Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Pitty Me

So a while ago I announced that I was on cd1. ...a Way Long While Ago. I believe my full cycle was about 38 days and now I'm feeling like a dud. We rushed into tracking and I think I actually ovulated much later than I originally thought and now I feel cursed with waiting six weeks to see what happens this time. Yuck. I am currently bothered that I'm a girl and that I must deal with a flunker of a reproductive system.

About 1/2 way through, I started having terrible pain - almost constant pain. I felt like my ovaries were growing like during the old OHSS days. And maybe they were. But why? I have asked "why" a thousand times this cycle... but here I am on cd2 and tracking every move I make. I will most certainly have it down by the end of February. Oh God...February. And in the meantime, back to the doctor so she can tell me that nothing is wrong and that it's certain to happen any time now. (minus the fact that we haven't agreed to do an insem...)

The big plan is to do another round of IVF in March or April but those months feel like years from now. We might get a little tricky in the meantime but can I tell you how tired I am of waiting for this baby to get here? I mean, I put it out there years ago. I admit I got tired of trying and took a long break. Was it too long? Am I too old? Was I always too old?

I'm back now. A changed life later and still waiting. I'm getting less picky by the minute. I no longer plan insems around the month I'd like to give birth. I don't care about the gender of my child(ren). I haven't even looked at the donor stats in months because I don't care if he's brown or green or if his eyes are blue or gold. Well, I care because this child will be my green skinned, gold eyed wonder but you know what I mean. This girl is not picky. But she's sad. And she's scared that the dream of it all is feeling farther and farther away.

"Jupiter" far.