One Day at a Time

Life is kicking along. My week has been full of change & movement. We moved to a new office - the Gays are Growing in Utah! We more than doubled our last square footage and the new space feels like we're finally in a place we can call home. It's really lovely. I'm looking forward to hosting our community there.

And big news for me, Cristy surprised me with another planned vacation. She came home Saturday morning and asked me if I'd like to go to San Diego in June. And then she told me that the Ind*go Girls are coming to Humphreys. I realize many of you have not experienced those two things together and that's why I'm promising to take a million pictures to share it with you. But one of my favorite parts? I finally get to meet my favorite fellow blogger, jbeeky. I can't wait to see you, dear. And hug you and share our ARay passion!! We still have a couple of months but that gives us more time to plan for a perfect 5 days!

We've made all the appointments we'll need to get on with IVF#2. It's crazy to think that it's happening again but also crazy that it takes so long. Our appointments don't begin until April 21st. And we'll have a new doctor because our other doctor can't begin another round with us until June. June. And thank God for tax returns after paying on a new mortgage. We're lucky ducks to have the opportunity for another chance.

And the last thing I wanted to share with you is that finally, today, my phone rang. I've been waiting for almost a week and you've all been so great at giving me advice and just letting me express my feelings. My cousin called today. I heard her voice and she sounded wonderful. She cried the whole time but it felt good to just sit with her. She was quiet and I spent some time catching her up on new marriages and new babies.

My life was so different when she left. I was just 25 years old. I mean, my life hadn't even begun. Everything "big" was still years away. I had never been in love. I hadn't had children. I still had my cute green Cabriolet. :) And then I spent time listening to her past, her regrets and her fears. It's all so surreal. We talked about just taking a day at a time. She knows I'm afraid to dive in and I understand her need to stay safe. It's just crazy that it's all here, right in front of me. I came home today and unloaded a bunch of old emotions on Cristy. My counsin's past brings up a lot of old garbage in my life but it's healing and luckily, C is a great listener.

I feel so thankful and blessed. ...Because she took the step and because you have all been so supportive.

She Speaks

Thanks for all the love around my very long post the other day. I definitely spent the weekend by my computer - refreshing every few hours or so. But I didn't hear from her - until today.

Seeing her name and knowing she wrote it, is seriously haunting. You can't imagine how long I've waited for this conversation. About 7 years ago, I resorted to the fact that she was probably dead. She lived a dangerous life. I know that sounds very fiction but it's true. No boundaries or even a compass. She hitch-hiked across the county for God's sake. The fact that she has lived this entire life for the last dozen years is just so unbelievable to me.

Her email was short but said a thousand things. She said she was scared. She thanked me for telling her Mercy was safe & healthy but also said she knows she doesn't have a right to ask those questions anymore. She doesn't know where to start or how to ask for forgiveness. I don't have any answers for her.

I have so much compassion for her but, at the same time, I question it. I mean, how could you leave your child? What kind of person could literally walk away and simply trust that she would be cared for? From the place I stand, it eats at me. I like to think, no matter what would happen/ed in my life, I could never do what she did. & even if we live through terrible experiences, we can still make choices and live differently, right?

Then again, I step back and I think it's wrong to judge her. How do we know how all of these awful things affected her? The same things may have happened to me or you but we have strong family support & maybe that's what made all the difference. I can't even imagine otherwise.

When I sent her a note thru myspace, I told her that Mercy was doing well. After I sent it and after obsessing for days, I regretted saying anything about her daughter. On one hand, she doesn't deserve to know. On the other hand, anything I say can scare her away and I'm guessing everything around her leaving, seats her right on the edge of escaping again.

And that's a risk for me. I'm scared too. I spent years looking for her - just for the answer of whether or not she was alive. Investing in this "new relationship" with her feels very scary for me. At the same time, I am so grateful that she took a step toward home. And so grateful that, if Mercy wants answers, she just might be able to get them.

Some of you wrote about my loss of two girls. And while there are many similarities, my feelings of loss are nowhere comparable between the two. However, knowing that Mercy might know her mother one day gives me hope for Gray and me. I think of the questions she'll have and the peace that the answers will give her. I obviously didn't abandon Gracie but part of me wonders if she'll have those same feelings. She must. Needless to say, it has opened some thought around both girls.

I wrote her back. I'm taking baby steps , trying to avoid scaring her. My biggest fear is that she can so easily disappear again. I'm not telling my family (other than my mom) that we're speaking. I don't want Mercy to know anything. Yet. She'll be 17 in just a few months. Soon enough, she'll be able to decide for herself.

Hold my hand as I tip toe in.

Ghost From My Past

This may be a bit long - just warning you. There's a lot of back story...


My family has always been very tight. We typically saw our cousins every weekend when we were little. But my mom's oldest brother & his kids lived in FL - way far away. We didn't know them. The parents eventually divorced and the mother (my uncle's wife) abandoned her children when the oldest (of four) was only about 10 years old. The whole situation was very tragic. My uncle ended up moving them all back here a few years later and my grandparents tried to help raise the kids.

