Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Ready or Not...

Here I am. I've been meaning to start a blog for some time. Approximately 8000 people have recommended it. Most say I should write a book or, at least, start a journal. Either way, that I should just write and write until I am empty of words. But I've been afraid. I have fear that my words, my feelings, will somehow turn into Motions or Court briefs, articles or gossip. That makes me sound erogant and I don't mean to sound important - or famous. It's more like infamous, I suppose. In reality, they are only my feelings and intended to simply be theraputic and healing - just for me.

One day I will start at the beginning. Or maybe I'll slowly take the journey backward and tell you of a story that should surely scare you to death. For now, I'll start with today.

Today is Tuesday & I miss her. I miss the smell of her skin and hair. I miss her hands on my face and the sound of her little voice. They say I'll see her soon and, in my heart, I know she'll be waiting. She's five. Every time I say that it surprises me. I think about her being 4 lbs. Or even before that, a little bean at the first ultrasound. On that day, nothing could've been better. I was on top of the world.

Today I wish she was older. What kind of parent says that? Who would wish to miss their daughters school years, first tooth fairy, first kiss? Today, I would. I want her home. I want her to be able to choose. So, with that, I want her to grow up. Of course, if I could change about a hundred things, I would wish differently. But we'll get to that another time.

For now, I'll make another wish before I fall asleep and miss her even more tomorrow.