Monday, October 22, 2007

Do You Remember Me?

Did I wake your walls when I walked through your door? Does my blood still run softly through the halls of your Kingdom? You carry part of me still - like a thick scar. I have left a piece of me with you. I do not want it back. It will always be.

Today I went back to the courthouse. It's the first time I've been there, when it wasn't about Gracie and my fight for her. Instead, I went there to support my sister & niece in-law. You remember...the story about the beautiful little girl with the mother addicted to heroin? Yeah, it was appalling.

Being there brought back many feelings of angst and fear and tragic endings. When I walked in the smell was so familiar - like I had known it my whole life. I walked through the scanner and felt like people were watching me, just like old times. But no one was looking at me. We were there to keep a family together and I tried to focus on that.

There was a long wait before we met before the Judge. We sat outside and I watched countless children with children walk by. My guess is that most of them were in situations they never dreamed they'd be in. Maybe some were fighting to keep their children, while others were giving them away. It was heartbreaking.

I thought about all of you. And me. All of us who want our children with all of our hearts. Some of us who haven't realized that dream yet and some that just want a second or third chance. And here are all these people who can't care for what they have. And even when they care, sometimes they don't care enough. The Judge had heard the story a thousand times. She didn't even bat an eye. "Admit heroin use, I'll issue a warrant for the father, temporary custody, come back in a week...bla bla bla"...another child who isn't being cared for by her parents.

Again, I don't know anything about drug use. I've been learning a little during this experience but I feel even more disconnected from the ability to sympathize after seeing all those kids today. How is this so hard? Why have a baby and make the promises you do and then make such a choice?

Sad, sad, sad.