Friday, June 29, 2007

June 29th - Twenty years ago.

Of all sad things of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, "it might have been".

And yet, another Anniversary.

Twenty years ago today, I lost my little brother. He was bright and beautiful - an identical twin to my other amazing brother. We grew up very close. We all shared the same friends - about twenty of us grew up in the same small neighborhood and there was no one spared from the story of that day.

I know many people have experienced the loss of a family member. But I tell and re-tell this story to put a face to such a senseless tragedy. My hope is that you'll spread it around in a "i know a boy who.." kind of way.

This is my memory of June 29, 1987.

Twenty years ago I was sixteen. I think back and I was such a grown up - even then. That morning I was getting ready to go swimming at a local Crazy Wave place. I'm not sure if you know but in 1987, even if you're about to swim all day, you still put on a full face of make up and curl your hair. He came in the bathroom and looked at me through the mirror and asked if he could come with me. I wanted to bring him/them. But there are two of them, twins, & that meant two tickets and I only had enough money for one. He turned away - sad that I said no. I'll never forget it. Ever.

My next memory of that day was coming home. My mom had picked me up and I made her drive around the long way so I could see if my boyfriend was outside. Waste. We came up the hill and saw what seemed like hundreds of Emergency Vehicles. Fire trucks, Ambulances, Cop cars and even a hovering helicopter. I said to my mom, "I wonder if *old neighbor man* died." She nodded. But as we got closer we could see that all the people were surrounding OUR house. All of our neighborhood was just standing and staring at OUR front door. I was terrified.

My mom threw the car into Park so hard and fast that we flew forward. She jumped out. I saw her running and I became so afraid for her. The panic in her made me fear for her safety - not even thinking my little brothers were in THAT house. I mean, the house is what everyone is staring at! There must be something awful in there. I prayed that she wouldn't go in and I got to her just in time. But I didn't save her from what she would see. We ran up as they were wheeling my brother out on a stretcher. He looked sick. Very sick. And worse, the people around him looked petrified/hollow - like they had been through a hell they'd never seen before.

My mom, with her maternal instinct, knew something was really bad. She stayed with him and left in an ambulance. I was whisked away - into the house to come to my own conclusion and to find my other brother. ...'I saw his face and he had no color. He must have had an asthma attack. I mean, he always does. We can't do any activity for very long before he has blue lips and is wheezing like crazy. That must be it!'... So I went on my way, cleaning up the mess they made in the house. Wrappers - everywhere. Weird ones - not for band aids but for long tube things that looked scary and important. But still, I was certain it was an asthma attack.

I heard a noise and ran to the window. I saw my dad pull up on the lawn. ...'he's on our lawn. He's in a big hurry!'... I went to run outside but by the time I got to the front door, my other brother had jumped in his truck and they were driving away.

I was left alone.

I went back inside and took messages from the many people that kept calling. I got tired of cleaning and taking messages so I went outside to see our friends. They were all still standing out there, staring at our house. I grabbed the basketball and asked who wanted to play Horse. I remember very clearly how they all just stared. This was my first experience with people tip toeing around me. Still, I didn't get it. We started playing Horse and no one said a single word.

But it wasn't long until the neighbors came out to get me. They said my grandmother had called them, trying to find me. They said I was supposed to go with them until my parents picked me up. I asked, "does she know Paul is sick? did she say how he was?" Their answer will be in my memory forever. "Yes honey, he didn't make it."

What? "didn't make it" - what does that mean? Didn't Make WHAT? The football team? Lunch on time? How could this be? I hadn't even begun to think it was serious - let alone, possibly fatal. And that was it. The first day of a new life for us.

I have struggled a lot with all the "what if's" from that day. What if I had taken him with me? What if I would've stayed home? What if my mom didn't have to pick me up before going home? What if I wouldn't have made her drive by my boyfriends house when every second counted? What if I would've jumped in the ambulance or made it in time to leave with my dad and had those last few minutes with him? What if - a million times.

