First Kiss

I read a statistic that over 80% of woman hated their first kiss. I think "hate" is a little harsh but I must admit I fall into the majority. Since 80% of woman probably had their first kiss with a boy, this makes perfect sense to me. Okay, that was harsh and I'm honestly kidding. But also, 9% of people marry the first person they kiss and 84% of kids under 13 have already experienced that first, dreadful french kiss.

I was 13. Almost a grown up :) I was "dating" a boy in the neighborhood. He was dangerous for a 14 year old. I always crushed on the type that got in too much trouble. So... I decided he could be my boyfriend when we were on a church trip. I think we were gone for a weekend so I was feeling extra rebellious. I held his hand. I was nice to him in front of my friends. And when our church leader dropped us off, I let him walk me home.

I knew the moment was coming. I knew we wouldn't be a real couple until I kissed him. He had already kissed other girls - oh, the pressure! He walked me up to the door and we stood there for (not nearly long enough) a while. Eventually, he made his move. I'm certain it felt something like this poor child is experiencing:



Grooooooss. He ended up marrying my best friend and I doubt there's been much change in his kissing style. Poor Tricia.

Many years later, eight to be exact, I would finally have my first real kiss with a girl. And the result was much better. So was it because I was so young when I "hated" my first kiss or was it better later just because I kissed a girl? Does it seem like girls actually care that kissing is good and important? And that boys are just trying to hurry through to the next step? :) I'm laughing because I know girls who hurry through too but I never minded them as much. :)

How was your first kiss? Boy or girl? Good or bad? & how young were you? This is causing me great anxiety. You're probably wondering why I'm googling all these statistics but it's because this Saturday is my best nephews first boy/girl party - he's twelve. Twelve. I held him in my arms just over twelve short years ago. He worshipped me - still does. He won't kiss her, right? I mean, he's not thirteen - yet.

He's OUT of the Closet

Poor guy. He never saw it coming.

When we were at the movie the other night, I overheard the woman behind me telling someone that she heard Harry Pott*r was gay. People were asking whether the actor or the character was gay and she was "certain" it was the character. Before I knew it, the other end of the aisle had heard it and I knew I had to put a stop to this nasty rumor. Okay, I was chicken so it was actually my mom that hushed the gossip and told them that instead, it was his Head Master. The Mentor. The all-knowing gentleman. And the cover of next weeks People Mag*zine.

Gasp!

I thought to myself, how odd that even a fictional character can be outed. It must be hard to stay in the closet, even in the smallest way, these days. I wouldn't know but I do remember the angst that came with thinking of my orientation falling on unsafe lips. Who would they tell? Who wouldn't they tell?

I remember walking into work one day and hearing that my "boss" saw me kissing my girlfriend at a local hotel/fundraiser. Within minutes, every co-worker knew I wasn't who I said I was. I wasn't. I had lied to them for almost two years. I had a made up boyfriend that miraculously showed up in every story I told. And sometimes, he even showed up in person. The shame! I was so afraid of my people not loving me the way they loved the person I wasn't.

So today, JK Rowl*ng is being tormented for creating this character. ...For announcing he's gay After people already decided to love and respect him. How dare she allow us to know this "person" and then tell us later he's not who we thought he was? And then the queer community is bothered that she chose to wait so long. Why wouldn't she have outed him when we really need a Strong character to look up to during the last election?

Sure, it would've been great if Dumbl*dore could've began his career already out of the closet. He may have lost friends, lost promotions, lost book sales and lost some of that hair but he would've been a strong, gay man with integrity. He could've been an example to me while I hid in my closet. Just like I could've been an example to someone else in their closet.

Who cares!? He's fictional! His only love never even came to fruition! And didn't he die recently?

I wouldn't know. I've never read a single HP book and I've only seen one of the movies and it gave me nightmares because some awful black image kept floating through the sky. Maybe that was the right-wing conservatives, threatening the poor man back into that classroom closet.

Do You Remember Me?

Did I wake your walls when I walked through your door? Does my blood still run softly through the halls of your Kingdom? You carry part of me still - like a thick scar. I have left a piece of me with you. I do not want it back. It will always be.



Today I went back to the courthouse. It's the first time I've been there, when it wasn't about Gracie and my fight for her. Instead, I went there to support my sister & niece in-law. You remember...the story about the beautiful little girl with the mother addicted to heroin? Yeah, it was appalling.

