Sunday, April 6, 2008

Wonderful Dreams

We're wrapping up a great weekend, once again. I'm looking forward to heading upstairs and sleeping soundly. Our new blinds let my beauty sleep soak in until 9:14 this morning. I think that's about to become a habit.

But my dreams...

4 of the last 5 nights have been full of wonderful dreams. I've dreamed of holding Gracie while she slept, hugging her so tightly with her hair blowing against my cheek and then swimming with her and watching her wave her magic wands through water. The water one has happened almost every night. But just feeling her in my arms and seeing her face so closely has made me remember how wonderful it was. And how badly I miss her.

She turned 6 1/2 on Friday. For some reason, I always remember that. I'm guessing the mother of her did as well. I know she's loved. I know she's cared for. But you know how you just feel like no one can do it like you do? Not that I was always perfect. But I know I love her in a way that no one else does/can. It's just something special that I hope to always hold.

We have this cool digital frame thing that, like me, you all got for Christmas. It goes through about 200 pictures and I watch it like a movie. Many, if not most, are pictures of Gray. I just sit and stare at it and I realized that all the years I watch it, she won't grow. She won't age. God knows I will. I'll be gray and wrinkled and she'll stay this beautiful little girl. I have her Easter picture out - still. It's the last professional photo I had taken of her. Again, it will be there every year. Maybe year around. It'll be Easter and Christmas at our house forever. What do people think? I guess I care or I wouldn't ask. After my brother died, no one took his pictures down. He has stayed 13 for twenty years. Is it the same? Or am I crazy and just trying to hold on - or not forget?

I'm tired. My whole house is already asleep. But before I go, we did the "random insem" today. I hate to make it sound so unimportant but it's just a way of making me feel like we're not wasting time. We can't see our new doctor for our next round of IVF until later this month. Why do nothing, right? & maybe, just of those little guys swam his hardest and decided to hang around. We'll see. Either way, thanks for hanging around to find out.