I know, hardly cause for celebration but a girl could use all the reasons she can get! :) Next year will surely be better than this one.
Last night we went to a fundraiser for a local theatre. It was wonderful. The title was "And the Bann*d Played On" - they focused on banned literature and songs and such. I laughed and cried throughout the whole thing. One book I thought some of you might love all over again is this. I've read it to Gracie many times at every B&N Story Telling Sunday but it never gets old and the fact that it's based on two very gay birds is just terribly sweet.
I cried all the way through the Dix*e Chicks - Not Ready to M*ke Nice. That has become my theme song of late and it brings out wells of emotions in me. I hate that they had such pain through the situation but I sure am happy they came up with that song. Something good out of something bad... just what I need right now.
I've been thinking more and more about the idea of adopting. That would also mean giving up the idea of being pregnant. Why is this so important to so many of us? I tackle the idea of being pregnant with so many "reasons". Biology means my child will never be taken away. Biology means I will care for a child from conception. Biology means we pick who/what make our baby. But it's hard and feeling hopeless and I begin to not care about those things as much. If another woman carries my child, wasn't it meant to be my child to begin with? Adopting/Surrogacy v IVF seems more hopeful. We'll end up with a baby - imagine that! & I won't be harming my body in the meantime. Since I'm certain to get OHSS again, it doesn't feel too awful to stray away from starting that mess again.
So I've been searching the sites and reading what you all have to say on the subject and I'll keep doing that for the next few weeks.
In the meantime, the countdown has begun. Five months 'til a New and better Year!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
I know, hardly cause for celebration but a girl could use all the reasons she can get! :) Next year will surely be better than this one.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Another mom added to the list of so many of us on Friday. Her name is Jacqui and while I don't know her whole story, I'm glad she's here. - you are among friends.
The weekend was healing. Thanks for sticking it out with me. Every time I logged on to write, I ended up soaking in all of your words instead. It's amazing what a difference it can make for me. I hope you all feel the same.
Friday night was full of rest for us. I had a blueberry cocktail with J that afternoon that kind of set the scene for a relaxing evening. Cristy cooked a wonderful meal and allowed me to make her suffer through two movies. Both with Sandra Bullock and I didn't even do that on purpose. The next morning we woke up early and went to the Farmers Market. We were on our scooters for most of the day - it was lovely.
That night we had sushi with friends and planned to "swing by" the girl bar to say hi to a few friends. We ended up running into more friends and didn't get home until almost 3am! Mind you, we are girls who never "swing by" girl bars. There are only a couple anyway and neither are worth the "swing" but when you mix drinks with old friends and new friends...you just never know what will happen. It was so fun! At one point I asked E what time it was - thinking it was 11 or so - it was almost 1am. & we were just getting started! & to all of you who sang your hearts out...man I wish I had it in me! Thanks for the entertainment! Who knew you all had it in you? Besides Cristy, of course. She's a natural! :)
Last night we had dinner with my attorney (now very close friend) and her family. She reminds me how hard we tried but also about how much we lost. We also found out that there's yet another case looming in the distance and I just cringe when I think about what she's going through and what she has ahead of her.
Life is strange. & so uncertain. & what you know might really not be. I feel like I'm turning a corner and I'm finally starting to feel the anger that I've desperately needed. I've been too afraid to be mad because for so long I had to maintain a relationship with the mother of her. If I got mad at her she'd just pull Gracie farther away. I guess I have the freedom to really hate her if I want to. And that just makes me sad.
Damnit. Maybe I need to spend more time at the bar.
Friday, July 27, 2007
The past few days have been hard. I've been getting press calls since the interview I did with Gina aired last Friday. I guess it's news that I've decided not to take my case to the Federal Supreme Court.
I actually made this decision before the ruling came down. It's no surprise to those who know my case. I was told that if we lost, it would take years to push it through the Federal Courts and I wouldn't see Gracie that entire time. Imagining the impact on her through this and then that is just unbearable. How can I justify coming in and out of her life over and over? & then there's the risk that it could do if I lost there too. Being responsible for that kind of devastation is more than I can hold.