Being there brought back many feelings of angst and fear and tragic endings. When I walked in the smell was so familiar - like I had known it my whole life. I walked through the scanner and felt like people were watching me, just like old times. But no one was looking at me. We were there to keep a family together and I tried to focus on that.

There was a long wait before we met before the Judge. We sat outside and I watched countless children with children walk by. My guess is that most of them were in situations they never dreamed they'd be in. Maybe some were fighting to keep their children, while others were giving them away. It was heartbreaking.

I thought about all of you. And me. All of us who want our children with all of our hearts. Some of us who haven't realized that dream yet and some that just want a second or third chance. And here are all these people who can't care for what they have. And even when they care, sometimes they don't care enough. The Judge had heard the story a thousand times. She didn't even bat an eye. "Admit heroin use, I'll issue a warrant for the father, temporary custody, come back in a week...bla bla bla"...another child who isn't being cared for by her parents.

Again, I don't know anything about drug use. I've been learning a little during this experience but I feel even more disconnected from the ability to sympathize after seeing all those kids today. How is this so hard? Why have a baby and make the promises you do and then make such a choice?

Sad, sad, sad.

Gina.

I wrote this blog a few days ago but haven't had the heart to post it. I feel like a broken record some days and this day is no different.

Back to bad news.

My friend Gina, who shares my city and has shared her thoughts here on a few occasions, has been fighting for the right to see her daughter since February. The day of my ruling, her ex-partner cut off visitation between she and her daughter. The ruling gave her the ammo to take such action and unfortunately, the courts just gave her permission to use it.

She lost this round but she's a fighter. Her attorney is amazing and together they will do everything they can to get her back to her daughter. But for now, we wait longer than we had hoped. And more wounds are made that will have to be healed.

When will it stop? When will we stop hurting each other like this? When will we stop punishing our children to prove a point? Fine! You're the biological parent! So what? Explain that to a four year old. And I've said it thousand times and will obviously continue but please, do what you can While you can. Talk about what will happen should your relationship dissolve. And maybe it won't help anyway. It didn't help my daughter. But some day it will help some one's daughter. It has to.

I know I'm preaching to the choir. I think you've all heard this a thousand times but a new day comes and I meet another mom who wants to challenge the law with nothing other than emotions. I'm meeting with a woman today whose ex-partner just took their daughter to live in another state. She left and she has no way of finding her. And no defense. No contracts. No legal guardianship. No will. Nothing. What do I say to her?

...

The biggest loser in this situation is always the child. This little girl of Gina's woke up on Friday, February 16th, not knowing that my ruling would affect the rest of her life. While Gina fights to maintain that relationship, the other mother finds it perfectly appropriate to still frequent the gay bars every weekend, participate in Pride Day with a new girlfriend, new friends - her life goes on like she's done nothing. Her new friends don't even know what she's done. They think she's just making a decision on behalf of her child. But she's making a decision on behalf of all of our children and we just let her do it. If we can treat each other this way, how on earth can we expect the world to treat us fairly? But what can we do? Picket the bars? Chase her out of Washington Square? How do we put a face to this? How do we convince ourselves that this behavior is not acceptable?

I wonder if the mother of her knew the kind of ripple effect she'd be causing by her actions. I wonder... if she knew it now, would she change her mind? Tell me what to do. Tell me where to start.

We have to do something. Isn't there a quote that says something like "the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing"?

Let's do something.

Leah

This post is dedicated to my dear friend Leah. She lives in a state that doesn't acknowledge her parental rights nor the rights of her non-biological son. She has spent the last year fighting to protect him and maintain a relationship with him. She just found out they won't hear her case - they won't give her the opportunity to be with him.

My heart is broken for you.

At the same time, I know you're strong and willing to do whatever it takes. Sometimes that means you keep fighting your way up the ladder and sometimes it means you sit still and wait. Whatever it means for you, I know you'll see it through and I know he'll love you more for it.

You are amazing. You are thoughtful and brave. You love him wholly and honestly and he will know of these long days. One day he will know.

In the meantime, please let this email be a reminder to do everything you can - while you can - to protect your kids. Legally, no matter where you live and what your laws are, write it up! Hire a lawyer. Sign your names to something that says your family's intent. Do it now. Don't wait. And don't think you won't need it.


