...On To Big Girl Talk!

Well, how fun was that? I felt like a bunch of my best girls were sitting around a camp fire telling stories of 'way back when'. I have lowered my expectations and I suppose since the rest of us were kissing at 12 & 13 (or younger...), he'll most likely leave this party with a kiss or two. Wow. How much more strange will this feel when it's Yegs having his first boy/girl party? So weird.

My past fews days have been a bit crazy. This time of year means full days and evenings for me. There's a lot going on with our local legislative session and we're gearing up for some big battles. One of these is dear to my heart and it makes me think of Gracie with every breath. Had she been protected by our laws, we wouldn't be apart today.

My State carries an adoption ban for anyone "cohabitating" and not legally married so I wasn't able to legally adopt her. Most of you know this but I just thought I'd throw it out there for added info. We will now start the uphill battle to erase that restriction, in hopes of protecting our children from people like the mother of her - and there are many. This is only one thing is does.

The restriction not only makes it impossible for lgbt people in committed, loving relationships to adopt or foster, it also makes it so we can't legally protect the children we already have together - the children we create together. It's really a terrible law and I'm kind of stunned that we've stood still and allowed it to smother us for so long. 7 long years.

So on Monday, I'll host a meeting at my house and hopefully we'll be nearing the ending stages of getting people involved. We've held three other meetings and still three more coming. If you are in this state and you haven't attended yet, please consider it. You can email me privately and I'll give you the details.

Happy weekend everyone!

A Little Explanation

I have gone back and forth around leaving up the video of the mother of her and her awful attorney. I considered deleting the word "awful" because I thought for a minute that I shouldn't say something too personal about him on a place that's so public. But then I remembered all the stuff he said about me on the video. All the things they both said. And I feel like I could add a few more descriptive words and I'd still be way ahead of the karma game.

I wondered if posting the video would hurt your feelings. I mean, it's obviously personal for me but these might be words you've never heard about your families. Maybe you've never been called a "legal stranger" or "nothing more than a babysitter". I hope so. But I wanted you to see what they say about you - how much less they think of your family and mine. And I suppose I wanted you to grieve with me and be sick at the thought of people thinking of them as champions.

I think about what she said - that I always resented Gracie... Like I all of a sudden jumped out of the bushes to fight to keep a child that I never even wanted. Now I know what she'll tell her as she grows. But I don't worry about that. She knows I love her. I never saw her without telling her I'd do anything in the world for her. As they pass this video from church to church to raise money to fight cases like mine, I wonder if any of those church goers think it's odd that I would take such steps for a child I never wanted. I like to think people can see through that thick black eyeliner. I like to think they can tell she's an actress and that she's spent her life changing skin for those she'd like to impress upon.

There will always be a few that think of her as a miracle. She lived in sin for so many years - poor child. She never had a father - that must be what happened. I bet her adoptive dad would love to hear that. She never felt pretty so, of course, she "became" a lesbian. It's the most absurd thing I've ever seen. I watched her cry and thought, "she doesn't cry like that" - but what do I know about her? How do I know how she really cries?

And when she talks about y(our) children having mother after mother after mother - she's really talking about her own history of a million failed relationships. Three marriages - two before mine that she somehow failed to mention. Don't let her make you feel like you aren't whole and genuine. Shine that mirror back at her - at all of them.

This video answered every question I ever had about what went wrong with us. Every question she couldn't answer or that I didn't dare to ask was revealed there and, in some ways, I'm relieved. I'm relieved to know that whatever change happened in her, happened ("before") when I started asking. Selfishly, it feels good to know the timeline instead of feeling like I had been crazy all that time.

But none of this leaves me peace around Gracie. It just pummels me until I ache - knowing the eyes Gracie looks into are just ... vacant - a shell of the woman she once was. I'm worried that she'll hear words like she was "created out of sin" and not love. I fear that she'll spend the next ten years being raised by robots - people who preach hate and intolerance. And I'll spend the rest of her life showing her what it really means to love all God's children.

Do I sound intolerant? If I do, I think I have enough good karma to work with for a while.

That's My Truck - or whatever.

So I haven’t been sleeping well. I think I’ve been too cold to sleep. And when I lay there awake, my head is full of a million things. I worry about situations that require deep thought. And then I try to find a solution with my eyes closed. This week I’ve pondered ways to heal a broken heart and heal a tired head. I’ve worried about my walk (& many of yours) through the upcoming holidays and what we’ll all look like when it’s over.

