And I'm Free In You

Got no worries in my mind
I know what to do
That's to treat you right
And love you kind
Thank you ever on my mind
Love is just like breathing
When it's true

We're packed & ready to head out for a quick trip to beautiful Southern Utah. It will be 70 degrees when we get there and I have on my coziest capries in honor of all those degrees!

All 70 of them!

I'll have hours and hours in the car with my best girl. I'll have my hand on her knee and my feet will be tapping out the window to all the music I've planned. I'll paint my toes so the truckers won't be horrified by the "winter" toes I have right now.

& if a certain someone reads this and has fear that I'm coming to look for her, I am. But I won't be a bother. I'm just looking for a little peace in my heart and this trip will certainly make me feel closer to what feels the farthest away.

I don't know where it all begins
And I don't know where it all will end
Better off for - all that we let in.

I wish you all a sunny weekend. & I suppose those of you on the East Coast will have to hit a tanning salon for that kind of thing. But I'll be thinking of you and sharing red rock when I get home.

Hey, Jude! I've been Tagged!

Maybe you've all seen this by now but I just got this from a friend last week. I mimic it all the time & can't get it outa my head. Just watch.

I love this child. And he makes me think of the wild and crazy girl I'll have one day - except she'll be head to toe in tie-die and then add dreadlocks when she's sixteen. I laugh at her already.



Super cute, huh? & you can't stop watching it or passing it around. I know...

So I was tagged by Mrs Bluemont for a fun little game.

Rules:
1. Grab the nearest book of 123 pages or more.
2. Open it to page 123.
3. Find the first 5 sentences and write them down.
4. Then invite 5 friends to do the same.

I was given "The Nanny Diaries" by a friend & have started it about six times. I do like it very much. But she has such a unique, catty way of writing that I make myself start over each time I pick it up. I'll finish it E, I promise. & I've promised myself that I'll finish before I go out and rent the movie. :)

Anyway, page 123...

"Dad, you really should come out - it's not so bad. That writer guy is here, the one from China. And he's not even wearing a tie - you could hang out with him."
He takes off his glasses. "I'd rather spend time with my daughter.

I tag... Baby Mama Drama, Turtle & Butterfly, Our Life, Raz-ma-taz & Jbeeky.

3/4 Sleeves

It's raining. That means that spring is coming. In honor of the "coming" part, I'm wearing a pink shirt without long sleeves! Wha-hoo! I just love the time of year when people start showing skin!


Speaking of showing skin, how 'bout that LWord last night? I mean, there wasn't much skin but still - what a great episode. I'm always about 2 minutes away from 'never watching it again' but last night seemed to redeem it for me. I heart Tasha & Alice so I'm certain it's my favorite episode so far this year. I don't want to give too much away but I will say that it ends with many overdue kisses!

We had a great weekend. I was heavily considering a sick day today to extend it but I figured I'd had enough rest. Or maybe I was worried my medication would kick back in and I'd be a raging lunatic like I was Sunday morning. I don't think C would be able to so easily tell Anyone that she hasn't noticed my meds yet. Nope. I put an end to all that "she hasn't changed at all" conversation.

Before the rage of Sunday, we had a wonderful gathering with so many of YOU! One of the Utah bloggers hosted a lovely little gig to welcome Holly. It was so great to meet her in person and also see so many others that we rarely see. There were truckloads of babies - like a mormon reception center - but these ones were well dressed and & stinckin' cute! (that's the clomid talking) I figure if I needed to rub elbows with some fertile women, I was in the right place. SO, thanks to these girls for hosting. I loved every minute of it. Yeager too!


As for the Oscars...I don't have much to add. My favorite part was having Freeheld win the short documentary. It's beautiful and if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. I also loved John Stewart and didn't love Cameron Diaz. Why was she there? Anyway, unfortunately I haven't seen very many of the movies. I ended up just voting for the best dress. & even then, there weren't that many that were worth wishing for...


Hopefully you're all having a great Monday. We're about a week away from our insem so wish C luck over the next few days. How long will I feel crazy? I think I'm actually feeling a bit more normal today...or is that my manic mind doing tricks on me. :)

Day Four...

Okay, I'm thinking this Clomid is kicking my ass. This cry baby that has taken me over is just not me! I mean, I'm usually the first to cry at a commercial or episode of Little House but I can typically control myself until the room is clear. Let me think....it hit yesterday around 2pm. I think I've had tears behind my eyeballs and that hard swallow in my throat since then.