On a lighter note, but still terribly important, if you're still on the hunt for someone to vote for next year, here's a little quiz that might get you started in the right direction.

http://www.wqad.com/Global/link.asp?L=259460

Addicts.

Yesterday was hard. And sad. I woke up many times during the night after dreaming of what Gracie's day was like. Did she leave school early? Did they see a show? Did she have cake or ice cream or both? Did her grandparents fly out for the occasion? How many phone calls did she get? I thought about her all day and loved all of your birthday wishes. Thank you.

I took the whole day off and volunteered to babysit my great niece on the in-law side. I thought it would be distracting and far better than sulking at home all day. It was. Brooklyn is a vivacious two year old who, I hate to rub it in, loves me way more than she loves Cristy. :) She loves being teased and loves Molly Tomato. We had a nice day.

Her story is heartbreaking and like nothing I've ever experienced. Her parents are drug addicts. Bad. I mean, I guess you can never be a good drug addict but they're really in a bad place. It's been a big family secret and we just learned of it recently. Her mother is barely twenty and unmarried. She's been addicted to one thing or another since she was seventeen. Seventeen! & now she's shooting herion. She has infected track marks all over her body. On her neck and between her toes. And to look at her, she's a scared child. Nothing more.

The baby has been cared for by her grandmother (Cristy's sister) off and on for a while but we had to take her back to her mother last night. We had a police escort and they looked through her house and at her before we turned her over. Even though she admits to using, they can't take the baby unless she shows physical harm. It's a new law. The apartment complex was awful but their place was clean. She came outside and told us that she's not in denial. She knows she needs help but no one will help her. All the programs are full for months and every time she/they try to quit on their own, they just save each other by getting more when the other is in too much pain. It's a vicious cycle and I have no idea how it's going to end.

She knows her daughter is better off somewhere else but she's too afraid to use the courts because she could ultimately lose her. Her grandmother is too afraid not to use the courts because she could legally come get her in any drug induced state. It's awful. It's made their relationship divisive. They can't trust each other. &, of course, I'm on the side that protects the baby so I want the grandma to get custody. At the same time, watching this other "child" on this path is so, so sad.

I have no experience with drugs. I've never even smoked a marijuana cigarette. I have no experience with relatives or friends that are users either. Nothing. I can't imagine what it's like to lose control like that. But I also don't have much sympathy. She keeps saying "we're going to treatment tomorrrow..." but why not today? Why not yesterday? She has a baby girl and every day there's a chance she'll find a needle in the garbage or get out of the house when no one's looking or find one or both of her parents dead. Tomorrow isn't soon enough.

But we left her there. We had to. We hugged them both good-bye and said we'd do anything to help. We drove away and just prayed that she'll be okay. All of them.

What do you do with that? If the law says you have to take her home, how do you help? I know she loves this little girl but she can't take care of her. She can't take care of herself. How can they hear her say she's using and let her child stay? I seriously don't understand it.

The Prophet Goes to Jail!

This is the headline story from every major news station in my State:

"Warren J*effs found GUILTY as accomplice to rape"

The leader of a polygamous Mormon splinter group was convicted Tuesday of being an accomplice to rape for pressuring a 14-year-old girl and her 19-year-old cousin into a religious and sexual union.
Finally, after years of torturing a community, he's going to jail. 5 years to life. Which means he might get as little as 7 years and as many as twenty.

I've learned much about this man over the last decade and a half. When I was twenty-one, I was studying religion and spent almost a month in Colorado City/Hildale. And over the next many years I went back several times. This place is like nothing I've ever seen. The whole place is a dirt hole filled with 1/2 built houses, broken roads - all under a beautiful backdrop of red rock plateau's. One school. One grocery store. Hundreds of children walk through the streets in packs; families. Girls must wear long dresses, long sleeves and long hair. I brought many dresses and still, I had to layer long(er) sleeves over them.

I stayed in a house with one family - one family with one husband, three sister wives and 33 children. The oldest was my age. 33 children age 21 and younger. They were actually wonderful. I loved every minute I spent with them. The teenagers would sneak "out to the sticks" and share a six pack of beer between twenty of them. They would fall in love without ever speaking to each other. It seemed so simple to me. I made friends there that I still have today. &, in fact, I introduced a friend to one of them and she ended up marrying into polygamy. (the guilt!) But back then, their prophet didn't purposely mislead them, lie to them and hurt them. Back then, they were led my a man named Rulon Je*ffs and everyone adored him.