We had another non-bio support group last night. One of the women sat with us through her daughter’s fourth birthday. It’s the first birthday where they haven’t been together. I wondered how she did it. I watched her and waited for some kind of implosion. Heartbreaking.

I thought about how I felt missing Gracie’s 3rd birthday and remembered how painful it was. The only thing that kept me above water was my pending court case and luckily, it was almost over by then and I saw her just two months later. But this girl won’t see her daughter. And her daughter won’t see her mother. Not in two months, not in two years. She has moved to 'somewhere Carolina' and is now being raised by her other’s mother’s new husband. And I don’t know if that’s any more difficult that your child being raised by another mom - another anyone. It doesn't matter. The point is that someone else has stepped into her shoes and is taking her to school, feeding her dinner and brushing her hair. Again, my thoughts went back to Gracie.

Is there someone else caring for her in my place? I like to think it's impossible to replace the kind of love I have for her. And is it selfish that the very thought of it makes me sick to my core? I’m sitting here begging for any little part in parenting this child - a human I love most in the world and someone else can walk in, develop a relationship with her mom and take my place – just like that. And of course I want her to be loved. Absolutely, I encourage you all to love her! But when I think about it, it still hurts. That someone else could be wearing my shoes and holding my brush and baking my cake and telling my stories and dressing my barbies and wiping my tears...

And I know, some “anonymous” person will chime in and tell me that I should only wish for her happiness and that if the mother of her is happy then Gracie will benefit 10 fold. I get it. Please don’t say it. & don’t think I don’t wish/pray for their happiness and health in every prayer and every fountain. Every day and every night. I do. But you get it, right? Straight/Gay/Whatever. It’s someone else, right? Isn't there a country song that says something like, "there's some guy driving MY truck that's parked in My front yard and he's playing with MY dog"... or something? I swear it's a song. And you know who would know? The mother of her! That's who would know that song and she'll read this and think, "well, you should've done this or you shouldn't have done that..." But she hears me. As you read this, she's reading it too. And I don't want my truck back or my yard back. I want my daughter back. & if you're allowing someone else to love her 1/2 as much as I do, I simply beg you not to replace me.

I said "ever" and I meant it.

Celebrate Good Times!

It's Wednesday night and I'm about ready for bed. This blog has been terribly boring of late because I have simply been consumed with elections. Well, it's over. I'm happy to say that we came out very well. We have an amazing new Mayor and two amazing new councilmen. And almost as big as that, school vouchers Failed! :) Yesterday was a good day. Mostly.

Yesterday there was an op-ed written to my city's newspaper. It was written by a man from Arizona whom I've never heard of. He's aligned with the organization that represented the mother of her so you can guess that he didn't speak very highly of me. He, of course, said that it's not possible for me to be a parent to Gracie - we're not "related". And that if anyone thought I was, they must also think that it's fine if a "live-in boyfriend of seven months or so" claims right to someone else's child. I could go on and on about why this is so absurd. I could scream the facts at him. I could tell him that I picked our donor to fit MY characteristics. I could tell him that I went to every prenatal visit. I never missed a single doctors appointment. I sang to her, bathed her, fed her and rocked her and now she's not seven months old - she's SIX. Six. But I don't need to tell him any of this. It won't make a difference. He doesn't see me. I have hate inside me for this man that I pray will go away. But still, nothing hurts me more than this part:

"The issue was not denial of visitation to an 'aggrieved parent,' but instead was sleight of hand to advance an agenda that seeks to redefine the family until it has been reduced to meaninglessness. "

I am sick and tired of bad people saying this is all just part of a grand agenda. I'm sick of them acting like my entire goal was just to dissolve the "natural family" or ruin marriages for all my hetero friends. I'm sick of it because it distracts from what this did to my daughter. It leaves her name/her person out of it and that's when I can't just sit by and listen. Instead, I'll respond. I'll call him a liar (without using those words) and I'll tell you here that we need to stand up and say they're wrong. We need to let them know that we fight for our babies because we love them and we're obligated to do so because we made promises before they were born.

There were over fifty comments after what he said. Most of them were people who thought just like him. Most of them could not understand why I would try so hard to take a baby "away from her mother". But I never did that. I would never do that to my daughter or anyone else's daughter.

