We're wrapping up a wonderful weekend. I think we'll stay up late just to drag it out a little.
First of all, we played Wii. Or maybe we played with a Wii. Either way, SO fun! I know some of you are months ahead of us. We had no idea what we were missing. We had dinner with friends Friday night and they treated us by kicking our butts in tennis and boxing. Cristy almost made them wish they didn't invite us because she almost punched a hole in their ceiling with her forehand - or something like that... It's HARD! And boxing? C'mon! I'm a lover, not a fighter! :)
I've talked back and forth with my long lost cousin a few times this weekend. It's feeling a bit less scary and it's actually been amazing to see/hear what her life has been like. She's married. She has no children. When I asked she actually said that she couldn't have children - "what would she say" to Mercy? I guess that makes sense. She's in Florida. She's been there off and on since she left. She's been clean for eleven years. She's been clean since the year after she left. That shocked me a little, I think. But I suppose there are bigger things than drugs when you deal with the trauma she's lived with. We talked in length about her regrets and I just tried to remind her that I love her and that I'll be here as long as she'll talk. It feels good.
We slept until 9am today. SO nice. Then we watched a movie in bed. I love Sundays. Unfortunately, I eventually had this (non)wonderful idea. I thought, "we should totally spend our whole Sunday doing all the things around the house/yard that we've put off since moving in!" dumb. As I sit here with a sore neck from resting my dining room light on it for 2 hours, I guess I'm glad it's over. But seriously, not my first idea of a Sunday with my girl. We bought a medallion about a year ago. It's really beautiful and it kind of matches the one that was already in the Parlor.
This is the before:
Anyway, after many strained muscles and much less patience than when we started, it's beautiful!
And after that? We finished our day with some terribly tasty sushi with our best girls! De'lightful! De'licious! De'Lovely!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
We're wrapping up a wonderful weekend. I think we'll stay up late just to drag it out a little.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Life is kicking along. My week has been full of change & movement. We moved to a new office - the Gays are Growing in Utah! We more than doubled our last square footage and the new space feels like we're finally in a place we can call home. It's really lovely. I'm looking forward to hosting our community there.
And big news for me, Cristy surprised me with another planned vacation. She came home Saturday morning and asked me if I'd like to go to San Diego in June. And then she told me that the Ind*go Girls are coming to Humphreys. I realize many of you have not experienced those two things together and that's why I'm promising to take a million pictures to share it with you. But one of my favorite parts? I finally get to meet my favorite fellow blogger, jbeeky. I can't wait to see you, dear. And hug you and share our ARay passion!! We still have a couple of months but that gives us more time to plan for a perfect 5 days!
We've made all the appointments we'll need to get on with IVF#2. It's crazy to think that it's happening again but also crazy that it takes so long. Our appointments don't begin until April 21st. And we'll have a new doctor because our other doctor can't begin another round with us until June. June. And thank God for tax returns after paying on a new mortgage. We're lucky ducks to have the opportunity for another chance.
And the last thing I wanted to share with you is that finally, today, my phone rang. I've been waiting for almost a week and you've all been so great at giving me advice and just letting me express my feelings. My cousin called today. I heard her voice and she sounded wonderful. She cried the whole time but it felt good to just sit with her. She was quiet and I spent some time catching her up on new marriages and new babies.
My life was so different when she left. I was just 25 years old. I mean, my life hadn't even begun. Everything "big" was still years away. I had never been in love. I hadn't had children. I still had my cute green Cabriolet. :) And then I spent time listening to her past, her regrets and her fears. It's all so surreal. We talked about just taking a day at a time. She knows I'm afraid to dive in and I understand her need to stay safe. It's just crazy that it's all here, right in front of me. I came home today and unloaded a bunch of old emotions on Cristy. My counsin's past brings up a lot of old garbage in my life but it's healing and luckily, C is a great listener.