But then there's Gracie. And it's not like I have any hope that I would win but will she believe I tried everything? If I could say I took the next step, would that be healing for her some day? There are no good answers and I feel overwhelmed with what has happened to her and what I should/could do about it.
I miss her. I miss the things I know and the things I don't know. I miss her sweet hands on my face and her chubby toes nestled under my legs while she sleeps. I miss her songs and her jokes. I miss the new songs and the new jokes. I send her clothes and I'm not sure what size she wears. I send Barbie's but there will be a day when that won't be what she loves and I'll miss the transition from barbies to big girl make-up.
I haven't seen her in six months and three days and that's only the beginning of a very long wait. And I'll remember everything and gather things she'll need to know about one day. I'll hold her tightly in my heart and hope she remembers to do the same.
And someday, some very strong woman will take a very strong case to a very good team of Justice's and we'll never have to fight to protect our children again.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
I got tagged by Holly to write a me-me.
Here are the rules:
Let others know who tagged you.
Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
Players should tag 8 other people and tell them they’ve been tagged.
Random fact #1 -
I used to work in a lingerie store and I was in charge of measuring bra sizes for the cross dressers.
Random fact #2 -
If I tell you I love you, I mean it.
Random fact #3 -
I love to swing naked. You know, like on a swing set. In fact, someone tell Cristy I'd like a backyard swing set!
Random fact #4 -
When I was 19, I saved a little girl from drowning.
Random fact #5 -
I've seen a UFO. & I saw it with another person so that's my proof that it was real. Or, at least, unidentified.
Random fact #6 -
I've never taken drugs or smoked a cigarette. Not any, not once. But just wait 'til I turn forty!
Random fact #7 -
I can forgive everyone but myself. I hold on to regrets like heavy stones in my dress.
Random fact #8 -
As much as I am dying to have another child, nothing scares me more. I' m deathly afraid of not having another child and I'm even more afraid of having one and holding on too tightly. Not fire, not life without Tammy Faye - nothing scares me more.
There you go! That wasn't so hard.
As for tagging others, I need a moment to think about it. And to check and see who hasn't been tagged in a while...
Monday, July 23, 2007
I'm loving her more than normal...just replacing her with the baby this isn't yet in my body. We're still kicking around the idea of trying again next month but it's getting less and less appealing. This cycle has been a nightmare for me - phsyically and emotionally. I'm not sure how I still have girl friend. Saint, I tell ya!
Friday, July 20, 2007
I just got back from doing a morning radio show with another mom. It was our local NPR station. It was quick and mostly painless. The show is promoting a fabulous fundraiser for my friend Gina who is in the midst of her battle to bring home her daughter.
The host was great and seemed to really understand. He mentioned that he is a child of divorce and his parents have hated each other ever since. But the law protected him and I think he understood how unfair it is for kids like Gray, Madison, Randy, May, etc.
I wanted to just post something quick about tomorrow night in case any of you live in this God forsaken State and would like to support Gina and Maddie with your love and dollars.
380 W Pierpont Ave (between 2nd & 3rd S)
Starts at 7pm and there will be food and entertainment & everyone is welcome!
$15 suggested donation
or 3 for $40
& a silent auction and raffle for all the girls like me who can't bare to leave without a prize or two in hand!
More details at www.swerveutah.com
Please come. Show her some love!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
My sister in-law is coming in town tonight. We've been getting ready for her visit for the last week. We're really excited to see her and she hasn't seen our new house yet. Lucky for me, Cristy has finally decided to complete her "to do" list. For this reason alone, I would be grateful for the visit.
But there are many more. This particular SIL is my favorite part of Cristy's family. There are good parts but this part is great! She's so funny and so sweet. And she's Cristy's "back". You know, like Cristy is the front of a person and she's the back. They're the same, but different. They finish each other's sentences. They both laugh at things the average person would never find funny. They have this inane passion for Bugs Bunny that I'll die not understanding. They're weird together. Goofy. The both smile bigger when she's here or we're there. & I smile just watching them.