That's what THEY did. They took my daughter's mother away.

Don't pretend to know me and my agenda. She has always been the only reason. Always.

I'm Stunned.

I refreshed my email today at 2:13PM. There she was. Is. The mother of her, sitting in my inbox. After all this time and all these blogs, she finally comments. She asked that I please remove Gray’s pictures to protect her privacy and then sent me the following info on how she is and what she’s doing. Because you've all been right here with me, I wanted to share it with you.

"Just so you know she’s doing great. She had her first dance recital and of course she ate up every second of it. She started kindergarten and the uniform is the cutest thing I have ever seen, particularly with her in it. She’s taking horseback-riding lessons and much to our surprise, she’s great at it. She loves church more than ever, and has even helped lead kids worship a few times. And of course SeaWorld has officially been done (and re-done and over-done) this summer---Shamu says “HI!”

God Bless you & yours,"


I think I held my breath while reading it. & then I re-read it and imagined Gray through every word. She had her first dance recital! She’s taking horse back riding lessons! My little girl has lead worship! I’m certain she’s the belle of the ball, the star of the show and the strictest of song leaders! I think of her and how happy she is and, while I miss her more than the stars, I’m smiling. I'm missing so much of her and through these few words, I find miracles. Just the miracle of knowing anything.

I will remove her pictures. And know now for certain that she’s reading here. And hope & pray that somehow that gives her a path to me, ...in case you ever, ever have a change of heart.



Ever.

All over the place -

I think I'm still recovering from our big gay weekend. I'm almost finished with laundry but wishing I had taken an extra day to get my rest before the week began. I'm tired.

I work for a non-profit (i know i keep saying this) and our annual dinner is coming up in exactly three weeks. We're planning for 1200 people. Twelve Hundred people to attend an LGBT Political Advocacy fundraiser in little 'ol Utah. I've always attended this event and I've always been impressed at how many people show enough interest but being on this side - this year - somehow makes me more grateful. It takes a lot to step up for the underdog.

Speaking of underdog, I got a call from a local gay mag today. They've decided to do a "series" of articles on the effects on families since the February ruling. On one hand, it makes the subject stay in the news and awareness is always the first step in educating people. But it also makes it feel like it'll never go away and there are days when I wish for nothing more. I know if we want to make a difference in this State, we need to keep talking about it. We need to expose people who do this to us. We need to create laws that make it so they can't do it anymore. We need to change minds about our families so people care that our children are protected - no matter what the outcomes of our relationships. If anyone reading this wants to be involved, please let me know.

And off to another tangent. While we were camping this weekend, I met many people I've never even seen before. I really thought it would be nice meeting new people and introducing them to my family. & it was. But it was hard to hear how much some of them already knew about me, my story - the sad part - the part that I wish was different more than anything on this earth. One woman was espeically brave and came to talk to me about it. She thought we knew common people - kind of we do. But the worst part was when she started talking about actual "court stuff" she had heard from someone I don't even know. The information was hurtful and untrue & was actually retracted from the hearing but this person didn't know that. This person heard it from someone else who didn't know that either. & that reminded me that too much has been put out there to really ever go away. After she went back to her camp, I begged Cristy, yet again, to move us away from here. (& to this person who just may read this...please don't feel bad. I'm actually very glad you talked to me about it)

Monday came and I was sitting at work when she she sent me an email. She had listed all the cities we could live that had cheap flights for Yeager and common cost of living expenses. She had been thinking about my request since I made it but I hadn't thought about it since. You see, I don't really want to move. I just want all the bad stuff to go away. Not that I don't want to tell my story. I don't mind that and I know it has to be done for people to get it. But I want all that early, awful court stuff to go away - where my wife told a judge that she was just my roommate and I was trying to steal her child. Or when my mother in-law agreed to the roommate story and told the judge that she had never seen me touch my daughter. He asked again, "Never?" And again she said "Never". Of course, all it took was a wedding album and baby book to prove them wrong but the fact that those things were said will never leave my days. & I am reminded that those are the lies Gracie will hear one day.