I feel so thankful and blessed. ...Because she took the step and because you have all been so supportive.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Thanks for all the love around my very long post the other day. I definitely spent the weekend by my computer - refreshing every few hours or so. But I didn't hear from her - until today.
Seeing her name and knowing she wrote it, is seriously haunting. You can't imagine how long I've waited for this conversation. About 7 years ago, I resorted to the fact that she was probably dead. She lived a dangerous life. I know that sounds very fiction but it's true. No boundaries or even a compass. She hitch-hiked across the county for God's sake. The fact that she has lived this entire life for the last dozen years is just so unbelievable to me.
Her email was short but said a thousand things. She said she was scared. She thanked me for telling her Mercy was safe & healthy but also said she knows she doesn't have a right to ask those questions anymore. She doesn't know where to start or how to ask for forgiveness. I don't have any answers for her.
I have so much compassion for her but, at the same time, I question it. I mean, how could you leave your child? What kind of person could literally walk away and simply trust that she would be cared for? From the place I stand, it eats at me. I like to think, no matter what would happen/ed in my life, I could never do what she did. & even if we live through terrible experiences, we can still make choices and live differently, right?
Then again, I step back and I think it's wrong to judge her. How do we know how all of these awful things affected her? The same things may have happened to me or you but we have strong family support & maybe that's what made all the difference. I can't even imagine otherwise.
When I sent her a note thru myspace, I told her that Mercy was doing well. After I sent it and after obsessing for days, I regretted saying anything about her daughter. On one hand, she doesn't deserve to know. On the other hand, anything I say can scare her away and I'm guessing everything around her leaving, seats her right on the edge of escaping again.
And that's a risk for me. I'm scared too. I spent years looking for her - just for the answer of whether or not she was alive. Investing in this "new relationship" with her feels very scary for me. At the same time, I am so grateful that she took a step toward home. And so grateful that, if Mercy wants answers, she just might be able to get them.
Some of you wrote about my loss of two girls. And while there are many similarities, my feelings of loss are nowhere comparable between the two. However, knowing that Mercy might know her mother one day gives me hope for Gray and me. I think of the questions she'll have and the peace that the answers will give her. I obviously didn't abandon Gracie but part of me wonders if she'll have those same feelings. She must. Needless to say, it has opened some thought around both girls.
I wrote her back. I'm taking baby steps , trying to avoid scaring her. My biggest fear is that she can so easily disappear again. I'm not telling my family (other than my mom) that we're speaking. I don't want Mercy to know anything. Yet. She'll be 17 in just a few months. Soon enough, she'll be able to decide for herself.
Hold my hand as I tip toe in.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Yegs was on the run! No way was he gonna miss out on 12 eggs!
And he got 'em!
Searching high & low...
This morning we're having our best girls & their family over for an Easter/Birthday celebration! Happy Birthday, J. We love you to death & wish you many, many more years of bliss!
And because it's Easter and you know I'm a Jesus freak, I thought I'd share with you a poem. Imagine me - around 12 or 13 - reciting this in front of a crowd of many... And who am I kidding, I still perform it every year. :)
What came first? The Chicken or the Egg?
What is this day all about?
Hiding eggs for kids to route?
Cakes and cookies shaped like lambs
Pink Chappeaus or Pink Madames?
That's not what this day is all about!
Who got buried then got out?
Leaving no one any doubt.
"He has Risen", hear them shout!
That's what this day is all about.
Friday, March 21, 2008
This may be a bit long - just warning you. There's a lot of back story...
My family has always been very tight. We typically saw our cousins every weekend when we were little. But my mom's oldest brother & his kids lived in FL - way far away. We didn't know them. The parents eventually divorced and the mother (my uncle's wife) abandoned her children when the oldest (of four) was only about 10 years old. The whole situation was very tragic. My uncle ended up moving them all back here a few years later and my grandparents tried to help raise the kids.
