Wednesday, June 6, 2007

24601 - do you get it?

So have any (or all) of your seen Les Miserables?

I saw it for the first time in 1986. My mom took me and I cried through every minute of it. I've seen it many time since then and for some reason, I found myself connected with the character of Eponine. She sings On My Own after realizing the love of her life chooses someone else. And then she dies. Tragically. Hence the title.

Well lately, and this is not a joke, I've been waking up after dreaming about Fantine, another character who only has a very small part at the beginning. I think I'm her in my dream. Maybe. And there's this song that she sings about her daughter - sort of standing up for her even though she can't be in her life. She ends up dying before they're reunited which is SO not my plan but it's just been odd how often it's been in my mind. In my dreams I'm arguing with all these women that are trying to make me feel bad and it's always very intense. I wake up sad every time. Sad & reminded that it's not so different than real life. My arms are empty just like hers. I send money & gifts but I don't know if she gets them. I have trust that someone else will raise her well but I wouldn't know either way.

The past week or so I've been singing this song throughout the day. I can't get it out of my head. But I haven't told anyone. Not my family, not Cristy, not my friends. And then...

The other night after Cristy gave me yet another shot that sent me screaming, she decided to tell me that she secretly bought us tickets to go see it - again. Out of nowhere. We're going to see a play that I've been dreaming about while I'm awake & while I'm sleeping. Could I have talked in my sleep? Subconsciously, could she have known my thoughts & found a way to bring me closer to that which haunts me?

I used to sing Gracie a song from the play called Castle On A Cloud. One little verse goes like this:

There is a lady all in white, Holds me and sings a lullaby,
She's nice to see and she's soft to touch, She says, "Gracie, I love you very much!"
There is a place where no one's lost, There a place where no one cries,
Crying, at all, is not allowed, Not in my castle on a cloud.

I hope she still hears me.