The Judge later said that every single person who testified for her was not credible. He either thought they were lying or didn't let them be counted because they didn't know us when we were together - only after we split and therefore, they didn't know me. He caught them in lie after lie while I sat and begged him to stop yelling at the mother of her. The whole things makes me ashamed and physically sick. & no matter who they are & why, I still don't know how people can lie just like that. Whether you're sticking up for your daughter or lying to get attention, it's wrong and it causes harm that is unending. Luckily he saw through every one of them so why can't I let it go? I'll tell you. It's because people still hear what they hear and every now & then, it comes up. This community is simply too small some days.

I know, I sound like a drama queen. I suppose I am. I know I got myself into this and I know I'll be just fine. But if I can't rant about it here, where can I? Right? Now tell me to hold still and to quit giving Cristy reasons to move us to the West Coast.

Sandy, Scooters, Sushi...

Another mom added to the list of so many of us on Friday. Her name is Jacqui and while I don't know her whole story, I'm glad she's here. - you are among friends.

The weekend was healing. Thanks for sticking it out with me. Every time I logged on to write, I ended up soaking in all of your words instead. It's amazing what a difference it can make for me. I hope you all feel the same.

Friday night was full of rest for us. I had a blueberry cocktail with J that afternoon that kind of set the scene for a relaxing evening. Cristy cooked a wonderful meal and allowed me to make her suffer through two movies. Both with Sandra Bullock and I didn't even do that on purpose. The next morning we woke up early and went to the Farmers Market. We were on our scooters for most of the day - it was lovely.

That night we had sushi with friends and planned to "swing by" the girl bar to say hi to a few friends. We ended up running into more friends and didn't get home until almost 3am! Mind you, we are girls who never "swing by" girl bars. There are only a couple anyway and neither are worth the "swing" but when you mix drinks with old friends and new friends...you just never know what will happen. It was so fun! At one point I asked E what time it was - thinking it was 11 or so - it was almost 1am. & we were just getting started! & to all of you who sang your hearts out...man I wish I had it in me! Thanks for the entertainment! Who knew you all had it in you? Besides Cristy, of course. She's a natural! :)

Last night we had dinner with my attorney (now very close friend) and her family. She reminds me how hard we tried but also about how much we lost. We also found out that there's yet another case looming in the distance and I just cringe when I think about what she's going through and what she has ahead of her.

Life is strange. & so uncertain. & what you know might really not be. I feel like I'm turning a corner and I'm finally starting to feel the anger that I've desperately needed. I've been too afraid to be mad because for so long I had to maintain a relationship with the mother of her. If I got mad at her she'd just pull Gracie farther away. I guess I have the freedom to really hate her if I want to. And that just makes me sad.

Damnit. Maybe I need to spend more time at the bar.

Happy 4th! (or 5th)

How was your holiday? Ours was H.O.T! but lovely - filled with friends and family, banana splits and fireworks. Perfect.

We woke up and decided we would take a giant scooter ride! "Giant" means we would ride all the way to Yeager's other house. The weather was nice enough in the morning but got more hot by the minute. By the time we dropped him off, I was in deep need of something refreshing!

I realize there are worse places (as far as weather) than Utah. But it is seriously hot these days. Global warming? I think Yes! I don't think we've had a day below 98 degrees in a while and 98 degrees is just too many!

Back to scooters...so Cristy and I continued our ride to the Sugarhouse Fair then around the neighborhoods then onto a tasty lunch. Everything was dreamy until we finished lunch and tried to go home. Mine died. Yep, my brand spankin' new scoot, died. Fortunately, our new house is at the bottom of a big hill. (this is unfortunate as far as real estate goes but still...) We coasted all the way home. Boo.

Did I tell you we bought Cristy a scooter too? She was supposed to sell her motorcycle first but she caved. They were just too cute. Here they are together:



Also, here is a better picture of the playhouse. It's actually a shed below and play area on top!



And one more of our new pergola. We built it all by our lonesome. Well, us and my parents.

Thanks to all of you who sent emails or left messages regarding my favorite holiday. I do appreciate how well you know me. The past few years I think I've hated that day but no more. I really want to Love the 4th of July again!

For those of you who don't know, it's always been my fave! I was born a patriot and everything "American" has always made me weepy. I have more packed up flags, flag pictures, flag dishes, history books, First Lady everything, etc than you've probably ever seen in one place. & I so loved the idea around Independence Day and fireworks that I decided to get married on the 4th of July. Bad idea. Never marry on a holiday - especially your favorite. It seemed a good idea at the time - imagining fireworks on every anniversary, celebrating my freedom and "free to be me" with her forever and forever but...as you know, it didn't work that way and I've been bitter for some time.