Don't get me wrong, the lifestyle was still very strange and sometimes painful to watch. Girls would be wakened over night, at sixteen, to marry a man in a strange place. Boys would have to marry girls they didn't know when they were hoping to marry someone else. But they all agreed to it. It was God asking, not man. They signed their homes to the trust. They gave the prophet all of their earned money - in which he turned around and paid them, less tithing. They were led by a man they loved so everyone just followed him. When he died, they were torn about who would lead. It ended up being one of his many sons and it was the beginning of the end for the entire community.

He began tearing families apart. If a man didn't agree with him about something - anything, he would take away his wives and children and place them with another man. Because the homes were all held in trust, they would lose everything. In some cases, men have never found their families. They're shipped to South Dakota or Texas or Colorado. People began standing up for themselves and moving away on their own. And finally, charges were filed and he ran just like the coward he is. His people still took care of him by sending him money when they didn't have enough to keep their homes warm. They were used to being shunned and punished for wearing anything immodest but he was found in a t-shirt and shorts - plenty of skin showing. White, pasty, gross, rapist skin. He hurt so many people and still, he tried to manipulate them. He's disgusting.

So today put an end to the question of whether or not he would lead his community again. The answer is no.

These people are strange. They're odd. They're different, just like many of us. But they believed as they were taught. Their lives are unraveling and it's all many of them have every known. First they were abandoned by the LDS church and now their prophet. I feel sorry for them. I feel strongly that the big church in this state (Morm*ns) should do whatever it takes to educate, shelter and rehabilitate them. It breaks my heart.

I think of the family who took me in and gave me lessons on cooking, sewing, raising children and I have such love in my heart for them. I wonder if they're still a family. Or if they, too, were victims of this awful man.

Thanks for saying "gay"

Yesterday, I had the once in a lifetime experience of speaking before all the Walm*art managers in this great state. They called (from headquarters in Arkansas) and said they were holding a training on diversity and they would like the topic to be something like "How lgbt people contribute to corporate America" or something. I happen to do a workplace training that deals with such thing so I agreed to participate. Bad idea number 1.

I showed up early because that's just how I am. I watched the speaker before me and knew it wasn't possible for me to be more nervous than him so I relaxed. I met a few people and told them I was speaking. One lady, an HR MANAGER, asked, "so when we Get a gay employee, how do we deal with that?" I switched up my training a bit to include things like "how to Deal with a gay employee/co-worker". I figured if we got through the first steps then maybe I'd get back to my original topic.

I gave my speech. I through out every scenario I could think of when running into a "gay". I pretended to work at the Walm*art with a closet "gay" and listed some of the things I could do to make him/ her more comfortable. It was pathetic. So then I went on to the regular training and I don't think anyone heard how it could possibly be beneficial to them to hire or work with a "gay". (or any person different from them) I didn't get a single question, not a single head nod. Nothing.

When I finished, they gave me a certificate and a check. Some girl came running up and claimed to know me from high school. Then she said, "so, you kept your maiden name!" What? You aren't BORN with a maiden name. You get a maiden name when you take the name of someone else. I seriously didn't know what "maiden name" meant for about 5 seconds. Weird.

During the closing remarks, the big manager looked at me and said, "& let's all thank Keri for using such sensitive words like gay, lesbian and "t". That must be uncomfortable sometimes." Again, what? "t"? You can't even get that one out! Go ahead and thank me for standing in front of you for an hour with no more than a blink from anyone. Thank me for switching up my presentation to include terminology. But I don't need thanks for saying GAY. It's not a swearword for God's sake.

And in the elevator on the way to my car, a woman looked at me and said, "that must've been hard on you." You have no idea, lady.

September 11th, 2007

My first thought waking up today was...who will be our new Mayor? Then...Happy Birthday to my dear friend Tori. Then...

Six years ago, this country experienced a new kind of fear. I've not been on this blog long enough to have written about it before so I thought this year would be my token year to talk about the day that will never die.

We can all recall where we were and how our reality was challenged and we "couldn't believe it was real". I've heard people ask my mom where she was when Kennedy was shot or when Elvis died. This will be our question. Where were you when the towers fell?

