Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Face to Face

So the idea is to start a support group. You know, for those of us in this awful situation of either having lost our child, in the process of losing our child or waiting to see if we're going to lose our child. The idea floated around a few months ago and was brought up again the other day. I guess it's time. There's obviously need for it.

I started this blog in hopes of keeping open communication between non-bio moms in my situation throughout the county. Some of our cases are now over and others are still pending. Some have won and other have settled. At the time of my ruling, I didn't know anyone here who was in my same situation but within days of my ruling, that changed. Now there are 7. 7 women in this very city whom I've spoken to in one way or another - some I'm close to and others I only know through phone calls or emails. Either way, they all think it's time we meet in the same place. Face to face.

I have mixed feelings about us all meeting in one place. As much as I love the idea of supporting each other, I have fear that it could somehow make it worse. Believe me, in no way do I feel like I'm healed or even closer to healing than I was 9 months ago. But I also really try not to focus on what I've lost. I just hold it quietly and when I fill up, I do what I can to let some go. But when I let myself sit it in, I'm consumed. I think about everything that went wrong and how unfair life is and how I will never truly be able to explain this to her.

The best thing I see happening is sharing information on what works and what doesn't. How do you get to sleep at night? What argument did your lawyer use? Who is your lawyer? How did you pay for your case? Wen do you say when? How long is too long? What I'm afraid of is everyone telling their story and having it be a big, sad experience where everyone goes home feeling worse and more lonely and more afraid than when they started.

Somehow I wish we could all be together and have one big cry fest. Just once. All of you - even those way over there in the middle & on the east coast. I miss you somehow when we're talking of meeting. And not seeing your faces seems unfair. I almost said, "you should start the same kind of group where you live" but then realized there probably aren't any others like you where you live. My
ruling made other people like me. I created monsters. Not me, really. But my life. Really.

I want time to pass quickly. For others, I want time to stand still. But I guess, while we wait, we wait together.