Wednesday, June 13, 2007

At the end of the game...

...the King and the Pawn go back in the same box.

I am feeling like the Pawn lately. & trying to remind myself what it's all about and that there will be a different ending than the one than looms over me now.

I sat with friends at dinner last night and our conversation drifted to the days when my life was consumed with court and media. I spoke about a few memories and even Cristy was surprised at what I shared. But it's funny, after I got visitation, I stopped thinking about all those awful times. Those were the days that were supposed to disappear when Gracie finally came home. And they did for a while. But lately, I think about it far too often - just questioning what the whole journey was really about.

We talked about what children remember and I tried to think of my earliest memories. I know there are things she won't forget but I suppose it depends on what she's being told. Where does she think I went all of the sudden? What did they tell her when she asked? If I could have just had one last conversation - just one - to prepare her for a wait. If I could have sneaked pictures in her room or left her my favorite t-shirt or just told her that, no matter what, I will always be right here.

I was at a local outdoor mall yesterday - waiting for Cristy while she shopped. I sat at the fountain to watch the children play and I began to cry. I saw a little girl and, for a moment, I thought she might be mine. Realizing she was years younger, I thought I may have lost my mind. I was embarrassed and disgusted that I might not recognize my own child and then I realized that the next time I see her, I may not. Eight years from now, we might be standing at the same lip gloss counter and I'll be looking at her and all of her friends - knowing that my Gracie is that same age. But what if it's really her? & what if I miss it?

Now that she's back in Utah, I look for her everywhere. But what will I do if I spot her? Will I run to her and hold her tightly? Will I stay back knowing it might cause confusion for her? God help me figure out a solution to this madness.