Babies & Birthdays

So...to try another round of IVF, we would 1/2 the meds. That's the (so far) advice of our specialist. By doing so, we run the chance of less eggs/no eggs. We only got 13 the first time with just 4 fertilizing so it makes me worry. Plus, let's be real - it's damn expensive! I almost hate to try again until we have more information. I know there aren't any guarantee's and I'm not looking for that kind of guarantee but I'd like to know whether or not I'll get sick again. If so, we'll have to do another FET and our chances go way down again. Y.U.C.K.

We'll keep talking about it. We'll also keep talking about all the other options. I so appreciate all the advice I get here, believe me. If it weren't for so many of you, Kerry in particular, I wouldn't even consider IVF again. We're kicking around a million ideas but they all include a baby in the house. No matter how - and don't worry, I won't do anything illegal...we will have a solution. I'm certain of it. And I'm going to do as Nerdgirl said and start making some demands of Santa. I hadn't thought of that. :)

Onto happier times...tomorrow is a good day! It's the day that my very dear friend was BORN and can I just tell you how happy it makes me? She is intelligent and funny. She's beautiful and compassionate. She has raised incredible daughters and married an equally wonderful woman this very year. This year, I believe, is her best Ever and even though she wishes her birthday didn't exist, it exists to us and there is more light in our world with every birthday she has.

So...a day early, as not to make a fuss ON her birthday - I wanted to wish E the best day ever! I love you dearly and can't wait to celebrate you this weekend!

And after such a nice, long weekend...

back to work.

I loved having so much time off and so much time at home. The house is clean, the laundry is done and I even got to watch a couple of movies. We had a ton of time with family and friends and now I just want it right back. I can never get enough.

Some of our friends were in town for Thanksgiving so we had them over Saturday night. I haven’t seen them in a while. The last time they were here, I was with Gracie in Texas. I haven’t seen them since the ruling and their first questions was whether or not it was okay to talk about. Yuck. I tried to keep it quiet and Cristy was so great about moving the conversation in another direction.

They have a 5 year old little girl that was so fun! She went up to the nursery/spare bedroom/Gray’s room and started playing with her things. I was nervous at first. I hold that room as hallowed ground sometimes. But I loved having little girl energy in there and in the house! She and Yegs played so well together - until they crashed. He SO needs a sister or brother!

And I can hardly think of anything else. I sat at the computer for way too long over the weekend - searching sites, researching possibilities. Sometimes I wonder if it's really going to happen. We're nearing the first steps of trying again and part of me cringes at the emotions it brings. But aren't I living with them anyway? I mean, I sit here consumed at the thought of getting pregnant/getting a baby. What am I waiting for? I say my body needs more time to heal but aren't I just going to get sick again anyway? What are the chances of OHSS not happening the 2nd time? Kerry? Anyone? Part of me thinks something was wrong and they wouldn't do it like that again. My estrogen level was over 8000. Surely, something "wrong" triggered that.

& there are other options. We can lie through our teeth and adopt. It's illegal to adopt in my state if you aren't married...but living with someone & having sex. I know, odd. But that was their way of excluding the gays without actually saying it. It's a Morm*n thing. That's how they communicate. Ask Cristy's family. So we could lie and say we're not a couple. Or we could use an agency out of State and hope nobody thinks twice about where we "found" our child. It's all just frustrating and I don't know where to begin.

For now, I'll keep thinking and dreaming and wishing for a possible solution.

Post-Thanksgiving

I hope everyone enjoyed their "yesterday". Thanksgiving is always one of our favorites and this year was so exception. The whole family crammed into one room - I love it every single time.


We were in charge of rolls and yams. We let the rolls rise for 5 hours, baked 'em 17 minutes. We opened a can of yams, baked 'em 30 minutes. (the yams are not a typical dish but my favorite oldest nephew had requested them as Thanksgiving was also his twelfth birthday.) Either way, I think our food assignments show that we clearly haven't entered the realm of "grown up" yet. My grandmother and mother are still here (thank God) so everyone else just kind of follows along. I'm afraid, by the time I have to cook my own turkey, I'll be too old to figure it out.

Moving on to Black Friday...

We left Yegs at grandma's last night. He would've killed us had we made him wake at 4am to go shopping. Plus, it's getting harder to hide things now that he's eight. But it was only a plan to go at 4am...MY plan. As usual, Cristy put on a pouty face and we ended up not leaving the house until after 7am. (just kidding, baby!) We got a coffee, got breakfast and it was all over by 11:30. Fa-abulous! Of course we spent every last dollar until payday but I feel good knowing that we're almost finished. And as I sit here, I can look over and see all the wrapped presents under the tree. Peace at last.

