I need to spend more time at the bar.

Hard times...

The past few days have been hard. I've been getting press calls since the interview I did with Gina aired last Friday. I guess it's news that I've decided not to take my case to the Federal Supreme Court.

I actually made this decision before the ruling came down. It's no surprise to those who know my case. I was told that if we lost, it would take years to push it through the Federal Courts and I wouldn't see Gracie that entire time. Imagining the impact on her through this and then that is just unbearable. How can I justify coming in and out of her life over and over? & then there's the risk that it could do if I lost there too. Being responsible for that kind of devastation is more than I can hold.

But then there's Gracie. And it's not like I have any hope that I would win but will she believe I tried everything? If I could say I took the next step, would that be healing for her some day? There are no good answers and I feel overwhelmed with what has happened to her and what I should/could do about it.

I miss her. I miss the things I know and the things I don't know. I miss her sweet hands on my face and her chubby toes nestled under my legs while she sleeps. I miss her songs and her jokes. I miss the new songs and the new jokes. I send her clothes and I'm not sure what size she wears. I send Barbie's but there will be a day when that won't be what she loves and I'll miss the transition from barbies to big girl make-up.

I haven't seen her in six months and three days and that's only the beginning of a very long wait. And I'll remember everything and gather things she'll need to know about one day. I'll hold her tightly in my heart and hope she remembers to do the same.

And someday, some very strong woman will take a very strong case to a very good team of Justice's and we'll never have to fight to protect our children again.

Tag, I'm it!

I got tagged by Holly to write a me-me.

Here are the rules:
Let others know who tagged you.
Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
Players should tag 8 other people and tell them they’ve been tagged.

Random fact #1 -
I used to work in a lingerie store and I was in charge of measuring bra sizes for the cross dressers.

Random fact #2 -
If I tell you I love you, I mean it.

Random fact #3 -
I love to swing naked. You know, like on a swing set. In fact, someone tell Cristy I'd like a backyard swing set!

Random fact #4 -
When I was 19, I saved a little girl from drowning.

Random fact #5 -
I've seen a UFO. & I saw it with another person so that's my proof that it was real. Or, at least, unidentified.

Random fact #6 -
I've never taken drugs or smoked a cigarette. Not any, not once. But just wait 'til I turn forty!

Random fact #7 -
I can forgive everyone but myself. I hold on to regrets like heavy stones in my dress.

Random fact #8 -
As much as I am dying to have another child, nothing scares me more. I' m deathly afraid of not having another child and I'm even more afraid of having one and holding on too tightly. Not fire, not life without Tammy Faye - nothing scares me more.

There you go! That wasn't so hard.

As for tagging others, I need a moment to think about it. And to check and see who hasn't been tagged in a while...

Life in the Fast Lane!

How is it Monday already? I missed my relaxing weekend at home - watering plants, playing fetch with Molly...

Instead, you ask? What in the world have I been doing with myself? Well, let me tell you my friends. Things have been Busy with a capitol Z!

The SIL is still in town and we're loving every minute of her. We spent a while on Saturday trying to convince her to move here. She's hetero and done having babies so there are really no bad points to scare her off. Plus she has enough cash to buy one of those amazing houses where no one I know lives. That part was Really fun!

Saturday night was Gina's fundraiser and it was wonderful! That girl is brave and honest and genuine and her friends were all there just proving how every minute was worth their time! & her daughter? All I could think about was how proud she'll be that her mom faught so hard to get her home. That little girl is depending on her to not give up and she just keeps proving over and over that she's not quitting. Thanks to those of you that showed up for them. I hope we all meet little Maddie very soon.

And, I won a beautiful drawing in the auction! But I need another one to match it... Any ideas, Gina?

Our poor dog has been suffering of late. She has some kind of absess and it has made her feel less than her normal self. She's had a couple of playdates with her best boy, Juneau and even he has struggled to perk her up. Here are some damn cute pictures of them from Friday. They are in love!

I'm loving her more than normal...just replacing her with the baby this isn't yet in my body. We're still kicking around the idea of trying again next month but it's getting less and less appealing. This cycle has been a nightmare for me - phsyically and emotionally. I'm not sure how I still have girl friend. Saint, I tell ya!

"It's not as simple as DNA"...

I just got back from doing a morning radio show with another mom. It was our local NPR station. It was quick and mostly painless. The show is promoting a fabulous fundraiser for my friend Gina who is in the midst of her battle to bring home her daughter.

The host was great and seemed to really understand. He mentioned that he is a child of divorce and his parents have hated each other ever since. But the law protected him and I think he understood how unfair it is for kids like Gray, Madison, Randy, May, etc.

I wanted to just post something quick about tomorrow night in case any of you live in this God forsaken State and would like to support Gina and Maddie with your love and dollars.

Static Salon
380 W Pierpont Ave (between 2nd & 3rd S)
Starts at 7pm and there will be food and entertainment & everyone is welcome!
$15 suggested donation
or 3 for $40
& a silent auction and raffle for all the girls like me who can't bare to leave without a prize or two in hand!
More details at www.swerveutah.com

Please come. Show her some love!

Twisted Sister

My sister in-law is coming in town tonight. We've been getting ready for her visit for the last week. We're really excited to see her and she hasn't seen our new house yet. Lucky for me, Cristy has finally decided to complete her "to do" list. For this reason alone, I would be grateful for the visit.

But there are many more. This particular SIL is my favorite part of Cristy's family. There are good parts but this part is great! She's so funny and so sweet. And she's Cristy's "back". You know, like Cristy is the front of a person and she's the back. They're the same, but different. They finish each other's sentences. They both laugh at things the average person would never find funny. They have this inane passion for Bugs Bunny that I'll die not understanding. They're weird together. Goofy. The both smile bigger when she's here or we're there. & I smile just watching them.

I never had a sister. And I never wanted one. My mom gave me two amazing brothers and I would've taken 10 more. In fact, she actually lied to me when she got her tubes tied because I had been begging for more brothers and she'd knew I'd tantrum. I found out. I tantrumed. I'm not sure why I was against having a sister. Maybe she would have challenged my Princess Post or maybe I would've had to share my clothes. It might have been selfish but I like to think not.

I have an Aunt who is four years older than me. We grew up close to each other and she was mean. She had this thing with telling me to "step" into terrible places. Because she was older than me, I did everything she said. Once, we were walking home from getting an ice cream and she told me to step in a standing puddle. I stepped in and sunk to my neck. She knew it was a hole and she laughed at me until she peed her pants. Another time, she ran ahead of me and put a paper towel on the ground. Again, she told me to step on it and I did. *Rolling eyes - embarrassed that I have two of these stories* It was a small sewer pipe and my whole right leg went into the ground. My best pair of glitter red Dorothy MaryJanes now consisted of only one sad shoe. Worse, while I was stuck trying to squeeze my leg out of the hole, she told me the devil lived down there and he was jumping at my foot. Again, until she peed.

Enough of that. I think I just realized why I never wanted a sister. Girls are mean. I remind her all the time that she ruined my best shoes. Wicked, wicked mean.

I take the SIL any day.