Paranoid? What says you?

I'm paranoid. Not in general but often enough to have anxiety about certain people/places.

This morning I have to go to our annual planning meeting for work. It'll be our staff of 3 and then our entire Board of Directors and Executive Committee. I'm not giving a speech or demonstrating my new skills...nope - just attending and wondering what they'll think of me.

I've only been at my job a few months. Almost four, actually. And before that, I volunteered there as often as I could. But because my life has been on display, people are curious. They'll see me and ask questions like, "how's your daughter?" & "have you heard from court?" The answers are always the same and I think, in the back of their minds, they're really saying, "you don't see her hardly ever" & "you must be terribly afraid of the upcoming ruling". Paranoid. Even as I write this I'm thinking I shouldn't even be putting this out there.

These people are sort of the grandfathers of my community. Many of them lawyers who know my life inside and out. Many of them have paved the way for me to continue with my battle. I respect them very much. So much, in fact, that I wonder if they really think I'm a benefit or a loss. It doesn't make sense because there's such a story behind it. If you're a stranger to me, you must think I'm terribly strange by now. Either way, I'm going the meeting. I'm leaving now. Bloated. Carrying a million extra pounds of water. Hormonal. Tired.

Okay, maybe I'm not paranoid.