Thursday, December 28, 2006

He's There Anyway...

It's Christmas season. This time of year - and all year - I celebrate the sacrifice God made for me in sending His son to save the world.

I don't quote scripture. I don't attend church every week. But I do pray and I smile ear to ear when I think of Jesus and the love He has for me.

My partner and I were talking yesterday about what kind of "missionaries" we are. In our state, Mormons come by the dozen. When you say "missionary" it's almost a bad word among non-mormons. But being a missionary of Christ is simply spreading His love throughout the world. We both decided it works best for us to simply talk about His love and His impact on our lives with people around us.

I don't do this to bother people. I would never say to someone, "hey, you should be a Christian. it's way better than being a Mormon!" I would never think that being Buddhist brings you less happiness than having Jesus in your life. I think about it in terms of peace. What brings you peace? Because whatever answer that may be, I know the real answer is Jesus. When you think you're having good karma - it's Jesus' love. When you think your requests are answered through meditation - they are, through Jesus.

During this season (no matter when His birthday really is), my hope is that people come to know the peace of having excepted Jesus into their hearts. He's there anyway...why not? :)

What would Jesus do?

It's been a long week. In a good way, I suppose. Just long. And when I read my last post I thought, "good God, that was only a week ago!"

I must begin my saying that my trip to visit my daughter was incredible. Seeing her eyes light up, feeling her in my arms, hearing her voice say my name - I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas gift. We played. We opened presents. We cuddled. We cried. We celebrated at Sea World until we were soaked to the bone! She is truly magical to me.

On the plane home, I was not alone in missing my child. The man next to me had just delivered his daughter to his ex-wife and wouldn't be seeing her Christmas morning. We talked for a couple of hours and I learned that it's amazing how much peace a child can bring between two people.

My ex-wife decided to spend the weekend with my daughter and me. Although it was a bad idea, my daughter was beaming playing back and forth with us. & watching her, put us in a place of love. There were times where we hugged and even spoke of memories of our lives together. & remembering her as a baby reminded us of where we came from - that even with all the mess we're in, we began in love. Our daughter can bring peace between us when nothing else can.

I realize half of the families in this country deal with divorce but I would bet that only a few of those are as nasty as mine. Mine has been a battle going on over three years with no end in sight. My fight? It's to keep my daughter. Simple as that! I don't want 1/2 the house or 1/2 the cars or 1/2 the pictures...I simply would like to be able to continue raising the child I 1/2 brought into this world. Bad people would argue that nothing I did created my daughter. A man on a radio show once asked me, "why don't you just have your own children?" I assure you, she would not be here if it weren't for the decision to make her. She was conceived with two parents and that's all she'll ever have. I don't discount the donor. I am grateful that a wonderful man, one day, donated to a sperm bank. That was his gift to us. But I, along with another very giving person, made the choice to create a child. And I have given my heart to her for the rest of her life. That should be reason enough. Families, like mine, should not have to worry about such things. And ex's, like mine, should not be allowed to create such chaos - all in the name of God.

I realize I'm going off a bit but, again, last week I got a call from a friend in DC asking if I'd be willing to talk to another non-bio mom, like me. I always say yes and sometimes I'm probably not in a good space emotionally but as I read this woman's plea for support, it broke my heart. It's Christmas. And, while we should be celebrating Jesus, someone is taking away a child from his mother and using the name of God to do it. It's disgusting. I'll never understand.

Anyway, I got back home Christmas Eve and have been missing her ever since. I wonder if she got that dollie she was hoping for. I wonder if she sang at church and what she said at her breakfast prayer. I wonder how many times she's danced with her kitties and twirled in her new dress.

Merry Christmas angel.
And Happy Birthday Jesus.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Are Hetero's This Pathetic?

This morning, at 6am, I dropped my partner off at the airport. She's going to her grandfather's funeral and I won't see her until Sunday night.

Every time she leaves I crash. Emotionally, I do better with her here. But worse, physically I'm a mess when she leaves. It's amazing how much she contributes to my life - how much she actually does for me/us. With her gone I have to do things like let the dog out and heat up my own car. God forbid it get low on gas - I might actually have to go to the gas station! She brings me coffee every morning and makes it perfectly. She hugs me every morning, almost always, before I even leave our bedroom. She is the most wonderful person I know. & I know a lot of wonderful people!

I think lesbians say good-bye differently. As her siblings left their spouse's this morning, my guess is they might have waved or said, "call you when I get there". I followed mine around for the thirty minutes I was awake before we left. I kissed her a thousand times (not enough) from the driver's seat. She called before her plane took off and again when she landed. I'm sure they were all teasing her. Do hetero's act so pathetically? Is it the same emotional need that two women have? Maybe I'm just prejudiced. Or maybe her sibilings just aren't adored like she is. Either way, my point is to say that I miss her. And to complain about all the things I'll have to live with - and live without - until I'm with her again Christmas Eve...