The oldest was a year younger than me. She was trouble. She immediately started running away. They put her in my school so she could be friends with "my" friends. They were good kids - they would surely change her. (dumb) It didn't work. She flocked to the trouble makers. She was a rebel. She finally ran away at sixteen and we didn't hear from her for two years.
In 1991, she called from Florida. She was pregnant and needed help. When she needed help and called home, it meant that she was calling me because I was really the only person who kept trying to find her every time she left. My parents cared too but other than that, I really think people just forgot about her.
So one day she called. We sent her a ticket to come home. She was 19. I was 20.
When she arrived she informed us that she wasn't going to keep the baby. This would be my grandmother's first great-grandchild and it caused quite a stir in our family. She was eventually guilted enough to keep her and even still, I'm grateful every day. Her reasons, however, were very real. She wasn't ready to be mother. Her example had been terrible. I think everyone hoped that would change when her baby was born but it really didn't. She had big issues to heal. Big.
But she had the baby. A beautiful little girl. She moved around a lot and eventually moved in with me when the baby was around 2yo. Still, she would say that she didn't feel a bond. She felt more like she was her little sister. This little girl was so fantastic. I mean, she would literally talk to anyone. She was so completely brilliant that people would constantly ask her to read and write and sing and dance - she was amazing and she was just a toddler.
One day, when she was just barely 4, my cousin called and asked if I would watch her for the weekend.
And she never came back.
After two days, this amazing little person started to tell me that her mother told her good-bye. "She's not coming back. This is where I live." As the days went by it became obvious that she was really gone. I called in a missing person report but she had been known to run for years. And her parents were long ago disinterested. No one cared.
I kept this little girl for the next year. She was the light of my every day. I was very young and in my first relationship. She added a whole new world to our world. We loved every minute of her. I always believed that her mom would come home so I never really let go in a way that you would if you adopted a child. She would ask if she could call me "mommy" and I would tell her that I loved her more than the stars but that she had a mommy who was going to come home one day. I regret it now. If I had known she would really stay gone, I would've done everything differently.
A year or so later, my aunt filed a petition for custody of her. She was married and hadn't been able to have children. As a young person, I didn't have a clue what to do. I was crushed. I had every intention of keeping her until her mom came back. I was also only 1/2 "out" and was certain if anyone (dcfs) knew, they'd take her from me. I didn't fight. And they came and took her away.
I'll never forget it. I'll never forget her little voice telling me she promised to be good if I'd only let her stay.
Luckily for me, she hasn't gone far. She was raised right here by me and I've watched her grow into an amazing sixteen year old. I still wish I had made different decisions. I wish I wouldn't have been so scared back then. But she's had a happy life and she knows she's loved by me and everyone around her.
I spent years looking for her mother/my cousin after she left. I tracked her to Florida then to Arizona. She changed her name and probably lived on the streets for a long time. She can do that. She can survive through anything. I've always stood up for her and said that she made the right decision by leaving Mercy with me. If she hadn't, we would've lost them both. My family obviously holds angry feelings for her but they didn't know her like I did. (way more to that story - another day)
So here were are...it's been 12 years since she left - almost to the day.
My friend was showing me around myspace today. I'm embarrassed to tell you all how un'hip I am but I had no idea I had a page. I log in sometimes to read another friends blog but that's all I knew. So I pull it up and what do you know? I have friends! She starts showing me around a bit and I see that there's a person that I don't know on there. And I delete her.
We dig around further and there it is! A message from my cousin - from little Mercy's mother. Four of them. She left them between November and January. The last one finally says her name and asks if I'm her cousin and says she's looking for her family. But the worst part? I had deleted her. I can't get her back. I sent her a note but now I have to wait and hope she gets it. Can you stand it?
After all these years she reaches out. I kept my land line until 1 year ago just for her. I've paid online searches for her a dozen times. I've written down stories about her so Mercy could one day read & learn about her mom. And there she was - on my myspace page I didn't know I had.