The oldest was a year younger than me. She was trouble. She immediately started running away. They put her in my school so she could be friends with "my" friends. They were good kids - they would surely change her. (dumb) It didn't work. She flocked to the trouble makers. She was a rebel. She finally ran away at sixteen and we didn't hear from her for two years.

In 1991, she called from Florida. She was pregnant and needed help. When she needed help and called home, it meant that she was calling me because I was really the only person who kept trying to find her every time she left. My parents cared too but other than that, I really think people just forgot about her.

So one day she called. We sent her a ticket to come home. She was 19. I was 20.


When she arrived she informed us that she wasn't going to keep the baby. This would be my grandmother's first great-grandchild and it caused quite a stir in our family. She was eventually guilted enough to keep her and even still, I'm grateful every day. Her reasons, however, were very real. She wasn't ready to be mother. Her example had been terrible. I think everyone hoped that would change when her baby was born but it really didn't. She had big issues to heal. Big.

But she had the baby. A beautiful little girl. She moved around a lot and eventually moved in with me when the baby was around 2yo. Still, she would say that she didn't feel a bond. She felt more like she was her little sister. This little girl was so fantastic. I mean, she would literally talk to anyone. She was so completely brilliant that people would constantly ask her to read and write and sing and dance - she was amazing and she was just a toddler.

One day, when she was just barely 4, my cousin called and asked if I would watch her for the weekend.

And she never came back.

After two days, this amazing little person started to tell me that her mother told her good-bye. "She's not coming back. This is where I live." As the days went by it became obvious that she was really gone. I called in a missing person report but she had been known to run for years. And her parents were long ago disinterested. No one cared.

I kept this little girl for the next year. She was the light of my every day. I was very young and in my first relationship. She added a whole new world to our world. We loved every minute of her. I always believed that her mom would come home so I never really let go in a way that you would if you adopted a child. She would ask if she could call me "mommy" and I would tell her that I loved her more than the stars but that she had a mommy who was going to come home one day. I regret it now. If I had known she would really stay gone, I would've done everything differently.

A year or so later, my aunt filed a petition for custody of her. She was married and hadn't been able to have children. As a young person, I didn't have a clue what to do. I was crushed. I had every intention of keeping her until her mom came back. I was also only 1/2 "out" and was certain if anyone (dcfs) knew, they'd take her from me. I didn't fight. And they came and took her away.

I'll never forget it. I'll never forget her little voice telling me she promised to be good if I'd only let her stay.

Luckily for me, she hasn't gone far. She was raised right here by me and I've watched her grow into an amazing sixteen year old. I still wish I had made different decisions. I wish I wouldn't have been so scared back then. But she's had a happy life and she knows she's loved by me and everyone around her.

I spent years looking for her mother/my cousin after she left. I tracked her to Florida then to Arizona. She changed her name and probably lived on the streets for a long time. She can do that. She can survive through anything. I've always stood up for her and said that she made the right decision by leaving Mercy with me. If she hadn't, we would've lost them both. My family obviously holds angry feelings for her but they didn't know her like I did. (way more to that story - another day)


So here were are...it's been 12 years since she left - almost to the day.

My friend was showing me around myspace today. I'm embarrassed to tell you all how un'hip I am but I had no idea I had a page. I log in sometimes to read another friends blog but that's all I knew. So I pull it up and what do you know? I have friends! She starts showing me around a bit and I see that there's a person that I don't know on there. And I delete her.

We dig around further and there it is! A message from my cousin - from little Mercy's mother. Four of them. She left them between November and January. The last one finally says her name and asks if I'm her cousin and says she's looking for her family. But the worst part? I had deleted her. I can't get her back. I sent her a note but now I have to wait and hope she gets it. Can you stand it?

After all these years she reaches out. I kept my land line until 1 year ago just for her. I've paid online searches for her a dozen times. I've written down stories about her so Mercy could one day read & learn about her mom. And there she was - on my myspace page I didn't know I had.

I gasped. I held my breath & kept re-reading her name. It felt like a ghost was talking to me through a dream. 12 years. Many times I have thought she must be dead. Why wouldn't she ever call? How could she not wonder if her daughter was happy & healthy? At the same time, I have dreaded telling her that it wasn't me that raised her.

I'll sit here and refresh my email a hundred times this weekend.

After all the times I searched for her, she found me.

Weekend Wrap Up

We watched a movie yesterday. The Brave One. Have you seen it? I had actually seen it once before when I somehow convinced some friends to take me out while Cristy was on a work trip. I thought it would motivating. I thought I would grow muscles and not be afraid to go home alone. Instead I had nightmares. It's really awful. Twice.

The worst part is that Jodie Fost*r has a sex scene with a boy. I'm not against sex scenes with boys but you can't really be more gay than Jodie. I mean, it was gross. The boy was Saeed from Lost and that made it weird too because he's such a tough guy in that show. And she's such a tough guy, in general. It just wasn't right.

