Friday, March 9, 2007

I have the flu

I can't sleep. I haven't slept well in weeks. Finally, my body succumbed and is now more sick than it's ever been. I have the flu. Not just aches and fever but like the whole body flu. I hurt everywhere. C tried to rub my back this morning and my skin hurt too much. I'm miserable.

I could easily blame my best friend who asked that I bring her coffee during her flu last week. I'm certain I wouldn't have hugged her so tightly had she looked anywhere near as awful as I do. I could also blame the bar because I haven't been in over two years and our friends talked us into it last weekend - thinking it might get me out of my head for a while. It could surely be the pounds of smoke I inhaled during the two hours we were there. Or the many 21 year old girls who were stacked on top of eachother. (how is it that people go there?)

But, truth be told, it's all my fault. Ever since I was small my mom would tell me, "if you don't get enough sleep, you'll get sick every time!" She's right. Every time. But what do you do if you can't sleep? I lay awake and just think. Even my thoughts wake up my partner - they are that heavy. And if by chance I fall asleep, I usually wake up long before the sun comes up and I just lie there. I try to think about the new house. I'll walk through every room and look at every detail. I'll think of all the fixing it needs and how I want to do so much. But then I'll realize that she won't be here. & not only will she not be here, I won't be there either. & it kills me.

How do I reconcile this? The very thought of it is making me physically ill. I wonder constantly what she's doing. And then I think there'll be times when I'll wonder what she looks like. How could I possibly not know what my daughter looks like? Or where she lives? I go in circles and just pray to go backwards. But I can't. I have to figure out a way to walk toward her - knowing it will be years before I reach her.

I got an email from a lovely woman who told me my story could only be related to someone whose child had been kidnapped by their ex. They're still out there - you just can't find them. I suppose that's the closest thing to this. My ex did kidnap her. I just happen know where she is and can't do anything about it. The good side is that I know she's well taken care of and loved. I can picture her in all the places we've been - her church, the park, the bookstore. I've been there hundreds of times and hopefully those memories will be just as strong for her as they are for me.

And, just in case, I guess I should start writing them down.