Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Hands that Held Her

I had an appointment today. You know, that awful 'once a year' appointment you have with your OBGYN. I dreaded it on many levels but the biggest was that I haven't seen her in a very long time.

The last time I saw her she was sitting in a courtroom testifying on behalf of me & Gracie. It was 2004. She was testifying to the fact that "yes, they did have the child together" and "yes, Keri was there when Gracie was conceived and at every pre-natal appointment and at her birth and so on".

It was humiliating for me to ask all these people to "vouch for me" for something that was so intricate in my every day life. But my ex had told the court that I was nothing more than a roommate. -that she boarded a room in my house and that sometimes I would "babysit". The reality of it was more than I would wish on anyone. Each person who spoke for me, including our doctor and Gray's pediatrician, made an impact in my ruling which resulted in the next 2 years I was able to spend with my daughter.

But back to today.

I walked in and the nurse took me back to the room to get all naked and nervous. I realized immediately that I was in the same room that Gracie was conceived. Up came the tears. I remember every moment - every moment. It was the third try - and it was a charm!

I sat and waited for about 5 minutes. I saw her when I walked in so she knew I was there. I wondered if she was uncomfortable. I mean, it has been four years! I had her refer me to a specialist the year after my hearings so I literally have never talked to her since that day in court.

She came in and knew I was nervous. She immediately sat by me and held my hands. My first thought was that 'those were the hands that first held my daughter'. She held her as she entered this world and then she turned to me and lay her in my hands - like a gift. Those hands that held mine today...those hands... I broke down and started crying.

She said she had kept up on my battle through the media and through common patients. She knew how it ended and I didn't have to explain anything. I couldn't if I tried.

It's amazing how long it's been and how much it still hurts. When I think of her and how close she once felt to me, I crave knowing what she would feel like today. - what the weight of her would feel like laying on my chest. -what her hands would feel like inside mine.

I miss her. I always will.