I had a work function last night and when I walked in, a co-worker asked me to come sit down by him. You'd think I could've just sat down like a normal person but I thought I'd throw in a little bonus for him and cry my eyes out. Why, you ask? No real reason. Everything just hits a little harder when I'm medicated. This med seems to bring out the worst reaction. My dosage is only 100 so it could actually be worse! Oh God, please bring courage to those that surround me...

So far Cristy has deemed me a Saint(ress). She never admits when I'm "too much". Maybe she'd tell some of you but she'll lie to me until I demanded differently. I guess that makes her the Saint! :)

Getting home last night, I decided to check in here & also visit some of you. I found you all responding to my last post and noticed that, once again, we had an intruder. I won't talk much about it but I will say that any of you who come here to complain or listen to me complain about ttc or any old thing, are welcome. The comments that were left were deleted and not just because they hurt me but because I don't want any of us to have to read words that make the battle feel like it's our fault. I could ask this woman to go away but we all know that will just egg her on. Anyway, thanks to b & googie for putting up your dukes! I love you both to bits!

My dukes are up too. Beware. This girl is medicated.

Am I Still Ticking?

It's Tuesday. I need a vacation. Or a nap.

The last week has filled me with a rush of emotions. The rally was amazing and exhausting. By Valentine's, I was a big puddle of mush. Cristy made me a fabulous crab dinner and I think I was snoring by 8:30. I tried to make it up to her the next night but honestly, I spent the whole weekend T.I.R.E.D.

I appreciate all the love around the anniversary of Gracie's ruling. It still seems strange that that much time has gone by. And I do take pride in the fact that I'm still breathing and fighting and waiting. Getting through that day felt healing.

I realized with all the hustle of last week, I never updated you all on our baby making process. As you may have guessed, it wasn't successful. Truth be told, I was so completely busy that I barely thought of it. Seriously. I didn't test and Cristy actually had to remind me of my dpo. I knew I had missed my window. I never felt confident but I would've been more mad at myself if we didn't at least try.

So. Another try has begun. I started Clomid yesterday and I'm bound & determined to get the timing right. If it doesn't work, we are ready for another round of IVF. It feels good to have a plan - to know what's next.

So far, the meds have been good to me. Many years ago I spent too much time on them with too high a dosage. I was a mess. But my second day has not lead to any deaths or lost friends. That's all I can hope for, right?

Really, I'm praying hard for this time. Really hard. In fact, I could use a few of yours too.

One Year Ago

One year ago I hadn't slept in two days.
One year ago, the ruling came.
Not the one I had hoped for, but the one that I had feared for 3 1/2 years.

One year ago this very day.

I'll never forget a thousand things from that morning...
The look on my attorney's face when she held the answer that would change my life.
The disbelief in Cristy's voice after having such certainty justice would prevail.
The pounding of my heart when I knew in an instant that the last time was really the last time.

I thought of her, knowing she had no idea what just happened to us. What would she be told? Where did I go? How will she know that I love her if I'm not there to tell her and show her? Why didn't I prepare her? Why did I promise her I would be back?

I remember asking a friend if I was still a mother. How could I be a mother if they took away my only child? I ached just breathing. I cried so hard my ears bled. I cried harder that day than I ever have. I remember just knowing that I couldn't live through it. That, at some point, I would simply stop breathing.

***

Last night, I sat across a table from Cristy. We were holding hands and I realized that today would mark that awful day. And I'm still breathing. Sometimes barely. Last Saturday was the worst day I've had in a while but those days come less often than they used to. I still miss her with every breath but to channel it somewhere where I can still fight for her has been a blessing.

I still think about the time we had together - singing, shopping, hugging, laughing, twirling. The last time I saw her, her hair was cut in a dutch-boy style. She was five year, two months and twenty days old. She loved velvet and barbies and tippies and Mr Tumnus.

I remember everything. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll start forgetting things like her smell and her hands and her pressed kisses. The toenail polish she left so messily on my feet has worn off, as have the fingerprints I tried to save for so long. But I have so many more things that are priceless and endless.

I miss you still baby girl. So very much. But I'm still breathing and hoping and fighting. And every night when I close my eyes, I enter your room and tuck you in. I fill you up with encouraging words and lullabye's. I will always be right here. & I will always be your mommy.

When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away

Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by

And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
...there you are to show me.

Happy Valentine's Day

Cristy,

Happy Valentine's Day.

I want you and the world to know how lucky I feel every moment that you choose me. & I want to remind you of all the reasons I choose you back.

You are the most loving, caring, sincere person I have ever known. You teach me lessons every day on how to be better and patient and couragous. I feel incredibly blessed to have you not only by my side but on my side.