I never had a sister. And I never wanted one. My mom gave me two amazing brothers and I would've taken 10 more. In fact, she actually lied to me when she got her tubes tied because I had been begging for more brothers and she'd knew I'd tantrum. I found out. I tantrumed. I'm not sure why I was against having a sister. Maybe she would have challenged my Princess Post or maybe I would've had to share my clothes. It might have been selfish but I like to think not.
I have an Aunt who is four years older than me. We grew up close to each other and she was mean. She had this thing with telling me to "step" into terrible places. Because she was older than me, I did everything she said. Once, we were walking home from getting an ice cream and she told me to step in a standing puddle. I stepped in and sunk to my neck. She knew it was a hole and she laughed at me until she peed her pants. Another time, she ran ahead of me and put a paper towel on the ground. Again, she told me to step on it and I did. *Rolling eyes - embarrassed that I have two of these stories* It was a small sewer pipe and my whole right leg went into the ground. My best pair of glitter red Dorothy MaryJanes now consisted of only one sad shoe. Worse, while I was stuck trying to squeeze my leg out of the hole, she told me the devil lived down there and he was jumping at my foot. Again, until she peed.
Enough of that. I think I just realized why I never wanted a sister. Girls are mean. I remind her all the time that she ruined my best shoes. Wicked, wicked mean.
I take the SIL any day.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Who knew? Cristy tried to send me flowers today and when she realized I hadn't got them by 4 o'clock, she called to inquire...
"but there's been a bomb threat on that block. it's been evacuated."
There I was, in my calm little building - third floor. I was minding my own business and hunting down municipal race candidates for all the local cities...no idea there was danger among us.
When we walked outside we saw the helicopter overhead. Did he honk or wave us away? Nooo! Just let us walk softly to our car - no loud alarm, no warning.
I could have been blown to bits!
But don't worry, I made it out alive. Barely, I'm sure.
And my flowers were delivered to my front door instead.
Thanks honey. xo.
Monday, July 16, 2007
I've returned from a very crazy weekend! I'd love to tell you every detail but I'm not sure I can sqeeze them all in!
First let me thank you for your comments and emails. Reading them always makes me smile but I was having a particularly bad time and you made it much better.
Right when I got home on Friday, my other J friend picked me up and drove me to Idaho. Yes, Nevada, Idaho and Utah in three days. We went there to give her Aunt a pick me up. She's been down and needed some attention.
I had never met this woman before and J wanted to give me prior warnings so, right before we got there, she told me things like, "she can be kind of crazy", "her house might be really dirty", "her husband is very strange". I had an idea but was in no way prepared for what would really be. (that's why she didn't tell me before we left!) Right? :)
So we drive for hours and then pull up to Idaho Falls. I say "pull up" like it's a drive through but it's a bit larger than that. We drive for a minute and I see out of the corner of my eye...a SKINHEAD! A Real one! Lots of them! And they're having a party and flying their flags and dancing and drinking. It was so awful that I made J turn around so I could see it again! We drove by twice and I managed to call my mom and Cristy to tell them all about it before we made our final drive by. It was like a movie! Cr-azy! My mom
So then we get to the Aunts house. First let me say that I am not making fun of this woman. She is, indeed, lovely. You can tell she's lived a very long 60 years and she's been a wonderful person to my dear friend and that's (mostly) all that matters to me. We pull down this beautifully tree lined street. You can smell the pine cones and hear the crickets. We pull into the back of their house and the lot is large and green. It looked like someone either moved in ten years ago and didn't bring in their stuff or that they meant to move out and forgot all their leftovers. There were many, many house plants on the lid of a very old hot tub. There were dressers, chests, bins, almost anything you can think of. Rusted out things that I can't even explain.
We go to the back door - because that's the only door they use. (Later, I'll tell you they hadn't seen the front of their own house in over two years...) We knock. We knock again. We can see a dog. We see a few dogs. J leans over and reminds me that they love animals more than humans. I begin to think this is a bad thing. Finally a man answers the door but seems to have no idea he might receive visitors. He lets us in. It's so dark, I can't see anything. I follow J to the window and she's making small talk. 'how are you? why aren't the lights on? where's (aunt)?