...(Not to mention my lull of pride in America since GW showed up. It's hard to be pro-America when your leader - picked TWICE - is such an idiot. Enough.)

So, last year I spent the firework weekend with Gracie. We bought pounds of every "way up" firework there was and I decided that this holiday is no longer about America or my failed relationship. Give me back the power to love my holiday! I'm going to enjoy it damnit! I'm going to watch the fireworks again and I'm going to love it!

And I did.

We watched them spontaneously with friends, kids and neighbors. And they were beautiful. Cristy held my hand and I was happy to be there with her. I thought of Gracie and knew without question that she was squealing with joy at every "way up" purple and gold flower. And that she was making dogs and cats and angels out of the ones that might be oddly shaped. I'm sure she had her hand on her heart and she said the pledge of allegiance and her mom secretly snuck a photo. I would pay big - so big - for that photo.

Last night, after many years, I re-owned the 4th of July as my favorite! Not because of GW or past weddings but because of the joy in Gracie's eyes and the softness of Cristy's hand and banana splits on a Wednesday night.

The magic is back.

I'm a Wreck!

Phone call 9am.
She's back. They're back.
They spoke at their church on Sunday.

My daughter is in this city.

Truthfully, I've wished it. Be careful what you wish for. I've prayed that they would come back here because now I have no way of knowing they're okay. Here, they have family that will make sure they're cared for.

I have such mixed feelings around it. Part of me is scared to death of being obsessive and wanting to see her every minute. Was it easier for me knowing I wouldn't run into her? If I did, and she was whisked away, how would I react? The other part of me is relieved, knowing that they'll be safe here and if the mother of her has any health problems, (which she does) Gracie won't end up with strangers or alone or scared. They have people here who know and love them.

But I know and love them too. Which makes me wish over and over that there could be some small little chance that she'll be home sooner than I thought. I realize it's a long shot but I'll never stop wishing it.

Why would I? Seems like some wishes come true.

She called. No message.

I've been thinking a lot about the mother of her, knowing she's thinking of me too. I wonder how she manages my pain. That sounds like I'm putting my pain on her shoulders and that's because I am. I know she feels it. She knows I'm devastated. We were once connected enough that she knew when I was crying - three states away. She knows.

We had all the "just in case" talks long before the ruling came out. No matter what they ruling, she would've won. Imagine that. I was tricked. I knew she was lying but my heart held out hope because I also believe she knows she's wrong. If I won, she'd stand beside me and wave the big rainbow flag and we'd make a difference. We would make change. And if I lost, it's okay - we'd work it out. She would never take me out of Gray's life again - not after all of this.

I'm an idiot.

How does she justify it all? The simple answer is that she's talked herself into always being right in every situation. She knows best. She'd say she's doing what's "right". She'd say, "how can i teach her that my whole life was a sin until now but then allow her to be part of that sin?" She plans to tell my daughter that, up until she found Jesus, she lived a sinful life and that Gray was created in that sin. She compared it to a prostitute getting pregnant. A. Prostitute. Getting. Pregnant. I can say it slowly, loudly and with my angriest voice but I can never say it without tears in my eyes.

I would give anything for Gray to never hear those words. I would give anything to have her mother not feel that her life; our life was a sin.

I could also blame this on what happens when you don't take care of your relationship - when you lose each other in all the madness of infertility and toddler hood. When you start looking somewhere else to be emotionally fed and a whirlwind begins. I could blame it on Jesus since He seems to be the one that lead her to this perfect life that doesn't include me. Or better and more broad, Christianity - because that's where all the crazy's place their hate on a tray and serve it to the people that are searching their hardest for something to hold onto. They reach out and feel held but only to be judged and changed and made less than they were when they were first created. No one is born hateful. We learn that from people who learned it before us.

Today I just blame her. I blame her for wedging herself through my door and leaving a mark that has stained me. I blame her for blaming me for sinking our ship without one ounce of "me too". I blame her for denying our daughter the right to be raised by both by of her parents. I blame her for the pain Gray must feel not knowing why I haven't come back to her. I blame her for whatever reason she's given for this time gone by because it's not good enough. It won't hold her. Not like I can.

Fly Away Little Bird.