And almost worse was the violence. I thought Yeager was going to pee his pants in the first 10 minutes. Oh wait, that was ME. Because I would never Ever allow Yeager to watch a rated R movie - let alone one that has beatings and shootings and just way too many reasons to ever live in a big city. It was just me & Cristy and my face was burried for about 1/2 the show. There won't be a third time.

Then, last night we had a big, fat cousin sleepover. We rented The Last Mimzy. You must see this movie if you have a child at home that will give you the excuse to rent it. The little girl is reason enough to see it at least twice. She crinkles her nose when she's mad and pierces her lips with such a pout. Ah, I love pouty lips on little girls. & there's a bunny with the cutest belly button you've ever seen. Need I say more? I don't know what it was about really but it was heaven compared to the Jodie sex scene and the kids were cute.

And then tonight we met Cristy's family for dinner. Part of them brought their 8 month old little boy and I swear he bragged the whole time about how cute he was and how soft he was and how he made their lives complete. The whole dinner was all about him, him, him. The ego on that kid weighed about 17 1/2 pounds. And I'm obviously just being nasty because he is actually really cute and soft and wonderful - and I want one just like him. He was born just as my IVF failed and I sat & thought that if it would have worked, I would almost be ready to give birth. Weird. Time even flies when you're holding your breath.

We're crashing early tonight. My amazing better half is speaking at a committee hearing tomorrow morning at 8am. Yegs is coming too and if any one of those awful people even wince at him, I'll kick 'em in the shin. Because that's about how tired I am. & how terrible they are. Give us some love about saving our Domestic P Registry. We'll need it.

Happy early Monday everyone.

Weekend In Paradise

...and pictures to prove it. :)

We left the madness of the city for a couple of quiet days in the moutains. My brother and his kids joined us and we all met up at our family cabin for some R&R and spoiling from grandma and grandpa.

This is our new family toy.

Here are some pictures of us all sledding down the driveway.

Cute Yeager. Could he really be happier?

And here are some pictures of everyone sledding ALL the way down the mountain. We followed them on the Ranger and Snow Mobile to make sure cars weren't coming. They literally rode their sleighs 35 minutes - one solid ride. Amazing.

My brother on the luge run.

Little seven year old, Salomon. He's a dare devil.

The whole gang ending at the bottom of the road. The sun went down on our second trip. Very chilly.

This is the lake that is now covered in 8 inches of ice. There were people fishing on it all day. Not me - not in that wind.

This is the view up the hill. No one ever visits that little cabin. What a waste.

And here are some random pictures of us.

And this is all of us but Cristy, the photographer.

Weekend Wrap-Up

The weekend is winding down with just a few more hours to go. I'm about to head upstairs to watch the first LW*rd of the season - hoping Bette and Jodi get back together and that Tina gets whisked off to London on some urgent, very long assignment. I'm not a fan until she gets back to being Randall Dean. I suppose if you don't know what I'm talking about, you're simply not as gay as I am. Poor you. :)

Our weekend has been nothing short of perfect. We've had some beautiful storms and our yard still looks like Christmas. However, we have removed all things Christmas from the house so it's now back to clean lines and no clutter. Loving every minute of it. Have I told you lately how much I love our house? ahhh...

I have to tell you a very funny story from Friday night. Yegs came walking in the kitchen and announced that he can't wait until he gets hair on his penis. What? Um, why? His answer went something like this: "because then I'll accidentally zip up the hair instead of my penis." Oh My God. I almost pee'd my pants. He has actually done this a couple of times - only once in my presence - but it's obviously happened enough times for him to be doing some future planning. I'm still getting used to this "having a boy" thing. Hilarious.

Hey - have any of you ever heard someone say "that scared the b'jesus out of me!" Because earlier tonight, Cristy and I almost saw a car wreck. After I said, "i think that scared the jesus out of me" and she made fun because she tought it was "b'jesus". My mom agreed but I'm certain you are all way smarter than them and you're going the agree that it's "the jesus" and not "b'jesus".

You can tell I'm a little over relaxed. Just bare with me.

Also, I wanted to give a very big shout out to our favorite Texas bloggers... B and K have been supporting my rants for a long time and they've been suffering through ttc right along the rest of us. Well, Saturday morning they got a wonderful New Year's present and I thought you all might want to be sure to show them some love! Very exciting! They've been through a hard time of late and I seriously think this is just inches from being a miracle! Love you girls.

More Resting

I love vacations. I love being here and not worrying about a single thing - except my sick dog. She ruins any kind of complete peace but other than her, perfection. I hear it's snowing like crazy at our house. Right now, Molly & her boyfriend are tearing it up in our yard - or better yet, tearing UP our yard. I miss her - them. But I know she's been very taken care of while we've been here and I am forever grateful for our house sitters.

Cristy still needs to be reminded to sit like a lady...

