Friday, October 12, 2007

A blessing, not a promise.

Isn't it crazy how things can so quickly seem wrong? - how one day can be great and the next not so great and then suddenly you're no where even resembling great?

I'm having a bad day and it's still pretty early.

It's been a week since I talked to Gracie. Part of me thinks the joy I felt that day should've lasted longer. Or lasted, in general. But I'm back to feeling worlds away from her and her life, maybe even more than I was before the call.

I remind myself every day that the phone call was a blessing, not a promise. I say that to myself over and over. It was what it was. I've prayed for months for the opportunity to say what I was able to say and I feel blessed to have had that chance. But it wasn't enough. Of course, it will never be enough.

Some of you have wondered if it would actually make things worse - harder. And I suppose I don't have a solid answer to that because all of it feels bad on this day. Some of you have questioned the intentions of the mother of her - did she send the email to hurt me? rub in what I'm missing? Did she have Gracie answer the phone to derail any progress of healing I was showing on this blog? I don't know what to think. My heart wants to discount everything you're saying and believe she's trying to reach out with no intentions other than to see how it feels and where it goes. My heart also knows better and knows not to trust itself when it comes to her.

And so it goes.