What to Think?

So I heard about this story on the news a few days ago and thought it was one of those "myth buster" shows. Then I saw in Pe*ple Magazine and realized it must be true. It is true.... what?

It turns out it's no myth at all and it's certainly not some kind of freak show either. It's a story of a transman who was smart enough to keep the girl parts that allow some of us to create a child. I'm not saying that trans men who choose to opt out of all things female are stupid, I'm sure they're not. But for this guy & his wife - what a bonus!

I have to admit, I couldn't stop looking at the photo of him with that beautiful belly full of baby. Like me, you must be curious. & imagine... being a woman, married to a man and having a conversation that went something like this:

Wife: I'm just so tired of this ttc thing. I've tried and tried and failed and failed. I think we need to start looking into other options.

Hubby: Honey...I'm so sorry. I wish it wasn't so hard. Hey, I just thought of something! Why would we consider further options when we have another perfectly healthy womb right here? (points to self)

Many of you have had this same conversation (well, the YOU that are lesbians) but I bet you never thought that the hetero couple down the street could possibly do the same thing. Yeah, me neither. I think it's amazing.



Thoughts?

Here Come the Brides!

Yesterday, Cristy and I took J&E shopping for their wedding attire. Separately.

I went with E and we spent four hours in a dress store just to have her buy the first dress she tried on. I say, that's magic! That's when you know you got it right! Not that seeing in her in that gown wasn't proof enough. She is beautiful. She's going to be even more beautiful when J sees her.

Cristy's experience wasn't as girlie emotional but she was still so cute telling me little snippets as we checked in every hour or so. We are both so happy to have them in our lives and even happier that they found each other.

***

So, let's talk about gay weddings for a bit - gay weddings in a place where you can't really be a legal bride. It will do nothing to solidify your relationship in the courts or prove something to your neighbor. But is it still worth it? Is it worth it to show your commitment to your friends and family? & then, aren't you really doing it for them? Aren't gay weddings really just about sharing your happiness and commiting yourselves in front of God and everyone? And isn't it even more special that we do it even though we don't really get anything from it like lower taxes or Social Security benefits?

I've typically been against the idea but that's only because I'm bitter. I'm bitter that I traveled across the country to marry my partner in VT (thank you, Gov Dean) and that marriage/union still didn't protect me and my daughter when our relationship dissolved a few years later. I almost hate that I included my entire family and all of our dearest friends in a union that didn't work. & I'm bothered that our marriage's aren't blessed or taken seriously by organizations that typically support marriages in times of celebration and pain. It's unfair.

So, what's the scoop? What do you think? Is it worth having a ceremony? Is it worth having another one if you've already totally messed one up? For our best girls, it is the very best choice. But what about for you? Yea or Nay?

Still a Wreck . Part II

I have been overdosing on self loathing lately. I can think of a thousand things that are not the way they should be. I can cry 42 minutes out of every hour, if I want to. It's a talent I never dreamed to have. & I'm not sure if I'm just over medicated or if I'm really justified in my grief/fear/sadness. I feel foolish.

Let's talk, for a minute, about exes. I don't think mine needs any introduction and I'm sure she'd say the same for me. But what if weird sort of things started happening with an ex of your partner? What if their ex started calling them "honey" or "baby" and it just happened to be at a time when her relationship was ending? What if she started giving your partner pictures of her child (not your partners) for Mother's Day? What if she just became way more friendly than usual, with both of you, then all of a sudden you find out that she Named Her New Dog THE SAME NAME AS THE DAUGHTER you just LOST? Seriously, I'd like any answers you might have. Any. Because after the last example of odd behavior, I'm finding it all inexcusable!

As many of you know, there is a lot of past pain between us. But is that enough? As a human being, could you really ever do such an awful thing to someone? The excuse is that she "likes the name". Who doesn't? It's a beautiful name that was given to most precious thing in my life. It's a name that brings me from joy to tears in 1.5 seconds. It's the name of a daughter I lost and will not see again for many, many years. Is it enough to simply like the name?

When the dog was introduced to me, it stung. My stepson gently said, "do you know what her name is?" And I said yes. I figured it had been her name for a long time. I figured the name existed before the new girlfriend came along. I told him it was okay. Lots of things have the name Gracie - babies, dogs, cats, grandma's. But to find out that she actually gave her that name - on purpose, very recently - hurts me in a way that I can't describe.

