Sunday, June 10, 2007

I was sure by now...

that you would have reached down & wiped my tears away - stepped in and saved the day. but once again, I say Amen...and it's still raining.

Sometimes prayers don't cut it. You'd think I would've learned this by now.


It's been a hard weekend. Friday just hurt and even though I spent the evening in the arms of my dearest friends, the rest of it was barely tolerable. So many of you have been in these shoes and I've been here enough times to know what a negative test feels like. But this time it was after more work than ever. You know, living with foreign medication in my body for six months. Paying more than a 1/4 of my annual salary. And just waiting so damn long.

I remind myself that I'm not a failure. My heart gets it right. My body messes it all up. Years ago I thought we were a team. The last few years has reminded me that I have my own internal battle going on.

The good things:

I was reminded by the nurse that I can now have a drink. In fact, she recommended it at the end of our phone call at 2 in the afternoon. Also, I can have s*x. While this is a bonus, you can imagine how sexy I feel at this point. And, of course, I now have the luxury of no needles every day. wow. lucky me.

But this is my one and only post that will focus on this. We are going to try another time and I'm going to try to do it with as much hope as this time around. I'm going to keep reading all the blogs that keep my going. I'm going to start my meds again. I'm going to keep praying on my way to work. I'm going to keep wishing on every lit candle and every shiny penny. I'll even click my shoes because this is something I want for us - more than almost any other thing!

Thanks to all of you who've said such loving things. Cristy and I feel so blessed to have so many positive wishers in our lives.

* I will praise you in this storm. I will lift my hands. For you are who you are - no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried you hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm. - Casting Crowns.