It was crazy. No lights. Four very dirty dogs. Filthy, overly friendly cats. And this amazing house that you can only see through the light of the sun and under layers and layers of stuff. Dust so thick on the railing that you could tell no one had touched it in years. It was like walking into a home that had been left behind in the fifties.
It turns out, he inherited it from his parents who died over a decade ago. So basically, it was cared for by very aged humans and then left to a man who won't let anyone touch a thing. He's lived there for over 10 years! Books everywhere with dust so thick it's greasy. The kitchen? oh, I can barely go there. The floor looks like a dirt floor. You think I'm kidding because that sounds unbelievable. It's true. I urged everyone to the kitched because it had the most light but when I went to pull the chair from the table, it stuck to the floor. Really. It seems odd to say it's not partly the aunts fault but this guy is kind of whacko. Supposedly she tried to clean it a couple of years ago and he totally freaked! I'm sure his dead parents are still walking the halls. And if not, who can blame them? Even a ghost would have to Mr Clean themselves after only seconds.
So we sit down at the table and the aunt begins a story that starts out something like ... she's known well at the county jail. She's famous in Utah for her criminal record, etc. What? She's a felon? And the stories went on. J knew many of them but even she was shocked at a few. I felt like such a prude - just begging my face not to show what I felt. I was like that long blond haired girl in Grease that kept gasping with her hand over her mouth! I've never heard so many stories of drugs, alcohol, jail and strippers. It was very entertaining. We joked that they should be on Oprah or write a book but really, it was frightening and there is so much pain - even death - because of all the addiction history. It was very sad.
They took us to the brand new Olive Garden for dinner and then we lied about having a free hotel room so we wouldn't have to go back to that house. I think we both felt bad about it but I promise you, we wouldn't have made it out alive. Or without disease, at least.
The trip was memorable. I would be willing to go back and be more helpful if there was more we could do. I love cleaning houses that are that awful but they would have to be gone and I would have to have full discretion on what stays and what goes. ewwe.
J and I had some good conversations about Gracie and ex's and new love and sustaining love. We talked at length about our friendship and how important it is to keep it up. That conversation alone was worth the trip. I'm hopeful.
& I'm grateful for my parents!! Can I just tell you that I've never been so grateful that my parents gave me rules and were entirely too strict and bothered me about what I was doing and who I was doing it with? & even though my mom has a peotye story that makes me blush and they may have had far too many hippie parties & pot in the frige when I was young, I am happy to death that they eventually became grown ups and didn't just raise us as their friends.
To hear a sixty year old woman talk about using meth...breaks my heart.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Today has been long. I feel tired and sad and I wish I could throw myself a little pitty party with just me, a warm bath and a bottle of wine. Instead, I have just a few minutes before I'm off to a work function with a bright, smiley face and warm welcomes. We'll see.
I've written a little bit here about the adoption laws in this State. They are nothing less than disgusting and of course I wish we could get all of the 500K children in foster care OUT of foster care. But even more appalling and nonsensical is the fact that we can't adopt our own children. Bad enough that it's not just a given. Worse that you can't have what's already yours.
A situation came on the radar screen a few weeks ago. (& I will lie telling you about it as to not bring too much attention...) A child has been placed in protective custody because the grandmother that has raised her thus far, recently passed away. Her bio parents are not in the picture and haven't been for some time. There's an Aunt who has been close with the child who assumed she would come live with her once the grandmother passed. Well, timing was off and instead, the child was sent to a foster home. The Aunt filed to gain custody but was denied because she's also in a long term relationship with a partner of 12 years. They share a home and a car and a couple of cats. The State said No. See, you can be gay and adopt in this State but you can't be gay and in a healthy relationship and adopt in this State. It's absurd.
