Wednesday, September 12, 2007

One Scarred Hand to Another

Love songs have been my Nemesis the last few years. Ask Cristy. Every song, no matter what kind of love it's about, reminds me of Gray. It can be Pink or Avril. Kelly or Cold Play. She's learned when to change the station in the middle of brunch so stealthily that our friends don't even notice. It's insane and because of it, I only listen to Christian music. Maybe that's misleading. I've always listened to Christian music but now I almost ONLY listen to Christian music. This makes me very unhip but ask my leg warmers when that's ever bothered me before.

The other night Cristy and I went shopping. Gray's birthday is three weeks from tomorrow. She'll be six. Six. And I'm going to miss it. And really, who cares if I miss her birthday when I'm missing her life? But back to shopping. I found her a dark purple baby doll coat with matching leggings and I stood there with them in my hands and thought that as long as I was touching them, she'd feel me. I'll never see her in them but I know what she'll be wearing, right? I pray so hard that I'm certain I'm running out of wishes.


I get asked all the time about my faith. It's probably normal for people to question it because loss makes you question things that big. & other moms like me have asked how I stay so faithful. I just had this conversation the other day and I almost couldn't answer. Not because I've lost faith but because there are definitely days when I want better answers. I have days when I feel lost or left behind by the one thing in all the world that brings me peace. I question, just like you, why I'm so certain on most days and so displaced on others. But like I told this friend, holding on to God (or whatever you consider bigger than you) gives me strength. & whatever is smothering me, let's go when I have that power.


So again, back to shopping. I stood there questioning, wanting answers. I stood there and felt betrayed and forgotten. And then I'm reminded when I turn the radio on. See? I had a point. I'm reminded that I'm not alone and that I'm still as strong or as weak as I want to be and that free will allows us all to make the wrong choices and even sometimes allows others to make the wrong choices for us. I turned on this song half way through but I'm certain I was meant to listen. Do you know Nichole? Am I her only fan? ...besides Leah?

...Oh Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel's Den
And I have asked you once or twice if you would part the sea again
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
I just want to know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry

Tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer,
Are you there?
I know you could leave writing on a wall that's just for me
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping - deep into a sweet dream
But I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end
Just want to know that you still know how many hairs are on my head

Sometimes we need to be reminded.
Today I am strong in my faith, knowing the answers I need and the ones I can wait for. And comfortable knowing there will be more bad days - plenty of them. And knowing that I love her Big Enough to walk all the steps it takes to get to her.