Tuesday, January 9, 2007

On My Ring Finger

Obviously, I've been thinking a LOT about being pregnant lately. With that comes memories of my daughter being conceived and carried and cared for. Those memories spark amazing gratitude and grace but also bits of sadness because I don't have a lot of tangable things like pictures and journals. My ex took those.

One memory that won't leave my mind of late is this: One night in May of 2001, we were laying in bed almost asleep. My partner was just a few months pregnant. My left arm lay across her middle, as usual. My fingers rested right on her belly. I remember the distinct feeling of a flutter on my ring finger. We both sat straight up, as if we saw a UFO. It was magic. At that point, my partner was the only person who had felt our daughter move. I got to be the second! There I was, feeling blessed to hold the belly that was holding my baby ... and she moved! Not only did she move, she moved against the finger that held my engagement ring! It was surely a sign! We talked about it for weeks until she started moving more regularly and we were able to feel her often. Not that "time" made it any less magical to feel her bump into my hand or move when she heard my voice - every time was miracle making and I relive the memories often.

My partner's pregnancy was full of trials. She took it all in stride but one day my daughter will know just how much she went through to bring her safely here. It's odd for me to talk about her in such a loving way but those times were nothing but loving. There are incredible memories of keeping the secret from our families for 8 weeks and from our friends for 12 weeks. & the surprise on their faces was really priceless. I remember writing poems about our experience and talking about sharing them with "him" as he grew into a loving man. Little did we know, SHE was a girl!! Everything in those days was a gift. The very thought of her coming into our lives felt like an intimate blessing between us. I'm not even certain how clearly I knew heaven until then.

Now, knowing what an amazing addition she is to my life, I long for another experience with another child. I look forward to experiencing a different kind of pregnancy with my new partner. Still as beautiful but, this time, I will be the one to feel that first flutter and I will keep her safe and warm through the months. Not any better than my daughters other mother, just my turn.