So recently, the Aunt took the State to court and has since won full custody of this little girl. Why? What makes her different? Why can this Judge do something that other Judges won't? If the State appeals...well, they'll look like assholes trying to take a child away from someone she loves. Does this mean we should just take every case to court and see which one turns out good?
I heard the news and my heart was glad. But also a little bitter.
I don't understand why this world works the way it does. I don't understand why my daughter had to be the test case and why she will suffer when other's won't.
The Judge said he was tired of these children losing the only families they know just because the law is badly written. My Judge said that too. & then he gave me my daughter for two more years until another set of Judges re-read the law and made it bad again.
I love hearing happy endings but today I'm just feeling bitter. I miss her so intensely. If I could leave this minute and get to her and bring her home, I would be happy. Otherwise, there's no bothering today.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Today we met with our doctor to talk about IVF #2. Not so fun. Not that any of us expected it to work the first time but part of me wished it very hard. He was terribly disappointed. So disappointed in fact, that Cristy and I didn't realize he was talking about us. We thought he was having a "disappointing" day. Nope, us. Weird. So he'd like us to try again. He'd like to 1/2 the meds to try and avoid OHS. But because my levels were so high (8147) it's almost sure that it'll happen again. So what in the hell are we supposed to do?
Cristy has old eggs. Not to sound rude but he doesn't like eggs over 40. I totally don't get that because I imagine Cristy's eggs to be as young as she seems to me! I love 40 year old eggs! :) If I'm sounding patronizing, I'm really just trying to be funny in a not so funny situation. Anyway... stranger donor eggs are not an option because it will put us in the $30K range and...well...it's not an option. So all we can do it try again and then move on to surrogacy or adoption. Both scare me to death because we have to lie for either to work! Plus, who am I to expect a woman to carry a baby and then give it to me?
Exhale. We're taking time to think things through. & we do have time to spare. It turns out my body isn't quite ready to try again yet anyway. You'd think I'd be good at waiting by now.
Last night, in bed, Cristy said "I bet you were one of those kids that got really frustrated at the 'putting the right shapes into the right hole' game. She guessed that I chipped the edges of the stars all the time. This was no sexual innuendo - just pointing out that my patience isn't what it should be.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Yesterday, Cristy and I took J&E shopping for their wedding attire. Separately.
I went with E and we spent four hours in a dress store just to have her buy the first dress she tried on. I say, that's magic! That's when you know you got it right! Not that seeing in her in that gown wasn't proof enough. She is beautiful. She's going to be even more beautiful when J sees her.
Cristy's experience wasn't as girlie emotional but she was still so cute telling me little snippets as we checked in every hour or so. We are both so happy to have them in our lives and even happier that they found each other.
So, let's talk about gay weddings for a bit - gay weddings in a place where you can't really be a legal bride. It will do nothing to solidify your relationship in the courts or prove something to your neighbor. But is it still worth it? Is it worth it to show your commitment to your friends and family? & then, aren't you really doing it for them? Aren't gay weddings really just about sharing your happiness and commiting yourselves in front of God and everyone? And isn't it even more special that we do it even though we don't really get anything from it like lower taxes or Social Security benefits?
I've typically been against the idea but that's only because I'm bitter. I'm bitter that I traveled across the country to marry my partner in VT (thank you, Gov Dean) and that marriage/union still didn't protect me and my daughter when our relationship dissolved a few years later. I almost hate that I included my entire family and all of our dearest friends in a union that didn't work. & I'm bothered that our marriage's aren't blessed or taken seriously by organizations that typically support marriages in times of celebration and pain. It's unfair.
So, what's the scoop? What do you think? Is it worth having a ceremony? Is it worth having another one if you've already totally messed one up? For our best girls, it is the very best choice. But what about for you? Yea or Nay?
Thursday, July 5, 2007
If you haven't heard Pink's "Dear Mr President" with the Indigo Girls - take a look at this. They're not actually IN the video so don't comment and say I teased you or anything. :) But it's worth it. Check it out.
All my favorite girls with guitars...
& if you haven't registered to vote, please do.
How was your holiday? Ours was H.O.T! but lovely - filled with friends and family, banana splits and fireworks. Perfect.
