Friday, September 14, 2007

When it rains...

It's been a hard week. I like to blame it on astrology and say that my planet is out of line from my moon - or something. If I read enough horoscopes, I'm sure to find one or two that affirm it.

You are all so wonderful about listening to me and telling me I'm okay. You're like little friends in my pocket - I can just pull up this blog and if I'm feeling blurry, you remind me that I'm doing fine. And I guess I know I am.

I spent years with a woman who told me I had never done anything brave in my life. I'm not sure if it was a challenge or just a way to make me smaller but I did my best to prove to her otherwise. It didn't work. The word "brave" is not something to which I relate. To hear you say it gives me strength but I really feel like I stand on so many shoulders to be as strong as I am.

I've spent too much time inside my head and finally crashed to earth yesterday during lunch. Hard and heavy. There's a lot to think about and far too much to feel. And with everything so busy lately, the noise is beginning to overwhelm me. I showed up at work ready to implode but instead my boss thought it a better idea to ex'plode. He was right. I felt better letting it out. J called me when I walked through the door to remind me that I had an appointment with an Energy Doctor at 3:30. All I could think of what that I was so emotional that she would surely peg me as "unworkable". I stressed myself out about it after I assured J that I wouldn't. (but you knew I would, right?) I have such an ignorance/aversion to hokey things and I was worried that my spirituality would be taken out of the equation. I always close off to that. But my dear friend reminded me that God speaks through everyone and this just might be the way I finally hear what I need to - not for closure but just to manage what is.

I took some time to talk and cry and felt better before I went.

I walked in and I was so nervous. I have not had any luck with any kind of therapy since this journey with(out) Gracie. It seems people are far too interested in the parts I don't want to talk about - like the Court part of it. I expected the worst from her. I had stubbornly decided I wouldn't be talking. J & E had already told me this would be fine. "energy work doesn't need talking" - then that's what I'll do! Perfect!

But she was soft and kind and I'm certain she's lived dozens of interesting lives. & not because she hasn't fulfilled them but because she wants to keep learning and teaching. Oddly enough, the clock rang 1 hour and 15 minutes later and I was still spilling my life onto the floor like hot chocolate sauce that would harden if I didn't keep spilling. It was so strange that I didn't even know what I had said. - or what she had asked. She knew things about me before I said anything other than names of people I hold closely. She told me how I felt about those people just by the energy I gave off when speaking their names. She knew when I loved someone, when I missed someone and when I was scared by someone. She knew things - not in a "i can read your mind" way but in a "i can see your soul" way. She was standing behind me, holding my head, for the longest time. And she started crying. I felt terrible about it and wanted to comfort her but before I could say anything she said, "just let me go". I swear I wanted to die. But then she moved her thumb and my veins were filled with cold water. I felt like I was floating and I think she stopped crying.

When I got off the table, I felt taller. I know, it even sounds funny when I write it. But seriously, I kept looking at the ground because it seemed so much farther away. And when I walked out her door I walked into a lobby I hadn't seen going in. There was a hard floor and stairs I didn't remember. She's magic. She explained myself to me and while I don't like that whole "i know you and you don't" thing, it felt very genuine - almost scary. She moved my insides. Who does that? Hokey, Magic Lady! I'm telling you!

She gave me homework so we'll see how it goes. If nothing else, at least I'll end up a bit taller. A girl can always use a few more inches upward.