No More Easy Silence

A little something about me...I think I might be a control freak. The fact that I used the word "might" makes it even more evident. I've spent the last 3 1/2 years so out of control that now I seem to be grasping on to every decision - craving to make it my very own.

Another little something about me is that I like to be taken care of. I like knowing all the little things are too far away to bother me - that someone else will make sure I'm safe and held away from any real decisions. You're now asking yourself, "how can these two personality traits co-exist? Poor C!" I know! And I agree. Hence, the latest struggle in my life.

My partner has been wonderful about keeping the world at bay for me. Because I have had to become a World Champion Fighter in the biggest part of my life, she holds everything else at a distance so it won't tire me or scare me or worry me. But all of a sudden, I want to know. I want to know who's painting the house for God's sake! When are they coming? When are they leaving? How much money do we have? How much have we spent? Where is the deodorant and why was it moved? Has this person called? Why not?

So much for the easy silence and peaceful quiet. It's not easy anymore. I want voices and noises and choices! I want to be included in anything that will keep me busy! I want projects and agendas. I want to be able to decide for myself - knowing I can't actually have what I want most in this whole world.

Over the weekend I found myself being bossy and demanding. I look in the mirror and I see "tantrum" written across my face. It's not pretty. & even if my partner didn't notice, it's only because I hold everything so tightly. I bleed from the outside in. But she knows. She'll walk around the corner and wait to hold me. She'll listen as I rant and just allow me to expel. She knows me. And knowing her reminds me that she'll give whatever I can take and be patient through my fears. She'll allow me to make decisions and she'll take them from me when I scream that they're too heavy.

So, while I may be a control freak, I have arms to catch me - in or out of control.