Thursday, May 17, 2007

Still a Wreck . Part II

I have been overdosing on self loathing lately. I can think of a thousand things that are not the way they should be. I can cry 42 minutes out of every hour, if I want to. It's a talent I never dreamed to have. & I'm not sure if I'm just over medicated or if I'm really justified in my grief/fear/sadness. I feel foolish.

Let's talk, for a minute, about exes. I don't think mine needs any introduction and I'm sure she'd say the same for me. But what if weird sort of things started happening with an ex of your partner? What if their ex started calling them "honey" or "baby" and it just happened to be at a time when her relationship was ending? What if she started giving your partner pictures of her child (not your partners) for Mother's Day? What if she just became way more friendly than usual, with both of you, then all of a sudden you find out that she Named Her New Dog THE SAME NAME AS THE DAUGHTER you just LOST? Seriously, I'd like any answers you might have. Any. Because after the last example of odd behavior, I'm finding it all inexcusable!

As many of you know, there is a lot of past pain between us. But is that enough? As a human being, could you really ever do such an awful thing to someone? The excuse is that she "likes the name". Who doesn't? It's a beautiful name that was given to most precious thing in my life. It's a name that brings me from joy to tears in 1.5 seconds. It's the name of a daughter I lost and will not see again for many, many years. Is it enough to simply like the name?

When the dog was introduced to me, it stung. My stepson gently said, "do you know what her name is?" And I said yes. I figured it had been her name for a long time. I figured the name existed before the new girlfriend came along. I told him it was okay. Lots of things have the name Gracie - babies, dogs, cats, grandma's. But to find out that she actually gave her that name - on purpose, very recently - hurts me in a way that I can't describe.


I went to the grocery store last night and for the first time in a very long time, I looked for her. Before she moved away, I did that everywhere. The park, the grocery, the mall, the streets. Having her away felt safe in that I wouldn't have to be ripped away from her - but having her close feels comforting; knowing she's close enough to play in my parks, shop at my grocery & malls and walk down my streets. We are breathing the same air and that's as close to cradling her as I'm going to get for a while.