It's lovely here. Blue skies. Warm, finally. We wondered around without jackets this morning - feels like spring. We had Amy Ray blaring in the car while we argued over who was singing the words right. Me, of course. I love her.

This picture is from our back deck. It's for Gina - this is her city...

Last night we drove up to the observatory to look at Mars. It's not something I would typically think of doing but it was beautiful. I love LA. & have I mentioned what great food they have here? I know it sounds cliche' but I have loved every restaurant, every coffee bar, every last morsel of apple tart. We've had pasta's, mushroom puree soup, sushi, beet & arugula with parmesean cheese - oh god, I could go on and on. Cristy's brother-in-law likes eating as much as she does. Or maybe I should say they appreciate it. :) They've done a great job at picking places the last couple of nights. But because they are so good at "picking", I need to binge and purge for weeks once we get home. :)

Tuna tartar

Us after a few drinks


Us with Uncle Steve

Cristy and her favorite oldest sister

I think I fell in love this morning. Again. Cristy looks prettier when she's in California. It's her real home. Watching her walk through 'Val Surf is like watching a child in a candy store. I looked at her at one point and thought, "that's what she looked like when she was 13". I can So see her bothering the neighbors with the sound of her skateboard wheels. She is...beautiful.

You might not see it here but she's really a catch!

Enough of that. I'm obviously on vacation and away from bill paying and house cleaning. But I thought I'd better document my adoration for her so when I look back during times of begging her to do some yard work or dusting, I remember how great she is.

Hope you're all well.

Post-Christmas

I hope you all had a perfect holiday and are now setting your sites on New Years. It's hard to believe we'll be entering 2008 in just days...

My girl and her boy

Such a sweet smile

He's eight

Molly's boyfriend bought her a new duck

Our family - 2oo7

Our Christmas was really nice. We spent the Eve with my family for their traditional homemade chowder and bread. And then we were back the next morning at 6:45am for Santa Clause. My niece and nephew are still believers and there is nothing sweeter than listening to them rave about the tiny bite that the reindeer took out of the orange. And how Santa always eats Tana's cookie first. He knows. And then they're just amazed that he really listened when they asked for that particular lavender shirt or spy gear. So cute.

And Yeager? Well the kid must've been good this year. He got a cell phone, an xbox 360 and an ipod. And that was before he came to our house! I think Cristy and I were both a little worried that he'd be disappointed at our gifts after opening all that but he was so excited about every little thing. We always give him a gift from Gracie and this year it was his favorite. He even said, "i hope nothing happened to it when it was shipped from Texas". I think we still have some explaining to do. :)

Cristy and I leave in the morning for LA. That was my big gift! I am so excited that I probably won't sleep well - like a kid the night before Disneyland. We'll fly into Long Beach, head down to Irvine then drive the coast all the way up and over. If I feel like bragging about my "down time", I'll try to blog. You'd all like me to rub it in, right?

If I'm not here until after my vacay, have a wonderful New Years!

It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas!

Here's what we woke up to this morning!

Believe it or not, all the snow I bragged about the other day was gone in days...this time it should last a while.




Thanks again for the all the comments and emails regarding our family baggage. I deleted the post after a day because I thought having Y's dirty laundry out there wasn't really fair. But we're happy we posted because your thoughts brought a lot of clarity to the subject and we're stronger for it by far. Big love to each of you.


Today is cd1. We're back on track but not sure for what. IVF? Fresh insems? It's all up in the air but at least today is the beginning of something and, while out and about today, we looked at little boy clothes and little girl furniture just for fun. It feels good to be back in the game.


Have a great rest of your weekend. Drive safely if your outside looks anything like mine.

Killing Time

Man. Long day. It's only Monday, right? I wonder if this is telling of the week I'll have.

Life is busy. There is much to do. All. The. Time. Right now I'm dreaming of steeping some tea and bathing with lavender salts frothing around me. Instead I'll take Cristy who just walked in with chocolate covered strawberries and cinnamon almonds.

Cristy has "business stuff" tonight and tomorrow night. That leaves me with time to fill up. I'm embarrassed to say that anything more than a couple of hours doesn't bid me well. In fact, she actually makes me fill the time so I don't leave myself room to get into a funk.

So tonight I decided to use it to visit my mom - the greatest woman on earth. We sat. We talked. We had dinner. She is everything wonderful you would find in a mom. Sometimes I look at her and I feel a little anxiety - knowing I might not be that great. You know? She's had a lot of living. She had three kids under the age of 3 by the time she was 22. She married terribly young and spent the next twenty years fighting to keep it. I wonder how she and my dad ever made it 37 years. But then I remember, it was all her. She has held us all through so much. She lives and breathes every day with the loss of a son and a grandaughter but she only talks of both of them with smiles and as blessings - she's never a victim. She's amazing.