My memory goes like this:

I was in bed. Asleep. The mother of her was over 7 months pregnant with Gracie. The phone rang and it was my aunt. She told the mother of her that I needed to turn the television on because a plan had hit my tower. I knew exactly what she was talking about because I had been obsessed with them since I first saw them in 1994. I turned on the tv and, like everyone else, thought it wasn't right - wasn't real. I was staring at it when the second plane hit the second tower and I gasped so loudly that my partner came downstairs. When they fell, I said outloud, "I think 8 thousand people just died." I thought that because I remembered hearing that 8 thousand people worked in the towers. It was devastating.

I called my work to say that I wasn't coming in but no one was there. Everyone was afraid. I was afraid. Here we were, about to bring a baby girl into this world and the world was falling out from underneath us. So many things changed that day. & from way over here in the West, we've felt it. Those of you so close...I bet you still see/hear reminders all the time.

Today we remember the towers and all the people who fell with them.

Don't you love it when...

...people do your work for you?

Bad guy, "Rev" Fred Ph*lps, has decided that he and his awful followers will travel to Utah when the missing miners are found - dead. They'll picket their funerals and claim that "God killed them because the United States love homosexuals". What? First of all, what kind of God would kill someone because of someone else and secondly...who told this man that the United States loves the homo's? I'm not feeling the love people!

And every time one of these fanaticals open their mouth, they jolt us forward unlike anything we can do ourselves. Bring it!

Bomb Scare!

Who knew? Cristy tried to send me flowers today and when she realized I hadn't got them by 4 o'clock, she called to inquire...

"but there's been a bomb threat on that block. it's been evacuated."

There I was, in my calm little building - third floor. I was minding my own business and hunting down municipal race candidates for all the local cities...no idea there was danger among us.

When we walked outside we saw the helicopter overhead. Did he honk or wave us away? Nooo! Just let us walk softly to our car - no loud alarm, no warning.

I could have been blown to bits!
But don't worry, I made it out alive. Barely, I'm sure.

And my flowers were delivered to my front door instead.
Thanks honey. xo.

Just Say No

I've returned from a very crazy weekend! I'd love to tell you every detail but I'm not sure I can sqeeze them all in!

First let me thank you for your comments and emails. Reading them always makes me smile but I was having a particularly bad time and you made it much better.

So...

Right when I got home on Friday, my other J friend picked me up and drove me to Idaho. Yes, Nevada, Idaho and Utah in three days. We went there to give her Aunt a pick me up. She's been down and needed some attention.

I had never met this woman before and J wanted to give me prior warnings so, right before we got there, she told me things like, "she can be kind of crazy", "her house might be really dirty", "her husband is very strange". I had an idea but was in no way prepared for what would really be. (that's why she didn't tell me before we left!) Right? :)

So we drive for hours and then pull up to Idaho Falls. I say "pull up" like it's a drive through but it's a bit larger than that. We drive for a minute and I see out of the corner of my eye...a SKINHEAD! A Real one! Lots of them! And they're having a party and flying their flags and dancing and drinking. It was so awful that I made J turn around so I could see it again! We drove by twice and I managed to call my mom and Cristy to tell them all about it before we made our final drive by. It was like a movie! Cr-azy! My mom

So then we get to the Aunts house. First let me say that I am not making fun of this woman. She is, indeed, lovely. You can tell she's lived a very long 60 years and she's been a wonderful person to my dear friend and that's (mostly) all that matters to me. We pull down this beautifully tree lined street. You can smell the pine cones and hear the crickets. We pull into the back of their house and the lot is large and green. It looked like someone either moved in ten years ago and didn't bring in their stuff or that they meant to move out and forgot all their leftovers. There were many, many house plants on the lid of a very old hot tub. There were dressers, chests, bins, almost anything you can think of. Rusted out things that I can't even explain.

We go to the back door - because that's the only door they use. (Later, I'll tell you they hadn't seen the front of their own house in over two years...) We knock. We knock again. We can see a dog. We see a few dogs. J leans over and reminds me that they love animals more than humans. I begin to think this is a bad thing. Finally a man answers the door but seems to have no idea he might receive visitors. He lets us in. It's so dark, I can't see anything. I follow J to the window and she's making small talk. 'how are you? why aren't the lights on? where's (aunt)?

