Friday, January 26, 2007

Half a Whisper

I can't stop listening to the latest Indigo Girls cd. It's heartbreaking and healing and pulls up feelings in me that I can't seem to subside. The cd is called Despite Our Differences and I'm certain it will be buried with me, along with all their other cd's. Not "buried" like, underground. (because I've already denounced the very idea of being underground) But "buried" like, in my soul. I'm sure this is terribly typical of a lesbian but I truly love them. Every piece.

I am drowning, today, in Fly Away. If I listen to every word, I hate myself. If I block a few words out, it brings me peace.

For the birds of prey who wreck your nest
Twice your size
Steal your best
They set you on this course of your collision

I am a stop along your way
I am the words you'll never say
I crossed the great beyond of fear
opened my eyes and saw us there

What a view - You went there too

It's funny how words can do that - like whispers. If you only hear half a whisper, it won't have as much meaning. That's why I'm freakishly against sweet nothings. How do you really know the intent when you can't hear it clearly? Enough of that.

So, I've mentioned before that I work for a non-profit. We are an LGBT political advocacy group and, in our great state, it's a painful process. My world is always targeted because of the fear in someone else and this session is no different. Last year, there was a terrible bill and the only reason it was written was to take my daughter away. It looks like they'll try it again this year. It's hurtful and there's nothing that bothers me more than someone thinking I shouldn't be a mother, to her in particular. And it makes me so angry that I forget my original intentions. I forget that I just want to raise her and love her unconditionally. Instead, the activist in me comes out and I'm fighting to save every child from every bad guy and my lone cause is derailed into a larger battle that feels overwhelming and defeating.

Not today. Today, I'll fight myself to let go of the larger picture and remember that she is my reason - my every word - my every whisper.