***

I went to the grocery store last night and for the first time in a very long time, I looked for her. Before she moved away, I did that everywhere. The park, the grocery, the mall, the streets. Having her away felt safe in that I wouldn't have to be ripped away from her - but having her close feels comforting; knowing she's close enough to play in my parks, shop at my grocery & malls and walk down my streets. We are breathing the same air and that's as close to cradling her as I'm going to get for a while.

My turn to answer questions...

Okay, I'm just going to dive right in to some questions from http://itstakingavillage.blogspot.com/
btw, send positive thoughts for their tww.

1. What do you love about Utah? Why?

I love a thousand things about Utah but mostly I love that my family is here. & when I say "family", I mean every last relative that I have lives within about 10 miles from me. (and we love it!) I only have one living sibling and two cousins so, while it's not a large family, we are all very close. I was born in CA and I've often wondered what would've been different if we had never moved back here. I'm certain I'd have a star on a sidewalk by now but living here was worth the sacrifice. :)

We also have stunning scenery. We have very distinct seasons - all four of them - and each are breathtaking. There is reason to be outdoors year around but spring - right this minute - is my favorite.

Also, our LGBT community is very large for the size of our city and is very active and organized. I have a passion for grassroots politics and we're never left without reason to fight, as you can imagine.

2. Do you have plans to start the foundation you once referenced in your blog? If so, how? If not, why not?

I do have plans - many of them. The first thing I'd like to do is create a referral packet. It sounds simple but when I first began this life, there was only one other lesbian we knew of who had gone through something similar and I had no way to get a hold of her or hear her story. (she's still fighting and winning - xo VT) Now there are so many of us willing to share our knowledge and experience in hopes of finding easier ways to fight and, obviously, in hopes of change and happy endings. We are working on a referral system for attorneys, mediators, counselors and then, of course, we'll get into finding funding. I have heard far too many times from mother's who lost their children because they couldn't pay a retainer fee. It's disgusting.

Also, on the pro-active front, we'll have other information available on how to protect your family before something goes wrong. Pre-marital/pre-child counseling. We'll have specific training for therapists to ask the questions we don't want to ask each other. Who talks about breaking up when they're madly in love? We'll have a checklist of documents - a to-do list! So many people try to take care of that after they break up and it ends up being too late.

It's been a bit harder getting all this going since the ruling. I have to say that I removed myself for a while but there are others willing to help. In fact, we have referrals building as we speak! But I'm very passionate about it. If nothing else, imagine Gracie knowing that other children were saved from such disaster because of what she was made to go through. It's a partial band aid for me, at least.

3. If you could jet away to anywhere in the world with Cristy, where would you go? Why?

Wow. There are just so many places I would love to go with her. I suppose Italy would be my first choice. We are planning a trip there about seven l-o-n-g years from now but if we could meet on a jet today, I'd take her now! The thought of walking through stone paved streets, holding her hand...it just feels perfect. Plus - the shoes! All those amazing shoes to choose from! But back to holding hands - I imagine everything to be filled with romance and beauty and she is so those things to me.

4. How do you deal with anger and frustration created by others in your life? The system has failed you, your ex failed you and this country has failed you. How do you manage to bottle that emotion into a proactive mentality?

I get asked this question a lot. It's half funny because I don't feel I have the choice to not "deal". Whether or not I'm present, life moves along. There are days when I feel like no one has it worse than me; no one has been treated so poorly but that's not true. History has painful pages of hurt equal & worse to mine.

I could rebel against the system or rebel against relationships but Gracie and I lose just the same. & I suppose that fighting, rather than lying down, is my rebellion. Being pro-active keeps me busy and knowing I'm doing something that helps other little Gracie's, brings me peace.

In many ways, I failed Gracie's other mother too so choosing to create a life with Cristy is proving to myself that love can be real and right and lasting so, again, I rebel against walking away from finding it.

I also have great faith in God & my family has supported me intensely. I have been completely surrounded and protected since the beginning of the court case. When we were having trial after trial and I was testifying against a thousand lies, I felt very held and that strength hasn't left me yet. I suppose it will linger until I can hold my own but that's not today and I don't feel rushed.

5. If you were able to make sure Gracie knew five things, what would they be?

Holy cow, Erin. You are creating something for the journal for Sure!

I would want her to know, first, that I never left her. That I loved her before she was born and never, ever stopped. That she was created from real love, not mistakes. That I tried my very hardest to keep her. And that I will be coming for her the very minute I can.