I'm leaving on a jet plane!

Not today. And not for a couple of weeks but I'm so excited because we bought tickets to go to CA for the week after Christmas! Wha-hoo! It's been far too long since we've done our typical trip and if we could skip every day between now and then, I would take her hand and lead her there this very minute!

My (our) plans are very simple. I want to fly into long beach, drive to the coast and have breakfast, head to Irvine to visit some friends, get lost in the strawberry fields then somehow end up in LA until New Years Day! I promise to get dressed a few times but my first choice will be to remain in my pj's for as many hours as possible. I want to watch movies and eat in. I want to talk until 2am and walk until we're lost. I want to open the coffee shop then mozy around Whole Fo*ds until noon. Every - single - day. Life is always easy in LA.


This was Cristy on a trip just like the one we'll take. Except this is San Diego. Near Humphrey's and near Amy Ray. jbeeky knows this view well. Well, not the view of Cristy's "butt" well but you get what I'm saying.

Taking this trip is keeping me sane at the moment.

I better go. I need to start packing...

Peaceful & Perfect!

I think I may have had my best weekend ever. Or maybe not Ever but in a very long time.

As you know, we got snow! Inches of it! It's beautiful! & when it snows, we like to do just about anything to stay warm. I love layers and cocoa and blankets and big socks. I love early to bed and late to rise. I love to shop when everyone's too afraid to be out and about. And this weekend, I finally found a painting for our parlor.

I know, I've probably not done a lot of complaining here about not having a painting but I do it a lot to Cristy. We have this big, burgundy wall that's just empty. It's has an art light outlet but no art. & you don't want to just hang something up there. It has to be special and it has to mean more than the furniture we'll have to replace every five years. We got it. (here you go, Jack!)

I know you can't really tell, but it's very big. 4'X4'. But the wall is huge so I really think it's perfect. We hung it last night and we keep walking past it saying, "beautiful!" I think we're both pretty happy with it. The end of a long hunting trip.

Other parts of our weekend were full of me ordering a beer and really liking it, being in pj's by 6pm yesterday and today, renting a movie last night and seeing Gold*n Comp*ss today. (interesting) Seriously, if I would wrapped some presents I might've added "productive" to my title.

But wait, I got a painting. That. Is. Productive.

It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas!

Here's what we woke up to this morning!

Believe it or not, all the snow I bragged about the other day was gone in days...this time it should last a while.




Thanks again for the all the comments and emails regarding our family baggage. I deleted the post after a day because I thought having Y's dirty laundry out there wasn't really fair. But we're happy we posted because your thoughts brought a lot of clarity to the subject and we're stronger for it by far. Big love to each of you.


Today is cd1. We're back on track but not sure for what. IVF? Fresh insems? It's all up in the air but at least today is the beginning of something and, while out and about today, we looked at little boy clothes and little girl furniture just for fun. It feels good to be back in the game.


Have a great rest of your weekend. Drive safely if your outside looks anything like mine.

Killing Time

Man. Long day. It's only Monday, right? I wonder if this is telling of the week I'll have.

Life is busy. There is much to do. All. The. Time. Right now I'm dreaming of steeping some tea and bathing with lavender salts frothing around me. Instead I'll take Cristy who just walked in with chocolate covered strawberries and cinnamon almonds.

Cristy has "business stuff" tonight and tomorrow night. That leaves me with time to fill up. I'm embarrassed to say that anything more than a couple of hours doesn't bid me well. In fact, she actually makes me fill the time so I don't leave myself room to get into a funk.

So tonight I decided to use it to visit my mom - the greatest woman on earth. We sat. We talked. We had dinner. She is everything wonderful you would find in a mom. Sometimes I look at her and I feel a little anxiety - knowing I might not be that great. You know? She's had a lot of living. She had three kids under the age of 3 by the time she was 22. She married terribly young and spent the next twenty years fighting to keep it. I wonder how she and my dad ever made it 37 years. But then I remember, it was all her. She has held us all through so much. She lives and breathes every day with the loss of a son and a grandaughter but she only talks of both of them with smiles and as blessings - she's never a victim. She's amazing.

My drive home was full of tears with a familiar song from last Christmas. I knew I'd have more time alone when I got here and I was anxious thinking about it. But as I walked through the back door, sweet Tori was at my front door. A bit of an angel? Yes. She just might be my longest "friend" and when I get to talk to her, I enjoy every minute of it. She stayed until just minutes before Cristy walked in.

Isn't it funny how things just work out? Like getting to eat stawberry's in bed near a lavender candle maybe?

I'm on it.

From Start To Finish

I must say - we've had a very full day. It's 9:27pm and I'm using this post to unwind before heading upstairs to watch Oce*ns 13. - except I've never seen eleven or twelve so I'm really just planning to shut my eyes and assume to know that all the handsome men end up alive and well in the end and that they robbed a big bank and they're all living on the coast of somewhere with an equally beautiful woman.

But back to the day...we woke up this morning to this:

Outside our side patio

Outside our back kitchen window

And the front view

It was so beautiful. I think we got at least six inches of snow this morning! I'm not sure how many times Cristy's shoveled but there is still more snow out there. Time for the blower, for sure! We actually made people come over during this snow storm so if any of you read this, know that we appreciate your bravery and collaboration and thank you very kindly for the doughnuts.

