Friday, July 27, 2007

Hard times...

The past few days have been hard. I've been getting press calls since the interview I did with Gina aired last Friday. I guess it's news that I've decided not to take my case to the Federal Supreme Court.

I actually made this decision before the ruling came down. It's no surprise to those who know my case. I was told that if we lost, it would take years to push it through the Federal Courts and I wouldn't see Gracie that entire time. Imagining the impact on her through this and then that is just unbearable. How can I justify coming in and out of her life over and over? & then there's the risk that it could do if I lost there too. Being responsible for that kind of devastation is more than I can hold.

But then there's Gracie. And it's not like I have any hope that I would win but will she believe I tried everything? If I could say I took the next step, would that be healing for her some day? There are no good answers and I feel overwhelmed with what has happened to her and what I should/could do about it.

I miss her. I miss the things I know and the things I don't know. I miss her sweet hands on my face and her chubby toes nestled under my legs while she sleeps. I miss her songs and her jokes. I miss the new songs and the new jokes. I send her clothes and I'm not sure what size she wears. I send Barbie's but there will be a day when that won't be what she loves and I'll miss the transition from barbies to big girl make-up.

I haven't seen her in six months and three days and that's only the beginning of a very long wait. And I'll remember everything and gather things she'll need to know about one day. I'll hold her tightly in my heart and hope she remembers to do the same.

And someday, some very strong woman will take a very strong case to a very good team of Justice's and we'll never have to fight to protect our children again.