But I realized, after many years, that none of those things would bring him back and none of it's my fault. My brother's were playing the pass out game. All the kids were doing it back then - where you hold your breath upside down and you get that sort of "rush" that makes for a great story at school on Monday. Only my one brother decided to do while he was alone, thinking he'd pull a scary trick on my other brother. Scary all right. Unforgettable.

My family has spent many hours over the last two decades educating other families and school children about the danger of this game. We traveled around to schools, churches and news programs. Every year, I try to do just one more thing to tell one more person what a tragedy this has brought to our lives. My own Party of Five is now a party of four. My twin brother is now twin-less. & my parents will never be whole again.

This year, this is my "one more thing" and "one more person". My brother was only 14 when he died. But he lived a big life and that's the part we still remember and tell and re-tell to the nieces and nephews/wives and partners he didn't get to meet. We miss him so much that even they miss him.

Happy sleeping brother.
Twenty years later and I still say, "see you soon".

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Happy Anniversary

I was reminded a few hours ago that on this very day, 10 long years ago, I met a girl who would become my best friend.

It's kind of a funny story so I thought I'd share it. Plus, she reads here and I know she'll appreciate it.

I was at a local gay bar with some friends. Another girl, a sort of friend, came up and told me that she literally met some girl who happened to be driving next to her and happened to be gay and happened to be attracted to her... and they ended up at this bar together. The "sort of" friend was very unique. A bit crazy - the crazy girl at the bar. You all have one, right? Well my reaction was, "what kind of girl do you pick up on the street?" - imaging a trucker or hooker or something not good. But she took me over to meet her and she was beautiful and naive and sweet and so fun!

She and "crazy girl" only lasted the week (this is, of course, after they bought rings together :) but we've been joined at the hip ever since.

Lately, as with most friendships, we've had a rough patch (her words) but I wanted to thank her here for the past decade. Thick and thin was the promise and there have been many, many extra thick parts the last few years. I want to thank her for the reminder of our anniversary and tell her that I love her no matter what, no matter why and no matter Who.

And while I'm thanking...thank you crazy M'angela - whichever planet you're on now - for introducing me to Jack.

50 years 'til rocking chairs.

Will Science Render Men Unnecessary

Known Donor vs Anonymous much longer will we need either?

A few of us have been talking more and more about this subject. It always seems surreal to me. This article is far more sarcastic than the actual reality of it. But I thought it was fun to read.

Let me first state, however, that just because I'm a lesbian doesn't mean I would ever prefer a girl over a boy. I have experienced both a daughter and a son and, while very different, I would never say one gender is better or easier or prettier or smarter. The reason for wanting one over the other would have nothing to do with my preferring women over men. - just to get that out of the way.

The simple thought of Cristy and I making a baby together brings me such joy. Like 'way deep down kind of joy' that I almost haven't ever felt. I mean, we're trying to do that now but imagine if we didn't need to funnel through sperm banks or deal with anonymous or known donor talk. What if the sperm was created separately and there really was no third party? C-razy! & this has nothing to do with being a "man hater" or whatever else the Nazi's think of me. I love men - many of them. But you know, the thought of one naked in my very bed makes me cringe just a tiny bit. But of course there are covers and dark shades and lights that turn off so I'm certain many of you get by just fine. (i'm totally kidding)

My partner and I have spoke very little about using a known donor. I've always been 100% against the idea due to reading too many terrible court cases. (one right here, right now!) But after entering blogland and seeing how nicely it works out for some of you, I'm probably only about 86% against it now. :) Cristy is still 100% anti. & I get it. It leaves her way out of line in the legality of it all. But she's willing to hear the good parts as long as I don't forget the bad parts.

The good parts:

There would be not only a face but also a personality.
You would know so much more about the real things. Are they the reason your child is so ... ?
Blame. :)
When your child comes to you with the "where's my dad" questions, there would be a (sort of) answer.
There could possibly be another human who loves and adores your child. & you might love them back.
A potential babysitter.
Seems physically easier.