My drive home was full of tears with a familiar song from last Christmas. I knew I'd have more time alone when I got here and I was anxious thinking about it. But as I walked through the back door, sweet Tori was at my front door. A bit of an angel? Yes. She just might be my longest "friend" and when I get to talk to her, I enjoy every minute of it. She stayed until just minutes before Cristy walked in.

Isn't it funny how things just work out? Like getting to eat stawberry's in bed near a lavender candle maybe?

I'm on it.

Puke, Paint & Peace

Friday night? Not so nice. Poor Yegs. The plan was to pick him up, pick up his friend and host a sleep over. Cristy picked him up from his moms and before they left the house, he puked. Big. Again in the car on the way home and another two or three times until he finally fell asleep. The problem? It's on your "every corner" menu! He ate a double cheeseburger, fish fillet sandwich, large fry and THIRTY-TWO ounce soda after school! Y.U.C.K. So, lucky for us - (the parents that never fill his fist sized stomach with that kind of garbage, let alone that MUCH garbage) we got to clean it all up! Not pretty. This was more food than a very large man would have for lunch. And the answer? "He ordered it." Nice.

Saturday I had early plans to help a friend pick out new colors for her new bachelorette pad. Sort of. Anyway, she's newly single and moving forward! You know those days...when you want to change every little thing that ever proved that someone else lived with you? Due to my later plans cancelling, I ended up staying until about 9pm. But it's lovely. I went back again today to finish up and start on the next room. I must admit that I love people who have white walls. - but let me change them. It made such a difference in her home and I'm just praying that she still loves it tomorrow. Caramel. Yum. If I could have a dream job it would be to spend other people's money - decorating their houses when they're not home. I realize there are already people who have this job but I don't see why it can't be me. It was so fun! & tiring! But I smiled a lot and worked the muscles in my right hand so all is well.

Our weekend is wrapping up nicely this evening. Our best girls just left and we are now refueled for the upcoming week. God bless J & E. I was able to sit for a couple of hours - eating, talking and running my fingers through Cristy's hair. Perrrfect.

And just to remind you all, Thanksgiving is this Thursday! I think I just realized this! Where is November going? So gather all your thoughts and find something to be grateful for - you have just a few days to be nice to whomever sits next to you...hoping they say your name when it's their turn to talk.

Perfect Weekend.

How nice it is to be home for hours and hours and leave only for terribly important things like a lovely high school play, dinner with new friends and lots of hot coffee!

Today was dedicated to Christmas!! & decorations! I can never have too many. So now you're saying to yourself, "there's no way she actually put up decorations..." Well friends, I didn't just do that - I put up my TREE! I think I had a tree up last year on November 1st. I waited 10 days later this year so if you're wanting to tease me, keep that in mind.

I know, I know. Everyone is bothered because Christmas comes "earlier and earlier" every year. But it couldn't come early enough for me. I love every minute of it. I don't care if I hear Jingle Bells in October. Sometimes I turn it on in August.

In fact, I sang carols as I decorated today. I tried to put on a fancy show for Cristy (leg kicks, jazz hands, etc.) during one of my favorites but then I remembered doing the same thing last year with Gracie and my smile turned to tears in an instant. It's funny how it's always right at the back of my throat. One wrong turn and it's hours to recovery. But I managed. It passed and I hung her stocking where it will hang ever year from now on. It's perfect.


So here's a picture of our masterpiece. Our first tree in our new house. It's beautiful!


And very soon, I'll blog about something like this:

"Twas six weeks before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring EXCEPT for a MOUSE!"

SO ready for Bed.

The weekend is winding down and, partly due to the time change, I was ready for bed about 3 hours ago. Seriously, I have the hardest time with "Fall Back". Great that we get an extra hour but does it make everyone else get into their pajamas at 5:45pm? Dark translates to "bedtime". And it will be my bedtime just minutes from now.

The past few days have been full of good times. After work on Friday we went up to the cabin. Our best girls watched Molly Tomato so we could have a mini mountain retreat with the family. We left the very minute we got off work and enjoyed every minute of it. All the kids spent time exploring, climbing, 4-wheeling and staying up way too late. We spent time sitting and stretching and sitting some more. Lovely.

Yegs & my favorte first nephew

Same amazing nephew with his best grandma & My favorite 4-wheeler

Who could shoot this sweet mama?

I'm learning the "deer whisperer" moves of my dad

This dad was brave enough to come up but had his little guy wait behind. See him peeking?

Cristy and my mom, lounging in the sunshine

And this was all that Yegs had left on the way home

We came home Saturday in time to meet some other blog families at a local bounce house. The kids seemed to be having a great time and we had fun meeting people and talking to those of you we've loved getting to know better. I forgot my camera or I'd totally be exploiting all of you. My guess is that someone else took pics so you'll see the action elsewhere.

