Thursday, June 14, 2007

Today's Gift

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12

My amazing boss & dear friend spoke these words to me yesterday afternoon. Yesterday was a hard day, as you might have noticed. I always think I can fool the average fool but he's not that guy. He noticed early on that my day had spiraled and I was barely above water by lunchtime.

I made him repeat it twice because the devil on my left just wasn't listening. After that, I asked him to send it in an email so I could be sure to read it multiple times last night. Instead, it has become my full time mantra and I am realizing just how heavily "losing hope" is weighing on my spirit.

Losing something as precious as hope has not been an option for me. I have always had some kind of battle that I could fight that would, at the very least, keep me hopeful. When I first lost Gracie, I had hope that I would be with her soon. I held my breath for almost a year and carried hope as close to me as my own skin. & when I had to start fighting, there was always hope we would win. & we did. Over and over. We won every round of everything. Every Commissioner, every Judge - the Child Psychologist, the Guardian Ad-L*tem. Everyone was on the side of us being together and keeping me hopeful. & when we won over and over, I had hope that routine would set it and our lives would become "normal" again. But then we lost. & we lost big.

So I'm at this place where I want to keep hopeful. I want to keep the battle going that gets me to her. Some days it just seems too far away. Other days, I just hold her tightly in my thoughts and walk all the way through bedtime. Either way, hope is what I need to stay above water. Deferring it is not an option.

And to those of us waiting for new pregnancies or waiting for a little girl from Taiwan or a handsome boy from Guatemala, use this little proverb to shut up that damn devil on your left! Because there is always hope.

And to those of us who are waiting for our little girls and little boys, there's not only hope but also justice. Hold on, it's coming right along. (Congrats Massachusetts!)

"I know what you're asking today, `How long will it take?' I come to say to you this afternoon, however difficult the moment, however frustrating the hour, it will not be long, because truth pressed to earth will rise again. How long? Not long, because no lie can live forever. How long? Not long, because you still reap what you sow. How long? Not long, because the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice."
Dr. Martin Luther King