The bad parts:

Your child could possibly be related to five other boys in his home room class.
There's the legal stuff - in this State, he could come back for visitation rights.
People (family) might treat the donor with a title far too intimate that I'd like.
There would be another person who might love and adore your child as much as you do. (selfish me)

I'm really thinking hard about it. No rush. Just trying to put all our options on the hard, cold, baby making table.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

And Another...

Another day, another news story. But this is written well and each of you should read it.

This particular woman, whose picture you will see in the article, is my friend. Not only do we share the same incredible attorney, we share the same unfortunate story. I've talked about her here before - her courage to fight for her child in a state that is fighting hard against her. I've talked about other mom's out there who read and comment here - same story, different place. All of us had children that we planned to parent forever. And all of us have lost them - temporarily.

But today, I want to talk more about the women who are doing this.

In this article you will read that her ex partner ended her relationship with her daughter the day after my ruling was issued. I met her before that and I listened to the fear she had about what would happen should my ruling come back against me and Gracie. First of all, I was terribly naive to think I would really lose Gracie and secondly, I was terribly naive to think that people would echo what my ex did to our daughter. I was actually shocked to receive her phone call that Sunday night.

But this is the problem. These women, many of them, are still walking around my community. And yours! Our Gay Community! Some are flying rainbow flags from their homes, some are heading parenting groups. Some are leading organizations that swear to secure the rights of lgbt families. Some are going to the bars and dancing the night away while their children are being babysat by someone other than their Other mother!

If you know anyone who is doing this, and I believe many of you do, demand an answer! I know you're probably not wanting to get involved. Or maybe you're thinking there are two different sides to every story and it's not your business. Maybe you're wanting to give it time to see how it really pans out. But it IS your business! It will effect you and your (future) family forever because the more it happens, the more common it will be. The more it happens, the more case law is developed to defeat future cases like Yours and Mine and Gina's and Leah's and Em's and Denise's, etc. & those cases are not just defeating us, they're defeating our children - YOUR children.

I have severe baggage around this whole thing. Obviously, I lost my daughter and will live with that fact until I can be with her again. But I also hold incredible guilt for being the "excuse" these women are throwing around. I have heard that people are using the threat of the "j*nes v b*rlow" case. "Well, you know about the ruling - you know what I can do!" My ruling, my life is the permission they needed to act so selfishly. It's the catalyst that Gina's ex needed to take her daughter away. & it's happening more and more.

If you know someone who is doing this very thing, ask them about it on behalf of Your family. You deserve an answer because it's not just their child they're hurting, it's your child too. They lose a parent - the end. Just like 1/2 the other "marriages" around the country - our relationships end and, most of the time, badly. But that doesn't have ANYTHING to do with our children.

I know I bring this up every few months but I'm hoping, someday, there won't be a need for it. Until then...

Don't Back off! Step UP!

Monday, June 25, 2007

I Won A Scooter!

Here she is! Isn't it pretty? Well, maybe I didn't "win" her. Maybe I just won the auction that sold her. Still! Isn't she pretty? Mine's still in a big box but this one looks just like it!

The story goes...We were at an HR*C Fundraiser Saturday night. The air was dry, there were double cosmo's flowing. And there happened to be SEVEN of these babies at the silent auction. Not only is it so cute, it was also for a great cause!

How could I resist? And Cristy, with all my begging and batting of lashes (& did I mention the double cosmo's?) - she had no chance! So now I need to trade in my powder blue hat for baby pink! I also want to add one of those cute baskets too. & now I can zoom around town with Cristy and her little retro bike!

I'm so lucky!! No birthday or Christmas for me! Just a new hat, a new flowy scarf, a new basket, maybe some matching shoes, etc., etc.

Thanks baby!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

First Day of Summer

Out with Spring! Time for iced-tea & air conditioning! Springtime in Utah is usually hot enough to be considered summer. But it's the still the end of a season! Time to heat up!

