A Little Explanation

I have gone back and forth around leaving up the video of the mother of her and her awful attorney. I considered deleting the word "awful" because I thought for a minute that I shouldn't say something too personal about him on a place that's so public. But then I remembered all the stuff he said about me on the video. All the things they both said. And I feel like I could add a few more descriptive words and I'd still be way ahead of the karma game.

I wondered if posting the video would hurt your feelings. I mean, it's obviously personal for me but these might be words you've never heard about your families. Maybe you've never been called a "legal stranger" or "nothing more than a babysitter". I hope so. But I wanted you to see what they say about you - how much less they think of your family and mine. And I suppose I wanted you to grieve with me and be sick at the thought of people thinking of them as champions.

I think about what she said - that I always resented Gracie... Like I all of a sudden jumped out of the bushes to fight to keep a child that I never even wanted. Now I know what she'll tell her as she grows. But I don't worry about that. She knows I love her. I never saw her without telling her I'd do anything in the world for her. As they pass this video from church to church to raise money to fight cases like mine, I wonder if any of those church goers think it's odd that I would take such steps for a child I never wanted. I like to think people can see through that thick black eyeliner. I like to think they can tell she's an actress and that she's spent her life changing skin for those she'd like to impress upon.

There will always be a few that think of her as a miracle. She lived in sin for so many years - poor child. She never had a father - that must be what happened. I bet her adoptive dad would love to hear that. She never felt pretty so, of course, she "became" a lesbian. It's the most absurd thing I've ever seen. I watched her cry and thought, "she doesn't cry like that" - but what do I know about her? How do I know how she really cries?

And when she talks about y(our) children having mother after mother after mother - she's really talking about her own history of a million failed relationships. Three marriages - two before mine that she somehow failed to mention. Don't let her make you feel like you aren't whole and genuine. Shine that mirror back at her - at all of them.

This video answered every question I ever had about what went wrong with us. Every question she couldn't answer or that I didn't dare to ask was revealed there and, in some ways, I'm relieved. I'm relieved to know that whatever change happened in her, happened ("before") when I started asking. Selfishly, it feels good to know the timeline instead of feeling like I had been crazy all that time.

But none of this leaves me peace around Gracie. It just pummels me until I ache - knowing the eyes Gracie looks into are just ... vacant - a shell of the woman she once was. I'm worried that she'll hear words like she was "created out of sin" and not love. I fear that she'll spend the next ten years being raised by robots - people who preach hate and intolerance. And I'll spend the rest of her life showing her what it really means to love all God's children.

Do I sound intolerant? If I do, I think I have enough good karma to work with for a while.