I had work related plans to attend a church service this afternoon and I definitely owe Cristy BIG for going with me. I was supposed to be speaking about the gays vs the evangelicals but it was so NOT that. Instead I spoke to a group that included a spritiual healer, a sex addict and a non-gay living gay man. We watched the movie I told you about and then searched "inside ourselves" for the answers it gave us. There were many moments of, "now close your eyes and listen to what your insides are telling you...listen...listen..." I sat there (eyes peeked open) and prayed that Cristy wouldn't laugh out loud. She didn't.

Tonight we went to Fr*sco's. If you live where I live and you haven't been there, do. It's a lovely little Italian pocket and the food was delicious. We celebrated our birthdays and they decorated our dessert plates with Happy Birthday chocolate sauce. I was wishing I would've had a camera so I could post a picture here. See how much I love you all? I even think of you while dining. Anyway, it was wonderful and, again, I am blessed to have those girls surround me. All three of them.

So I'll leave you to remember World AIDS Day today, December 1st. I'm not too late yet. And it's never really too late to remember.

"If we are to stop the AIDS epidemic from expanding, we have to break the cycle of new HIV infections. All of us working together -- government, communities and civil society -- can make the difference." Former South African President Nelson Mandela.

TGIF

So my actual birthday came and went but I’ve been assured “birthday treatment” through the weekend. I’m a very lucky girl. Thanks for the many birthday wishes. I was still reading them this morning and feeling so grateful to know you all.

I worked yesterday but Cristy came and took me to lunch. I was kind of bummed out – just missing Gracie and wishing I could share my day with her. I tried to hold it in but ended up burying myself in it for a while. When I got home last night, Cristy had made a beautiful dinner and I was able to just enjoy the end of my day. Crab, squash and sparkling wine – delish! Isn’t it pretty?





Later today I will attend the funeral of my old Senator when we lived where we lived before now. He was a wonderful man and I'm certain there will be tears. I didn't know him personally but he always had time for me when I was fighting Gracie's bill in the 2006 session. The first time I met him, he hugged me goodbye and I had this moment of "he's kind of like Charles Ingalls" - whom I loved dearly. Anyway, God bless Sen Mayne.


Luckily, I have some birthday money to spend so hopefully that will be part of our Saturday. That night we’re celebrating with our best girls (mine & E's birthdays) and I’m SO looking forward to that. Cristy and J get Vegas for their birthdays so we’ll see what they come up with for us. No pressure, girls.

Tomorrow I’ll be participating in a panel about the divide between Gays and Evangelical Christians after we all watch For the B*ble Tells Me So - again. I do love this movie but I think I've seen it three times this year... I’m a little torn about the discussion. I suppose most people there will have a negative feeling toward religion and Christianity and that always makes me a bit uncomfortable. I am no fan of religion but I can also see a clear separation between the two and, where I live, they just combine them and call it a day. I see it all the time. I think many of us feel like there isn’t a place for us in a church, especially if you’re looking for a bible based church. But maybe I’ll be a good voice for the ½ and ½. I think they're expecting me to be on the side of the “gay divide". But I took years of debate. I can argue both.


Anyway, I hope you all have some fun holiday plans this weekend. Shopping, decorating, treat making, card mailing…wow, I have a lot to do.

xo.

Birthday Eve

It's mine this time! Tomorrow morning, I will be thirty-seven years old! God all mighty - hold back the tears! Well, that's a bit dramatic but it does seem strange to be heading to forty.

Remember the day when you had your whole life planned? I was sure to be married at 23 and have three kids by the time I was finished being 26. Two girls and a boy. I think their names were something like "Chanda, Patricia & Christopher". Not pretty. I think they even had nicknames. Odd. They would be perfectly dressed at all times in their pinks and blues. I would have a house and a husband. (insert cough) I would be some kind of part-time movie star or talk show host - married to some kind of rock star. It was lovely. But all of the sudden I was finished being 26, realizing my life was kicking along and looking nowhere near what I thought it would be - in a good way.

That year I had been with my first girlfriend for about four years. We had started talking about having kids but (thank God) didn't do much more than talk about it. We had a house and a couple of dogs but it was one of those relationships where we were simply the only lesbians we knew so of course we should be a couple, right? Wrong. At 26, I knew I was on the wrong track.

A few years later, back on the track of beginning my life...I fell in love with the first rock star I found, got married, had a baby and thought I was living the dream. Wrong. Turns out, after watching a recent commercial she did, she knew she wasn't gay as soon as "God allowed her to be pregnant". A train wreck of mistakes and what ifs and life fell apart right before my eyes. You all know how that turned out.

Fast forward to now. This is my last day being 36. Ten years ago I was supposed to have everything I wanted but now, finally, I feel like I'm in my groove. I am exactly who I'd like to be and exactly where I fit and grow and heal and dream. I am loved wholly by the most wonderful person I've ever known and feel lucky every day for it. I have friends and family who I trust will always hold my heart and I plan and dream in a way I've never dared.

Here's to the rest of my life! Cheers!