I gasped. I held my breath & kept re-reading her name. It felt like a ghost was talking to me through a dream. 12 years. Many times I have thought she must be dead. Why wouldn't she ever call? How could she not wonder if her daughter was happy & healthy? At the same time, I have dreaded telling her that it wasn't me that raised her.
I'll sit here and refresh my email a hundred times this weekend.
After all the times I searched for her, she found me.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Still nothing. Like stale air I just sit here and wonder what is happening with my body. I'm still waiting for cd1 and it looks to be nowhere in sight. Maybe I've begun my own personal summer. :) (I've always wanted to put that in writing.) Maybe my body is trying to tell me that it's tired of me filling it with chemicals so it acts according to the script I write. My head is tired too. As is my heart.
Cristy met me at home early yesterday. She called my boss at 2pm and requested he boot me out the door. It was very sweet, actually. She took me to a movie to hold my hand for two hours. She reminded me how special we are and how this is just a small piece of what our lives will hold. She knows I have issues at failing with this. My last relationship took a huge blow with the fact that I couldn't conceive. Not because of her, but me. I held the blame back then. All I could think of were the promises I had made - that I would carry the rest of our children. But I never could. This time, we share it. We share the process as much as we'll share the result. It feels beautiful and safe and reassuring. And it makes me all too excited to get there.
It's crazy to want something so much and not get it. I'm not a spoiled brat or anything but I don't think the average Jane waits this long for anything. I mean, I've been there before but ttc is a whole new ballgame. Typically you can work toward something. Like, you try for months and months - even years - then you should get closer to the goal. I mean, you're trying that whole time. We must be getting better at it, right? Closer to it actually working?
Maybe it's like softball. I played that damn game for 3 years when I was small. I showed up at every practice, swung at the ball and aimed my mitt to catch pop-ups. But I never got better. I was terrible. The poor coach of the Green Machines, my team, finally just asked me to stop swinging. I had better luck to walk. He was right.
ug, that sounds pathetic. Don't worry, I'm not that down on myself. Sometimes I just wonder when it is that I'll move on to another "way". We talk about all of our options and I feel so fortunate that we have so many. But right now, this is the one I choose.
I'm swinging, damnit.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I broke down & tested. My body still hasn't told me a single thing. I had a tiny bit of spotting yesterday but nothing since. But the glaring single line told me everything I needed to know.
Just wanted to throw it out there so you weren't wasting wishes over here. I'll be focusing mine on those of you still waiting and pleading for yours again in just a little while.
Monday, March 17, 2008
I really am still here. I really am wondering every second of every day if this is finally the cycle that said yes. Every day that goes by gives me tiny bits of hope. At the same time, I've been here before. Not to sound like a Negative Nancy but it's true. I can fool myself like no other. And today, I can feel the signs of af at every turn.
Signs? (wait, I don't believe in signs)
I had very odd cramping on 11dpo. I actually thought I'd start that day.
Sore boobs. But that's normal for me when I'm medicated.
A very large grumpy bone yesterday at ShopKo. But that could be my new no caffeine rule...
See? And here I am, days later and I got nothin'! Sigh.
It's now 15dpo for me. But sometimes I can be tricked until day 17. You'd think I'd break down and take a damn test but something in me likes to keep the possibility as close as I can for as long as I can. Foolish, I know. Cristy threw a test at me every time I came near the bathroom yesterday. I considered it. It was fun teasing her... but considering the possibility of a "negative" made me decline. Am I losing it? Have I just been doing this too long? Tests just aren't my thing! It's like I want everything ruled out first. I'm sure there's no sense in it, really.
This time, this cycle, I had it right. I'm sure of it. Peaked on cd16 at noon. Inseminated at 2pm on cd17. I felt every little egg that dropped from my clomid filled ovaries. I was certain it would catch just one.
Either way, no matter how this one ends (& there will be a certain end Very soon), I'm not quitting. As my dear friend K said, you can't win if you don't play.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I got your attention, right? I'm not talking about that kind of one night stand. Tonight we went to a comic/monologue called My One * Night * Stand With * Cancer, by Tania Katan.