I think of us - way back - and remember the time you waited for me. For a year, you stood behind me without saying a word. You let me grow and heal and heal some more. You stood quiet while my world ran crazy. You silently held me and most days I didn't even know it. Looking back, I would've fallen without your arms to hold me. I'm certain of that.

I am so incredibly grateful that you believed in us even before I did. I am so grateful that you waited for me to see what you saw. I thank God that we were guided together and I have every confidence that we will be blessed with this kind of love all the days of our lives.

You are my Easy Silence, baby.
I love you my whole life.

Keri

When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind

Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving
Burning fumes of gasoline
And everyone is running
And I come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay

Monkeys on the barricades
Are warning us to back away
They form commissions trying to find
The next one they can crucify
And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay

Children lose their youth too soon
Watching war made us immune
And I've got all the world to lose
But I just want to hold on to the
Easy silence that you make for me

Damn the Snow Gods!

...but they didn't keep us ALL home!

I couldn't wait another second to talk about tonight's rally. I know there are so many Utah bloggers and I'm not sure why that is or how you all happen to know each other but I must take a second to tell you all how proud I am to have found you & your families. Standing before you tonight was almost more than my heart could take. The weather was seriously awful. But you came from Park City, Tooele and the point of the mountain. & because of you, I am re-energized. Our bill sponsor is re-energized. Our family community is ready to fight until we've won!

I couldn't wait to post some pictures of our rally tonight. Plus, our sweet Yeager's speech at the rally. I'm telling you, he stole the show. :)

I'm sorry about how dark it is but you can hear his sweet voice.

btw, if any of my readers happen to see their faces or those of their loved ones and want them removed - just say the word. These are without permission from a single one of you.

Cute Yeager who can't stop talking about fighting for his rights!

Look at this sweet boy!

Update from past post...

Okay so, that same awful man that scowled at my beautiful Cristy had a bit of a blunder on the Senate floor today...

They were discussing equalizing school capitol when another Senator said something like, "this bill is an ugly baby"... and our awful Senator stood up and said, "yeah, this baby is BLACK. It's a dark, ugly thing."

Now I imagine you're sitting there stunned like I was when I first got the email. I didn't quote it until I saw it in the paper - just to make sure it actually happened in MY Capitol - the PEOPLE'S HOUSE! Can you stand it? Unbelievable!

He was hauled off to a private office and made to come back in to apologize. It seems his excuse was that 'his mouth got ahead of his brain'.

No kidding.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words - Update

Anybody who has ever doubted whether a picture is worth a thousand words MUST consider the picture below.

This is my partner, testifying on what having a Domestic Partnership Registry would mean to her. She is talented and kind. She's happy and healthy. She's caring and giving. & he looks at her like she's garbage. When I first saw this picture this morning, it brought out the mama bear in me and I was ready to kick some ass for my family. I had big tears in my eyes just seeing how someone would dare look at her. But then I stepped back and realized he was looking at all of us that way - all of us who think differently than him. You, me, Cristy and every ally who believes that we should all stand equal.

If you don't live in my State, you have no idea who this man is. If you live here and you don't know who he is, you need to. And you need to know all of his friends too. In fact, one of his friends that came yesterday and spoke right before Cristy was Cheryl's awful attorney. She once told me he was the most "godly man" she knew. It makes me sick to even repeat that. He is such a terrible example of a Christian man - I can't even go there.

Anyway, yesterday was the first day I've seen him since my last hearing a year ago. Seeing him was hard enough but hearing his voice was just disturbing. They actually brought up my ruling as reason to deny the Domestic Partnership Ordinance. What is that? At least they made that argument look as stupid as it is...

Yegs came with us and I made sure we were conversing every time they said things like "lgbt parents don't care for their children as well as hetero's..." and "children are better off with a mom & a dad.." He knows better but those are still words I don't want him hearing. He was so proud of his mom when she was speaking. I loved watching his face. Sometimes he looks just like her.

Here's a link to one of the articles.

http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_8237567?source=rv

This is a comment that was left under the article. I though it was perfect enough to copy here...

***

Please, look closely at the photo of Sen. Butt*rs looking at Cristy Gl**ve while she is speaking. That face of hate says it all.

I imagine Hitler looking at the people he sent to the gas chamber with that expression. Stalin probably wore that expression often. Saddam probably looked about like that as he gassed thousands of his own citizens.

Hate, Mr. Buttars, will eat you alive. It will make you look like that. Your eyes are the windows to your soul and your face reflects your true self. Do you suppose Jesus EVER looked like that? Do you think Gordon B. Hinckley ever wore that expression?

