Tonight I witnessed magic.

Cristy and I were blessed to see Josh Grob*n in concert tonight. I was pretty excited about it - especially with work being so crazy - but I had no idea how magical it would be.

Most of what he sang I didn't know. Most of it I couldn't even understand because it was in some beautiful language far more beautiful than the one I know. But every song was beautiful and tragic or beautiful and lovely and there were even a couple that took my breath away. So, thank you, Brandon & Kaylynn - again and again.

I knew, going in, it would be emotional. "Raise Me Up" used to remind me of Jesus. And then Cristy. But has since come to remind me of Gracie - as does everything these days. It was the theme song to the Shamu show last summer and I think we sat through it about 30 times. She loved it. He also sang a song called Not While I'm Around and I swear to God, that is one of only three sangs we sang to Gray as a baby. In the womb and out. It was a sign - a sign that I miss her.

I sat there and thought about our last weekend together - how it rained so hard and we all splashed our way through Sea World and she purposely stepped in every puddle. We laughed so hard that day - soaked to the bone. Cheryl and I started talking about our wedding and I remember Gracie saying to me, "you married a daddy?" So confused that I had been married. And I said to her, "no honey, I married mommy." We were all crying right then for some other reason but I remember feeling like things were going to be okay. We left there and went home to dry. She fell asleep in my arms that night.

And the next day was Christmas Eve. We opened presents because I knew I would be leaving that night. She wanted to get ready for church all day just so she could wear her new dress but service wasn't until that night, after my plane left, so we made her wait. But when it was time I got her bathed and dressed and she looked and felt like the princess she is. And we danced.

They took me back to my hotel on their way to church. I walked away from that car thinking I would be right back. Gracie asked her mom to promise her that "next time" we'd play & swim at my house. Pinky promise and everything. I walked away not knowing it would be the last time I'd see her as a child - as a little princess.

She promised to call me the next night - Christmas. I had the phone in my hand all day. At dinner I sat against the wall at my mom's house and when it rang, I missed it by one ring. One fucking ring. & that was it. That was the last time she dialed my number.

I miss her so much, sometimes I panic. If I could touch her hand and tell her simply that I'm right here and that I'll always be right here - I would have peace. Just a little. But not tonight. Because it's all unfair and she deserves more than this. She deserves the truth or even just an answer.


Nothing's gonna harm you
Not while I'm around
Nothing's gonna harm you
No sir, not while I'm around

Demons are prowling everywhere
Nowadays
I'll send 'em howling I don't care
I got ways

No one's gonna hurt you
No one's gonna dare
Others can desert you
Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there

Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while
But in time, nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around

Being close and being clever, ain't like being true
I don't need to - I would never hide a thing from you
Like some

No one's gonna hurt you
No one's gonna dare
Others can desert you
Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there
Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while
But in time, nothin' can harm you

Not while I'm around.


Sleep tight angel.