We woke up and decided we would take a giant scooter ride! "Giant" means we would ride all the way to Yeager's other house. The weather was nice enough in the morning but got more hot by the minute. By the time we dropped him off, I was in deep need of something refreshing!
I realize there are worse places (as far as weather) than Utah. But it is seriously hot these days. Global warming? I think Yes! I don't think we've had a day below 98 degrees in a while and 98 degrees is just too many!
Back to scooters...so Cristy and I continued our ride to the Sugarhouse Fair then around the neighborhoods then onto a tasty lunch. Everything was dreamy until we finished lunch and tried to go home. Mine died. Yep, my brand spankin' new scoot, died. Fortunately, our new house is at the bottom of a big hill. (this is unfortunate as far as real estate goes but still...) We coasted all the way home. Boo.
Did I tell you we bought Cristy a scooter too? She was supposed to sell her motorcycle first but she caved. They were just too cute. Here they are together:
Also, here is a better picture of the playhouse. It's actually a shed below and play area on top!
And one more of our new pergola. We built it all by our lonesome. Well, us and my parents.
Thanks to all of you who sent emails or left messages regarding my favorite holiday. I do appreciate how well you know me. The past few years I think I've hated that day but no more. I really want to Love the 4th of July again!
For those of you who don't know, it's always been my fave! I was born a patriot and everything "American" has always made me weepy. I have more packed up flags, flag pictures, flag dishes, history books, First Lady everything, etc than you've probably ever seen in one place. & I so loved the idea around Independence Day and fireworks that I decided to get married on the 4th of July. Bad idea. Never marry on a holiday - especially your favorite. It seemed a good idea at the time - imagining fireworks on every anniversary, celebrating my freedom and "free to be me" with her forever and forever but...as you know, it didn't work that way and I've been bitter for some time.
...(Not to mention my lull of pride in America since GW showed up. It's hard to be pro-America when your leader - picked TWICE - is such an idiot. Enough.)
So, last year I spent the firework weekend with Gracie. We bought pounds of every "way up" firework there was and I decided that this holiday is no longer about America or my failed relationship. Give me back the power to love my holiday! I'm going to enjoy it damnit! I'm going to watch the fireworks again and I'm going to love it!
And I did.
We watched them spontaneously with friends, kids and neighbors. And they were beautiful. Cristy held my hand and I was happy to be there with her. I thought of Gracie and knew without question that she was squealing with joy at every "way up" purple and gold flower. And that she was making dogs and cats and angels out of the ones that might be oddly shaped. I'm sure she had her hand on her heart and she said the pledge of allegiance and her mom secretly snuck a photo. I would pay big - so big - for that photo.
Last night, after many years, I re-owned the 4th of July as my favorite! Not because of GW or past weddings but because of the joy in Gracie's eyes and the softness of Cristy's hand and banana splits on a Wednesday night.
The magic is back.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Thanks to J&E, we collected enough pitchers for our fabulous drink list:
The Moroni Mojito
The Joseph Smith Gay Breeze - typically "Bay" Breeze
BrighamAde - Blueberry Vodka and Lemonade
Dirty'Ezra - Dirty Martini
And the Kimball Temple - Shirley Temple's for the tots!
All in honor of the dear prophets birth home - fabulous!
All the drinks were delish but my favorite was the BrighamAde and poor Cristy found herself back at the liquor store for more blueberry flavoring. I may have had more than my share... seriously tasty! Add another talent to her many - she's Great at getting me drunk! :)
It was so nice to have our friends and family in the same place. It doesn't happen nearly enough. We feel so blessed to have the people we do in our lives. Old, young. Old & new. We added a few new friends to the mix and it all worked very well.
The girls helped us clean up and we were all fast asleep by 1:30 AM! Who am I? 1:30? Whew! Thank God there's only one house warming party ever! This girl can't do nights like that more than once a year! While the kids didn't last quite that long, they weren't too far ahead of us. They were lovely, as always.
Here are some bad self portraits and other shots - just for fun.