Half a Whisper

I can't stop listening to the latest Indigo Girls cd. It's heartbreaking and healing and pulls up feelings in me that I can't seem to subside. The cd is called Despite Our Differences and I'm certain it will be buried with me, along with all their other cd's. Not "buried" like, underground. (because I've already denounced the very idea of being underground) But "buried" like, in my soul. I'm sure this is terribly typical of a lesbian but I truly love them. Every piece.

I am drowning, today, in Fly Away. If I listen to every word, I hate myself. If I block a few words out, it brings me peace.

For the birds of prey who wreck your nest
Twice your size
Steal your best
They set you on this course of your collision

I am a stop along your way
I am the words you'll never say
I crossed the great beyond of fear
opened my eyes and saw us there

What a view - You went there too

It's funny how words can do that - like whispers. If you only hear half a whisper, it won't have as much meaning. That's why I'm freakishly against sweet nothings. How do you really know the intent when you can't hear it clearly? Enough of that.

So, I've mentioned before that I work for a non-profit. We are an LGBT political advocacy group and, in our great state, it's a painful process. My world is always targeted because of the fear in someone else and this session is no different. Last year, there was a terrible bill and the only reason it was written was to take my daughter away. It looks like they'll try it again this year. It's hurtful and there's nothing that bothers me more than someone thinking I shouldn't be a mother, to her in particular. And it makes me so angry that I forget my original intentions. I forget that I just want to raise her and love her unconditionally. Instead, the activist in me comes out and I'm fighting to save every child from every bad guy and my lone cause is derailed into a larger battle that feels overwhelming and defeating.

Not today. Today, I'll fight myself to let go of the larger picture and remember that she is my reason - my every word - my every whisper.

We're house shopping...

I'm house shopping. Ya know, along with getting a new job, trying to get pregnant and going through nightmare after nightmare with my ex - I thought I'd use my last ounce of energy to find a new house to begin again.

It's a lovely process, really. My partner and I pick the neighborhoods we'd like to live in and drive around dreaming of how our cars would look in the driveway. (My favorite part is just resting my hand on her leg and sipping my favorite coffee but it's a job - keep your eye on the prize!) I forget, sometimes, that it's a Huge committment and if we're really going to buy a new house, it MUST be somewhere that we love more than where we live now! That is our problem.

Currently, we each own houses. Both were occupied by the families we came from before we got together. That makes things a bit difficult but only to ME! For some reason, I don't want to live in either of them. They both belong to prior relationships and I want to start new. We've been living in my house for the last couple of years or so. She loves it there. I do too but it makes me sad. My daughters room sits empty and I can't do a single thing to change it. I've tried but I simply can't. I owned the house before I met my ex-wife so it's not so much her but really, it still is. You know? She proposed in that house. We conceived our baby there. It's just all about them to me and it somehow gets me stuck in that "perfect" time. Even though they've been gone almost as long as they were there, it doesn't help. I've decided that time doesn't heal all wounds.

As for the other house, we rent it out. We could never live there because it's only 1000 sq ft and who can do that with a seven year old boy? :) And, ONE bathroom! Plus, it's her house with her ex and that ex doesn't seem to have very good boundaries. She's terribly friendly and likes us all being together and I'm afraid if we lived somewhere that she was that familiar with, she'd never leave! & she'd be giving me all kinds of advice on how to "green up the yard" and what kinds of crafty things to throw up all over the house! I just can't do it. I, I, I. Again, my partner is the most easy going girl in the history of my life. She's just happy wherever she is. I wish I were more like her.

So, we found a few houses that we'll be looking into this week. No more lallygagging. We're serious!! No more long drives, daydreaming about grandkids. We are in need of a HOME! A home that's just ours - no memories other than what we make ourselves!

Hopefully those memories will include oodles of babies!

God Bless Kodi

Let me start by saying I hate to only write when I'm complaining. I don't want someone to read my journal one day and say, "good God, she lived a hard life!" I think my life has been a trial of late (maybe the last three years)...but I really believe things will start to shine. So far this year...not so good.

Yesterday, we had to send our dog to heaven. I wasn't way sad because she was fifteen and very ready to go. But I'm very sad for my partner who had become extremely close to her once we got together. Losing a dog is such a hard thing. They seem so happy and they need you so much. To have them go away is such a loss to your heart and to your ego. God bless Kodi. We will always miss her here.

I'm still recovering from OHSS but doing much better. I'm walking, sitting, getting up by myself and I've even gone to work two days in a row. I swear, my sweet stepson thinks I have some kind of deadly disease. He spent the last four days here and every time he looked at me it even scared me. Poor guy. He told his other mom he was very worried about me. See? Sweet. And I did get a lot of extra attention from him - that's never a bad thing. :)

We're still on track to do the transfer in April or May. I'm feeling hopeful and, in the meantime, I have some time to lose some weight and focus on my daughter. Today, the Utah Court decided not to give my case over to Texas. That means nothing to you but a lot to me.

It's a good day.