This morning someone asked me my favorite summer memory as a kid. It goes like this:

It's sort of a lot of memories but one activity. It went on for years. My mom would let us know around 7:30 pm that we were going to pack up and go to the drive-in. We all knew that meant we should get on our pj's and start cooking popcorn. She would do this weird 'popcorn in a pan' thing and then we'd stuff it into layered paper sacks. The butter wouldn't seep through and we'd have two huge grocery bags of popcorn - one for the front seat and one for the back. Wonderful! She'd load us into the Ford Fairmont and, lucky for me, I got the front seat every time. My brothers are twins and are a couple of years younger. They always fell asleep during the first show. But I was smarter than them. I knew this was My time with My mom. I would do anything to stay awake and just sit there with her. She would give me "sneak" sips of her Pepsi and I would eat enough popcorn to make me sick for days. I don't remember a single movie we ever saw - just the time we spent preparing for those double features that mostly just included me sitting with her and hoping to be just like her one day.

Summer is all about those spontaneous moments. Waking up and saying "let's plant five trees today" or Cristy ordering pasta salad from the pub and driving us up to the canyon for an impromtu dinner date. Today is the first day of summer and the longest day of the year. What can I squeeze in to make it memorable? I mean, should we all be doing something "else" today since we have more daylight? What do I typically stop doing when the sun goes down? Maybe I'll be gardening and think "oh, if only I had another 38 seconds to pull those last few weeds". Or "you know, I should call my good friend because there's still a few more minutes of sunshine today". Either way, it's all downhill from here people. Days will be shorter and shorter and pretty soon we'll be counting down to Christmas.

But wait! There are so many wonderful things that come before Christmas! Our housewarming party, a river rafting trip! Equality Utah's Allies Dinner and the wedding of our dearest friends! There is much to be done and the sunshine is running out!

But if you're already over that hump and counting, (as am I) there are still One hundred and Eight seven days until Christmas :)

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

A - Mazing!!

I am happy. I am filled. The concert was beautiful! - maybe even one of my top three!

I wish I could post pictures but I was too excited to get there and forgot my camera. boo.

I'm not sure how all of you do it in your cities but the whole "preparation" part is very big here. We wait in line for six hours. Rain or Shine. Cristy got there before noon and I joined her around 2pm. Luckily, she had made friends with the girls around her so by the time I got there we were one big family. We played cards, we drank, we ate fruit & licorice and tried to stay hydrated. Very hot. But so worth it!

When the gates opened, we had our "runners" up front so they could throw the blankets and save the spots. The slow ones (me) waddled in just seconds behind with the chairs, etc. It's all part of the plan. We made it to front and center and I couldn't have been happier. In fact, I forgot to ask J if she was trampled in line - staying back with all the coolers! It must have been a war zone!

The crowd was full of friends, ex-friends, ex-partners, etc. But something about it makes it all perfect. Everyone singing the same song seems to bring peace for a few moments.

Anyway, the Girls played for two hours and it wasn't nearly enough. After the concert ended, we all stood around and talked about the tour and where we could see them next. So far, the answer is Austin. But next year, I won't be missing Humphrey's.

What is it that makes us love them so much? What is it that makes us cheer every time they swear or say "gay" or "queer"? I laugh at myself for being one of those girls who would follow them off the earth but it's true - I am a lover. The biggest fan.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Amy Ray!!

In just a few short hours I will be in front of the most beautiful women in all the land! The Ind*go Girls will be here, at Redbutte Gardens, Tonight!! I am a fan. A b.i.g. fan! I'm certain that if you're not, there must be something wrong with you. I mean, even straight girls have love for Amy. Even better, gay men love them!