She wrote a book about her experience with breast cancer. Her first bout at age 21. And another at 31. She talks about her life and it's almost like a dance. She's a Jewish, lesbian playwright (probably not in that order) and she's had an incredible life experience. It's amazing. At the end she ripped off her shirt and stood there with bravery draped across her chest - proud that she was still standing before us. I sat there - stunned...knowing I wouldn't be that strong in the same situation.
I'm telling you this because you first must read the book. Although...I feel like a hypocrite for saying that as I haven't yet read it. But I'll have it my sticky hands tomorrow and I'll read it right away. THEN, you must see the show. Just look it up and see what you think. I'm not kidding. It's funny - witty, charming, heart breaking, scary and then funny all over again. I laughed so hard and then I thought, "you know, I really need to have my first mammogram."
My grandma had a double mastectomy. & they didn't get it all. She likes to say the had a triple mastectomy. I remember playing with her silicone filled bra when I was little. My family used to laugh at me when I put it on & ran around the house. I wonder now, what bra was she wearing when I did that?
Anyway, it's something I think about all the time. I think things like, "my mom should be sure to do self breast exams" or "I would die if my mom got cancer". But I never think it could be me. I'm too young. But I'm way older than 21. I'm even older than 31. & I heard that lesbians have a higher chance of breast cancer because so many of us don't have children/breast feed. I'm not sure if that's accurate but it's enough to add another reason to my list of why I really want to have a baby. :)
So do it. Go get the book. And then tell me what you think. I was moved and I kinda think you will be too. And before you do that, go see Turtle & Butterfly and give her some love $$. She's taking the high road later this fall and doing something wonderful for those who came before her and those that are surviving!
btw...11dpo & I'm surviving over here too. :)
Today, Cristy turns double 4's! Whew! :)
That sounds crazy because but if you knew her, you'd know that her youth shines through by her rebellion. She still lives like she's in her twenties. (minus the beer & marijuana) She's amazing at everything she does. She's one of those "play on the floor" moms and it's one of my favorite things about her. Yegs gave her a new baseball mitt and she acted like it was a new diamond ring. Well, she acted like I would if I got a new diamond ring.
I love her - BIG!
We had dinner last night with family & friends and tonight we'll spend another evening celebrating her!
I hope your day is beautiful, baby. Every little minute of it.
Happy, happy Birthday!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I'm 10dpo and feeling fine. No symptoms that I can think of - just trying to get through the last few days of not knowing. I really do okay until the last inning or so. No testing until day 14 - ever. & even then, I usually just wait another day or so. But now is about the time I start second guessing every little twinge or pain.
I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I haven't done that in a long time. Looking at the positive test seemed very real. Somehow after the test, I saw the size of my uterus. I sat there, checking it out and imagine how tiny my little baby was in there. It's was like a large roma tomato. I think I even touched it. It's gross just to write it. In my dream I started telling people I was pregnant and even had maternity clothes in my closet. I half woke and actually questioned what was real.
I don't believe in signs. Cristy will say that's a lie. She'll say I only believe in bad signs. I spent a long time thinking everything "good" was a sign. Pete's Dragon, Land Before Time, half moons - just to name a few. But now I think of it all like fiction or stories for fairy tales. Signs are what you find when you're looking too hard. I realize this makes me sounds ultra romantic. Kidding. But I like to think that, while I may be a little jaded, I live in real life and know not to expect the unexpected.
At the same time, I don't want any of you to assume that I don't have a mouth full of hope every single minute of the day. Hope is different than assuming or simply just "feeling it". I hope all. day. long. I am dripping with hope.
So...just a few more days and I'll have my answer. And I'll stop this game for another couple of weeks. And I'll drink. Big. (that's about two drinks max for me!) Then I'll start again because that's just how positively ready we ARE!