It was crazy. No lights. Four very dirty dogs. Filthy, overly friendly cats. And this amazing house that you can only see through the light of the sun and under layers and layers of stuff. Dust so thick on the railing that you could tell no one had touched it in years. It was like walking into a home that had been left behind in the fifties.

It turns out, he inherited it from his parents who died over a decade ago. So basically, it was cared for by very aged humans and then left to a man who won't let anyone touch a thing. He's lived there for over 10 years! Books everywhere with dust so thick it's greasy. The kitchen? oh, I can barely go there. The floor looks like a dirt floor. You think I'm kidding because that sounds unbelievable. It's true. I urged everyone to the kitched because it had the most light but when I went to pull the chair from the table, it stuck to the floor. Really. It seems odd to say it's not partly the aunts fault but this guy is kind of whacko. Supposedly she tried to clean it a couple of years ago and he totally freaked! I'm sure his dead parents are still walking the halls. And if not, who can blame them? Even a ghost would have to Mr Clean themselves after only seconds.

So we sit down at the table and the aunt begins a story that starts out something like ... she's known well at the county jail. She's famous in Utah for her criminal record, etc. What? She's a felon? And the stories went on. J knew many of them but even she was shocked at a few. I felt like such a prude - just begging my face not to show what I felt. I was like that long blond haired girl in Grease that kept gasping with her hand over her mouth! I've never heard so many stories of drugs, alcohol, jail and strippers. It was very entertaining. We joked that they should be on Oprah or write a book but really, it was frightening and there is so much pain - even death - because of all the addiction history. It was very sad.

They took us to the brand new Olive Garden for dinner and then we lied about having a free hotel room so we wouldn't have to go back to that house. I think we both felt bad about it but I promise you, we wouldn't have made it out alive. Or without disease, at least.

The trip was memorable. I would be willing to go back and be more helpful if there was more we could do. I love cleaning houses that are that awful but they would have to be gone and I would have to have full discretion on what stays and what goes. ewwe.

J and I had some good conversations about Gracie and ex's and new love and sustaining love. We talked at length about our friendship and how important it is to keep it up. That conversation alone was worth the trip. I'm hopeful.

& I'm grateful for my parents!! Can I just tell you that I've never been so grateful that my parents gave me rules and were entirely too strict and bothered me about what I was doing and who I was doing it with? & even though my mom has a peotye story that makes me blush and they may have had far too many hippie parties & pot in the frige when I was young, I am happy to death that they eventually became grown ups and didn't just raise us as their friends.

To hear a sixty year old woman talk about using meth...breaks my heart.

And Another...

Another day, another news story. But this is written well and each of you should read it.

This particular woman, whose picture you will see in the article, is my friend. Not only do we share the same incredible attorney, we share the same unfortunate story. I've talked about her here before - her courage to fight for her child in a state that is fighting hard against her. I've talked about other mom's out there who read and comment here - same story, different place. All of us had children that we planned to parent forever. And all of us have lost them - temporarily.

But today, I want to talk more about the women who are doing this.

In this article you will read that her ex partner ended her relationship with her daughter the day after my ruling was issued. I met her before that and I listened to the fear she had about what would happen should my ruling come back against me and Gracie. First of all, I was terribly naive to think I would really lose Gracie and secondly, I was terribly naive to think that people would echo what my ex did to our daughter. I was actually shocked to receive her phone call that Sunday night.

But this is the problem. These women, many of them, are still walking around my community. And yours! Our Gay Community! Some are flying rainbow flags from their homes, some are heading parenting groups. Some are leading organizations that swear to secure the rights of lgbt families. Some are going to the bars and dancing the night away while their children are being babysat by someone other than their Other mother!

If you know anyone who is doing this, and I believe many of you do, demand an answer! I know you're probably not wanting to get involved. Or maybe you're thinking there are two different sides to every story and it's not your business. Maybe you're wanting to give it time to see how it really pans out. But it IS your business! It will effect you and your (future) family forever because the more it happens, the more common it will be. The more it happens, the more case law is developed to defeat future cases like Yours and Mine and Gina's and Leah's and Em's and Denise's, etc. & those cases are not just defeating us, they're defeating our children - YOUR children.

I have severe baggage around this whole thing. Obviously, I lost my daughter and will live with that fact until I can be with her again. But I also hold incredible guilt for being the "excuse" these women are throwing around. I have heard that people are using the threat of the "j*nes v b*rlow" case. "Well, you know about the ruling - you know what I can do!" My ruling, my life is the permission they needed to act so selfishly. It's the catalyst that Gina's ex needed to take her daughter away. & it's happening more and more.