I have seen them many, many times over the years. I have stalked them across state lines more times than I can count. CA, CO, NV, NH, WA... It's more than just being surrounded by my people. It's poetry and unification and peace. It's raw emotion and every lyric can be dipped into my life and compared with something I feel or have felt or will most certainly feel by the time the next cd comes out. :)

Last year, I had spent this weekend with Gracie in San Antonio. We listened to the ipod full of Amy (& a lot of Pink & Kelly Clarkston). She sang loudly and begged me not to. But on the flight home I listened to Come On Home over and over. I was picked up at the airport and driven straight to the concert. The first song they sang? Yep. It was requested but not by me. But it was a sign. I thought. Today I've been focused on All that we Let In, Lay My Head Down and Fly. But no more signs. It's all just life. It's healing.

Some of you have seen this tour already. I read it when you brag about it. This woman rubbed it in deeper than most because she actually saw Amy at Humphrey's - and that's the best place on earth to have someone sing to you.

I wish you could all come tonight. Maybe some of you will be there. If so, I will join you in song because God knows I can't keep my mouth shut or my feet still. Leah, I wish I could take you for your (a bit belated) birthday! I will think of you through the songs that keep me still and thoughtful.

Whether you want it or not, you'll hear about this tomorrow.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Today's Gift

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12

My amazing boss & dear friend spoke these words to me yesterday afternoon. Yesterday was a hard day, as you might have noticed. I always think I can fool the average fool but he's not that guy. He noticed early on that my day had spiraled and I was barely above water by lunchtime.

I made him repeat it twice because the devil on my left just wasn't listening. After that, I asked him to send it in an email so I could be sure to read it multiple times last night. Instead, it has become my full time mantra and I am realizing just how heavily "losing hope" is weighing on my spirit.

Losing something as precious as hope has not been an option for me. I have always had some kind of battle that I could fight that would, at the very least, keep me hopeful. When I first lost Gracie, I had hope that I would be with her soon. I held my breath for almost a year and carried hope as close to me as my own skin. & when I had to start fighting, there was always hope we would win. & we did. Over and over. We won every round of everything. Every Commissioner, every Judge - the Child Psychologist, the Guardian Ad-L*tem. Everyone was on the side of us being together and keeping me hopeful. & when we won over and over, I had hope that routine would set it and our lives would become "normal" again. But then we lost. & we lost big.

So I'm at this place where I want to keep hopeful. I want to keep the battle going that gets me to her. Some days it just seems too far away. Other days, I just hold her tightly in my thoughts and walk all the way through bedtime. Either way, hope is what I need to stay above water. Deferring it is not an option.

And to those of us waiting for new pregnancies or waiting for a little girl from Taiwan or a handsome boy from Guatemala, use this little proverb to shut up that damn devil on your left! Because there is always hope.

And to those of us who are waiting for our little girls and little boys, there's not only hope but also justice. Hold on, it's coming right along. (Congrats Massachusetts!)

"I know what you're asking today, `How long will it take?' I come to say to you this afternoon, however difficult the moment, however frustrating the hour, it will not be long, because truth pressed to earth will rise again. How long? Not long, because no lie can live forever. How long? Not long, because you still reap what you sow. How long? Not long, because the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice."
Dr. Martin Luther King

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

At the end of the game...

...the King and the Pawn go back in the same box.

I am feeling like the Pawn lately. & trying to remind myself what it's all about and that there will be a different ending than the one than looms over me now.

I sat with friends at dinner last night and our conversation drifted to the days when my life was consumed with court and media. I spoke about a few memories and even Cristy was surprised at what I shared. But it's funny, after I got visitation, I stopped thinking about all those awful times. Those were the days that were supposed to disappear when Gracie finally came home. And they did for a while. But lately, I think about it far too often - just questioning what the whole journey was really about.

We talked about what children remember and I tried to think of my earliest memories. I know there are things she won't forget but I suppose it depends on what she's being told. Where does she think I went all of the sudden? What did they tell her when she asked? If I could have just had one last conversation - just one - to prepare her for a wait. If I could have sneaked pictures in her room or left her my favorite t-shirt or just told her that, no matter what, I will always be right here.