I hope you're all enjoying your long weekend. I hope it's filled with family and friends just like ours is.

***

I wanted to quickly post a request for prayers and love for Mommies in the Making as they journey through such a painful experience. Bless'ed be. You are surrounded.

Feeling a Bit Behind in the Game

How many of you have started Christmas shopping already? Because I’m feeling behind and it hasn’t even begun. I need to get Gracie’s package ready and that always takes a lot of thought. What does she like? What size does she wear? Does she already have that movie? Is her hair long enough for clips? Does she need some fun blue extensions? Sheesh! So many things. And who knows what we’ll get Yegs. I feel like we buy him the same things over and over and just sneak a few pieces of clothing in now & then so he doesn’t notice. So far, so good. But what next? I guess I need to start thumbing through some catalogs…

So who really goes shopping at 4am? I know there must be at least one of you! The past couple of days have been full of commercials about stores opening at 4am on black Friday and I wonder who really does that? Plus, I’m embarrassed to say that I always thought black Friday meant that it was depressing or something. Cristy just informed me that it actually means a positive money day. Whatever. I'm not earning money that day so it’s still depressing, right?

I’ll be lucky to get Cristy out the door by 7am and that’s only if I have a clear plan of where we’re going and what we’re buying. I will also need a nice iced espresso mocha in her right hand and allow her to wear a hat. And even then it's questionable. But I could lie. She’d never know I didn't have a clear plan. Because isn’t it really about the rush of it all? - getting there and watching people go crazy over a towel that will just get gross after three washings? I mean, I buy things, I do. But I don’t really know what they are until I get there. Because you can see this wonderful item in a catalog but then you get there and it’s made of plastic or it’s scratchy or too dark. I like to look around – hold things. I like to know what people are buying – what’s neat! I am a voyeur, a follower. I like to see people get excited. I like to see moms with their daughters and granddaughters – when you know it’s something they’ve done together for years and years. I can hardly wait.

I wanted to pass on this new cartoon character I was sent today. I think it looks really cute and might be of use to many of you. If nothing else, the color pages are cute. It looks like a mimic of Dora but with two moms. It's full of lessons, which I like very much.

I also wanted to be sure everyone knew that HRC’s 2008 Buying Guide was released and it’s always a good reference when you’re doling out your pennies.

And if you’re interested in advertising equality in my particular state, you can also shop here on black Friday or any Friday or really any old day you want!

So there’s my push for community love! If you could give me back some good shopping ideas, I'd appreciate it.

Puke, Paint & Peace

Friday night? Not so nice. Poor Yegs. The plan was to pick him up, pick up his friend and host a sleep over. Cristy picked him up from his moms and before they left the house, he puked. Big. Again in the car on the way home and another two or three times until he finally fell asleep. The problem? It's on your "every corner" menu! He ate a double cheeseburger, fish fillet sandwich, large fry and THIRTY-TWO ounce soda after school! Y.U.C.K. So, lucky for us - (the parents that never fill his fist sized stomach with that kind of garbage, let alone that MUCH garbage) we got to clean it all up! Not pretty. This was more food than a very large man would have for lunch. And the answer? "He ordered it." Nice.

Saturday I had early plans to help a friend pick out new colors for her new bachelorette pad. Sort of. Anyway, she's newly single and moving forward! You know those days...when you want to change every little thing that ever proved that someone else lived with you? Due to my later plans cancelling, I ended up staying until about 9pm. But it's lovely. I went back again today to finish up and start on the next room. I must admit that I love people who have white walls. - but let me change them. It made such a difference in her home and I'm just praying that she still loves it tomorrow. Caramel. Yum. If I could have a dream job it would be to spend other people's money - decorating their houses when they're not home. I realize there are already people who have this job but I don't see why it can't be me. It was so fun! & tiring! But I smiled a lot and worked the muscles in my right hand so all is well.

Our weekend is wrapping up nicely this evening. Our best girls just left and we are now refueled for the upcoming week. God bless J & E. I was able to sit for a couple of hours - eating, talking and running my fingers through Cristy's hair. Perrrfect.

And just to remind you all, Thanksgiving is this Thursday! I think I just realized this! Where is November going? So gather all your thoughts and find something to be grateful for - you have just a few days to be nice to whomever sits next to you...hoping they say your name when it's their turn to talk.

The Next Generation...