If your motivation was pure, if you really wanted what is best for all residents of Utah... You wouldn't need to look like that Mr. Buttars.

Your motivation is hate... and I'm shocked that a bill such as the one you are sponsoring wasn't laughed off the hill like all hate-motivated actions should be.

Amen.

Weekend Wrap Up

We watched a movie yesterday. The Brave One. Have you seen it? I had actually seen it once before when I somehow convinced some friends to take me out while Cristy was on a work trip. I thought it would motivating. I thought I would grow muscles and not be afraid to go home alone. Instead I had nightmares. It's really awful. Twice.

The worst part is that Jodie Fost*r has a sex scene with a boy. I'm not against sex scenes with boys but you can't really be more gay than Jodie. I mean, it was gross. The boy was Saeed from Lost and that made it weird too because he's such a tough guy in that show. And she's such a tough guy, in general. It just wasn't right.

And almost worse was the violence. I thought Yeager was going to pee his pants in the first 10 minutes. Oh wait, that was ME. Because I would never Ever allow Yeager to watch a rated R movie - let alone one that has beatings and shootings and just way too many reasons to ever live in a big city. It was just me & Cristy and my face was burried for about 1/2 the show. There won't be a third time.

Then, last night we had a big, fat cousin sleepover. We rented The Last Mimzy. You must see this movie if you have a child at home that will give you the excuse to rent it. The little girl is reason enough to see it at least twice. She crinkles her nose when she's mad and pierces her lips with such a pout. Ah, I love pouty lips on little girls. & there's a bunny with the cutest belly button you've ever seen. Need I say more? I don't know what it was about really but it was heaven compared to the Jodie sex scene and the kids were cute.

And then tonight we met Cristy's family for dinner. Part of them brought their 8 month old little boy and I swear he bragged the whole time about how cute he was and how soft he was and how he made their lives complete. The whole dinner was all about him, him, him. The ego on that kid weighed about 17 1/2 pounds. And I'm obviously just being nasty because he is actually really cute and soft and wonderful - and I want one just like him. He was born just as my IVF failed and I sat & thought that if it would have worked, I would almost be ready to give birth. Weird. Time even flies when you're holding your breath.

We're crashing early tonight. My amazing better half is speaking at a committee hearing tomorrow morning at 8am. Yegs is coming too and if any one of those awful people even wince at him, I'll kick 'em in the shin. Because that's about how tired I am. & how terrible they are. Give us some love about saving our Domestic P Registry. We'll need it.

Happy early Monday everyone.

Fair Adoption Laws Now!

I realize you can't see every single child in this picture. But this is a copy of a banner we've made to fight the awful laws in this state. This banner is 6'x12' and has 400 children on it. - 400 children from right here - where I live. Amazing.

We found out recently that over 1226 children were unprotected legally by one of their parents as of 2005. Most of these children weren't even born yet. My guess is that there are probably close to 1500 now. Maybe more. Either way, the banner is insanely beautiful and I can't wait to see it at our rally next Wednesday.

***

If your children are somewhere in there, thank you thank you - from the bottom of my heart. I will work til I die, for every one of them, to change this law.

A Whirl Wind!

These past few days have been crazy for us! Aside from the Primary, there have been meetings and work events and now even More snow! I think we're like 200% of normal in the water range and while I'm grateful for enough water, ENOUGH all READY! Sheesh!

Something interesting...yesterday I was back in the Utah Supreme Courtroom. I even sat by my lawyer, just like old times. But this time I was there supporting one of our best girls. I worried that I would be messy - like my eyes would tear up when the elevator doors opened and I'd be sick to my stomach when I saw the Justices. Instead, I feel strong and partially healed, knowing I sat before them and still appreciate what they do!

I watched all of them during the arguments and it felt good to know that even though they got it so wrong by Gracie, they would get it right this time. They were smart and even funny at times. And our best girl was brave and resilient and the day felt successful - like she accomplished something bigger than most ever will.

Did you know that less than 1% of all people actually sit in a courtroom because of their own case? How weird is it that the two of us - two people who sit in the same kitchen over dinner once a week, ended up with a Supreme Court case? I think it's rather odd.

Anyway...So how 'bout that Primary? M'Cain & Clinton! Who knew? Well, I suppose she isn't quite there yet but what a great race! & finally, Romn*y will fade away. He actually ran away with 85% of our Republican vote. Insane. We're obviously off track from the rest of the country - off on so many tracks...

And just so all you know, last night our City Council passed a Domestic Partn*r Registry by a 7 - ZERO vote! How great is that? Incase that doesn't sound like big news, let me remind you that Romn*y won with 85% here. :) It really is very exciting and my heart was full and fat with love listening to all those "yes" answers. Beautiful. Maybe I'll ask Cristy if she'll be my Domestic Partner. I'm so romantic.