I was at a local outdoor mall yesterday - waiting for Cristy while she shopped. I sat at the fountain to watch the children play and I began to cry. I saw a little girl and, for a moment, I thought she might be mine. Realizing she was years younger, I thought I may have lost my mind. I was embarrassed and disgusted that I might not recognize my own child and then I realized that the next time I see her, I may not. Eight years from now, we might be standing at the same lip gloss counter and I'll be looking at her and all of her friends - knowing that my Gracie is that same age. But what if it's really her? & what if I miss it?

Now that she's back in Utah, I look for her everywhere. But what will I do if I spot her? Will I run to her and hold her tightly? Will I stay back knowing it might cause confusion for her? God help me figure out a solution to this madness.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Party Planner

I remembered a story this afternoon that I'm almost ashamed of. Almost.

I thought of it because we are getting ready to send out a big invite to our housewarming party and how in the world do you choose who to invite? Seriously! We don't have a big house. Nor do we have the resources to cater for our fabulous friends. And, in case you hadn't heard, the gays love parties! But the gays have also all loved each other before so you have to deal with exes and ex friends and ex roommates, etc. You have to deal with close friends vs 1/2 friends. People you know through community and people you'd like to know better. And if you invite one person in a particular office, must you invite them all? These things are complicated. If only it were as easy as my earlier party planning days...

I was never able to invite more than 5 or 6 kids to my birthday parties. And even then, it seemed they were children of my parents friends and not the kids I would've invited myself so...
I created a solution! I told all my friends in my 1st grade class that my birthday party was at my house on a certain day that I knew my mom wouldn't be home (& nowhere near my real birthday). One by one they were dropped off in the driveway and their parents drove away. It was perfect! All my best (at the moment) friends - presents in hand! I got all sorts of fun things and even had chips and soda for my guests! ...but wouldn't you know it? My mom came home early and blew the whole damn thing! I was busted and all the presents got sent home with all the kids who knew I was a big, fat, NOT seven year old.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

I was sure by now...

that you would have reached down & wiped my tears away - stepped in and saved the day. but once again, I say Amen...and it's still raining.

Sometimes prayers don't cut it. You'd think I would've learned this by now.


It's been a hard weekend. Friday just hurt and even though I spent the evening in the arms of my dearest friends, the rest of it was barely tolerable. So many of you have been in these shoes and I've been here enough times to know what a negative test feels like. But this time it was after more work than ever. You know, living with foreign medication in my body for six months. Paying more than a 1/4 of my annual salary. And just waiting so damn long.

I remind myself that I'm not a failure. My heart gets it right. My body messes it all up. Years ago I thought we were a team. The last few years has reminded me that I have my own internal battle going on.

The good things:

I was reminded by the nurse that I can now have a drink. In fact, she recommended it at the end of our phone call at 2 in the afternoon. Also, I can have s*x. While this is a bonus, you can imagine how sexy I feel at this point. And, of course, I now have the luxury of no needles every day. wow. lucky me.

But this is my one and only post that will focus on this. We are going to try another time and I'm going to try to do it with as much hope as this time around. I'm going to keep reading all the blogs that keep my going. I'm going to start my meds again. I'm going to keep praying on my way to work. I'm going to keep wishing on every lit candle and every shiny penny. I'll even click my shoes because this is something I want for us - more than almost any other thing!

Thanks to all of you who've said such loving things. Cristy and I feel so blessed to have so many positive wishers in our lives.

* I will praise you in this storm. I will lift my hands. For you are who you are - no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried you hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm. - Casting Crowns.

Friday, June 8, 2007


The call came and the answer was no. Damn.

I started feeling it yesterday but it's still a surprise and never good to hear.

We'll start again next month and try IVF one more time. After that, we'll start looking into adoption. At least that's the plan as of today.

Thanks for all your thoughts and well wishes. I appreciate you all so much.

Have a nice weekend.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Not looking so good...

I started cramping a little today - sore breasts, etc. I feel like I'll be starting my period tomorrow. Weird because I've never had this short of a cycle but I suppose that's what all the meds are about.