Tonight I spoke to an American Government class at a local college. I do this kind of thing as often as I can but tonight was exhilarating! Nineteen kids, probably all under twenty, proved to me that they're about to change the world.

My goal was to teach them how to be involved in the political process. I told them how easy it is to lobby. Write an email, make a phone call, travel up to the Capitol and make your wish! I spoke for about a 1/2 hour before I decided to stop and ask some questions. I'm not sure why, but after reading them for a bit, I realized they were way above the kind of "easy" I was talking about. Before I knew it, we were talking about how to run for office, how to write legislation and how get it passed. Amazing.

They told ME how asking for basic rights is not asking for special rights. They told me that everyone deserves equality - that our families should recognize it, our employers should recognize it and our government should recognize it. I shared a little of my personal story about my battle around Gracie and I could see the question in their eyes. "What? How is that possible? And they tried to legislate your family?" They got it.

I like to think I was a pretty smart kid. I have always been curious about the politics in this country and I have even been known to be quite a patriot in some hoods. I voted for Reagan in a mock election in 4th grade and I couldn't wait to cast my first real vote in 1989. (I had changed parties by then) I take it seriously. I participate when asked. But these kids are for real! They are ready to go. Forget learning how to introduce yourself - jump in & change it up! It was wonderful.

I was reading one of my favorite blogs today and she talked about turning a corner into the "back in My day..." category. While I was reading it I thought, "oh, poor jbeeky, she must be Sooo old..." - not really. I mean, she is Not old. & I totally wouldn't think that about such a fantastic, amazing, young mother of two! :) What I really thought was, "I'm about to be heading to Forty". Some would say that's old. & sometimes I feel old. But tonight... tonight I felt like these kids have learned what they know from old people like me. (And jbeeky) Just like I have stood on the strong shoulders of those before me, they will now stand on mine and yours. And it felt good. I ended by telling them that because they have the "ability" to act, now they have the respons"ability" and I expect to see them put it to use.

They have my vote.

That's My Truck - or whatever.

So I haven’t been sleeping well. I think I’ve been too cold to sleep. And when I lay there awake, my head is full of a million things. I worry about situations that require deep thought. And then I try to find a solution with my eyes closed. This week I’ve pondered ways to heal a broken heart and heal a tired head. I’ve worried about my walk (& many of yours) through the upcoming holidays and what we’ll all look like when it’s over.

We had another non-bio support group last night. One of the women sat with us through her daughter’s fourth birthday. It’s the first birthday where they haven’t been together. I wondered how she did it. I watched her and waited for some kind of implosion. Heartbreaking.

I thought about how I felt missing Gracie’s 3rd birthday and remembered how painful it was. The only thing that kept me above water was my pending court case and luckily, it was almost over by then and I saw her just two months later. But this girl won’t see her daughter. And her daughter won’t see her mother. Not in two months, not in two years. She has moved to 'somewhere Carolina' and is now being raised by her other’s mother’s new husband. And I don’t know if that’s any more difficult that your child being raised by another mom - another anyone. It doesn't matter. The point is that someone else has stepped into her shoes and is taking her to school, feeding her dinner and brushing her hair. Again, my thoughts went back to Gracie.

Is there someone else caring for her in my place? I like to think it's impossible to replace the kind of love I have for her. And is it selfish that the very thought of it makes me sick to my core? I’m sitting here begging for any little part in parenting this child - a human I love most in the world and someone else can walk in, develop a relationship with her mom and take my place – just like that. And of course I want her to be loved. Absolutely, I encourage you all to love her! But when I think about it, it still hurts. That someone else could be wearing my shoes and holding my brush and baking my cake and telling my stories and dressing my barbies and wiping my tears...

And I know, some “anonymous” person will chime in and tell me that I should only wish for her happiness and that if the mother of her is happy then Gracie will benefit 10 fold. I get it. Please don’t say it. & don’t think I don’t wish/pray for their happiness and health in every prayer and every fountain. Every day and every night. I do. But you get it, right? Straight/Gay/Whatever. It’s someone else, right? Isn't there a country song that says something like, "there's some guy driving MY truck that's parked in My front yard and he's playing with MY dog"... or something? I swear it's a song. And you know who would know? The mother of her! That's who would know that song and she'll read this and think, "well, you should've done this or you shouldn't have done that..." But she hears me. As you read this, she's reading it too. And I don't want my truck back or my yard back. I want my daughter back. & if you're allowing someone else to love her 1/2 as much as I do, I simply beg you not to replace me.

I said "ever" and I meant it.