And finally, later that night, after Yegs went to his grandma's to eat too much junk food and watch grandma approved movies, We Went Out! We went to a trashy bar and watched the amazing Hells Belles. They're an AC/DC all female cover band and even though I'm not a big hard rock fan, they are incredible to watch. And did I mention there was a girl with a guitar? In dreadlocks? & a black bra? Have I told you lately just what that means to me? She was ... well I just can't even explain it. If they come near you, see them. You won't regret it. (& incase you're questioning my hard rock integrity, I only wore my ear plugs for about 3 minutes) Someone vouch for me. My guess is that most of you won't believe me...

Today has been nothing but undoing Halloween, resting and drinking too much coffee. I think I might have a "too much smoke at the bar" hangover. Or maybe it was my pre-bar Brigham Ade, my beer at the bar or my "cheers" with E over a kamakazi. Three drinks and I'm out. And that was over 3 hours. Cheap date? Yes.

Happy Monday ladies. (& gentleman)

I'm going to be Old one day.

We spent the weekend with old people. Cristy's mom, of course. And with my grandmother, who turned 80 on Saturday. We had an open house reception and it was full of people I didn't know or that I hadn't seen for years. I was reminded of how old eighty is. My grandparents just don't seem that old to me. But then I see all their friends and hear them talk of people that have passed - it's just odd.

My mom & aunt put a video together of their lives and, of course, it included some awful pictures of me. I had a good 3 years of really just looking ratty. Remember when we used to bleach our levi's? Remember when our hair was puffy? Yeah, those are the days I'm talking about. & do you think I smiled EVER back then? I don't think so. Was I too cool to smile? Or was I just permanently bitchy? There were pictures of my brother who passed away and it's so strange that he's frozen in time like that. I mean, I can look back at pictures and cringe but I know there will be others that prove I learned how to do my hair and smile when asked. As I've said before, my brothers are twins. My living brother grew up to be a terribly handsome 30 something with good hair and good clothes. But my other poor brother is frozen in time with bleached levi's and colored sweaters. Adorable, but frozen. This is a lesson in always trying to look your best in photos. :)

And then the pictures jumped to me & Gracie. Her little face smashed up against mine. Her hair short then long. She was beautiful. Everyone commented on her every time she came up. I heard, "oh! She looks like you!" over and over. And she does. And it's not just the chubby cheeks. And it's not just her hands.

So I started thinking about that. And I wondered, if we decide to adopt or if it's decided for us, will I miss out on the "she looks like you" or will (s)he look like me/us anyway? Everyone says that Yegs looks like Cristy. Is it mannerisms? Is it that big noggin? You decide. Still, it's something I think about and wish for.

I used to dream of this little dark haired girl on the shoulders of my partner while I walked next to her, holding her hand. She was sticky with cotton-candy hands and I would somehow be watching us from behind. I never saw faces but I knew it was us. I knew she was mine. It never mattered that she looked like me - just that we were a family. But I love it when people tell me I look like my mom or my brother or my nephew. It's connection, definition.

In reality, it doesn't mean a thing. We are a family. We will continue being a family no matter who is added to our lives. What matters is that we get to this baby making business already! Bring on the meds! Bring on the bills! This crock pot is not getting any younger! In fact...

I will be another year older in exactly one month! I do believe I've aged much more than that this year but I expect to be given some extra time in my eighties to make up for these last many months. When someone throws my 80ith birthday reception, please be sure the bleached levi's photos were mysteriously lost in the fire. Or something.

btw, Christmas is 57 days away. And I'm listening to Josh Groban - Noel.

Winding Down...

The time is near. Two more days until Gorgeous goes to the next sibling. Is it bad to say I'm tired? Have I said more than once how hard it is to entertain someone for this long? We really do love her - every little thing...but it's hard, right?

And the worst part? She just got back from being gone for 2 days. I know, I'm awful. She had to attend a funeral and while she was gone I disturbed her things. Seriously, I was trying to clean up! I opened her door to let some air in there. She keeps it closed all the time. Then I put her washcloths in the laundry because she's used the same ones every day since she got here. I guess she washes them out everyday...gross. I put her instant coffee jar in the cupboard and her boiling water pan in the dishwasher. God forbid things not be in order before the Queen arrives. Okay, that was mean. I didn't mean it. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

The other night we took our mothers to a movie. When we got home, Cristy took a snapshot of me and my mom. It is rather cute but we then spent the next 5 or 6 shots trying to "recapture that moment" between C and her mom. She wanted to completely imitate the pose with Cristy. The problem was it was simply spontanious. You know, cuddle quickly, shoot and done! It looks like this:

They tried and tried but Cristy hated all of them. The first one I took, that was also just a quick snapshot - unplanned - was this:

Cute, huh? Then here's all of us...

Gorgeous isn't so big on pictures that you don't plan out. I just love that she's perched up there on Cristy's lap for the group shot. It's So her. She makes me laugh just to think about her. If I could only describe what she sounds like in a way that would make your cheeks hurt. It's been nice having her.