I'm ready for March. Or April. ...when we can ride our scooters to get an iced-tea at 8 o'clock at night. And we can plant some flowers and fill the bird feeders and I can wear skirts with no tights. I want the windows open when I clean my house. And I want my dog to smell like perfume after her bath, instead of just wet dog.

Plus, I want to be pregnant.

Seven years ago today Gracie was conceived. It's strange to think about but I set this day aside to remind myself of such a miracle. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I were pregnant now? & I could have a baby somewhere around her birthday? (but she was super early and I don't hope for that) Either way, I'm thinking of her today and knowing that her other mom is celebrating her right this very minute.

Super Duper Tuesday!

I voted early. My little voice has given it's weight to my worthy candidate.

Last Friday I tip toed into the county complex and I swear that I wasn't certain of my vote until the exact moment I pushed the button. I had plus' and minus' about both of my choices but the one thing I'm certain of, and grateful for beyond words, is that I had such a hard choice before me.

Incase any of you are in that same predicament, I thought I'd share this song with you. Before you click, I should tell you that it's in favor of Obama. That's not why I'm sending it out though. I just love it and you will too. & I'm not telling you to vote for him or that you shouldn't. But I absolutely love watching this video and being reminded that we're just inches away from real change. Whether you're voting for Hillary or Obama, you're casting a vote that gives my soul a little breathing room. Doesn't that feel wonderful?

Here I am, assuming that none of my readers could possibly be voting for the "other" party. If you are, I hope it's because you have a secret plan than makes Romney somehow lose by miles. Or if you are, I hope it's because you just come here to spy and you're not really a good American. :) I love saying that... Or if you are, I hope that song changes your mind and you don't waste a vote on someone who doesn't love you as much as I do. snicker, snicker. :)

So those of you who get to cast your vote tomorrow, be comforted that you really can't do anything too tragic. In fact, the only thing tragic you could do is stay home.

Post Insem

We decided that since we can't do another round of IVF for a couple of months, we would go back to doing regular insems to pass the time. That doesn't make me sound very hopeful but it does seem strange to go from IVF to something so simple. It's like going from an ipod to a tape recorder. But sometimes those tape recorders work really well! :)

So I surged Thursday morning. It's been a while since I've had to pee on a stick. I saw the dark line but it didn't seem dark enough. When I got home that night, I knew I should've tested. I sat around, watching Lost and eating pistachios - all the while my little egg was making it's way down the hill. I tested again Friday morning and it was gone. Is that normal? I mean, it wasn't totally gone but it was pretty 'gone'.

I spent the whole next day upset. I cried all the way up to the Capitol. I'm just so disappointed that I didn't pay good enough attention. It's a whole month. - an entire month that we could be closer to getting it right. But we did it anyway. Friday night, after work. I'm certain I was a day late but I'm still happy we went through with it.

And now we wait.

I am committed to this tape recorder for at least another month. I want to get it right, even if it's just one, good month. After that, we plan to do another IVF and just hope for no OHSS. Ugh.

But this morning, right before I woke up, I had a dream about college. My friend J and I were sitting through a lecture and I was saying to her that 'if I failed, I would switch classes'. And 'if that didn't work, I would change schools'. She told me that if I had enough faith, I wouldn't be making a back-up plan. And when I started waking up, I could still hear her saying that.

If I had faith, I would stop making back-up plans.

Shake it Off

This was my theme for the day - to shake off the muck that smothered me yesterday and fill up with the hope that bathed over me today.

If you haven't yet read chicory, you should. From a person who isn't already a bit jaded by the "justice" of this State, it's worded perfectly.

She, along with her beautiful family, joined me and many other parents at the Capitol today. We arrived with about six other families and by the time we left, we had secured enough nods to get our bill moved to a committee. Big news! Exceptionally big! & I felt so incredibly proud to be surrounded by these mothers who were there simply to ask that their children be treated the same as their legislators children.

At one point, I was standing aside and watching a mother, holding her son, with tears runnning down her face. And I thought, "how can he look at her and say no?" And he didn't. It was real lobbying at work. It was a citizen asking a Public Servant to look a little closer and listen a little longer. It worked.

I'm home now. My breathing is less heavy. My head is less full. I'm getting ready for an insem that I thought would not take place due to my level of stress. But it's happening. And maybe, just maybe I'll create a child while my heart is full of hope and pride and love for all those mother's that came today and created another step forward.

Congratulations, ladies. Your children will be proud.