If you know someone who is doing this very thing, ask them about it on behalf of Your family. You deserve an answer because it's not just their child they're hurting, it's your child too. They lose a parent - the end. Just like 1/2 the other "marriages" around the country - our relationships end and, most of the time, badly. But that doesn't have ANYTHING to do with our children.

I know I bring this up every few months but I'm hoping, someday, there won't be a need for it. Until then...

Don't Back off! Step UP!

Today's Gift

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12

My amazing boss & dear friend spoke these words to me yesterday afternoon. Yesterday was a hard day, as you might have noticed. I always think I can fool the average fool but he's not that guy. He noticed early on that my day had spiraled and I was barely above water by lunchtime.

I made him repeat it twice because the devil on my left just wasn't listening. After that, I asked him to send it in an email so I could be sure to read it multiple times last night. Instead, it has become my full time mantra and I am realizing just how heavily "losing hope" is weighing on my spirit.

Losing something as precious as hope has not been an option for me. I have always had some kind of battle that I could fight that would, at the very least, keep me hopeful. When I first lost Gracie, I had hope that I would be with her soon. I held my breath for almost a year and carried hope as close to me as my own skin. & when I had to start fighting, there was always hope we would win. & we did. Over and over. We won every round of everything. Every Commissioner, every Judge - the Child Psychologist, the Guardian Ad-L*tem. Everyone was on the side of us being together and keeping me hopeful. & when we won over and over, I had hope that routine would set it and our lives would become "normal" again. But then we lost. & we lost big.

So I'm at this place where I want to keep hopeful. I want to keep the battle going that gets me to her. Some days it just seems too far away. Other days, I just hold her tightly in my thoughts and walk all the way through bedtime. Either way, hope is what I need to stay above water. Deferring it is not an option.

And to those of us waiting for new pregnancies or waiting for a little girl from Taiwan or a handsome boy from Guatemala, use this little proverb to shut up that damn devil on your left! Because there is always hope.

And to those of us who are waiting for our little girls and little boys, there's not only hope but also justice. Hold on, it's coming right along. (Congrats Massachusetts!)

"I know what you're asking today, `How long will it take?' I come to say to you this afternoon, however difficult the moment, however frustrating the hour, it will not be long, because truth pressed to earth will rise again. How long? Not long, because no lie can live forever. How long? Not long, because you still reap what you sow. How long? Not long, because the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice."
-
Dr. Martin Luther King

Still a Wreck . Part II

I have been overdosing on self loathing lately. I can think of a thousand things that are not the way they should be. I can cry 42 minutes out of every hour, if I want to. It's a talent I never dreamed to have. & I'm not sure if I'm just over medicated or if I'm really justified in my grief/fear/sadness. I feel foolish.

Let's talk, for a minute, about exes. I don't think mine needs any introduction and I'm sure she'd say the same for me. But what if weird sort of things started happening with an ex of your partner? What if their ex started calling them "honey" or "baby" and it just happened to be at a time when her relationship was ending? What if she started giving your partner pictures of her child (not your partners) for Mother's Day? What if she just became way more friendly than usual, with both of you, then all of a sudden you find out that she Named Her New Dog THE SAME NAME AS THE DAUGHTER you just LOST? Seriously, I'd like any answers you might have. Any. Because after the last example of odd behavior, I'm finding it all inexcusable!

As many of you know, there is a lot of past pain between us. But is that enough? As a human being, could you really ever do such an awful thing to someone? The excuse is that she "likes the name". Who doesn't? It's a beautiful name that was given to most precious thing in my life. It's a name that brings me from joy to tears in 1.5 seconds. It's the name of a daughter I lost and will not see again for many, many years. Is it enough to simply like the name?

When the dog was introduced to me, it stung. My stepson gently said, "do you know what her name is?" And I said yes. I figured it had been her name for a long time. I figured the name existed before the new girlfriend came along. I told him it was okay. Lots of things have the name Gracie - babies, dogs, cats, grandma's. But to find out that she actually gave her that name - on purpose, very recently - hurts me in a way that I can't describe.

