President Hinckley 1910-2008

You had to know I would blog about this.

Last night, I was quietly watching Extr*me Home Mak*over when the news chimed in to tell me that "the prophet of the Morm*n church died at 7pm." I realized that at 7pm, I was sitting in the very room he was born. Maybe he even stopped by on his way...up.

Now I'm not a Morm*n but I definitely have respect for any man that serves human kind the way he did. Plus, I believe he was married to his wife for 67 years and nothing impresses me more than that. She died a few years back and that was the first thing I thought of when I heard the news of his passing - that he would join her.

If you've been reading here a while, you know that I live in the home where he was born. Our house was born in 1896. He was born 14 years later. And I found out earlier today that his wife was born in the home across the street. Crazy!

We've had news media hanging around here all afternoon. One report showed a reporter asking a neighbor how long our home had been purple. - longer than we've been here, I assure you. He came through our house a few years ago and they recorded him walking from room to room telling stories.

Yeager thinks it's kind of cool that he lived here. He cheered extra loud at a parade last summer. I think there are other's in Cristy's family who think of us living here as sinful. It's kind of strange that it went from Mormon to Jewish to So Very Gay. Full circle, right? Kidding.

So, 97 years later, he left his religion about a zillion people bigger than before he started. And while we haven't benefited from the religion, at least we got the house, right? God bless Pres Hinckley & God bless the Hinckley Plantation.

I think I want a copy of that video. You know, just to have.

Weekend In Paradise

...and pictures to prove it. :)

We left the madness of the city for a couple of quiet days in the moutains. My brother and his kids joined us and we all met up at our family cabin for some R&R and spoiling from grandma and grandpa.

This is our new family toy.

Here are some pictures of us all sledding down the driveway.

Cute Yeager. Could he really be happier?

And here are some pictures of everyone sledding ALL the way down the mountain. We followed them on the Ranger and Snow Mobile to make sure cars weren't coming. They literally rode their sleighs 35 minutes - one solid ride. Amazing.

My brother on the luge run.

Little seven year old, Salomon. He's a dare devil.

The whole gang ending at the bottom of the road. The sun went down on our second trip. Very chilly.

This is the lake that is now covered in 8 inches of ice. There were people fishing on it all day. Not me - not in that wind.

This is the view up the hill. No one ever visits that little cabin. What a waste.

And here are some random pictures of us.

And this is all of us but Cristy, the photographer.

It's a compliment, right?

One of my favorite co-workers (& there are many) said something interesting to me tonight. We threw a rally at the Capitol to support Workplace Fairness. I had sent him a text to tell him he was magic (because he really is) and when he called me to say thank you, he also said, "you are a dream with the life history of a nightmare". I was kind of stunned because it was such a thoughtful, genuine thing to say but also because he acknowledged a part of my life that keeps me motivated on nights like tonight.

I came home after the rally with thoughts of the rally we're about the throw on behalf of the adoption bill. Truth be told, that is where my passion is. This isn't a secret. Protecting children from what happened to mine is almost haunting for me. I think I have selfishly taken it on - knowing it makes me feel like I'm still fighting for her.

Some days, like yesterday, are so hard that it doesn't feel possible to really do enough. (btw, thank you for all of your thoughts) And then there are days like today when I watch my community stand up for their families through radio interviews, op-eds and rallies. It's inspiring and it feels like they want it as much as I do. Maybe the reason is different. Maybe my reason is so I can tell her I kept fighting until we won. But we're still in the same game and on the same side. And although my history has proved to be a "nightmare", on this night I receive a call to say that our largest paper has taken support of our bill. - acknowledging the nightmare of my past and the dream of my future.

***

Outdated law: Utah should allow same-sex couples to adopt

Utah's law banning adoptions by gay and lesbian couples and unmarried straight couples was a deplorable codification of bigotry in 2000 when it was passed. That hasn't changed.

But after eight years the law has become an illogical anachronism, considering the results of new studies, and it should be changed. The number of same-sex couples who are raising children increased by a third from 2000 to 2005, and the body of research showing that children raised by homosexual couples have no more problems than those from homes with a mother and a father has also grown.

Rep. Rebecca Chavez-Houck, D-Salt Lake City, is carrying the banner for equality during the current session of the Legislature in the form of House Bill 318, which would lift the adoption restrictions, while stating that the Legislature prefers that a child be adopted by a parent or parents who are legally married.

Winning passage for the bill will be an uphill struggle against conservative forces, but it is a battle worth fighting, for the sake of children who need permanent homes with people who are their legal parents.

The Williams Institute based at the University of California Los Angeles estimates there are 53,832 gay, lesbian or bisexual Utah residents. Among them, there were 4,307 same-sex couples, up nearly 1,000 from 2000.

Nineteen percent of those couples are parents, raising a total of about 1,226 children. They may be the biological offspring of one spouse. Robbing the other parent of the ability to legally adopt the child leaves that parent on shaky legal ground when it comes to daily parenting duties - doctor visits, talking with teachers, signing documents - and in the event the couple were to split up.

In other cases, these couples simply want to give a good home to children, sometimes needy children who have been in foster care.

Growing up with two lesbian mothers or two gay fathers may require some explanation, but evidence shows such children are at no more risk than those from traditional homes. The American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics have all stated their support for same-sex couples adopting.

Only two other states - Florida and Mississippi - block homosexual couples from adopting. It's time Utah joined the majority that allow it.

***

Amen.

The Hands that Held Her

I had an appointment today. You know, that awful 'once a year' appointment you have with your OBGYN. I dreaded it on many levels but the biggest was that I haven't seen her in a very long time.