I don't feel like I'm being negative - just confident in how I feel.

But still, I'll get my beta back tomorrow and we'll know for sure.

Keep everything crossed, just in case.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

24601 - do you get it?

So have any (or all) of your seen Les Miserables?

I saw it for the first time in 1986. My mom took me and I cried through every minute of it. I've seen it many time since then and for some reason, I found myself connected with the character of Eponine. She sings On My Own after realizing the love of her life chooses someone else. And then she dies. Tragically. Hence the title.

Well lately, and this is not a joke, I've been waking up after dreaming about Fantine, another character who only has a very small part at the beginning. I think I'm her in my dream. Maybe. And there's this song that she sings about her daughter - sort of standing up for her even though she can't be in her life. She ends up dying before they're reunited which is SO not my plan but it's just been odd how often it's been in my mind. In my dreams I'm arguing with all these women that are trying to make me feel bad and it's always very intense. I wake up sad every time. Sad & reminded that it's not so different than real life. My arms are empty just like hers. I send money & gifts but I don't know if she gets them. I have trust that someone else will raise her well but I wouldn't know either way.

The past week or so I've been singing this song throughout the day. I can't get it out of my head. But I haven't told anyone. Not my family, not Cristy, not my friends. And then...

The other night after Cristy gave me yet another shot that sent me screaming, she decided to tell me that she secretly bought us tickets to go see it - again. Out of nowhere. We're going to see a play that I've been dreaming about while I'm awake & while I'm sleeping. Could I have talked in my sleep? Subconsciously, could she have known my thoughts & found a way to bring me closer to that which haunts me?

I used to sing Gracie a song from the play called Castle On A Cloud. One little verse goes like this:

There is a lady all in white, Holds me and sings a lullaby,
She's nice to see and she's soft to touch, She says, "Gracie, I love you very much!"
There is a place where no one's lost, There a place where no one cries,
Crying, at all, is not allowed, Not in my castle on a cloud.

I hope she still hears me.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

These Days...

...are all about me. You would think that these last few days of my tww are actually the last two days of a pregnancy. I'm getting phone calls by the dozens, encouraging emails and people are even walking slowly around me - just so my ovaries don't fall out. :) & btw, I appreciate it.

I watched the Republican Presidential debate tonight. Why? I'm unsure. I guess I wanted to hear Romney dance around the fact that he's a mor*mon. He mimicked everyone else's answers about God without mentioning that they have their own book or that they began polygamy or that they started with a crazy prophet. Or maybe I wanted to hear them all swear to uphold the bible - oops, I mean...Constitution and save all the babies from the abortion loving mothers and all the soldiers from those s*x starved gay men. Or maybe I wanted to hear their ideas on how to get those pesky south of the border folk out of our perfect country. g.a.g. I was reminded that I'm on the right side and that we have some great candidates coming up for strong debate...on the other side. Did you know that Every single Democratic candidate held up their hand when asked if they would over turn Don't Ask, Don't Tell? How amazing! It's telling people. Get out & vote. You have a bit of time to register at your new address or find out where to go - please, oh please do your part.

I spent some time on the phone tonight with another non-bio mom fighting for her son & with her attorney. Her story repeatedly rips my heart out. & it's one of many. And yesterday I spent time with a friend whose case is pending here in Utah. I want you both to know - right now - that you sharing your battles with me is helpful. I cry for me and Gracie every day. The most painful thing is that it's over. Not only can I not see her, I also can't fight for her. It's still unimaginable but through you, I feel like I'm still fighting. So please, don't worry. Don't say sorry. I will be here and fight with you. I will fight your ex's who still think they have a right to participate in the lgbt community. I will fight their attorneys who think it's okay to be a leader in lgbt politics and then use straight laws against us. I'm mad with you. And I am grateful for your friendships.