I thought you might all want to see this story. I'm not sure why. I guess I just thought of your jaws dropping just as mine did and it made me smile.
Woman sits on boyfriend's toilet for 2 years Deputies said a woman in western Kansas sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years, and they're investigating whether she was mistreated.
And here's another one you must see. I'm sure you all heard the horrific words from the Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern. This is a snipet from Ellen's Show today. For being so non-political, she sure has found her voice lately... Love it!
Monday, March 10, 2008
This is their Election Campaign for 2008. I'm sure they'll bother all of you with all the details:
And this, of course, is Abe's place. It much more beautiful at night but we didn't have the opportunity to stay down there. It was built in 1922. I think it's haunted.
And a few random from the WWII memorial. My grandfather fought in that war & this was my first time back since they built & introduced it. I'm sure it's much more stunning when the fountains are on...I wasn't so impressed so I'll just show you my grandpa's part and my favorite quote.
Because I'm still in my tww, there wasn't a lot of "wild & crazy" but we had a great time. It was a great way to end the session and it reminded me of how much history Utah doesn't have.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Law and justice are not always the same. When they aren't, destroying the law may be the first step toward changing it.
We leave tomorrow morning for DC. It's a work trip but I'm certain we'll visit all the tourist sites while we're there. ie. The war memorials, The cemetery, Abe. It's more history than we can possibly relive in 4 days but we'll try.
Cristy has never been. & the last time I was there I was with someone else at the end of our relationship. If there is ever a reason to re-do a trip, that is it! So we'll go and we'll lobby our Federal government for all the is right and just. And then we'll come back here and relax because tomorrow - TOMORROW - is the Last Day of our Legislative Session!! Wha-hoo!!
My terribly sweet co-worker brought me a bag 'o goodies to celebrate the end of our 40 day nightmare. In it included a ribbon that says, "I Made It!", a stress ball, Tylenol, a cold pack, etc. It was such a nice "end to my session" since I actually left today. :) Thanks, L.
And on to my tww...
We did our insem on Monday. Sorry I'm just now getting around to posting about it. We used the last of our donor up there so if it doesn't work, we'll be on to a new (& improved) gentle man with Hispanic heritage, 6' tall, dark brown eyes - know anyone? kidding. So we're in the big wait and I'm doing fine. We had perfect timing and after the round of clomid, I'm certain I felt every egg drop. We'll see if the rest of me cooperated.
I hope you're all having a beautiful week. I'm looking forward to getting outa town again and being farther than just a drive away. I'm not, however, looking forward to the plane ride. I swear I've seen more crashes or almost crashes with planes than I've cared to see the last few days. Anyway, enough of that.
I'll brag a little while I'm gone, I'm sure. If not, know that it's because I'm changing the world.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
I'm back home from my trip and it was everything I wanted it to be. Plenty of degrees, short sleeves and painted toe nails. To prove it, I took a picture of one finished product. Believe me, these toes are night and day compared to the "winter wear" I had on Friday. :) And feel free to comment on how long and finger'ish they are. Believe me, I know.
My trip was based around organizing another community to bring great change to their electoral strategy this fall. We met with a group that has begun to mobilize and it definitely re-energized me as I head to DC this week. It always amazes me when twenty people build on to something large enough to make a difference. Very cool. & hopefully they'll need me again because I would make that trip any time. Just beautiful.
While I was down there, I looked for her. Not because I know she's there but because, I thought for a minute, that I'd feel her if she was. I got in my car and drove around until I got lost. I kept doing a little "check-in" in hopes of simply following my heart. I drove until it was dark and finally found the place I looked for. - a beautiful adobe home, right along a mountain side. And the only thought I had was that it made me happy to know she'll visit there. The landscape is stunning. There's an ice-cream store just down the road. She'd love the pond and the red dirt.
I spent time missing her but also cherishing memories of her. & I found this next picture too. I thought it was appropriate for this post. In her scrapbook it's titled:
And they will baby. Every step.