Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Back In the Saddle!

So we're back on track and talkin' about babies!

We've thought and thought and I've spent a few weeks pouting and the time has come to jump back on the wagon. Last night, we were driving home from the movie and Cristy said, "I think we should try one more time." And that was it. Decision made. No more talking about adoption and the risk of that. We're jumping back into IVF.

I think I've been waiting for her to make the decision. On so many levels, what she says matters most. We all know what kind of cost it is. We all know the risk after OHS. Trying one more time means possibly spending way more money than we have and get nothing. It also means I'll most likely get very sick. But after weighing the odds, what matters is that we try as hard as we can and we don't feel like we've done that yet.

I obviously have issues with biology. You know, I never thought I would say that it mattered to me. It never did before. I'm certain, with all of my heart, that I couldn't love Gracie more if she came from my body. I know that. But now, after going through losing her because of that, I don't want to worry about it. I don't want it held over me. I don't want to have to think about it - ever. It's not about love. I know, no matter how our next child comes to us, we will love him/her as much as humanly possible. I just don't want to worry. I don't want the risk.

I spent a while thinking about it today, knowing it will be hard to step back into. & I imagined again, Gracie being a big sister and Yeager being a big brother. Nothing makes me happier when I'm falling asleep as imagining Gray holding her baby sister. Only in my dreams. So we're looking into new clinics, some close and some far away. I'm ready - we're ready!

Baby, here we come!!