Monday, March 17, 2008

Holding My Last Breath

I really am still here. I really am wondering every second of every day if this is finally the cycle that said yes. Every day that goes by gives me tiny bits of hope. At the same time, I've been here before. Not to sound like a Negative Nancy but it's true. I can fool myself like no other. And today, I can feel the signs of af at every turn.

Signs? (wait, I don't believe in signs)
I had very odd cramping on 11dpo. I actually thought I'd start that day.
Sore boobs. But that's normal for me when I'm medicated.
A very large grumpy bone yesterday at ShopKo. But that could be my new no caffeine rule...
See? And here I am, days later and I got nothin'! Sigh.

It's now 15dpo for me. But sometimes I can be tricked until day 17. You'd think I'd break down and take a damn test but something in me likes to keep the possibility as close as I can for as long as I can. Foolish, I know. Cristy threw a test at me every time I came near the bathroom yesterday. I considered it. It was fun teasing her... but considering the possibility of a "negative" made me decline. Am I losing it? Have I just been doing this too long? Tests just aren't my thing! It's like I want everything ruled out first. I'm sure there's no sense in it, really.

This time, this cycle, I had it right. I'm sure of it. Peaked on cd16 at noon. Inseminated at 2pm on cd17. I felt every little egg that dropped from my clomid filled ovaries. I was certain it would catch just one.

Either way, no matter how this one ends (& there will be a certain end Very soon), I'm not quitting. As my dear friend K said, you can't win if you don't play.