And to update you: Last night was our very first non-bio support meeting. I think it went well. There were 7 people total and that seemed perfect. Sad, but perfect. Everyone told their story - some more than once. And we all just validated angry feelings and tears. We set a date for next month, knowing there'll be more of us then. I think it's good. I wish the rest of you could be here. We talked about your stories too a little. Some day. Maybe soon, right Leah?

Busy, Busy!

It's finally Sunday night and I'm exhausted! We've had the busiest weekend - full of fun but seriously, I'm looking forward to work tomorrow. - a different kind of busy.

Company is hard. I feel like I've been complaining for days about it so why stop now, right? Kidding. Or not. It's hard to have someone here that does things a different way. Did I tell you she typically sleeps until at least noon? A couple of days she's slept until 2pm! Who does that? And do you know how hard it is to be quiet in such an old house? Until 2pm! I feel like I've said, "Yegs, be quiet!" about 300 times.

She's still warming over the stove. She even melted her newly painted nails. God help me. Why does this make me crazy? And KJ is no help - she thinks I'm trying to freeze the poor woman. I'm really not. It's not that cold! She's in bed 1/2 the day and then huddled in a long robe the rest of it. I'm going to hell. I'm a terrible, unsympathetic daughter in-law.

She did spend some quality time with Yegs. We had some functions throughout the weekend and he chose to stay home with her most of the time. Friday night we saw that fabulous movie I was telling you about. Last night we went to a Halloween party and this morning we celebrated a birthday with one of our favorite people. Lots of activity! Then, of course, every time we came back home we have a guest! A very lonely guest and sometimes I think C is going to slide out of her skin and seep under the couch just to catch a breath.

She's old. I think that's why she talks about death a lot. But she's not dying. She actually just got a clean bill of health so I'm certain she'll be around for many years. Her father lived to be 94. That's 21 more years if she's lucky. But she talks like she's already seeing the warning sign before the light that leads you to the bridge on the other side of the gate or whatever. She brings things to give away that you must cherish for all eternity. We're still getting to know each other so every time we're alone, I get all kinds of questions about my love for C and what our plans are for our future.

And while she adores C, she has little parts of her that still don't understand why she's gay. She's explained it to herself by saying 'C has always been a tom boy'. She has seen from her birth that she was "born that way". But I really mess her up. She said that if I had been her daughter - with bows in my hair and heels on my feet - she would've never been able to deal with it. How could I be gay? I am feminine enough to get a man! Ugh. A few steps forward, a few steps back...

Tonight she pulled out pictures of relatives from Texas - one of whom "married a Mexican". I just quietly rolled my eyes at the detail but things like that shake C to her core. Her mom is old school. She also had to point out that one of her great nieces got pregnant by a black man. We're not used to that. It's odd to hear someone point out the color of someone's skin when you're simply asking a name. Some of the stories she tells are awful. She lived way before segregation and I'm still not certain it would be her first choice, had the law not changed the idea for her. I was inches away from telling her we had a hispanic donor... I sat quietly instead.

She told us of her nephew who signed away rights to his daughter and "for some strange reason there isn't a bond between them" EIGHTEEN years later. Again Gorgeous, biology does not create a bond between two people. But it's a lesson unnoticed. She's come a long way from where she's from - from the way her parents lived and loved. I suppose you just listen and speak with conviction about that which stands strong in you. No reason to scream and yell like I would a neighbor or stranger. :)

We love her as she is...just wish we could make wishes...

Here she is again because I know you can't wait another minute. Tomorrow, I should have some with all of us for you.

Finally...Friday!

Thanks for all the love around the MIL. I knew she'd make you smile. Now if I could somehow record her speaking...she'd have you all mesmerized. K seems to be pretty defensive about the accent so she obviously understands. :)
You really think she looks like Cristy? I don't see it...

Last night I over heard her telling Cristy how she loves her "with all my heart". It's that part about her that I adore. Her whole life is her family. She would love, more than anything, if Cristy called her every day to tell her exactly what her day was like - piece by piece. She never forgets to ask her what she had for lunch or dinner. She wants to know where we went and who we saw. It really is very sweet. I'm not sure if she's just bored or if she just doesn't want to miss a thing. Does it matter?

But then there's that part of her that makes me a little crazy. You know, like when she turns the gas stove on but leaves the "click" on so long that the house smells of gas. And then I walk in there and she's warming herself by the FIRE from the burner. & seriously people, our house is not cold. 69 degrees. That's okay, right? She spends 25 mintues outside, smoking 6 cigarette's and wonders why it takes her so long to warm up when she comes back in - just to got back out an hour later. Cristy bought her an electric blanket. She couldn't take the complaining anymore. And I decided that, even though I detest them, it's much better than her warming herself over open flames. Give and Take.

***


We're heading into a very busy weekend. Tonight we're hosting a movie for our community.
For the Bibles Tells Me So.
If you have a chance to see this, Do. I can't stress enough how amazing it is - especially for those who might not think you're on your way to heaven. Take them. It will prove them wrong. It's playing here in my city for a few days so if you're interested, shoot me an email and I'll give you details. Otherwise, check out the website and see if it's coming to you.