The last time I saw her she was sitting in a courtroom testifying on behalf of me & Gracie. It was 2004. She was testifying to the fact that "yes, they did have the child together" and "yes, Keri was there when Gracie was conceived and at every pre-natal appointment and at her birth and so on".

It was humiliating for me to ask all these people to "vouch for me" for something that was so intricate in my every day life. But my ex had told the court that I was nothing more than a roommate. -that she boarded a room in my house and that sometimes I would "babysit". The reality of it was more than I would wish on anyone. Each person who spoke for me, including our doctor and Gray's pediatrician, made an impact in my ruling which resulted in the next 2 years I was able to spend with my daughter.

But back to today.

I walked in and the nurse took me back to the room to get all naked and nervous. I realized immediately that I was in the same room that Gracie was conceived. Up came the tears. I remember every moment - every moment. It was the third try - and it was a charm!

I sat and waited for about 5 minutes. I saw her when I walked in so she knew I was there. I wondered if she was uncomfortable. I mean, it has been four years! I had her refer me to a specialist the year after my hearings so I literally have never talked to her since that day in court.

She came in and knew I was nervous. She immediately sat by me and held my hands. My first thought was that 'those were the hands that first held my daughter'. She held her as she entered this world and then she turned to me and lay her in my hands - like a gift. Those hands that held mine today...those hands... I broke down and started crying.

She said she had kept up on my battle through the media and through common patients. She knew how it ended and I didn't have to explain anything. I couldn't if I tried.

It's amazing how long it's been and how much it still hurts. When I think of her and how close she once felt to me, I crave knowing what she would feel like today. - what the weight of her would feel like laying on my chest. -what her hands would feel like inside mine.

I miss her. I always will.

Happy MLK Day

"Now is the time to make justice a reality for all God's children."
-Martin Luther King, Jr
Address at March on Washington August 1963

We're still working on it.

Today was the first day of the Ut*h Legislative Session. It only lasts 45 days but only people that don't live and breath for those 45 would say it only lasts 45 days. It's plenty long for this old girl. :) 45 days of anxiety, hope, headaches, hunger, pride, etc. I love every minute of it.

As I said before, we've decided to change the laws around here. Our adoption laws suck and I blame every inch of them - as well as a few others - for taking my daughter away. I am passionate about it. I would give anything to be able to tell Gracie that even though I lost her when she was only 5, eventually all children were safe from the kind of hurt that happened to her. I didn't sit still. I kept fighting.

We're looking for letters from people that support the bill. -local people who think that every child should be given the rights and security that comes from having two parents. When writing my own, I decided to demand Cristy to move us away. I go through this every few months. And it's not because I don't want to live here. I love it here. I love the seasons, my family, my city, my Mayor, my many fellow lesbian families :) but I need new laws! A girl needs some heavy muscles for protection after a year like last year.

She'll say yes. Then I'll say no. :) That's how it always goes. Because I don't really want to leave. I really want to stay here and raise a family with my favorite girl in our favorite house with our favorite dog. And while we're at it, I want to 'make justice a reality for all of God's children' - then I'll never have to make empty threats again.

Keri vs Britney

I went to the grocery store today. You know what that means, right? Yes, that I got to read all about Britn*y Spe*rs buying a pregnancy test with her latest boyfriend. Splashed across the cover were things like, "She's having another one!" & "A little sister for ? & ?" Whatever. I'm still bitter.

But then I thought about her and (because we all know her so very well) I realized I would rather slit my wrists than have her life. I'm not sympathizing - just saying she's made a nightmare out of what should have been a very creative, active, giving, happy life. And I want more than that.

Sure, I'd like the money she has. I could buy a lot of beautiful things for countless beautiful people. I'd also like the body she has. But she'll be thirty-seven one day and all "that" won't sit so high. I might like the attention for a while - maybe. But I have a lot that she doesn't have. You too, right?

I have family that doesn't call Dr Phil when I throw a tantrum. I have a partner who adores me and it's not because I let her ride my coattails and make some Gawd awful rap album. Cristy? Rap? And I have an amazing job where I'm encouraged and supported and guided through the good days and bad. (we even throw in a few dance moves every now and then too.)

So even though she can get pregnant on a whim - she's got nothin' on me. OR you.

Pitty Me

So a while ago I announced that I was on cd1. ...a Way Long While Ago. I believe my full cycle was about 38 days and now I'm feeling like a dud. We rushed into tracking and I think I actually ovulated much later than I originally thought and now I feel cursed with waiting six weeks to see what happens this time. Yuck. I am currently bothered that I'm a girl and that I must deal with a flunker of a reproductive system.

About 1/2 way through, I started having terrible pain - almost constant pain. I felt like my ovaries were growing like during the old OHSS days. And maybe they were. But why? I have asked "why" a thousand times this cycle... but here I am on cd2 and tracking every move I make. I will most certainly have it down by the end of February. Oh God...February. And in the meantime, back to the doctor so she can tell me that nothing is wrong and that it's certain to happen any time now. (minus the fact that we haven't agreed to do an insem...)

The big plan is to do another round of IVF in March or April but those months feel like years from now. We might get a little tricky in the meantime but can I tell you how tired I am of waiting for this baby to get here? I mean, I put it out there years ago. I admit I got tired of trying and took a long break. Was it too long? Am I too old? Was I always too old?

I'm back now. A changed life later and still waiting. I'm getting less picky by the minute. I no longer plan insems around the month I'd like to give birth. I don't care about the gender of my child(ren). I haven't even looked at the donor stats in months because I don't care if he's brown or green or if his eyes are blue or gold. Well, I care because this child will be my green skinned, gold eyed wonder but you know what I mean. This girl is not picky. But she's sad. And she's scared that the dream of it all is feeling farther and farther away.

"Jupiter" far.