Monday, December 18, 2006

To Get Me To You

Speaking of traveling & tears...or was I? I’m going to see my daughter this weekend. I realize if a stranger reads this blog, not a lot will make sense. But, again, this is for me and my sanity, right? Not that it really makes sense to me either… Anyway, I leave this Friday to see the little human that means more to me than all the world.

When I say, out loud, that I haven’t seen her in almost five months I want to throw up. I wonder if she’s been okay. I wonder if she’ll be angry with me, not understanding where I’ve been and why I’ve been gone. I wonder if she’s taller and if she’s learned new songs to share. I wonder if she’s had any idea how much I’ve missed her every minute and how hard I’ve fought to get back to her. Someday I'm certain she'll know the history of us. I also know that she'll never understand how her mother and I got to this place. I don't think anyone could understand.

When I go to her, we stay in a hotel. It seems cold and impersonal but it has really been the best option so far. It's very near to her house and her favorite book store. I've been staying there for over a year so even when I'm not there, she thinks I live there. I like that.

My hope, after yet another person gives us permission to be together, is to get a little apartment. I want her to have her own room with her own things. But this weekend the same hotel and same hotel room will have to do. I'll bring the same toys, the same movies, the same clothes as always. I want her to have continuity. I want her to feel the security of "stuff" and "me" like we're always right there - even if she's driving by the hotel. Like we have a home together.

I can’t wait until we do.

I Shoot Myself

I am now a belly shooter. Ten years ago this may have meant something fantastic, even sexy. I might have been one of those girls who lay across the pool table while some hot girl drinks tequila off my stomach. Never happened. Not once. I missed the "oat sewing" years of this life. However, this one time in Denver...wait, that's another story.

Anyway, yesterday, I discovered just how brave I really can be when I want something badly enough. So brave that I keep telling myself I can't believe I'm actually doing it.

Yesterday morning at 7:45am, I had a belly shot. My partner woke me up, prepared the needle, cleaned the belly and off I went! You see, in going through the in vitro process, this is a necessity. One shot every morning. It'll eventually be three shots every morning but I'm trying not to focus too much on that right now.

My partner thought she could be the one to shoot me but I insisted - knowing if she cause me a single ounce of pain, she'd pull back. She cries even seeing my cry at a commercial. There's no way she could stick a needle threw my skin. Plus, I travel. Typically I go to Texas every other weekend and since she won't be there with me, I had better know how to shoot myself. See? It's all working out perfectly. My hope is to keep this quiet, as long as I don't get too cranky. If that happens, it'll be a sure giveaway. That's not to say that I'm generally an angel but, you know, people can tell when I'm bugged and have tears screaming down my face and my partner cringes every time I look at her.

No worries. So far, so good.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The New Old Fashion Way

I should mention that I'm about to go through invitro. My partner and I have talked about it for a while and we've decided to take the chance. I know, without putting it out to the universe, that it's a long shot. And even then, I've agreed to try twice should it not work the first time. For many reasons, it seems crazy. It's financially consuming. It's emotionally draining. But in the end, if a baby is between us and I had the chance to carry, it'll be worth it.

We've contemplated adoption. We both love the idea of bringing home a child who "needs" a family. I'm not sure where that comes from. :) My stepson talks about wanting a brother who's already old enough to play. There's an entry for the "pro" side. We'll continue to explore that but only after we try "the new-old fashion way" first.

So! Today I'm picking up Lupron. Sunday I'll begin self-injections (knowing my beautiful partner would never be okay with subjecting me to pain) and by next week, I will surely be crying every single day. I'm scared and excited and I feel brave at the same time. I'm not usually one to take such risks. & even though I'm sure I have far too much (not admitted to) stress in my life, I feel like it's the right time for us to add to our family. We're certainly not getting any younger...

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Ready or Not...

Here I am. I've been meaning to start a blog for some time. Approximately 8000 people have recommended it. Most say I should write a book or, at least, start a journal. Either way, that I should just write and write until I am empty of words. But I've been afraid. I have fear that my words, my feelings, will somehow turn into Motions or Court briefs, articles or gossip. That makes me sound erogant and I don't mean to sound important - or famous. It's more like infamous, I suppose. In reality, they are only my feelings and intended to simply be theraputic and healing - just for me.

One day I will start at the beginning. Or maybe I'll slowly take the journey backward and tell you of a story that should surely scare you to death. For now, I'll start with today.

Today is Tuesday & I miss her. I miss the smell of her skin and hair. I miss her hands on my face and the sound of her little voice. They say I'll see her soon and, in my heart, I know she'll be waiting. She's five. Every time I say that it surprises me. I think about her being 4 lbs. Or even before that, a little bean at the first ultrasound. On that day, nothing could've been better. I was on top of the world.

Today I wish she was older. What kind of parent says that? Who would wish to miss their daughters school years, first tooth fairy, first kiss? Today, I would. I want her home. I want her to be able to choose. So, with that, I want her to grow up. Of course, if I could change about a hundred things, I would wish differently. But we'll get to that another time.

For now, I'll make another wish before I fall asleep and miss her even more tomorrow.