The rest of the weekend will be full of candidates, friends and Halloween! Busy but good.


I received this link at some point yesterday and it took my mind off of all the craziness that I've been wading through this week. I thought you might benefit from it too.

http://www.cubpack81.com/images/carve_pumpkin.swf

Enjoy!

And finally, proof!

Introducing...

"Gorgeous"! This is not the name I gave her. It's just the only name she'll allow you to use when speaking of or to her. (other than "Mutha", of course.)

This isn't that great of a picture but it's the best I have for now. I'll try to sneak some through the week - and maybe one of the tool box that is her make-up case. I just didn't want to let you all down and make you wait any longer.

MIL - she's baaack.

Well, she's here. She arrived Monday night and so far it's been really nice. I know, only two days but still - we're on a roll.

She really is a lovely lady. But with her includes 3 giant suitcases (the biggest you can get), a giant make-up suitcase that unfolds like a tool box, 6 or seven bags of things and a box or two full of "give-aways". It took a full night to unpack.

She doesn't just visit, she moves in. I cleared a shelf in my serving dish closet so she could put her make-up there. I'm not kidding about it being a tool box. You open it up and then it expands another 4x. She likes the light in the dining room so that's where it stays. She also keeps her instant coffee and sweet and low on the kitchen counter with the same spoon on the same napkin the entire time. She is not wasteful. She even gave me a lesson last night about using the same paper towell to wipe your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.

She brought out the give-aways last night. Old receipts of her mothers father - or something. Receipts from 1891, no kidding. Deeds and things. Very old and, I suppose, very cool to some. Cristy and I aren't sure what you do with "things" like that. She always brings things she thinks her children will cherish so we just kind of fake our way through it and try not to seem uninterested. Cristy needs to work on this, actually. Honey, listen to me. It should go something like this, "Ah! Wow! I've never seen such old documents! I'll treasure them always!" Got it? :)

Cristy set up a smoking station on the side smoking porch. She wants to be tucked back so she can see the neighbors but they can't see her. She's out there every hour or so - I'm sure we'll learn a lot from what she sees.

She carries a blanket with her wherever she goes. It's colder here than it is in Houston and she's a frail little thing. She has decided she's never coming this time of year again. She has no idea what winter is...

She uses two hands and steps sideways to get up and down the front stairway. Thank God for the back stairway or we'd never get up there. She's cautious. She's much older this year. She's moves more slowly and her face looks so thin. She still talks about needing to lose a little weight because she has a "pooch in front" but she must be losing her sight because there is Nothing there.

She adores Yeager almost as much as she adores Cristy. I think she had tears in her eyes after his dinner prayer last night. Very sweet. And he loves the attention - so much that he's offered to babysit her this Friday while we go to a movie. Does he need a baby sibling or what?

We have a pretty quiet week planned with her but next week we're hosting our monthly game night so all of our dearest friends can spend some time with the wonder that is Cristy's "Mutha".

Mish Mash. *Update*

It’s a big day at our house. My mother in-law comes to stay for two weeks today! I say that with a half cheery smile and a half exhausted body. She’s lovely. Really.

She’s a southern woman in every sense and it’s always interesting to talk with her. But she’s also very spoiled. Cristy’s dad was a lot like she is. He took care of her mothers every need. She never worked. She woke up one day and decided she would no longer cook or clean. She’s a queen. She won’t let anyone call her anything other than “Gorgeous” because “grandma” makes her sound old. She’s seventy something. She Is Old. Someone should tell her.

On a regular evening, she drips in gold and diamonds. Her hair is always done perfectly and it takes her hours to put on her make-up. You would never guess that Cristy came from her body. You would never guess that any of her children came from her body. And she has five of them. Cristy is the baby and also her favorite. She’ll admit it. She can’t even say her same without putting “darling” after it. Imagine it with a long, deep accent. “Cristy Da’lin, can you get me…” It’s terribly delicious. She smokes about 58 cigarette’s a day. I’m exaggerating or just guessing. If that sounds like a lot – well, it is. She smokes a lot and it gives her a very deep, raspy voice. She’s probably 5’4” and 90 lbs. Do you have a good enough vision of this woman yet? I'll try to post a picture very soon.

I should have some interesting stories to dazzle you with over the next couple of weeks…

In other news, we hosted our cities gay/lesbian family group yesterday. Very fun! All the kids were adorable dressed up in their costumes. Yeager hasn’t had that many kids in his yard Ever! We had a great time. There were probably 40 people there and I’m always surprised at that for some reason. So many families here and I hardly know any of them. It’s so easy to think that the people who surround you are simply the only people out there. Cristy and I rarely see people with little kids anymore. It made us each ache for our own!

Again, bring on the babies!

* Cristy wanted me to add that it's not just that she smokes 58 packs a day, it's also that they're non-filtered cigarette's. Supposedly that makes it even worse. (or better if you like that raspy voice) :)