Monday, December 24, 2007

Christmas Eve

It's early in the morning and I thought I'd better start this post now or it won't happen.

This time of year brings such joy for me. As a Christian I feel extra emotional, knowing that this is when we celebrate the birth of Christ. As a daughter and sister and Auntie, I feel grateful because I seem to see my family about every other day or so through the month of December. As a partner, I count the Christmas' we've spent together as milestones and I feel lucky for each year that she's chosen to spend with me.

Last year, I spent this entire day with my daughter. I've relived the day a million times so I can seriously document every thing we did from morning 'til night. We laughed and sang. We cuddled and "watched a show". I held her in my arms after we spent a rainy day at Sea World. She fell asleep on my left side with my arm wrapped around her. I played with her during her bath and then brushed her hair. I helped her put on the new Christmas dress I brought her and got her ready for church. I kissed her. I hugged her - probably twenty times. Before she and her other mother dropped me off and drove away I asked her, like always, "how much do i love you?" and she said, "forever." It would be the last time I saw her.

I think about her today and there's probably a similar ritual happening. I miss her with every breath but I also count her as my greatest blessing. Pain/Beauty. The fact that I spent over five years with this fantastic, brilliant, funny, bull headed little miracle is something I'll always hold so tightly. And today, every year for the next many, I'll think about the perfect day that was one whole year ago and wish - every wish I can hold - for her to be happy and healthy and surrounded by goodness.

I love you Gracie girl - my whole life.