As for my tww, I'm still hanging on. No signs, no symptoms. My beta is Friday early morning and I'm not sure when I'll have results. But, of course, you'll be the first to know. You know, besides my family, my human friends, etc. :) Thanks for sticking this out with me.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Post Pride

Wow! What a weekend! Proof that living in Utah as a lbgt person is not as bad as some of you may think.

I watched the news last night (& I saw you, Trista!) and they said there were over 40 THOUSAND people watching the Pride Parade! Amazing! & I think there were 30 THOUSAND tickets sold for the Pride Festival. Incredible! It was a wonderful success and we all had a great time.

Our best girls were in charge of bringing some great music and they also had cold water and air conditioning! Thank God! Possibly life saving for an over medicated girl :)

I work for a non-profit here in SLC and we had over 80 people march with us. Lots of allies and lots of children! It was wonderful! Yeager marched with his cousins along the side of the car and had a great time. Cristy insisted I ride IN the car so I had a beautiful view of everyone! I got a bit teary at the end - hormonal or prideful? Who cares!

Speaking of hormones...we're on the downside of our tww. Friday we'll do the beta test and I'm trying not to get too crazy about it. I don't feel anything. I don't feel different. I'm trying not to think that that means anything. I know we'll be okay (and try again) if it doesn't work but come on! We'll be ELATED if/when it does!

Isn't it crazy when you're trying to conceive and Everything reminds you of it? Every commercial is about home pregnancy tests! Everyone that walks by your house has a new baby in their stroller. Every time you go to a restaurant, you sit right next to the only pregnant woman in there. What is that about? I don't know if I'm just attracting it to keep focused or if the world is just rubbing it in my face. Either way, all those babies and all those pregnant women are beautiful - I just want to be part of it!!

Happy Monday!

Friday, June 1, 2007

Happy Pride!

Today is the first day of our 3 day Pride Festival here in SLC! I believe all of you around the country will be celebrating at some point this month. Gay or Straight, it's a great time to gather around and support the lgbt community!

I thought a good post today would be my coming out story. It's pretty pathetic but, again, it gives you a little "in" inside my life and isn't that what this whole blog thing is all about? :)

It was 1992, September I think. At the time, the only gay people I had every known were a couple of friends my parents had when I was growing up. That's it. I had always dated boys and, in fact, married a boy when I was 20. 10 months later I finally gave it up but no one would say I didn't try. We were best friends, never much more. So in September of 1992, it had probably been about four months since I was re-single, I was with some friends and one of them wanted to visit one of their friends who worked at a grocery store. She came outside and I hadn't paid much attention to her. But when it was time for us to leave her, she sort of walk around the circle of us and gave hugs to everyone. When she got to me, I held my breath. I still remember how different that hug was from any other I had ever experienced. We spent the next SEVEN YEARS together. I like to say it was about 5 1/2 years too long. :) I mean, she was wonderful and I learned many things but again, best friends...not much more.

During those first few years, my family all thought we were just great friends then roommates then they started questioning a little. I was terrified to come out. Why? I have no clue. My parents had gay friends, after all. Why would they judge me? I waited years but one night, it all came crashing down around me. My then girlfriend had 1/2 dumped me right before Christmas. I was driving to my parents house to bake cakes and wrap gifts when I was tapped by a UPS truck on an icy road. My car spun around several times before I finally hit the freeway wall and stopped. I was taken to the hospital and in all the chaos I said to my mother, "H is gay and I'm not. But I'm in love with her." Wow. How brave is that? NOT! I totally wimped out. But within a few days it all spilled out and, of course, it took H and I another couple of years to make a clean break.

The only drama I dealt with was my family being disappointed that I didn't trust them to love me enough. My brother couldn't understand why I wouldn't share such a big part of my life with him. My parents were stunned that I thought for a minute that they wouldn't love me the same. And my aunt just couldn't figure out how in the world we had sex. Of course. Everyone has that same aunt, right?

So, all of you, have a wonderful weekend celebrating who you are! I will celebrate you and the Pride I have for this community and the human community as a whole!

Big love!