I work for a non-profit and our focus is lgbt legislation and making positive change in our community. There's a bill on in loco parentis that was brought up today. If you were me, this would be very important. You see, back in 2004, I was found to stand in loco parentis to my daughter. It means that, while I'm not related to her by biology, marriage or adoption, I am her parent and that's what she's always known. Some crazy legislator is trying to make it so families like mine can't use the common law to protect themselves and their children. It's hurtful and I don't understand. There'll be a lot to talk about as the bill progresses so I'll just end this here.

Sweet dreams lady bug. I'll meet you there.

Four's the Magic Number

It's a Friday night and I'm officially supposed to be on bed rest. Ick. Who thought of such a thing? It turns out, I developed some crazy sickness called OHSS. Ovarian Hyper Stem Stimulation or something like that... We had our retrieval on Wednesday - a day early. My ovaries were about to burst through my skin and my doctor couldn't wait another moment.

They got a total of 13 eggs. Thirteen. That sounds impressive, really. They called yesterday to tell us only four of them fertilized. Four is a much smaller number than 13. And because of my illness, they couldn't do the transfer. I'm trying not to be a Negative Nancy but it's hard when I want it so bad. And now that I'm in terrible pain, I pray it's not for nothing.

The retrieval went well. I would recommend it, really. It was painless and not as scary as I had imagined. My doctor and all the nurses were wonderful and I'm so impressed with how well my beautiful partner did and how well they treated her. I'd do it again, I guess. Hopefully I won't have to.

I also got a letter from my daughter's GAL today. (Guardian Ad Litem - her attorney) She is recommending that I get there again this month and every month from now on for four days a month. Four seems to be my magic number, I suppose. I'm happy about it. I've learned not to believe it until I see it but I'm missing her so badly and wanting it to come true. It's always about wishes when it comes to her. I wish for weeks, sometimes months and eventually I get to her.

Back to eggs...so they froze them. All four of my little people. We named each of them and plan to sprinkle fairy dust each time we speak their names. :) Not really but it sounds like it may be helpful. We'll thaw them when my body is more healthy and hopefully start round two in April. April sounds like a nice time to get pregnant.

I'll keep wishing.

On My Ring Finger

Obviously, I've been thinking a LOT about being pregnant lately. With that comes memories of my daughter being conceived and carried and cared for. Those memories spark amazing gratitude and grace but also bits of sadness because I don't have a lot of tangable things like pictures and journals. My ex took those.

One memory that won't leave my mind of late is this: One night in May of 2001, we were laying in bed almost asleep. My partner was just a few months pregnant. My left arm lay across her middle, as usual. My fingers rested right on her belly. I remember the distinct feeling of a flutter on my ring finger. We both sat straight up, as if we saw a UFO. It was magic. At that point, my partner was the only person who had felt our daughter move. I got to be the second! There I was, feeling blessed to hold the belly that was holding my baby ... and she moved! Not only did she move, she moved against the finger that held my engagement ring! It was surely a sign! We talked about it for weeks until she started moving more regularly and we were able to feel her often. Not that "time" made it any less magical to feel her bump into my hand or move when she heard my voice - every time was miracle making and I relive the memories often.

My partner's pregnancy was full of trials. She took it all in stride but one day my daughter will know just how much she went through to bring her safely here. It's odd for me to talk about her in such a loving way but those times were nothing but loving. There are incredible memories of keeping the secret from our families for 8 weeks and from our friends for 12 weeks. & the surprise on their faces was really priceless. I remember writing poems about our experience and talking about sharing them with "him" as he grew into a loving man. Little did we know, SHE was a girl!! Everything in those days was a gift. The very thought of her coming into our lives felt like an intimate blessing between us. I'm not even certain how clearly I knew heaven until then.

Now, knowing what an amazing addition she is to my life, I long for another experience with another child. I look forward to experiencing a different kind of pregnancy with my new partner. Still as beautiful but, this time, I will be the one to feel that first flutter and I will keep her safe and warm through the months. Not any better than my daughters other mother, just my turn.

A Bit Ahead on the "Estrogen" Side of Things

Wow. What a day.

I woke up early today, feeling like my ovaries are the size of tennis balls....turns out, they are. I went in for an ultrasound and blood draw and found out that I'm ready to go and actually a bit ahead on the "estrogen" side of things. My level is at 8000. I think that's around 4000 too high. It heightens my level of getting OHSS - Ovarian Hyper Stim Syndrome - which basically means explosion of ovaries. That doesn't sound pretty, does it?

I had a feelings things might not be going so well. All weekend I felt heavy and tired and even feel like I'm breathing harder. My doctor had said before that I would probably be ready for retrieval by Friday. Now it's bumped up to Wednesday. That might not sound like a big deal but I think it is. I think our chances for having a successful first try with in-vitro are very slim.

I hate feeling negative. My doctor is amazing. I've done everything right. My partner has learned more than I ever thought possible. We're all on the right track; the same track. It's my body that's crazy. & if I didn't want to carry a baby so badly, I wouldn't be holding my breath like I am. I just do. I just really want that whole experience. I want a positive pregnancy test. I want to hold it in me like a secret. I want to wear a beautiful maternity sundress this summer. I want to keep my baby safe and warm and know that no one could do that like I could. I want to experience pregnancy with my partner. I want her to watch me grow and track every little thing. I know how much she wants that.