***

I went to the grocery store last night and for the first time in a very long time, I looked for her. Before she moved away, I did that everywhere. The park, the grocery, the mall, the streets. Having her away felt safe in that I wouldn't have to be ripped away from her - but having her close feels comforting; knowing she's close enough to play in my parks, shop at my grocery & malls and walk down my streets. We are breathing the same air and that's as close to cradling her as I'm going to get for a while.

Ask Questions and Demand Answers

I've been wanting to talk about this for a while but I've backed off in fear of igniting old wounds that I'm in no place to deal with. But today, it's not about me or the mother of her. It's about integrity and unity and community and I am angry.

Incase you hadn't heard, I am a lesbian. It's one of many ways to describe me but it's one of the bigger parts. It's added to other parts like: woman, feminist, lgbt advocate and activist and those are things that guide my soul and direct my life. No matter what I think of someone personally, the "whole" of the situation and the impact to my community matters very much.

So basically, I don't care if you want to leave your partner. I hate to see relationships fail just as much as the next person but it's not my business. Just don't expect my support when you abandon your child and refuse to keep promises you made to them. And if your partner left you for another man/woman, I'm sorry but I will never support you using that reason to take away another persons child. And I don't care if you have conviction to support current law as is, if it has negative effect on our children or our families, you don't deserve support or clout from this community.

If you know of a business or business owner who is hurting our families, don't spend your money there. Don't groom your dog there and don't donate money to organizations that allow this kind of behavoir. If you have friends who are considering taking away their partners child, demand differently. Demand that they explain their behavoir and if it's not good enough, please don't support it. Their are too many of us walking around this community after leaving our children or taking away our children or defending that behavoir in a court of law - it's disgusting and until we say it's not allowed, they'll still be there.

Be VERY Afraid...

This was just sent to me. It was posted on the website of the Alliance Defense Fund after my ruling. They are the radical Christians that funded my ex partner through this nightmare. I'm only sharing it because there are some of you who have asked about them. I think this will give you a good idea of what their case was based around and what they think of sinners like me - an "advocate of lesbian behavior".

I assume it's fine to post it because it's on the internet. If I take it down, you'll know why.


A HUGE Victory For a Mother and Daughter...A HUGE Defeat for the Homosexual Legal Agenda...!In 2001, two Utah women engaged in a lesbian relationship, Cheryl B**low and Keri Jo**s, entered into a "civil union" in Vermont. They then returned to their home state, which does not such recognize "civil unions" and five months later, Cheryl became pregnant by artificial insemination, and had a daughter we'll call "Kathy." 1

Frank M**ar, "then – THANKS BE TO GOD – Cheryl became a follower of Jesus Christ, quit her lesbian behavior, and ended the relationship with Jones, who was an advocate of lesbian behavior. Jones had no biological, adoptive link, or any link to young Kathy, but Jones sued for visitation with the child, claiming that somehow she was Kathy's "psychological parent." Sadly, incredibly, a lower court agreed with Jones' demands and ordered visitation with Kathy -then three years old. This was emotionally traumatic for Kathy as she was exposed to numerous instances of lesbian sexual and other behavior and the deliberate undermining of the Christian values and beliefs that Cheryl, who had moved to Texas, was trying to instill in her daughter. ADF allied attorney Frank M**ar appealed to the Utah Supreme Court. Meanwhile a very frightened Cheryl, extremely concerned for Kathy's welfare, refused to allow more visitations and was sentenced to jail. Unless the Utah Supreme Court overruled the lower court, Cheryl was headed behind bars – simply for protecting her Kathy! After nineteen long months of deliberation, the Utah Supreme Court issued its ruling this past Friday – overruling the lower court, affirming Cheryl's parental rights, and denying Jones demand for forced visitation! Thanks to you, your prayers, and support Cheryl will not be going to jail, Kathy no longer has to go through the psychological trauma of her visits in an environment of lesbian sexual advocacy, and advocates of homosexual behavior were denied the legal precedent they wanted to fabricate visitation and custody for "psychological parents." Amen!

ADF Senior Counsel Joe Inf**nco says: "Protecting the well-being of this dear child trumps the desire of a legal stranger to usurp the care and protection of that child's mom...When the trial court granted visitation rights to a legal stranger in a non-marital relationship, they fabricated a precedent that had not existed before. If it had stood, it would not only have threatened the emotional well-being of this child, but countless others caught in a similar situation."