I'll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed. I pray that retrieval will go smoothly and that we'll be able to do a fresh transfer. If not, my second prayer is that we can do a thawed/frozen transfer in just a couple of months &, of course, ultimately get pregnant.

Paranoid? What says you?

I'm paranoid. Not in general but often enough to have anxiety about certain people/places.

This morning I have to go to our annual planning meeting for work. It'll be our staff of 3 and then our entire Board of Directors and Executive Committee. I'm not giving a speech or demonstrating my new skills...nope - just attending and wondering what they'll think of me.

I've only been at my job a few months. Almost four, actually. And before that, I volunteered there as often as I could. But because my life has been on display, people are curious. They'll see me and ask questions like, "how's your daughter?" & "have you heard from court?" The answers are always the same and I think, in the back of their minds, they're really saying, "you don't see her hardly ever" & "you must be terribly afraid of the upcoming ruling". Paranoid. Even as I write this I'm thinking I shouldn't even be putting this out there.

These people are sort of the grandfathers of my community. Many of them lawyers who know my life inside and out. Many of them have paved the way for me to continue with my battle. I respect them very much. So much, in fact, that I wonder if they really think I'm a benefit or a loss. It doesn't make sense because there's such a story behind it. If you're a stranger to me, you must think I'm terribly strange by now. Either way, I'm going the meeting. I'm leaving now. Bloated. Carrying a million extra pounds of water. Hormonal. Tired.

Okay, maybe I'm not paranoid.

So, I'm Loaded

Have I mentioned lately how wonderful my partner is? I know I said I would be more bitchy as my medications grew but all I really feel is more admiration and love for her. My hope is to actually have a pregnancy and then I'm sure the bitchy'ness will flow like crazy. But, for now, I see this beautiful, wonderful, amazing soul that brings me so much joy!

Every morning since we started this journey of in-vitro, she takes all the responsibility of getting the shots ready and then stands there with me as I cringe or yelp or even cry. & then she thanks me for doing it. Believe me, I do think I deserve thanks but how many people would really take the time to say thank you? She tells me I'm brave but I know how hard it is for her to watch me hurt. The bravery is spread amongst us and I'm really proud of how we're both dealing with it.

One little problem...all my life, well all of my years of thinking about babies, I've wanted to name a daughter Glory. I know it may sound strange but it goes with my other daughters name and it's beautiful and the definition could not be more meaningful. I don't like Gloria or Glo. But I LOVE Glory. My sweet, caring, kind partner doesn't have quite the same level of love around it. I'm willing to compromise - which isn't really like me but she's been so wonderful, remember? I also like the name Greta and she does as well. My problem is...how to you shorten Greta? It seems that names that end with an "eeee" sound don't really need to be shortened so what do you do with Greta? Okay, I'm using far too much energy around this. I suppose we could have a boy. A boy. We also have a boy name but ... well, I won't complain. Remember, I'm not bitchy.

So I'm loaded with meds. My ovaries feel like they're going to fall out of me. I'm certain they're the size of tennis balls and I still have another week to grow them. By the end of next week, we'll have "retrieval"! It sounds painful but it will be a telling moment of just how well I've done. If the results are good, then five days after that they'll make me pregnant. & two weeks after that, I'll either be screaming from rooftops or crying from underneath the covers. Let's hope for rooftops!!

God, please oh please make us a baby. A girl named Greta. A boy, maybe Griffin. Both would be beautiful - a 'two for one' deal and we're all about that!

Happy New Year!

Well, here we are, another year gone by.

Someone from CNN asked me if 2006 was a good year for me. I voted yes. So did 76% of the rest. It's true. I think the year, as a whole, was good. My family is healthy. We still have a roof over our heads. We have everything we need and more. The world is only 1/2 coming apart and global warming is finally getting some attention. While things could be better, I think we're all hanging in there rather well.

I made a resolution. Time. I want to be better at time. I want to be better with time. I want to appreciate my time more. I want to arrive on time. I want to manage my time better. That's my goal. I announced this to my partner and I'm guessing she internally rolled her eyes but I'm really going to do it. I mean, why not? I'm not in a position to lose 20 pounds. It's the opposite actually. I'd like to be pregnant the whole year of 2007 and gain another 20! That's more of a goal... & I'm not in a position to say I'll be more patient because Lord knows I'm tired of waiting for anything these days. I'd rather just do something I know I can do but still have to work hard for.

Last year I spent New Years Eve with my daughter. Texas does amazing things during holidays. They have firework stands like I've never seen. We bought bags full and spent the whole night charming her with fountains and giant "up to the sky" fireworks. They used to be my favorite things. I even got married on the 4th of July just so I'd have fireworks at all my anniversaries. Unfortunately, I only had a couple before it fell apart. Now fireworks remind me of that night, last year. I can see a beautiful little four year old - eyes wide open - cheering for every one to last longer and get bigger and go farther. She is the magic of fireworks to me. She brings magic to everything.

Happy New Year baby! I hope your night was filled with amazing lights in the sky and frilly horns and dancing feet! May 2007 bring us peace & happiness.